[splitnhairss]

I have many questions to ask. However, for the sake of clarity, I think it is best to address my situation one at a time.
Firstly, I am an American studying and living in Europe. I will be here for at least two more years. A few months after my arrival here, I met a great girl. I have been in a relationship with her for two years now.
She loves me very very much. She told me the other day that I am her 'special, one and only, first true love'.
The problem is that I do not think that I feel the same way and my sexuality changes from day to day. One day I am convinced I am bi, the next gay. However, what is constant is that I do harbour deep feelings for her and enjoy sex with her. I love her family. I love the relationship that we have. She has taught me a lot about my life and my life with her is really great.
During most of our time together, however, I have been in contact with my ex-boyfriend, who lives in the US, over the internet. We would talk and be very sexual together, JO videos, dirty talk, etc. I really feel strongly and viscerally connected to him, much more than with my girlfriend. She knew about this and it caused many problems for our relationship. Recently, I finally told the ex to leave me alone and that I do not want to have a relationship with him, although inside I still feel deeply for him. And, I told my girlfriend that I needed space. I have also started going to therapy. This situation, of course, has caused me much confusion and in the process I have been very dishonest to many people, including myself.
But, secondly, I have also started having sex with male strangers who I meet on the internet. I have stopped doing this, however. But, in the process, I have gained two buddies that do not want a relationship, only friendship and sex. And, during a work trip I met a great guy. We had a fling and now we talk all the time and are becoming best of friends. So, I have been having sex with many other people, without telling my girlfriend.

Thirdly, I am in the US right now on holiday. My girlfriend came with me because we had bought plane tickets before we 'broke up'. I realize more than ever that I care about her a lot. My family loves her too. But, at the same time, I am making a sex date with a guy I once knew and want to sneak away from her. And, now, I feel like I miss my ex-bf again; I just jo thinking about him.
The question is, what the hell am I doing? How can I make my life clear? I need help so bad...

[Jake2008]

You should only be in one relationship at a time, whatever that happens to be.

It is very unfair to your girlfriend to think that there is a future with you right now, and I'm not sure from what you've posted whether you've actually broken up.

It doesn't matter if you are straight or bi, what matters is that your girlfriends' expectations of you, are something you are unable to provide. You are meeting up with and having affairs with other people.

While you may deeply love your girlfriend and her family, you have to be true to yourself first. You are not being true to them either, as you live a double life.

You can't make yourself straight! If you are bi, you are bi. The point being your girlfriend is not the one to be hanging onto hope that you will her 'one and only' as she told you a few days ago.

Please be honest with her. Let her know that you are bi, and are unable to commit to only her, and that would be the truth wouldn't it?

[artlady]

Regardless of your sexual orientation,you need to think about the impact that purely sexual affairs are having on you.

Are they truly fulfilling a need in you or just a pastime?

When there is no connection but a sexual one,it can leave you feeling cheap and used.

It might be fun to play the field for a while but I would think it would get old at some point and you would find yourself asking"is that all their is"?

Regarding your GF,she deserves total honesty and commitment and the way you are playing the field is dangerous to her health as well.

Sex with strangers,no matter how careful you think you are being poses risks and she should not be placed in that type of jeopardy.

It sounds to me like you are afraid to come out and accept your homosexuality for fear of family reproach.

I would refrain from any relationship until you come to a point in your therapy where you are not conflicted and you can commit to a relationship

Work on your issues before you complicate matters with other people.You are adding complications to an already complicated situation and you need to step back and work on you first.

[splitnhairss]

I really appreciate the time and effort you both put into writing this. I have been struggling with this for a long time and it was not until recently that I realized that the problem was inside me.I really think your advice is great; I just need to grow some balls and take action. No matter how hard I try to bring simplicity to my life, the truth is that I messed everything up and brought myself tremendous complications. I told my girlfriend yesterday that I could not be faithful and commit to her. And, I have decided that I am going to refrain from sex with anybody for a while, until I am capable of understanding what a relationship even means and what I want. This will be very difficult for me because I am addicted to sex.
However, artlady, you are right, sex makes me feel empty and I feel depressed every time I have it. But, I am really not sure if I can do this. Does pornography count?

But, I really want to get better. I have never been in a happy satisfying relationship; I am discovering in therapy that this is because of my childhood--mother died when I was very young, father was not emotionally there for me, molested, bla bla bla.

Again, I thank you both for your candid responses and comments.

[Jake2008]

You have come a long way already. Some big changes there, kudos to you for taking the steps you have.

I agree that you are wise to refrain from sex (including porn) until you understand yourself and your needs better.

The hardest part is deciding to change your behaviour; you're really on you way now.

I hope you'll post again when you can, keep us informed as to how you're doing.

[trulytrying]

Recovery is here. | Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous
Sex and love addicts anonymous sounds right up your alley.
Check out the website... there is a "40 questions for self diagnosis" on there that might be a helpful tool for self discovery and recovery. No harm in checking it out right?
Here is a quote from the site...
"It may take several forms—including, but not limited to a compulsive need for sex, extreme dependency on one or many people, or a chronic preoccupation with romance, intrigue, or fantasy. An obsessive compulsive pattern, either sexual or emotional, or both, exists in which relationships or sexual activities have become increasingly destructive to career, family and sense of self-respect. Sex addiction and love addiction, if left unchecked, always gets worse. However, if we follow a simple program which has proven successful for scores of other men and women with the same illness, we can recover."
I wish you well. : )
PS... the blue writing at the top of my post is a link to the site.