[Duice100]

You've probably heard this story a million times, but hear me out -- at least for a few paragraphs.

Here's the scenario: we go to the same college in the northeast, both in our early 20s. I met her at the start of this semester in our Spanish class. I don't know what it was, but just one day I sat next to her and struck up a conversation with her (in English) and we've been talking every day since (it's six weeks now).

Thanks to the wonders of Facebook, I knew she had a boyfriend. Or, at least, was "in a relationship" with a guy that goes to the same college. Interestingly enough though, she never called him her "boyfriend." She was telling me about one annoying kid we both know and how she would stay "at her friends place ," who was roommates with this kid. I end up finding out through the grapevine (aka the annoying kid) that this "friend" was her "in a relationship" guy from Facebook. Red flags go up: why would she call her "boyfriend" her "friend"?

So for at least two weeks, never mentions she has a boyfriend. Mentions his name, but calls him a friend every single time. And we were talking A LOT, so the fact that she has a boyfriend -- you would think -- would come up. But no.

One night we're trading IMs and we talked for hours online. We start talking about everything: her, me, her life, my life. She tells me everything about herself (which she later says she doesn't trust anyone to tell that to). She starts kicking around a subject, though, and I'm trying to see what EXACTLY she was referencing. She was very vague. So I just told her a story about my ex and what happened between us, and then boom -- she finally mentions the "B" word. She basically blurts out that she doesn't know about him and if it's going to work, etc. She tells me they actually broke up in December, only to get back together in January after not seeing each other after awhile and figuring they'd "give it a shot."

A week or two after that conversation, we get together to study for a Spanish test. I introduce her to my friend and somehow her boyfriend comes up into the conversation. However, she calls him her "kinda-sorta boyfriend." We ended up talking for almost three hours that night (nothing about our Spanish test the next day) and every time she referenced him she said "kinda-sorta boyfriend." Not by his name. Not just "boyfriend." But "kinda-sorta boyfriend." I thought that was interesting. Also, she told me she didn't tell him she was going to study with me one-on-one, but in a group because he would "spaz" if he found out, she said. Whenever he called her, too, she would just hang up the phone and not answer it so she could keep talking to me.

(Meanwhile, she says things to me like I'm "amazing" and "the nicest person she's ever met" and she "doesn't want to lose me from her life.")

After this great conversation we have together, she tells me she's going to vow to be happier. One of the things we talked about is that she really isn't that happy and that she deserves to be. Well, the next day she tells her boyfriend to shape up or she's leaving him. Sweet, but I kind of think it's an empty threat and I'll explain why.

So since then we have talked every day, traded hundreds of texts, IMs, etc. She never talks about her boyfriend, but she goes to his hometown every weekend to watch his band practice. My problem is that I feel like she's not HAPPY with her boyfriend, but she is CONTENT. She's stuck in a routine, too: she loves this band (and everyone in it, obviously) he's in, but I think she just loves the routine of it all. I think she might be scared to break up with him because then she'd lose all her friends who were HIS FRIENDS FIRST. I think she's scared to take a jump.

So I come to the Internet for advice. I've been told multiple things, but I'd like to get a consensus. I want her to know how I feel, but I also don't want to lose this friendship. It's risky, but if I lose this friendship, I'm going to be upset with myself. She's one of the nicest people I've met and I want to be with her, but if not, I'd still want to be her friend.

Thanks in advance, everyone.

[neverme]

Ok I read the first paragraph and a half out of courtesy and then realised that you were right in your first line.

It is the same as every other story.

If you really do think your both so special, then do the decent thing and wait for her to break up with him.

But by the way that your story goes she's not going to. Think about it like this, if she only has a kind of sort of boyfriend (a term I really don't get) and you're the best thing since sliced bread then why isn't she with you?

My best bet, because she's not into you.

Your great, you listen to her, tell her all about yourself, help her with Spanish and compliment her but sorry dude, I think she's riding off into the sunset with kind of sort of and your left standing there saying 'Whaaaaa?'

[Duice100]

Good points. So your suggestions are, it seems to me, to either A) wait it out or B) move on. Should I tell her how I feel?

[talaniman]

Beware the person who is sooooo unhappy with their relationship, but stays in it any way. If she knew how you felt, she may dump him for you, but would probably do you the same way after a while.

At best you would be a rebound to one unhappy person, who may just be afraid of being alone. The worst thing you can do, is listen to the words she gives you, and develop false hopes, when her actions are clearly saying she stays put until something solid comes along. Not good at all for a partner, no matter how attracted you are.

Friends is what you are, and for your own good, stay that way until more facts are forthcoming. A lot more.

[Duice100]

Beware the person who is sooooo unhappy with their relationship, but stays in it any way. If she knew how you felt, she may dump him for you, but would probably do you the same way after a while.

At best you would be a rebound to one unhappy person, who may just be afraid of being alone. The worst thing you can do, is listen to the words she gives you, and develop false hopes, when her actions are clearly saying she stays put until something solid comes along. Not good at all for a partner, no matter how attracted you are.

Friends is what you are, and for your own good, stay that way until more facts are forthcoming. A lot more.

So in other words, see how it plays out, but don't make any big, drastic moves?

[SirPeter]

Hey Duice100,

I can tell you this right now. No one likes the bloke who fancies his girlfriend. If a girlfriend has a boyfriend then leave them be and find a single girl. Disrupting peoples relationships or waiting to pounce on a girl fresh out of a relationship isn't wise, yes you'll probably get her but purely as a rebound boyfriend.

Overall not good, just leave her alone with intentions of being with her. Stay friends in all rights but I know from past experiences that I've really disliked the guys who liked my girlfriend and had intentions of the sexual nature.

I would'nt want you to get beaten up buddy so take care :)

[Duice100]

Hey Duice100,

I can tell you this right now. No one likes the bloke who fancies his girlfriend. If a girlfriend has a boyfriend then leave them be and find a single girl. Disrupting peoples relationships or waiting to pounce on a girl fresh out of a relationship isnt wise, yes you'll probably get her but purely as a rebound boyfriend.

Overall not good, just leave her alone with intentions of being with her. Stay friends in all rights but i know from past experiences that i've really disliked the guys who liked my girlfriend and had intentions of the sexual nature.

I would'nt want you to get beaten up buddy so take care :)

I don't want to get beaten up either, but who says that would happen to me? ;)

I hear what you're saying. It just sucks to see such a great girl get treated poorly by such a jerk of a guy.

[SirPeter]

I know mate, but really there's nothing you can do as a young man to help it.

They both might really love each other deep down and eventually get married and have kids. You wouldn't want to be hanging around by that stage or even see such a thing from fear of heart ache.

As I say just be friends, or distance friends if possible. Seek a good new girlfriend and if you find one, tell me where you found her because I'm still looking myself haha.

Peter

[talaniman]

So in other words, see how it plays out, but don't make any big, drastic moves?

Keep your distance until you know a lot more. Attraction, and impulsive decisions, based on those attractions, can be a lot of trouble. Keep her as a friend, and keep your own life balanced with other things, and people.

The bottom line is that she is unavailable for the romantic notions you have, and even if they break up, jumping from one guy to another, without healing first, isn't smart on her part, is it?

[Duice100]

Keep your distance until you know a lot more. Attraction, and impulsive decisions, based on those attractions, can be a lot of trouble. Keep her as a friend, and keep your own life balanced with other things, and people.

The bottom line is that she is unavailable for the romantic notions you have, and even if they break up, jumping from one guy to another, without healing first, isn't smart on her part, is it??

Good advice. Thanks.

[Duice100]

What do people think the pros/cons would be if I just told her how I feel?

[HistorianChick]

The one, best rule for potential relationships: If a man/woman is in a relationship, married, engaged, or otherwise "connected" to a woman/wife/girlfriend/man/husband/boyfriend, they are not available. Ever. Period.

Period.

[Duice100]

The one, best rule for potential relationships: If a man/woman is in a relationship, married, engaged, or otherwise "connected" to a woman/wife/girlfriend/man/husband/boyfriend, they are not available. Ever. Period.

Period.

Wait... period?

OK, I understand what you say. She's unavailable. But I think the bigger question is: what do I do in the meantime? Any suggestions for that?

[HistorianChick]

It shouldn't be "in the meantime." It should be "what do I do now?"

Accept the fact that she is not available and work on finding what makes you happy without her. I know, I know... that sounds "tree-huggery", but it's very true.

Accept that she's not going to be a part of your life and move on. Maybe some time down the road she WILL be - there is nothing saying that she won't see what an AMAZING guy you are and fall head over heels in love with you - but that's a maybe. You need to focus on NOW.

Go to the gym. Work on your six pack. Find a new hobby. Meet new people. Find YOU again. Don't be wrapped up in her.

Treat this like a new chapter in your life. Because it is. Its fresh, new, and the possibilities are endless.

Don't live your life for "what if she dumps him" live it for "how am I going to make a difference int he world for ME."

Best of luck.

[Duice100]

It shouldn't be "in the meantime." It should be "what do I do now?"

Accept the fact that she is not available and work on finding what makes you happy without her. I know, I know... that sounds "tree-huggery", but it's very true.

Accept that she's not going to be a part of your life and move on. Maybe some time down the road she WILL be - there is nothing saying that she won't see what an AMAZING guy you are and fall head over heels in love with you - but that's a maybe. You need to focus on NOW.

Go to the gym. Work on your six pack. Find a new hobby. Meet new people. Find YOU again. Don't be wrapped up in her.

Treat this like a new chapter in your life. Because it is. Its fresh, new, and the possibilities are endless.

Don't live your life for "what if she dumps him" live it for "how am I going to make a difference int he world for ME."

Best of luck.

Good advice. One thought, though, is that I really love having her as a friend. I think she's a fantastic person to talk to and just be friends with. I don't want to lose that "in the meantime." So continue with the friendship, but also incorporate what you said?

[jmw0713]

Besides the fact that has a BF right now, she sounds like she is confused about her own situation, which is causing you to get all analytical and confused as well. You are chasing after a girl who has no idea what she wants.

I would not wait for her, nor would I go after her if she finally does break-up with her BF. She sounds like the type of person who looks to for her happiness in others and is still in the search to find out what she wants. The only thing you would POSSIBLY be is a rebound and the temporary BF until she finds something better.

Right now she has you where she wants you... as the friend, the emotional tampon, the guy who she can vent to when things are crappy with her BF.

That is where you are, and that is where you will stay. Once you are in the Friend Zone... the jump over to the BF Zone is very, very difficult.

[Duice100]

Besides the fact that has a BF right now, she sounds like she is confused about her own situation, which is causing you to get all analytical and confused as well. You are chasing after a girl who has no idea what she wants.

I would not wait for her, nor would I go after her if she finally does break-up with her BF. She sounds like the type of person who looks to for her happiness in others and is still in the search to find out what she wants. The only thing you would POSSIBLY be is a rebound and the temporary BF until she finds something better.

Right now she has you where she wants you...as the friend, the emotional tampon, the guy who she can vent to when things are crappy with her BF.

That is where you are, and that is where you will stay. Once you are in the Friend Zone...the jump over to the BF Zone is very, very difficult.

Thanks for the advice. What do people think about all the signs I'm getting? There's plenty more I haven't even mentioned...

[talaniman]

Forget the signs your getting, and look at yourself, and your own motives.

That friends crap is nothing more than a way to stay close, and move in, in case she dumps her b/f. Oldest game in the book, and nothing but false hope and game.

Walk away, so you both can live your life without all this confusion, and drama, and behind the scene BS.

Its about clearing your head, and dealing with some reality, and making better decisions based on facts, and not feelings, signals, or whatever you think your seeing.

When you take another look without her influence, you may be able to see something you need to see.

FACT- She has a boyfriend and its not you!!

Till she breaks up with him, she is off limits, and you get to keep your dignity, and self respect, and can enjoy the options, and opportunities that life brings you.

Just a question to think about, why get involved with a female that has a boyfriend, and sends signals to other guys?

Makes no sense to me, not with all these available and free female running around.

[chuff]

I took your advice and just read the first 3 paragraphs. Then I read the rest of the replys.

It is so obvious you are back up plan being worked. Because we've heard this a million times (hey didn't you point that out) we can tell you exactly what is going to happen in very easy steps.

1. She is going to tell you that he's mean, we broke up, it's confusing blah blah blah.

2. You, instead of walking away from her internal drama and emotional problems will sit around and listen to her... as friends, to show her what a good guy you are.

3. She will realize, if she hasn't already that you are available at a moment's notice to dump her emotional problems on.

4. Perhaps she even drops him for you for a month or so.

5. Then she dumps you for him or someone else and gives you the lame but usual excuse, "I haven't got over my ex, and I want to do that before we get serious. Give me some time, because I really care for you."

6. You stick around thinking you have a chance.

7. Start at number 1.

Instead of all that, just get out now.

[Duice100]

I took your advice and just read the first 3 paragraphs. Then I read the rest of the replys.

It is so obvious you are back up plan being worked. Because we've heard this a million times (hey didn't you point that out) we can tell you exactly what is going to happen in very easy steps.

1. She is going to tell you that he's mean, we broke up, it's confusing blah blah blah.

2. You, instead of walking away from her internal drama and emotional problems will sit around and listen to her......as friends, to show her what a good guy you are.

3. She will realize, if she hasn't already that you are available at a moment's notice to dump her emotional problems on.

4. Perhaps she even drops him for you for a month or so.

5. Then she dumps you for him or someone else and gives you the lame but usual excuse, "I haven't got over my ex, and I want to do that before we get serious. Give me some time, because I really care for you."

6. You stick around thinking you have a chance.

7. Start at number 1.

Instead of all that, just get out now.

I appreciate the splash of humor. Thanks for the advice, bud.