[nonnie3527]

Basically, I'm in need of some help as I'm seriously starting to worry that my insecurities may ruin/have already partly ruined the relationship with my lovely boyfriend.

We see each other every day and have been together for 10 months. Even though we see a lot of each other we still manage to have a laugh and long meaningful conversations every day. But because we have become so close from living with each other and we find it easy to open up to one another - I think he has seen how bad my insecurities really are. The majority of the time, us being together feels perfect. He calls me a lot, watches films with me, gives me cuddles and kisses and is never secretive. He is completely open about his life and so am I with him. I have been through a very bad patch recently, and I'm not going to be in denial about how I have been. I have come to rely on him a lot, even though I still have lots of hobbies and interests, but a lot of my happiness relies on him. I know this is wrong. I have said this to him before and he says that I should rely on him to some extent, because he wants to make me happy. For about 6 months now I have been job searching and waiting for a new college course to start, so have been going out of my mind with boredom, which has caused me to become even more emotional. He has seen me when I've been needy, emotional, sensitive and I do take to heart some of the things he does or doesn't do.

I can't help but feel that the past 6 months have rubbed off on him and that he has gone off me a bit. There is no huge change, but I'm worried that these insecurities of mine have left a permanent scar in his mind. I have started college now and feel a lot happier that I am doing something productive, and I have been back to the bubbly, positive person that I know he loves, but I'm worried some of his feelings have changed because he's seen me be insecure, and that it's too late to go back to where we are. I know relationships change through time - and I'm not scared of that, just as long as we are still happy.
For example, I'm not going to lie, he doesn't seem to want to do a lot of the things with me he used to. We still go for walks and watch films together but the reason we started living together was because we used to have such an amazing time when he stayed over, constantly talking for hours, all night, playing on the playstation, surfing the internet and YouTube together, watching our favourite comedians, playing silly yet fun little things together like risk and chess. I guess you could say that was our honeymoon stage, but occasionally I suggest doing one or two of these things again, and he never wants to. This is the routine we go through most nights now: I meet him from work, we talk loads, take a walk, come home, eat, then he plays his computer games and I do my things like art, reading, photography that sort of thing. Then at around 1 or 2am he suggests watching a film together. Loads of our arguments start because I suggest to him maybe doing something together - but he says he has been at work all day and just wants to relax and play his games because they help him relax - I then say well can't we relax together and he just sighs as in "Oh here we go" and says he needs his own personal space to do his own things for a bit. I accept this - and I always make sure he has hours and hours of game time - but sometimes I say to him why can't we do something a little different tonight, instead of watching a film later. He says that he gets bored of a lot of things, such as the games like playstation and risk and chess, because he has played them so many times in his life and finds them boring. I can see why, but I just thought it would be nice to share some quality time together. I suppose we need new hobbies to do together? He has suggested that soon we will start going to tennis together maybe, and I agreed, but he just only ever seems interested in his games.
Also, the past week or so our sex life has taken a funny turn, he usually suggests sex a lot or I suggest it and he agrees, I never try to be needy for sex because I know how unattractive it is. But I have suggested the past few days but he's just said "No honey sorry" or "Not at the moment" or "My asthma's playing up at the moment" or "I don't feel to good at the moment". There's been a lot of stress going on with my family the past week which isn't a big deal by the way, just something to do with one of our pets, so it could be that, but I don't know. I spoke to him and said I find it odd because I would have thought at his age he would be enjoying sex a lot (he's 22), but he said that as he's got older he hasn't wanted it as much. Perhaps he's just had a stressful week because previous weeks it's been happening a few times a week, and it's still amazing when it does happen, I just don't understand. Am I being paranoid? (again.. )? I'm just scared my insecurities have caused him to go off me a little bit, I need advice, should I just chill out and relax and be positive around him and wait until he comes to me?

[talaniman]

I think you need to back up, and relax, and know its okay not to be in a mood for sex, nor want to do things together. Its called ME time, and everyone needs it. Even you!

No need to even take it personally, which is exactly what your doing now. Just give him some space to handle his own needs and not always expect him to make you happy. Learn to make yourself happy, and more independent.

[nonnie3527]

Yeah you're right, thanks. I think the realization is I just need to improve the part of my life which doesn't include him - because then he will see me as an independent woman again and he will look forward to spending time with me again. I have clung to him a bit because I was cheated on in a past relationship - but I know if I push the rest of my life away it will only cause what I fear happening. I know it's not his fault for what past boyfriends have done. I'm just going to let him be, but concentrate on getting MY life back, and do more doing instead of thinking. Thanks for helping me.

[talaniman]

Glad I could help, and hope you unpack your past baggage, and enjoy the present. I am sure you will.