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anon_cherry · Oct 14, 2009, 01:31 PM

BACKGROUND: I've been in a long distance relationship with my boyfriend for almost 3 years. (We were set to move to the same city next summer.) A few weeks ago, I "cheated" on him but didn't tell him about it until last week. He was upset (obviously) and broke up with me. Since then he's received my calls but his words remain the same "it's over". He says he knows that I'm genuinely sorry and that I deeply care for him, but that he can't look at me the same.

I put "cheated" in quotes because we were technically broken up when I did what I did. He knows this but feels as though I cheated because, 1) in his eyes, we were merely broken up in the heat of the moment and were bound to reunite (he said "it was over" in an over-the-phone disagreement) and 2) because I encountered the other man too soon after the "breakup".

WHAT TO DO:
I'm at loss for how to move on... or whether to move on. I feel like our relationship was filled with a lot of love but that our recent trials/misunderstandings were the result of the long distance. I feel like had we just stuck it through next summer when we moved to the same city, that we would've been all right. I've shown him in so many ways that I'm sorry for what I did (to the point where he believes me), but I don't know how to erase the image from his head. I've been in the mindset of hoping that once his anger subsides, he will want to work this out for the fact that our love is genuine. The problem with that mindset is that he hasn't given me any indication to hope... other than the words "if I one day am able to look at you the same" and still holding onto a few pictures of us. Do I have any reason to hope? If the love he has for me is genuine, will he overcome this? What can I do to help?

I've also tried the mindset of telling myself it is really over, and it's just so hard. After a few days, I've brought myself to mail him his and our things and throw the rest away. I thought that by doing so, the breakup would really set in, but it hasn't. There's just that lingering feeling that a couple weeks or months from now, he'll forgive me and want to reconcile. If this breakup is really over, how do I get over it? How do I one day stop beating myself up and forgive myself when he can't? I've been through heartbreaks before, but nothing like this... nothing like where I feel I've not only lost my soulmate, but that I was the demise of our relationship.

Justwantfair · Oct 14, 2009, 02:37 PM

If it is so difficult to believe that the relationship is over, than it contradicts your situation completely.

You sleep with someone else because you believed the relationship was over.

Now that you have determined that he wasn't ending the relationship, you realize what happened was a mistake. (Although it was still a mistake to take the pain from your relationship and turn it into a random hook-up, that was bound to damage yourself esteem, not build it up.)

Now you have to deal with your emotions one at a time and the first is that he has told you how he feels, this is a situation that he can not handle. Start focusing on yourself in a healthy way. Read the stickies at the top of the Relationship forum and work on no contact. It is time to heal and work on the situation you can control. Yourself.

talaniman · Oct 14, 2009, 08:29 PM

When a guy keeps saying its over, then I would say there was no hope, and its time to move on.

I wish · Oct 15, 2009, 06:49 AM

You might feel like you hooked up with another guy while you were "broken up" with your boyfriend. But his reasons are very valid:

Originally Posted by anon_cherry

1) in his eyes, we were merely broken up in the heat of the moment and were bound to reunite (he said "it was over" in an over-the-phone disagreement) and 2) because I encountered the other man too soon after the "breakup".

It's not a court of law. There's no right or wrong. If that's how he feels, then you have to respect his feelings.

anon_cherry · Oct 15, 2009, 11:34 AM

Okay. I'm moving on. I've started no contact.

amicon · Oct 15, 2009, 11:48 AM

Its for the best.
Look after yourself.

anon_cherry · Oct 15, 2009, 11:56 AM

My boyfriend of 2 1/2 years broke up with me and I'm trying to move on. Fortunately, I did some of the things on the no contact thread before reading it:

* deleted and blocked his number
* blocked his emails
* removed him as a friend on FB
* mailed him his stuff and threw out the rest

The chances are he's not going to bother contacting me anyway; this is more about me trying not to contact him. I need some encouragement to not reach out to him anymore. :( Despite the things I did above, I was so so close to sending him an email today...

I've dealt with breakups before but this one is scary and different because 1) it was my longest, most love-filled, and most successful relationship and 2) I feel like I screwed it up in the end. It's going to take a while to regain my self-esteem (I'm working on it), but I could really use some day-to-day encouragement to not contact him. Does anyone want to hold me accountable? It's hard because part of me still thinks him and I can and will work it out. But thinking like that is detrimental.

Today I mailed the last of his stuff. This weekend I don't know what I'm going to do. My social buddies like to go out to clubs, but I don't want to go with them because I know it's not a good environment in this vulnerable time. My genuine friends are long distance and can only handle so much of me talking about this situation.

Depressed.:(

amicon · Oct 15, 2009, 12:10 PM

The first weeks are tough-would it be possible for you to go visit your best friend/s ?I agree the club scene might not be a good idea.
Whenever you feel like contacting him STOP yourself. Its difficult but no contact whatsoever is the best way to move on.
Any kind of contact brings confusion , overanalyzing and false hope.
Keep as busy as you can and keep posting here.

Justwantfair · Oct 15, 2009, 12:52 PM

You are at a great beginning, letting your head be in control of your emotions, that is the hardest part of a break up. You sound like you are being very strong.

Breakups are like a roller coaster ride, sometimes you are up and then you go crashing back down, without the elated feeling in between. But the roller coaster of emotions do get easier with time. Friends are important, finding things to entertain your mind are important, venting to others is important but they are all difficult when you can't focus on you.

Take your time, vent here anytime, there is always a listening ear and we have all been there. The strongest thing I did was read the through the relationship forum, you learn that you aren't alone in how you feel and you can read some great advice to get you through these times. There are some fabulous people on this website who volunteer their time with empathic hearts.