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enigmagnetic · Apr 15, 2010, 01:57 PM

I dated a girl for 2 and half years and we broke up over 3 years ago. We both had issues that led to a pretty harsh break up. In the end we went our separate ways and have spoken only briefly over email in the last 3 years. I haven't heard from her in about 2 years, although there have been times when we have run into each other, although we did not speak, because she was with someone she was dating.

3 days ago she emailed me wanting to see how I was, asking about my love life, work, and telling me how great of a person I am. She went on to say she is in a serious relationship, and stated she is moving in with him while rhetorically asking me whether that is the normal thing to do in order to take a relationship to another level.

I've ignored her for 3 years, and I'm just curious as to why she would contact me now. I guess the conventional wisdom would point to some level of insecurity within her own relationship, and perhaps she has contacted me to sort of say, listen this is it I'm warning you that I'm going to be extremely unavailable and this is your last chance to intervene bub.

The only reason I ask, is because she is the only person I've ever loved. I haven't dated for 3 years, too, but not because I don't have options, just because I think I want to find someone better than what I've had, you know always move up, but I haven't had any luck, and I don't want to sell anyone short.

I'm also in a transitory period in terms of career, where I'm switching careers and heading back to school, which means I won't have a good pay check coming to me for a while. Should I reply? Is she just getting a feel for where I am? Any help would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

jmw0713 · Apr 15, 2010, 02:40 PM

Whether you reply is up to you. Do you still have feelings for her?

Does her contacting you make you want to rekindle things?

If the answer is yes to either of those questions, I would advise you to ignore the message and stay on your current path. Most of the time messages like this are just friendly "Hey! How are you?" type things, but in this case she specifically mentioned her involvement with someone else and the fact that she is moving in with them. Mentioning things like that sounds like she is fishing for a reaction. She is seeing if you still care. She wants to know if you are still holding on to any shred of feelings for her. She wants to keep you around in case stuff with this guy falls through and she needs a shoulder to cry on. Sorry, that ship sailed when you broke up.

IMO, you have two options:

1. Ignore the message completely. Delete it and move on your merry way. She has a new guy. She should be asking him these things.

2. Reply to the message in a light friendly manner. Tell her about how things are now and leave it at that. No need to mention love life or give her ANY advice or emotional support. That is what her girlfriends and current boyfriend are for. That is no longer your realm and she doesn't need to know what's up with your private life.

After re-reading your post again, I suggest you stick with option one. You sound like you still have feelings for her. She is fishing for any hint that you do in order to boost her own ego. You're already analyzing her correspondence for any shred of evidence that she may want you back or that she still loves you. Any response back to her will feed the false hope you still harbor and you will start moving backward instead of forward.

First loves are very tough to get over. I'm still battling the ghosts from mine and we broke up 1 1/2 years ago. I know any correspondence with my ex would lead to false hope and a emotionally heartbreaking dead-end... it already did once. I haven't dated much in this time, but I've met some really great girls along the way. The trick is to keep putting yourself out there and see who comes along. It isn't easy, but if you stick with it, you will find someone better.

talaniman · Apr 15, 2010, 07:57 PM

Hi again guy. After I read your other posts I strongly suggest you leave this female completely alone, as she seems to relish torturing you every so often. This is but more of the same I feel, and I hope you let her go finally, and forever.

I don't often suggest such drastic measures, but in your case with your history with her, Tell her to leave you the freak alone, before you have to tell her new guy what a lowdown dirty skank he is with!!

Enough, really is enough.

amicon · Apr 15, 2010, 11:51 PM

Don't allow yourself to be manipulated into any contact.

It seems this person is poison,so ignore her forever.

enigmagnetic · Apr 19, 2010, 11:53 AM

Thanks folks. I'm going to be polite, and go with your option 2 jmw, and I will not discuss my love life or give any advice or support.

Tal I forgot I had such a long thread going about her before. I reread everything I posted and realized how biased I was before. We both really made tons of mistakes.

I have a hard time understanding how an ex can be motivated by egotism in seeking attention. I don't understand the rationale, is it not enough to be in a serious relationship?

Anyway guys thanks a lot, I got my resolve back.

talaniman · Apr 19, 2010, 11:59 AM

The world is made up of many different kinds of people, and sometimes it takes time, or circumstances to see, and realize what you're dealing with.

Life is not always rational, even for those of us who have been around a bit. It is what it is.

jmw0713 · Apr 19, 2010, 02:04 PM

Good luck. Don't read too much into her response. She isn't your's anymore.

enigmagnetic · Apr 20, 2010, 12:04 PM

I wrote back :/

I'm regretting it now. It was short and sort of crass. "I've been accepted to med school. I'm single and I want it like that. Good luck with your life, etc etc." Now I'm afraid to open my email!!

It's like what's the point, she's taken, left me for dead, and now wants her conscience cleared. I feel as if the time spent is energy wasted.

Why didn't I just ignore her!! I'm a silly fool. :(

jmw0713 · Apr 20, 2010, 01:10 PM

Hopefully you learn from this and realize that false hope leads to more heart break.

I felt the same way when I decided to spend my Halloween out with my ex and her friends. Talk about a mistake!

You will learn and grow from this. Soon enough you will find the confidence and strength to finally say "F### her!" and let go. That is the only way to truly move on and deal with these feelings you are experiencing.

vanheart · Apr 20, 2010, 07:13 PM

"It's like what's the point, she's taken, left me for dead, and now wants her conscience cleared"

That's usually how it goes. Its out of your control.

Time to go NC, buddy. Move on from this.

The more you wait, the harder it will be.

enigmagnetic · Apr 21, 2010, 04:50 AM

I've gone NC for about 2 years up until this point. I'm not heartbroken about it, just sort of initially taken aback and you know there is always that feeling with an old flame. Your heart skips a beat. I'm disappointed I felt anything at all.

amicon · Apr 21, 2010, 05:03 AM

Don't be.
Bump in the road.

Onwards and upwards.

jmw0713 · Apr 21, 2010, 07:24 AM

Keep your chin up and eyes forward toward the future. Nobody ever got anywhere staring back at the past.

vanheart · Apr 21, 2010, 07:08 PM

"I'm not heartbroken about it"

Then screw it.

nicobottema · Apr 23, 2010, 02:29 AM

On the other hand if you were interested in her, you could've gone all heyhey, how are things, what an odd thing you're talking to me about this, but here's my 2 cents, and be all light and fluffy about it. Which might evolve in friendly contact in which she gets to see how amazing you still are in combination with seemingly no feelings for her any longer... Although I don't know whether that's possible, and it'd not be my preference to be with such a person any longer, it might be another potentially realistic perspective?

jmw0713 · Apr 23, 2010, 07:08 AM

Not a good idea. He still harbors feelings that would get in the way of trying to forge a true friendship and would instead feed into his false hope.

Then when things don't work out how he would want them, he would be in much more pain.

hungtoronto · Apr 23, 2010, 09:03 AM

Originally Posted by enigmagnetic

3 days ago she emailed me wanting to see how I was, asking about my love life, work, and telling me how great of a person I am. She went on to say she is in a serious relationship, and stated she is moving in with him while rhetorically asking me whether that is the normal thing to do in order to take a relationship to another level.

I've ignored her for 3 years, and I'm just curious as to why she would contact me now.

I had an ex that contacted me after a few years as well. This is after she is married and has kids.

She told me how great I was, and asked about me. In my case, she wasn't happy with him and regretted leaving me. And said she would chose me instead of him.

When the exes have fight or problem with their current SO they tend to think about the exes. Maybe she's comparing you and her boyfriend and maybe he's lacking something that you have and is looking for your support.

My ex call me once in a blue moon and ask about my life and tell me about her. Just a matter of fact, she called me yesterday a year after we spoke last time. I learned that her husband lost his job 9 months ago and is going back to school.

You should go NC until you can be indifferent. You know u're over her when you don't care why she contacted you and questioning her motive.