[flowergurl]

Hi, I'm 29 and I feel like I'm a mess. My major issue is confrontation. Im always getting dumped on by people, feeling like a doormat, and I feel like I don't know how to nip things in the bud and put people in their place, whether formal situations or informal. I don't know how to establish myself properly with people to get respect; when I am verbally disrespected by people I'm constantly in fear that I won't win the argument, or succeed in "telling that person off" so I feel too intimidated/scared to even say anything, therefore the "opponent" wins, because I didn't put them in their place. Its not that I fear the person, but I fear the consequence of verbally asserting myself... what they're response would be... can I top that response...
Sometimes during an argument with someone my mind goes blank and I'm speechless, and when I try argue back with someone I get confused, my thoughts are not in perspective, I lose track of what I'm saying,, I sound nervous, my voice trembles... once that happens then I totally look like an idiot.. so that's why I don't bother half the time.

I'm afraid to speak up for myself even when I know that other person is wrong for talking crap behind my back or does something wrong to me... I don't know how get the fear out of my heart, and I don't know how to sharpen my wit and confrontational skills to command the respect I deserve from anyone who crosses me.

This has always been a problem but its getting worse as I get older... I feel like crap, my self-esteem doesn't exist, I'm starting to hate myself. Its getting to the point where people don't respect me, don't take me seriously once they get to know me, even my boyfriend verbally abuses me whenever he feels like it, and no matter what I say it doesn't change.

[TeamSandG]

I have been in your shoes and I am hear to tell you that you can change that and it isn't as difficult or as scary as you think. The first thing you need to do is be OK with who you are and that sometimes people are not going to like you no matter what you do. Once you do that it will get easier to get a grip and tell people how you feel. When someone starts to say something that you don't like or think is appropriate, stop them in mid sentence and tell them that you do not deserve to be talked to in that fashion. If they keep going, calmy repeat yourself. If one more word is said turn and walk away and do not say another word. People seem to think that you need to argue a point and you don't. If you shut people down before they get started and mean it your self-esteem will climb quickly and you will start to walk with your head up and that's when you will find out that you will not have to "confront" people anymore because you COMMAND respect before you ever open your mouth. I was a timid person the entire time I was growing up and well into my 20's and then I learned from a powerful force that I am a mother and I need to raise two boys who are someday going to have girlfriends and wives. I would never want them to learn that it is OK to treat anyone like that or allow themselves to be treated that way. If you stop talking to your boyfriend he will stop disrespecting you. It has to be that simple. Don't dramatize it, and don't be smug, just leave and don't come back. Respect you first and then everyone else will too! You are worth it.
Another thing you can do that would help is to start something new, martial arts is very helpful. It teaches you control and self worth. As a female it also helps with that helplessness we all feel from time to time. No longer helpless when you can... The ability to break boards and defend yourself makes you strong without help from anyone.