[serenity1]

I'm almost embarrassed to even ask the following, seeing as I'm 35 yr old stable guy, and it's probably something I should already know... but some confusion has gotten into the mix, so here goes.

I'm 35 never married, no kids.
Earlier in my life I was a workaholic, later in life I thought things through way too much: Each resulted in short-lasting relationships.
5 years ago my father passed away extremely unexpected, causing me to not express myself verbally well with women (you're beautiful, I miss you, anything said that would heighten any feelings I had for anyone including dates).

8 Weeks ago, I met someone who I think is fantastic when I was out of town working in a small town. (She lives 90 minutes away.) We've been dating since that time. It's a lot of planning and driving.

Everything with this person has been foreign to me ( and according to her, unusual as well). Same interests, similar outlooks on 99% of things, just fantastic endless conversations about most anything. Physical attraction is there for both, each gets along great with other's family. If anything, we probably spend waaaay too much time on the phone. ( I hate talking on the phone with others, and I've never caught her on the phone with anyone else for over a minute). I'm able to open up to her and say things and express myself that I've never fully communicated with anyone in years.

After a few dates and a sleep-over we had no sex. So I brought sex up later.
(I knew that one of her hangups was her ex of 3 years cheated on her, and it destroyed her a year ago). She said she was just trying to be good and not rush into things with me.
Well, after hanging out more with me and friends and family, she initiated things herself.

Since we've had sex, she's told me she's a recovering sex addict. Imagine: Random guy, little to no conversation, no kinky stuff, just to get her orgasm. I'm guessing 75+ guys. The vast majority occurred before she was with the last guy for 3 years. It's something she's been working on fixing. This has been a cause for concern for me.

I'm a odd bird, I've slept with many, but never cheated in a relationship, all were in some sort of dating relationship. Maybe I'm just not being honest with myself here, but I really don't think so. I've never had any one night stands ever, couldn't do it if I wanted to.

Since we started seeing more of each other, naturally she's curious what I'm doing daily since we live over an hour away and differing work schedules. It sure seems as if she cares a great deal about me, wanting to impress family, compromise, wants, needs. She hasn't been wined,dined,communicated with this much before so it's different for her, but she seems to just really be into me. Swears she hasnt' had sex in 6 months prior to me.

The current cause for alarm for me that I've seen, is that almost of her friends are guys and she's a big text messager. I do also from females, but they are truly just friends and family. Maybe I'm just over-analyzing this.

I feel like I can get over a mate's prior sex partners and not bring it up again, if I know it's not going to repeat itself.


My questions are many,

1)I've read a little about sex addicts, Can she turn away from that and also be able to recognize a real relationship?

2)Am I just being nieve?

3)At what point is it normal to be spell out being exclusive? I've always said I'd never be the first again to make that decision. I've been burned twice in the past. "You're the one who said you wanted to be exclusive, i just agreed to it!" statements.
She's teased several times about us not seeing anyone else, and says she'd be highly upset if anything came between us.

4)She's making future projects,decorating, and other ideas of things that we can do. Now knowing this, is that moving too fast?

5)Are there any questions I should ask her for further clarification?

6)Finally, I over-think Everything. And it's kept me out of a lot of bad relationships, and probably good ones too. So, I've tried to be a little more in tune with what I feel lately, so am I just over-thinking this just because I found out about her past??

My untrustworthy woman radar is telling me that she likes me in spades, but hey, I'm just a guy.

[Mr_NO_BS]

You both get along great and enjoy each other. If she had not mentioned that she was a recovering sex addict, would your "untrustworthy woman radar" have sounded? Did you feel uneasy with her before she mentioned she was a recovering sex addict? My point is that there are people every day that date and do not know the entire past of their partner. Some fine out about their partners past early on and some find out well after marriage. There are many people dating non-sex addicts only to find out that their partner cheated multiple times. So, conversely, is it possible to date a recovering sex addict that does not cheat?

Based on everything else, I don't think you should break up with her just because of her former addiction.

[Choux]

YOu didn't say how old she was... from your description of her behavior, she sounds young or immature to me, that is in the way she approached a relationship with a man.

Any kind of addiction is a big red flag. Addicts prefer the addiction of choice to caring, loving and close relationships.

Take good care, :)

[serenity1]

Oh she's 28. Thanks for answers so far.

[Choux]

You know addicts are big liars, don't you. They have to cover up their activities revolving around their addiction. :)

Why don't you read up on addiction?

The main thing is not to get into any permanent kind of arrangement with this woman at the present time. :)

[hannah_nicole]

I don't really know how to advise this situation. Do you trust what she is telling you? It is fair to say an addict can recover, and (assumedly) she had no attachments to these guys in any way so would treat them differently to someone like you who she seems to enjoy the company of. Feel confident that she actually told you about this - your major worry should be that you would just be one of those guys whom she got her orgasm with and ditched. But your not -she is approaching this relationship differently>

[hannah_nicole]

To past ones - a good sign she is changing or already has changed. Try to give complete trust in all that she says until there is a REAL reason to doubt her. Like a mans t shirt left at her house with no good explanation. I feel for this girl - I think she truly is changing but her past bad decisions lead others to hold caution with her. Look you really like this girl and get along great with her.. Think how happy you could be if this "obstacle" wasn't in the way. Life is no fun when you stifle it to >

[hannah_nicole]

Remain constant and balanced. Go with it - tip the seesaw up and balance on the edge - and what will be will be. Enjoy lifes ups and downs because now is the time to be up. Don't throw that away.

[simoneaugie]

You are an analyzer. That's not a bad thing. Go to a couple of open Sex Addicts Anonymous meetings. Listen, feel and reflect. If someone admits to being addicted to sex does that make them a liar? NO WAY.

Someone who has had a lot of partners isn't automatically a cheater. There are two ways to approach this:
1. Trust no one until they prove themselves worthy of your trust.
2. Trust everyone to be the best person they can be at that moment.

The first choice is completely safe providing that you don't want to learn, grow, and experience life.

[Synnen]

You know addicts are big liars, don't you. They have to cover up their activities revolving around their addiction. :)

Why don't you read up on addiction?

The main thing is not to get into any permanent kind of arrangement with this woman at the present time. :)

Are you kidding?

He stated that the vast majority of her actions happened PRIOR to her last boyfriend--three YEARS ago.

I have a friend that is a recovering alcoholic. She's been sober for 2 years, but she is STILL a recovering alcoholic.

[Choux]

I'm an expert on alcoholics and dealing with them, and they are ALL big liars for the reason I stated above. :) All kinds of ADDICTS are liars.

If they are on a *12 Step Program* and *working toward recovery*, that is something different and has to be evaluated on an individual basis.

Try not to take my comments personally. :)

Best wishes,

[serenity1]

Thanks for everyone who answered.

I omitted in my original post that for whatever reason, I seem to be a magnet for extreme personalities. I have no idea why.
Because I come from a great family, values, and haven't made any huge mistakes in life.

One ex, ended up surprising everyone and turned out to be the sex addicted who messed around with anyone, mostly married guys. Finally, probably 4 months later in our relationship, she was up-front with me and told me her past and that she tried with me and couldn't be "normal".

I have had 2 other relationships in the past similar to that one.

So obviously, this current relationship brought up in my mind horror stories of things that have occurred before. Still, I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt but keep my eye open.

After she told me of her prior sex addiction 7 days ago, she became withdrawn. Our prior endless conversations about anything became shortened greatly. She sounds so frustrated and depressed. She's admitted she's been very depressed and doesn't know why.

This week, she's had 2 offdays. On her first offday, I was working out of town, and during the day, she began to leave sweet little messages on my voicemail and text message. Also wondering when I'd be available to talk on the phone because she coudlnt wait. I told her when I'd be back in my room at 6pm. When I tried to call, no answer. Texted and called back several hours later with no answer. Then at 10pm she called back and was very depressed sounding and didn't have much to say.

Then yesterday she was off, and so was I. so we planned to do something, since the next few weeks her offdays will be when I'm working. I picked her and daughter up and took to a movie, but she seemed very distant, different.

Our conversations are stunted, we don't talk as much. There's types of talk she doesn't want to discuss because it will make her feel sad. She's depressed. Her fun loving attitude is non-existent unless I spend a lot of time in cheering her up with fun conversation.

It's either manic/depressive, bipolar. Which explains sex addiction and positive extreme expressions at first, and now nothing. Or it's she didn't expect me to pursue this much at first and is overwhelmed. Or she's been messing around and feels bad. I'm not sure I know, and kind of tired about wondering about it.

So I'm at the point now of taking huge steps back. Not answering when she calls from work at night and when she ultimately gets off from work.