[cubcadet12]

Sorry for the long text, but I feel like any of these situations need a bunch of detail before anyone can help or offer suggestions.

I (26m) have been with my girlfriend (24f) since September of 2012. At that time I was only 2 months out of a pretty terrible breakup with my ex of 5 years. In that previous relationship we had a house together, not married, no kids or animals. That relationship ended because she found out that I was emotionally cheating on her with another girl who lived hundreds of miles that I had never met. This led my girlfriend of 5 years to start talking to and eventually being in a relationship with her co-worker which started 3 months before we broke up. I found out about it from a text of hers I saw, we tried to work it out, but eventually I got really mad about it and she broke up with me.

I spent the next weeks/months focusing on me... Although lonely I spend a lot more time with my friends, we went out a lot. I spent a lot of time and effort improving myself including my job situation and my looks/wardrobe. I became significantly much more of a man, and much less of someone who depends on their SO for fun and excitement. One thing I lacked though was being able to actually have fun alone. If you asked me at that time what I would do for fun if I had to be alone my answer would've been the gym. It became my happy place.

While my friends and I were going out I met a few girls, and the VERY FIRST one I met becomes my current girlfriend. We met at a bar, made out and began texting. It took an entire month of me asking her to get drinks with me before she finally agreed. (turns out she had just gotten out of college and a relationship and had written off guys for a year, after her rebound one night stand that is).

During the month there were a handful of girls, but I didn't sleep with any of them.Once my SO and I started seeing each other there were still a few girls, but again, I didn't sleep with any of them, but my SO didn't know about them.On my first date even marriage was ion the back of my mind, which seems to be a character flaw to me.

Within the first part of the relationship I did not intend at all for it to be a long term thing, I figured I would make it to Christmas and then she would dump me. That didn't happen, and in fact she fell in love with me. I wasn't expecting that, and wasn't really my outlook on the whole thing, but overall I did have a great time with her. Everything was more fun with her around so I went with it. I did have a few problems such as the number of sexual partners she's had is much higher than mine which I didn't like, and some of her ex's were still in her life, which I also didn't like.

Either way I was happily in a relationship when I switched jobs, got fired, and then got another job that was very miserable. She was there for me, and even invited me to move in with her when I was jobless, but all of it seemed a little reluctant. At one point she said, “I wish I could be doing more with my summer, but I feel like I have to be here for you.” Also during this time I heard, from her friend, that she was texting another guy, I confronted her, she lied about it and said it wasn't happening, then said they were just friends, and then it went away. They were probably just friends, but this still bothers me. Still even to this day she randomly will text her ex at places like a friend's wedding, which is very frustrating. Every time I bring it up she says it will stop, but it never does.

Over the past years I have had other girls that I text, which probably makes me paranoid that she's doing something similar. I know I'm wrong in doing this and have stopped recently.Recently I have been feeling emotionally disconnected. We live together and I see her every day, but it seems like she tells me she loves me only because she's used to doing it. It seems like she would rather sit on the couch on her phone or with the dog, rather than having any physical or emotional contact with me. I understand completely if work has been hard that week, and she's tired and wants to just relax or sleep, but there seems to be a lack of emotional contact between us.

I also feel like I'm a bit emotionally abused, because she hates where I come from, hates the schools I went to, hates the community I grew up in and never fails to mention that any time I talk about… anything really. Also I realize this isn't really a masculine thing to think, but If I get dressed to go out with her, or with friends she never says anything nice, or stays silent (which I would prefer at this point), but she always picks something the tear me down with.

The sex, which was great in the beginning (probably because I rarely had any with my ex) has become a little lack luster. I don't feel a strong connection to her during or after, and after she pulls away and rolls to the other side of the bed without saying anything. With the exception of quickies I like sex to be fun, exciting, and a little silly, but she sees it as her chance to have an orgasm, then make me have an orgasm and then bed. And the kicker, which I've forgiven for a long time is that she is too ticklish for me to give her oral, or finger her, and of course giving oral is my favorite thing to do in bed. I truly like to take my time, tease, and make them have the best orgasm they can, but none of that is valued by her it seems like.

Living together is stressful at times, as it has been with any roommate I've had, but what kills me is when something small happens, like a knife is left in the sink, she treats it like it's the end of our relationship and the world. IN fact our living situation may complicate things, we rent an apartment together, own a cat, and foster (she does) a service dog. As you may have guessed I love the dog more than anything…. But he'll have to go back to the organization that trains them eventually.



Why do I always fall back into emotional cheating?
Early on in my dating life I realized talking to girls and potential girlfriends became easier and less stressful if I had another girl to talk to. Once I got into my 5 year relationship I also found this to be the case.

[Oliver2011]

Wow that was long but I made it through.

You two have grown apart and it feels like from what I read you are staying together because of the convenience of doing so. Your partner needs to share the same goals and dreams of the relationship and that’s not the case here. It doesn’t sound like you like her that much. Are you ready for being alone again? It sounds like you handled it well last time. Going out with friends, exercising, and just about any activity is good during that time. Realize though just as you have a list, she probably has a list too. Would you let her read what you wrote?

[joypulv]

Why? I'd say mainly because you are still not really 26. Not really into that phase of life where romance is second to those major events like career, marriage, kids, and a house. It doesn't help that you got into a committed 5 year relationship at 18 (according to my calculations) instead of 'life path' sorts of things first.

'Emotional cheating' as you call it is part of youth, and in many ways it's normal and even healthy. It gives you a chance to find out about all sorts of other people, as well as yourself, because a lot is changing in you. It's why parents groan when teens start going steady (that and worrying about sex) and why going out in groups and not getting too serious is the time-honored way of growing into adulthood.

Losing your job and moving in with her is a biggie, I'll bet. You are dwelling much too much on how she treats you, and how you react. It's almost boring, except that you are a pretty good writer, and have some insight. I just think that you are missing the big picture - WHERE IS YOUR LIFE GOING? Your own life. And I'm not talking about the gym.

I'm not going to answer your title question. A ton of what you wrote is irrelevant except to show what you think is important. It clouds the issue and is for you to answer anyway. Here's my questions to you: What are you going to do for work NOW? Why did you get fired? Are you still at the miserable job? Can anyone have a good relationship while all that is going on?

[cubcadet12]

Are you ready for being alone again? It sounds like you handled it well last time.

Honestly the idea of being single scares me to death. I imagine single life as dark and rainy and incredibly lonely in my mind.

Realize though just as you have a list, she probably has a list too. Would you let her read what you wrote?

I probabaly would not let her read what I wrote to be honest. There's a bunch there that she doesn't know, in fact I've lied to her a bunch about my past and stuff like that

[cubcadet12]

I'm a little confused why romance would ever move to second priority? I mean obviously things like kids and jobs might get in the way but shouldn't maintaining romance with a spouse be the number one priority? Just a thought

What are you going to do for work NOW? Why did you get fired? Are you still at the miserable job? Can anyone have a good relationship while all that is going on?

I am not a project manager at a very good company. On the side I am starting a business of my own. I actually love my job, and starting my own company as stressful as it is is great fun.
I got fired because it was not the right position for me, I'm an engineer and I was in charge of telling people to move desks around, not my cup of tea so I didn't give it my 100% or even 25% so I filled in my time at work with other things.

I believe I could have a good relationship now. One leading to marriage? I don't know.

I know I can't expect anyone to answer the question for me. That's purely my question to answer. I am here for insight, advice and opinions from people who have no attachment to me or my girlfriend.

[Oliver2011]

When I was single I loved being single. When I met my soul mate (hate that term) who I married I love being married. Fearing being single is not a reason to stay in a relationship that isn’t working. You either need to fix it, which will take an effort on both of your parts, or not fix it and leave it. You might fear being single because you are putting unrealistic expectations on yourself. There’s no law that says you have to be in a relationship every day of your life. And there is a recovery time when you break out of a long term relationship. So lower the expectations and allow that healing time.

You do sound like you have yourself together and will make the right decision for both of you. The only other advice I would give that I always give is don’t go too fast in your next relationship. Speed kills, and it kills relationships. Get to know the person inside and out. I didn’t let my partner move into my place for 3 or 4 years. If someone is going to be sharing my life I was darn sure it was going to be the right someone.

Honestly the idea of being single scares me to death. I imagine single life as dark and rainy and incredibly lonely in my mind.


I probabaly would not let her read what I wrote to be honest. There's a bunch there that she doesn't know, in fact I've lied to her a bunch about my past and stuff like that

[CravenMorhead]

I don't think you healed from your initial breakup. I think you rebounded on the woman you're living now and it has just been going on. You've detailed all the reasons that you want to break up with her. Your behaviour towards your emotional connection with her. I will talk more about this a little later on.

First off, her partner count is none of your concern because it has no meaning. The number of partners doesn't mean she a s**t or w***e or gives it up for a meal and movie, it means that she's a modern person in this modern world that is sexually liberated. Is it a pride thing? She's got more experience? I have been with women who's number was much larger then mine, much lower then mine, and about the same level as me. Do you know what I found? Nothing. There was to causal link between the number of previous partners and their ability or sexual life.

Second, the exes still being in their lives. It happens. If you trust the woman then this isn't an issue. If you don't trust the woman then it will be a big issue. The salient fact is that She's not with them anymore. They've been weighed, judged, and found wanting. So, they might be in her life, but they're friends. You're not a person to dictate who your Partner's friends are. That is controlling and abusive.

Next you weren't interested nor were invested in this relationship. You never found it real, and you never emotionally committed to it. You were expecting a quick fling or a short affair, but got a long term relationship. You went along with it because it was better then being alone. This is a destructive attitude because it isn't healthy. You'll stay and stick with something mediocre, all the while it is damaging to both you and her. It isn't surprising that you started looking. Though I will point out that it is a bit hypocritical that you ragged on her for the same thing, or you're paranoid that she is. You can't handle that she is as divested in you as you are in her.

I think you're roomates with benefits at this point. You don't like her, you've made that obvious, and she seems to not care for you either. You're together because you don't want to be alone. That is the key here. Which is why the answer to the situation that you've presented to me is yes, it is time to move on. The relationship is over, neither of you are willing to admit it yet. It is time to go your separate ways and work on you and yourself. You need to be comfortable as yourself and be able to define you as you. You're defining yourself as someone who is in a relationship. As part of something and not as a whole unto yourself.

My two bits.

[joypulv]

I wrote shorthand about romance. Trite as it sounds, 'romance fades' - but really, it just has to morph into something else, with bits of the old romance here and there. Ideally that morph is LOVE, shared experiences, compromise, some sacrifices for each other, little and big forgivings, caring so much about each other that you will give up some things you want to make room for some you don't, hopefully equally. It becomes intimately entangled in things like home purchases, decisions to have kids, where to live, what to save, what to buy. Those who can't move past shallow but exciting romance are doomed to perpetual 'emotional cheating.'

[Oliver2011]

Wow Joy. That makes you think.

I wrote shorthand about romance. Trite as it sounds, 'romance fades' - bzut really, it just has to morph into something else, with bits of the old romance here and there. Ideally that morph is LOVE, shared experiences, compromise, some sacrifices for each other, little and big forgivings, caring so much about each other that you will give up some things you want to make room for some you don't, hopefully equally. It becomes intimately entangled in things like home purchases, decisions to have kids, where to live, what to save, what to buy. Those who can't move past shallow but exciting romance are doomed to perpetual 'emotional cheating.'

[talaniman]

Fun and romance are great for just dates and dating but relationships and living together REQUIRES honest communications and deep commitments to each other.

You have neither, just excuses why you are not happy, and a fear of being alone. Until you can share and express those things with your partner, and work together to resolve whatever issues there are, then you get nothing from this relationship that helps either of you except a roof over your head, and a dog.

If you cannot share and care and commit, then yes, face your fears and move along without her. Talk about it with her. There is nothing more romantic to me than a couple working together to resolve any issue they have and keep moving forward. Somaybe what you need is an honest inventory of this relationship, because while you keep pointing to the negatives, is there anything positive to give you a reason to stay besides keeping you from being alone?

If not you should have been gone. You can be scared and insecure by yourself can't you? Exactly how long have you been with this woman? Sorry guy, you don't sound like you're in it to win it, because you can't talk about it together.

[cubcadet12]

I talked to her about this Monday, as it turns out we started fighting again because she thinks I'm being mean... What I realized is that I have a VERY hard time communicating with her because I don't ever really know what to say. I'm not sure if I'm trying to filter what's going on in my head to make it nicer, or to not hurt her. The entire conversation she cried and I sat there stone-faced.

I can attribute the "being mean" to my recent attempted increase in self autonomy. I've realized I do this in every relationship. I start to listen to her type of music, I want to do what she wants to do, I tell my friends I'm unavailable to hang out a lot just so I can sit on the couch while she ignores me, I've even sacrificed time in the gym, I know it may not hold any substance to some, but it's my happy place. Recently I've been telling her no if I didn't want to do something, going out with my friends if I wanted to, sitting on the couch with her, or going out with her when I wanted to. More or less I've been doing what I wanted to do.The idea of moving away from something that's comfortable is disturbing as it always is, so of course the idea of breaking up with her hurts and I think I'm holding on to the dog, apartment lease, and future plans as a reason not to do it.

@joypulv, I think that little blurb about what romance fades into has impacted me greatly. I feel like I have a much better Idea of what I want with my life moving forward. I've come back to read it 20 or so times in the last 2 days.

@talaniman, honestly I think the only reason to stay is the sex, which I can find anywhere, and I'm sure will be much better. I've been with her about about 2.5 years.

I keep thinking back to the day when we had an argument about 7 months in where she said I wasn't completely in it, and something in my head told me, "just reassure her so she'll stop crying". I'm mad at myself for not telling her the truth, turns out it was more mean than anything else.

[DoulaLC]

So did your recent talk with her result in the decision to end the relationship... or a repeat of prior disagreements/fights? You need resolution.You know what you want to do, so now you follow through. She has already been primed for the eventuality with your discussion Monday.

Expressing your feelings/thoughts is not being mean... doing so in a rude or hostile manner would be.

You now have your out as she has been made aware of your feelings. Your perpetual emotional cheating is a sure sign that you aren't ready to be in a serious relationship, or at least that you haven't met someone that you truly want to build a mature and healthy relationship with.


Nothing wrong with either of those... that's part of what dating is for. The unfortunate part is that you jumped to setting up house when you knew in your heart that you weren't at that point. No need to move so fast; you can be fine on your own and still spend plenty of time with someone as you get to know them.


Enjoy moving on and getting to know yourself better. Take what you've learned from these relationships and figure out the pros and cons, what you will look for, including red flags early on, and how you might handle things differently in the next relationship that you find yourself in.

[cubcadet12]

You're right. No resolution came out of that discussion on Monday. IN fact I am starting to doubt myself and thinking that maybe I am giving up on something great.

I keep wondering if it might be because of a different girl I met last weekend, but in reality meeting someone else made me realize how good it feels to be free.

Moving forward I definitely have a much better idea of what I want, I even found a list of what I want in a girl from my last breakup. The big thing I noticed that is not on the list is how I feel. I still have no idea what unconditional love feels like. I don't understand what it would feel like to have someone that makes me feel fulfilled and inspired, or to have someone that I would happily give my life for.

I will take everyone's advice and go much slower next time. Getting to know someone completely and separating the obsession/lust from actual feelings of completion.

I've noticed, with both my long relationships, even in the latter years I would do something for her just to get laid, not to make her happy, not to make her smile (that's what I told her often).

I am taking some time away from her this weekend to see how I am without her, and I'm out of town for work a bunch this month.

Question for people who are in a happy relationship. When you go out of town for work or vacation and come back to your SO, what is your general feeling?

[Oliver2011]

“I am taking some time away from her this weekend to see how I am without her”

What approach is this? I don't know if that is a good approach because if you don't like being alone she may fulfill you not wanting to be alone without fulfilling you completely. If that makes sense. It sounded better in my head just prior to typing it.

“Question for people who are in a happy relationship. When you go out of town for work or vacation and come back to your SO, what is your general feeling?”

I work with my SO as well as live with. When you have met the perfect partner it's okay for them to go out of town because you know they are coming back to you. When my SO comes back from travel or I do, it's awesome, and perfect, and exactly where I want to be at that moment. The choice of spending your life with someone is a huge decision. Don't settle for someone that keeps you from being lonely. Find that person that makes you complete and compliments you while you compliment her.

[cubcadet12]

I'm actually going out of town to visit my sister at school and taking a friend with me... I won't be alone. You're right that would be too much to deal with.

[talaniman]

You would be a much happier fellow if you dealt with YOUR insecurity and anger issues because clearly they are affecting your current relationship in negative ways. I don't think this is as much about your partner, as it is about your own emotional spiritual health.

To be blunt, how can you be in a relationship with anyone when the relationship with yourself is such an absolute mess?

[cubcadet12]

@talaniman, I agree completely. I need to fix my insecurities for sure. I also agree that it is more about me than it is my partner, but does that mean she's the right person to stay with?

Can I not fix myself while living with someone else?

Am I throwing something away with this girl that's amazing just because I don't love myself?

[talaniman]

Until you fix yourself you will never know the answers to those questions. How can you? Can you really decide if the next victim will be better than the last? I mean for all the issues you both have, has it occurred to you to be grateful to the person who puts up with your crap?

A change of attitude would change your perspective of your whole world and the people in it. I mean geeeeeeez, would more or better sex make life better? Sure it would but instead of pouting and resenting her, lock the bathroom door (or closet... whatever your preference!).

You need an honest self inventory, or counseling to show you how to make positive decisions, and changes for yourself....BASED ON FACTS AND NOT JUST FEELINGS.