[talaniman]

The shock is wearing off, and reality is setting in. Old habits die hard.

[Kitkat22]

I hope you listen to the advice.

[vanheart]

Leave it to Tal to cut right through.
Love rehab.

[Kitkat22]

Tal always gives great advice and so do you Vanheart.

[talaniman]

Life is one hell of a teacher, and takes no prisoners. Thanks for the kind words!

[vanheart]

Yup. Heavy. Man. Hehehe.

Can the teacher mark you present, or should they mark you absent?

[Kitkat22]

Tal, you are one of a kind!

I say that with the upmost respect!

[kp2171]

I feels odd, the first 7 days i was completely over it, was no contact etc, and didnt care.

Now im on day 14 and instead of it getting easier, i find myself getting the urge to contact her....although im not. It's odd because for the first 10 days, the urge did not exist at ALL! I thought this urge usually happens during the first week or so, not this many days into it.

Any advice or past experiences?

Expect big swings.

And when I say "expect" I mean anticipate it and come to peace with it to some degree.

Without going into a lot of ugly detail, I went through a period of very heavy depression once... clinical, chronic, bad, bad stuff.

The irony of it all was when I started working out of the depression, I suddenly had major anxiety swings. Friends would ask how this felt and the best I could come up with was it felt like I just woke up, having heard glass break, and just saw someone with a gun move down my hall. Just. Like. That.

Seems that people who come out of depression sometimes struggle with this 'cause you weren't feeling anything but numbed and rock bottom, and suddenly there's all these emotions to deal with. Most of my hard anxiety hits can after a really great day... as if my body just couldn't accept that good was good and it could last or at least not be followed by awful.

So... whathehell does this have to do with you? Well... instead of freaking out when that anxiety hit right out of nowhere, I simply would tell myself "yep. there it is. been waiting for ja"... and over time, weeks, I completely worked that out of my system for the most part. And a big part of it was simply accepting "im probably going to have a bad hit sometime in the next day or two and thats fine"...

Well... I found a similar pattern with the breakup of a Big love. Id be doing fine, even have a few great days, and within a week id have that swing toward missing her, wanting to contact, etc. pi$$ed me off... frustrated me...

But again, somehow it seemed better just to give myself permission to have that desire for contact or wanting to know how she is, etc...

Might sound like headcase mumbo jumbo, but I think it can work.

When you really begin to believe that your actions and your emotions are completely different... that its completely OK to miss someone and not contact them... that its perfectly normal to have someone insult you or even anger you, but to be able to shrug it off... when you can start to talk yourself into that place, then life just isn't such a struggle.

Fine. You are really missing that contact. Its expected. Normal. Uncomfortable. A little maddening. But the reason to have distance isn't driven by your feelings... its driven by the situation and by need. It isn't healthy to have contact right now, whether you are feeling good or bad.

Its like saying the sun is going to rise and set whether you feel glad, bad, sad, mad... I'm a regular dr seuss tnite... if space is needed, its needed...

So give yourself permission to feel those cravings. Its normal. It sucks. Its annoying. But OK. Doesn't change the situation.

Maybe that kind of self talk won't help everyone... but for an ill tempered irish jerk like me... its done some powerful stuff... takes time to trust in it and you still catch yourself being a moron... but there's a lot of power in accepting that your feelings don't drive your actions... your beliefs should drive your actions.

k.

I'm done with the mental flossing.

I want thai food. Right. Now.

[vanheart]

Good idea. Thai food.

[Kitkat22]

Good idea. Thai food.

Goodnight... Later

[confused580]

expect big swings.

and when i say "expect" i mean anticipate it and come to peace with it to some degree.

without going into a lot of ugly detail, i went through a period of very heavy depression once... clinical, chronic, bad, bad stuff.

the irony of it all was when i started working out of the depression, i suddenly had major anxiety swings. friends would ask how this felt and the best i could come up with was it felt like i just woke up, having heard glass break, and just saw someone with a gun move down my hall. just. like. that.

seems that people who come out of depression sometimes struggle with this 'cause you werent feeling anything but numbed and rock bottom, and suddenly theres all these emotions to deal with. most of my hard anxiety hits can after a really great day... as if my body just couldnt accept that good was good and it could last or at least not be followed by awful.

so... whathehell does this have to do with you? well... instead of freaking out when that anxiety hit right out of nowhere, i simply would tell myself "yep. there it is. been waiting for ja"... and over time, weeks, i completely worked that out of my system for the most part. and a big part of it was simply accepting "im probably going to have a bad hit sometime in the next day or two and thats fine"...

well... i found a similar pattern with the breakup of a Big love. id be doing fine, even have a few great days, and within a week id have that swing toward missing her, wanting to contact, etc. pi$$ed me off... frustrated me...

but again, somehow it seemed better just to give myself permission to have that desire for contact or wanting to know how she is, etc...

might sound like headcase mumbo jumbo, but i think it can work.

when you really begin to believe that your actions and your emotions are completely different... that its completely ok to miss someone and not contact them... that its perfectly normal to have someone insult you or even anger you, but to be able to shrug it off... when you can start to talk yourself into that place, then life just isnt such a struggle.

fine. you are really missing that contact. its expected. normal. uncomfortable. a little maddening. but the reason to have distance isnt driven by your feelings... its driven by the situation and by need. it isnt healthy to have contact right now, whether you are feeling good or bad.

its like saying the sun is going to rise and set whether you feel glad, bad, sad, mad.... im a regular dr seuss tnite... if space is needed, its needed...

so give yourself permission to feel those cravings. its normal. it sucks. its annoying. but ok. doesnt change the situation.

maybe that kind of self talk wont help everyone... but for an ill tempered irish jerk like me... its done some powerful stuff... takes time to trust in it and you still catch yourself being a moron... but theres a lot of power in accepting that your feelings dont drive your actions... your beliefs should drive your actions.

k.

im done with the mental flossing.

i want thai food. right. now.

Thank you all!! and thank you for this!! I was stuck looking at my phone, waiting for a call lol like most of us do... Every text that comes through, I think its her... Our emotions are insane at times. I went to the gym about an hour ago, worked out, and that took away the urge to call A lot.

The MAIN times I have this struggle is in the morning when waking up, and at night when going to sleep. I toss and turn wondering who she is with, what she's doing, etc... I know its all normal. Being unemployed doesn't help either. I enrolled in school, but that doesn't start until the summer.

A friend of mine told me to smoke a blunt at night. That will put me to sleep and I won't be thinking of anything, lol... Im not going to do that.

I went to the bar with friends last night, met a cool person. This person wants to get to know me more and have dinner tomorrow... I agreed to that, but I'm not going to get into the dating scene that quick... I mean... its only been 14 days since we broke up... and I plan to let this person know that as well

[Kitkat22]

thank you all!!!, and thank you for this!!. I was stuck looking at my phone, waiting for a call lol like most of us do....Every text that comes thru, I think its her...Our emotions are insane at times. I went to the gym about an hour ago, worked out, and that took away the urge to call A lot.

The MAIN times I have this struggle is in the morning when waking up, and at night when going to sleep. I toss and turn wondering who she is with, what she's doing, etc...I know its all normal. Being unemployed doesnt help either. I enrolled in school, but that doesnt start until the summer.

A friend of mine told me to smoke a blunt at night. That will put me to sleep and I wont be thinking of anything, lol...Im not going to do that.

I went to the bar with friends last night, met a cool person. This person wants to get to know me more and have dinner tommorrow...I agreed to that, but im not going to get into the dating scene that quick....i mean....its only been 14 days since we broke up...and I plan to let this person know that as well

Good for you! It will get easier I promise you! Just try to stay away from the blunts and the booze. You know how weak most people get when they drink. Hope you have a wonderful time and take it slow. Blessings!

[vanheart]

Clarity, remember?

Booze & blunts aren't going to help you get through this. Just mask the issues.
Habits, just like this past relationship.

You got to fix yourself first & take a hard look at what just happened & why.
(who you are & how you go about things)

Responsibility, remember?

Especially before you bring someone else romantically into your life.

Be honest w/yourself & everyone else & you'll be fine.

And don't worry who's she with or if you're going to get a message from her.
Those are just unknowns that should be left unknown.

[Kitkat22]

Clarity, remember?

Booze & blunts arent gonna help you get through this. Just mask the issues.
Habits, just like this past relationship.

You gotta fix yourself first & take a hard look at what just happened & why.
(who you are & how you go about things)

Responsibility, remember?

Especially before you bring someone else romantically into your life.

Be honest w/yourself & everyone else & you'll be fine.


And dont worry whos she with or if youre gonna get a message from her.
Those are just unknowns that should be left unknown.

I know are trying to get past this relationship and move on

Don't drink and don't smoke. Don't talk to this date about "HER"

Don't start looking for another woman until you are well past this

Spend some time alone getting to know yourself

[vanheart]

YES!!

Take some time, be patient. Go through the anxiety & hurt.
Remember that research on yourself. Who am I?

If you do that & work hard, you will thank yourself later & you will find that others see that. Or who is worthy of being close to you.

Build some character. Sounds like you've been an avoider from the get go.
Its time to be an adult.

The last thing a woman wants is to hear about your last crappy relationship.
Ugh.

[confused580]

YES!!!!!!!!

Take some time, be patient. Go through the anxiety & hurt.
Remember that research on yourself. Who am I?

If you do that & work hard, you will thank yourself later & you will find that others see that. Or who is worthy of being close to you.

Build some character. Sounds like youve been an avoider from the get go.Its time to be an adult.

The last thing a woman wants is to hear about your last crappy relationship.
Ugh.

Thank you for that... an avoider how?

[vanheart]

Again, Im speaking of responsibility.
Trying your best to not repeat mistakes, that's all.

Don't have a cow. Here's some examples:

"I am the type that if i lose someone I start panicking and drinking excessively"

"I don't know if its because i slept with someone on saturday"

"Yes, I have went off on her when I was drinking."

"But this relationship should have been left a long time ago."

"I believe it was a mix of alcohol and incompatability"

"What I will say to you is for the last 6.5 years, we've had that make-up break-up type of relationship where we've never been broken up for more than 2 or 3 weeks and yes i know that is TOXIC"

"I went to the bar with friends last night, met a cool person. This person wants to get to know me more and have dinner tommorrow..."

[confused580]

Again, Im speaking of responsibility.
Trying your best to not repeat mistakes, thats all.

Dont have a cow. Heres some examples:

"I am the type that if i lose someone I start panicking and drinking excessively"

"I don't know if its because i slept with someone on saturday"

"Yes, I have went off on her when I was drinking."

"But this relationship should have been left a long time ago."

"I believe it was a mix of alcohol and incompatability"

"What I will say to you is for the last 6.5 years, we've had that make-up break-up type of relationship where we've never been broken up for more than 2 or 3 weeks and yes i know that is TOXIC"

"I went to the bar with friends last night, met a cool person. This person wants to get to know me more and have dinner tommorrow..."

OK I understand, thank u for that, and I will do some inner digging

[Kitkat22]

Why don't you just get away by yourself for a couple of days.

No women, no booze, no blunts. Go fishing or visit an old friend

Learn to respect yourself and you'll find alone time is the best way.


Good Luck

[vanheart]

Good, one. Buddy. Your welcome. I want to see you get yourself together.
Not just with this breakup.(thats easy), I mean you.

Not trying to bust your chops, just let you know that our life is our own.

No one else's.

Its easy to be on auto-pilot. Believe that things are out of our control.

Its just the opposite.

Some people waste their entire life that way. Then wonder why.