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Lost in my man's heartlessness
Im totally lost now. This was my first long-term relationship. I went out with this guy who was supposed to be the love of my life for 4 years and suddenly out of the blue, he called it quits. We decided to move in together only after 7 months into our relationship. Both of us love travelling and moving around. We had broken up a lot of times before THE FINAL which fell exactly on the last day of March 2007,before this, we were always able to find a way to patch things up after a few days. Im still a virgin although he has seen me naked and we've 'touched' / 'felt' each other and stuff but everything stopped since last year.
We worked at the same place back in my hometown,that's how we met. He was never a good communicator in our relationship, otherwise, he is a very sociable person in general. Now we are both away from our homeland. We are now still living under the same roof regardless our status. Mid of March, I found his flirty emails to one of his colleagues (yes, I know his password and suspected an affair after a long absence of intimacy). My heart stopped. I thought I was never going to be able to stand on my feet again. My whole body turned into a block of ice. I confronted him and he was very evasive,snappy, ignorant and cold. He asked me to shut it and that it was just a harmless flirt. Nothing happened. Still, he asked for a breakup. I cried,begged,pleaded and reminded him about our future plans. He finally took me back because he admitted to being scared to live without me but asked for 'probation'. A week later, he and his 'crush' went on a getaway with 3 other of HER friends (Total: 3 ladies and 2 gentlemen). Of course, I was against it but he convinced me nothing would happen and that it was just a week holiday by the mountain. So I let him go, I mean I didn't want cause a fuss again after last week's breakup. During his away, I texted him with lots of convincing replies from him then one day he didn't text me back so I called him and cried over the phone (I don't know why I did that,insecurity, I guess). Another week's gone after he came back from his getaway. He broke the news. This time was FINAL breakup. He said he needed some space and didn't want to hurt me again. I did the same thing of begging,crying,pleading. I even declared that Im ready for sex (I really am) because I want to show him how much I love him and don't want to lose him but it didn't work. I mean, I really love this guy and didn't see it coming. I really thought he meant every word he said when he said he wanted to give it another go. I shouldve known better when he didn't bother to give me a present on my Birthday last year and he skipped our ritual Valentine's dinner this year. He said he wasn't ready for our future plans to settle down (meant to be October). He said he had lost his feelings for me and had started seeing me as his sister/best friend instead of his woman, because we of the long absence of intimacy and the fact that we haven't really had sex. He apologized for faking his affection the past one year because he was just confused trying to make sure if he really had lost his feelings for me. Now he only wants to be my bestest friend as Im very important in his life (thats what he said). He keeps saying that he still loves me AS A PERSON but NOT as his woman anymore. He said it had nothing to do with her or any other third party,it was just him not ready for the future with me. He asked me to move out straight away because he's been paying the rent but I refused to because I said it was unfair, this flat is practically mine as Ive been the one who keeps it clean and tidy the whole time. I do all the housework. He never would lift his fingers. He used to praise me saying how proud he was of me for multi-tasking as an executive, homemaker and everything. So I asked him to move out instead and told him that I was willing to take over the rent. He said NO unless I pay him a certain sum as the compensation to the previous rent. My work contract finishes in June while his in August. I couldve just moved out but I don't know much about this place. I have acquaintances but not close friends or anyone like that. Its torturing living like this till June. Its easier for him to move out as he could at least have a short-term rent till August and be easily granted as per the local policy. How could he do this to me. We were that close to moving on and settling down together. The reason why we are out here overseas is to make as much money as possible to settle down in October. So its true as a couple, we had our aggressive fights, silly arguments, inexplicable resentments and all the rough times BUT we also had our GOOD times together. Out of the blue, he told me he couldn't live in the 'pretend world' anymore and needed time on his own. It seems so easy for him to get over me, us. Nowadays, he still walks around naked after shower. Still sleeps in his underwear... we still share the same bed! As it is a one-bedroom flat. Yesterday I reminded him to move out ASAP and before I left for work, he quipped 'I love you'... I was so pissed that I gave him the middle finger and walked out the flat. Whenever he comes home drunk and he would me hold me in bed. Last night, he even treated me to Mexican delivery. He is generally very cold and arrogant now but every time I ask him to move out, he would start acting like a cute puppy and ask me not to bring it up again or he would feel sad. He used to go out, smoke and drink often then he stopped for a while because it upset me BUT he's starting to go back to his old habits now. Could this be just him being cold feet for our future plans?? >> or, could he just be going through mid life crisis?? (hes 30 and Im 25). Just my luck,isn't it, falling for a selfish man. I may be able to get over him but Its been real hard getting over the fact that its so easy for him to move on without me. Am I that forgettable? What about our future plans? That's it,gone just like that?! How do I make him see that he's hurting me so bad without being snapped at again and again. How do I get my messages across that he can hold on to me, we can get through our confusion and anxiety for the future together. Im so in love and I took it for granted by not showing it to him on time,making love to him just seems so far away now. Sorry it's a long one. Thank you for your help and advice. I truly need it and appreciate it. xx |
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 Originally Posted by Springfalls
I don't know the specifics, but I'm betting there is more to it than what is written. It's pretty basic really. He obviously has moved on, and you haven't come to terms with that. No amount of pleading is going to salvage the relationship. Perhaps the two of you rushed it. You moved in after 7 months? I've been dating the same girl for 7 years, and I haven't moved in with her yet. You work together, you live together, and you sleep together... Do the math. That's a lot of freakin time in the presence of one person. Maybe he just needs space. I say let him have it. Try being a friend, but maintain that "friend" space. If you two remain living together, maybe you should take turns sleeping on the couch. There really isn't a need for the hostility you have shown him. You should patch the friendship before doing anything else. I strongly advise you to not use sex as leverage. It will only cause more problems on your end of the relationship. |
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Im totally lost now. This was my first long-term relationship. I went out with this guy who was supposed to be the love of my life for 4 years and suddenly out of the blue, he called it quits. We decided to move in together only after 7 months into our relationship. Both of us love travelling and moving around. We had broken up a lot of times before THE FINAL which fell exactly on the last day of March 2007,before this, we were always able to find a way to patch things up after a few days. Im still a virgin although he has seen me naked and we've 'touched' / 'felt' each other and stuff but everything stopped since last year.
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Originally Posted by Universal Truth
Second year,he wanted a breakup because I 'hassled' (term he used!) him into marriage but he changed his mind the next day and said lets wait for a little more while for 'the jump'! Highlight of year two was that he was always going out,coming home late and drunk (sometimes at wee hours). He pushed me to the wall once when he was really drunk. I was only trying to quiten him down because he was singing out loud down the hall of our flat at 3 o'clock in the morning while our next doors were then elderly. Third year, I asked for a breakup again and he agreed saying that he needed some space anyway. Next thing I know I was invited to fly to his hometown meeting his parents and friends! (? ) and we even talked about names for our babies and future pets! - Again, I reminded him that I WAS/AM ready for the sex. He gave me the cold shoulder. Forth year, a big mess! No intimacy at all. Third party came along. The supposedly 'BIG PLAN' was around the corner. Mind you, the big plan meaning settle down in one spot (we agreed on his hometown) NOT 'marriage'... why one spot, because for the past 4 years, we have been moving from one country to another to work and earn money for out future. 4 countries in a 4-year-relationship! We are no longer working in the same place. We only worked at the same place during the first seven months of our relationship (in my hometown then). As soon as we decided to move in together,we had already moved to a new country. Maybe you are right. I am to blame. I shouldve fulfilled my duty ages ago as a woman. Btw, I AM now letting it go. Every time I show my 'coolness', he will come and tease me (more like 'a friendly flirt'). When I think I can respond to it, he will start pulling away and even tries to remind with lines 'Please don't,we're only friends now' and all sorts. Trust me, if this was my hometown and I hadn't had a contract to feel responsible for, I wouldve packed up and leave long long time ago. Im not ready now because just when I thought we were working it all out together... October seems so near... his promises... WHAM! He dropped it! Xx |
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Originally Posted by talaniman
Maybe its all my fault for being inexperienced in a relationship. Like I mentioned in reply to UNIVERSAL TRUTH above, I just wasn't ready for sex then because of his habit of taking pills (plus, smoking pots btw) and drinking bottles after bottles. His work was then affected big time because his habits! I didn't want to show my love and make him happy by having sex with him while he was either drunk,high or pissed (coz of my telling off). In our third year together,I must say he was a changed man, not completely but I was so proud of him. He told me that he would stop all his habits so that I wouldn't be upset because he loved me... so we could finally have a normal relationship. After his changes, I was starting to drop hints that Im ready to have sex with him because I truly love him but he couldn't care less. (? ) I talked about marriage over and over again till I got tired and stopped naturally because I didn't want to keep hassling him. I thought as long as Im with him and he's willing to make a promise of commitment then its fine. He doesn't believe in marriage because he thinks its useless and its only 'a piece of paper'. The thing now is that he's blowing hot and cold. Hes molding back to his old self. Going out a lot and coming home drunk and late again. Not that I care as I don't have the rights to tell him off anymore. Yes, we are officially,practically,technically,I don't know, flatmates now. He still leaves his clothes,underwear,dishes,all other mess lying around the flat - expecting me to do the same,washing,cleaning and tidying up, as when we were still couple! All Im focusing now is my contract and my job performance. Get it over and done with! What pissing me off is that he even said... let me quote : "If one day I realize that this is all a big mistake throwing away our love like this,like in another word, if I regret this one day then you know that I will write to you and even fly to wherever you will be then to talk this thru,right?! - I mean, I just wana be your special friend forever and nothing more than that. Im just saying 'IF' so dont keep your hope high." This has all been my fault,hasn't it. Shouldve never given him the second chance in the first place but I do love him. Shouldve never indulged myself in his empty promises but I just can't help it. Never ever rely on a man who takes pills,pots and beers as 'pleasure', I guess. Hes just getting back at me by punishing me this way. Sure he has moved on,probably with her, or somebody else but the truth is,he's just living a lie. I think he's just missing being single screwing around,understandable. As for me, I learned a lot from this relationship, I will be a better woman and cherish every bit of my next relationship with a better man. Note: He hasn't been involved in pills and pots for the past three years but disappointingly, Looks like he's going back to his late nights' drinks after work and on weekends Again. Xx |
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[QUOTE=I don't know the specifics, but I'm betting there is more to it than what is written. It's pretty basic really. He obviously has moved on, and you haven't come to terms with that. No amount of pleading is going to salvage the relationship. Perhaps the two of you rushed it. You moved in after 7 months? I've been dating the same girl for 7 years, and I haven't moved in with her yet.
[/QUOTE] He emphasized that he's doing this for both of us so that we won't get hurt more and that he is also hurting but he can't go through the future and start afresh if Im there with him because I know TOO MUCH of his past! - one moment he said he'd lost his feelings and was over it then another moment, he said he's struggling his own pain. (?? ) Im starting to wonder if long-term relationships are always this complicated. Xx |
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Hey Spring :).. none of us have the right answer to relationships... it doesn't matter how man you go threw.. or how much you read.. we will never know how to deal with a relationship.. because each one is different.. and unless you can read other peoples minds.. we are always going to have problems trying to understand what the other person is feeling. Of course you can handel things better once you go threw them more than once that's the only thing that really changes.
And yes all relationships have there complications.. as well as there ups and downs.. just a part of life.. trust me it does not get easier with age :D First its about not having enough sex.. then its about money.. then its about the kids.. then its about the old dog that's left in the back yard for six months because he smells like a wet towel... Pick any relationship and it has its issues.. don't blame yourself.. I understand you not wanting to have sex.. it's a big thing.. and I know people that have been together for 5 years and not had any.. because they want to get married first.. he is probable really frustrated... but if you give him other things like touching.. etc... etc... your not totally letting him down. I think you can have a relationship without sex.. Sex is so awesome by the way :D.. But that's another story. People can be together for months and not have sex.. and they still call themselves boyfriend and girlfriend.. if you sleep together touch each other.. kiss do everything but sex.. then your in a relationship. Because I don't do that with all of my friends.. wish I could though :P. My advice is to let him go.. work on yourself you seem to be a young person.. you have all the time in the world.. think of this relationship as a learning stage.. go out met other people.. and when then time is right give yourself to the right person.. but as Talaniman says.. and I agree with him he is probable upset that he hasn't had sex yet.. it is an Odd relationship.. so next time you get a guy.. try not to wait so long ;) we lose out on so much due to fear.. Plus from the sounds of this relationship.. it didn't start on a good healthy note anyway.. I think its over run its course let it go.. Take care |
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[QUOTE=my advice is to let him go.. work on your self you seem to be a young person.. you have all the time in the world.. think of this relationship as a learning stage.. go out met other people.. and when then time is right give your self to the right person.. but as Talaniman says.. and i agree with him he is probable upset that he hasnt had sex yet.. it is an Odd relationship.. so next time you get a guy.. try not to wait so long ;) we lose out on so much due to fear.. [/QUOTE]
Thank you,TRUE FAITH. Very sweet of you :) - I realized it was real odd,indeed, and next time I fall, I won't wait that long anymore. Im going to love to the fullest and make love all the way through thick and thin :p When we first met, there was some kind of attraction and sparks in the air. We flirted a lot. We went out in a group several times. Yep,you were right. It didn't start well, I guess. We were hanging out at some club one night with some of our colleagues and next thing I knew, we were sharing drinks and all over each other! As months went by, the feelings for him started to grow stronger and stronger in me. But... fate begged to differ in the end. Being away from home yet able to talk to people like all of you and share my sorrow like this is one incredible remedy to get over bad times. Thank you really, Im feeling much better now. Xx |
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Springfalls, Actually after reading in more details I think you are in a good position to let him go and move on with your life. You are smart and independent and some guy who deserves a good female will be getting a helluva wife. The only thing I caution you on is to go slow and enjoy the dating and getting to know someone a lot better before moving in together. 7 months is still strangers territory. Way too soon in my book. But I think you will be okay as your quite busy it seems, and I have no doubt you learned from this experience. Take your time and find your happiness.
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I second the motion to leave, but not on the grounds of you being independent and ready to move on. I think you need to straighten yourself out. You keep attacking the relationship because it wasn't picture perfect like you had planned.
I know people are confusing because they say one thing and do another. You always want to trust each other, but you simply can't. No one ever tells the whole truth. I'm not syaing you shouldn't trust anyone, but if you do, you have to remember you are taking a risk and making yourself vulnerable to things like this. You keep trying to be a victim here. You don't have to have someone to blame. Stop trying to vindicate yourself and justify your actions. It's not anyone's fault. You gave it your best, he gave it his, it didn't work. Stop trying to point your finger at something. Most relationships fail gradually, and from several factors. It's never just one thing. In your original post you said the relationship was off and on for a while... That's a pretty good indication things were not going well. I don't know why you insist he surprised you with it. My best advice to you, which I wish everyone did when they left a relationship, is don't carry over those negative feelings into the next one. You can't take past experience into another one because, as stated before, they are all different. Give the next guy the same chances you gave this one, maybe even more. |
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