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Janmarie · Apr 2, 2009, 02:43 PM

I understand your point BMI and an addict does deserve a second chance. And a person can care for them very much. As a mother I would still care about my child if he were an addict and always hope that he would get and stay clean...But also as a mother of a young and very impressionable daughter I would not want her subjected to that nor would I ever want to put her in a position that could be very dangerous in many ways. The whole situation is very alarming and my concern is for the children. As far as the addict I hope this time it works for him but it sounds like he needs to stay away from his friend that comes into town.

Survivor07 · Apr 2, 2009, 04:00 PM

Originally Posted by BMI

I must point out that over the course of this thread I'm a little shocked over the wording and descriptions being used in terms of addicts. They are people too and to suggest they will not change is not fair, neither is it helpful.

However, you did mention people deserving a second chance although your numbering was off. You being with him in the first place was his second chance, NOT when he relapsed. I am all for you having made that leap of faith in the hopes of him getting better, when he didn't it was time to go. You simply have too much to lose to gamble with someone that has continually shown a lack of sincerity in terms of getting better.

Finally, I will disagree with some of the statements made towards this man and addcts in general, but I do believe the advice is correct. Leave or you'll be dragged down too. You being there for him is not helping him the way you think it is, in fact it may well be hurting him in his recovery. Nevertheless, it is you and your future you need focus on.

I think this girl needed to be "shocked" into the reality of her situation.

I am cynical in my opinions due to my personal and professional experience with people battling a drug addiction, which is why I am grateful for people like you who are hopeful in their rehabilitation, because if the world were full of people with my mindset there wouldn't be so many rehabs, only more jails.

The time for rehab to work on him was when he was in his teens. I AM hopeful for the young people with addictions to be "saved".

That said, this man made a choice to use drugs at a young age. Apparently the Just Say No campaign was lost on him, along with the numerous "second chances". This woman also has a choice. We are all hoping she chooses to walk away from him.

VAN5090 · Apr 29, 2009, 08:41 AM

Its been a couple months since I've updated ,
Im still with this guy and he's still doing heroin Its so hard to leave I don't know what to do...

Justwantfair · Apr 29, 2009, 09:02 AM

I don't know what advice we can give that you will take.

You know the dangers, you are choosing him over your daughters.

Nothing that we can say will mean anything, you will continue on your self-destructive path.

Survivor07 · Apr 29, 2009, 09:03 AM

Why is it hard to leave?

You do know what to do.

Start with re-reading all of these posts.

VAN5090 · Apr 29, 2009, 09:11 AM

I've gotten emotionally attached to this man I care so much about him, I've met his mother and she's been threw hell , I don't know how to leave..

artlady · Apr 29, 2009, 09:16 AM

Originally Posted by VAN5090

I've gotten emotionally attached to this man I care so much about him, I've met his mother and she's been threw hell , I dont know how to leave..

Since you are determined to stay in this relationship.I am giving you a link so that you can contact a counselor free of charge on line to speak to your direct concerns.
I have given you my input previous and my statement still stands but I think this link can help you.You do need help.

Effects of Heroin on the Family

VAN5090 · Apr 29, 2009, 09:20 AM

I Saw him yesterday jobless for months now and collecting unemployment dressed down.
He told me to leave him that I don't deserve everything he's put me and his family threw and that He deserves to be alone and misreable, He told me he wants to change but its so hard Hes attending meetings but conffesed that he shot up again last week. :(

Survivor07 · Apr 29, 2009, 09:22 AM

He's still on heroin? REALLY?

You could update this post in another year and it will be the same, only worse.

You said you were emotionally attached from the beginning. Staying with him made it more so.

It's HIS mother. Not your problem. You're making it your problem. WHY?

I guess you WANT to go through hell, too.

You have severe self-esteem issues. Why else would you NEED this guy?

Saddest part is, you've allowed a heroin addict into the lives of your children.

When you should be raising your girls and having fun, enjoying them, teaching them right from wrong, instead you're being the shoulder for his mother to cry on.

You need more help than can be offered here. A counselor can help you find out more about YOU and why you still cannot see why this guy is no good for you or your children.

liz28 · Apr 29, 2009, 09:26 AM

Sadly, it is his life to live and until he decides to get help, things will always be the same.

Now you have a life with 2 daughters to think about so don't worry about a grown man that most likely will never change.

Focus on your life and kids.

artlady · Apr 29, 2009, 09:26 AM

Originally Posted by VAN5090

I Saw him yesterday jobless for months now and collecting unemployment dressed down.
He told me to leave him that I dont deserve everything he's put me and his family threw and that He deserves to be alone and misreable, He told me he wants to change but its so hard Hes attending meetings but conffesed that he shot up again last week. :(

You are attached to him and he is attached to heroin.
I know that does not make him a bad guy.I have had addictions in my past and I know what a battle it is but you need to concentrate on your part in this drama.Follow the link I have provided and talk to a counselor.

Its free,you stand to lose nothing. Get help for you and possibly you will then be able to do what is best for him. Get educated about the disease.

Effects of Heroin on the Family

Romefalls19 · Apr 29, 2009, 09:27 AM

Van, I can tell you first hand. They do not change, my fiance's ex is going to rehab, again(6th time) for drug addiction(heroin mostly) and this one is a year long(which he won't do) and he just got out of rehab in December after 10 months, THEY DON'T CHANGE!

liz28 · Apr 29, 2009, 09:32 AM

Van, Please look at the link Artlady provided because you need help. It ashame that it took him to tell you to leave him alone before you realize this. At least he knows he is no good for you because of his habit so please follow his advise and stay away from him.

Justwantfair · Apr 29, 2009, 09:47 AM

Originally Posted by VAN5090

I've gotten emotionally attached to this man I care so much about him, I've met his mother and she's been threw hell , I dont know how to leave..

What about your emotional attachment to your children?

Does that mean NOTHING to you, because that is all I see.

You aren't a victim and I refuse to treat you like one. These children are victims and if you want to stay with this man, I highly suggest that you look for a legal guardian for your daughters. This is emotionally damaging to their future.

talaniman · Apr 29, 2009, 10:32 AM

Face the facts, you have no relationship with him.

Janmarie · Apr 29, 2009, 08:04 PM

Something else I want to bring to your attention. This man is using needles and possibly unclean needles which is one of the main tools used to spread AIDS, Hepatitis C and other diseases. Be careful.

mum45 · Apr 29, 2009, 08:38 PM

Took me 15 years to realize I could not change an alcoholic. MY decision to stay with, leave, and return to him 9 times before I permanantly left him damaged our children... They were 14 and 10 when we finally fled for good. It was by the grace of God that we had our lives when it was all over. The decision is yours, and only yours. Your children are innocents, and should not have to go through the drama, the pain, the fear, the constant rollercoaster life of living with addiction. They deserve a mother who loves them more than a man with a monkey who will never be off his back. Addiction is a lifelong thing. Drugs, alcohol, whatever, addiction is addiction. I am lucky, thankful, and grateful that my two natural children have overcome MOST of the damage that my lack of self esteem choices caused them, but I do know that they could have led much, much happier lives. And THAT was my fault. Their bad childhood memories are MY fault.

artlady · May 1, 2009, 01:38 AM

Originally Posted by Romefalls19

Van, I can tell you first hand. They do not change, my fiance's ex is going to rehab, again(6th time) for drug addiction(heroin mostly) and this one is a year long(which he won't do) and he just got out of rehab in December after 10 months, THEY DON'T CHANGE!

I appreciate that you have had one experience but there are many recovered addicts out there.
You are painting with a very broad brush.I was a heroin addict and I know it can be done.

Gemini54 · May 1, 2009, 02:43 AM

Sadly, I don't think Van will be back.

Hopefully, I'm wrong.

Romefalls19 · May 1, 2009, 06:26 AM

Originally Posted by artlady

I appreciate that you have had one experience but there are many recovered addicts out there.
You are painting with a very broad brush.I was a heroin addict and I know it can be done.

They have to WANT to kick the habit, have a sound support system and enough will power to do it. There are not a lot of people out there, the number is far greater in the number of relapses than there are in the number of recovered addicts and studies support this.