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Bonita-- · Dec 31, 2008, 02:19 PM

My boyfriend and I have been fighting a lot recently, and pretty much every fight we have has to do with his past or me not being able to trust him. I'll explain the situation, sorry if it's long but it's kind of complicated.

I have been with my boyfriend for nine months. We were bestfriends for years before we started dating. Before we got together I was in another relationship with my ex for just over two years. I met my ex when I was 16, and for the next two years of my life he put me through hell. When I first got with my ex I wasn't the jealous type. I never wanted to go through his phone, email, text messages or anything. I trusted him to go out to clubs or parties without me because I wasn't an insecure person. After nine months I found out that he cheated on me by receiving oral sex from another girl. I was devastated to find out about this because I trusted him and he took advantage of it. I was young and thought I was in love, so I decided to take him back and try to work things out. The next year of my life was literally hell. I wanted to know everything about him cheating such as the location, the day, how the girl looked, what was her name, her age every single detail. It drove me crazy thinking about it, it was like I was obsessed with it. After that I told him I would only stay with him if he didn't go to any clubs or parties without me, he deleted all the girls from his cellphone, he gave me the password to his email, he wasn't allowed to miss any of my phone calls and many other things. As you can tell, I started becoming very insecure. I started wanting to know everything about his past, something I never bothered to ask about before. I asked about his ex-girlfriend, I asked about the sex they had together, what else had he done with other girls etc. I became VERY insecure. I cried every single day because I was scared that he was cheating. I couldn't even handle him going to the store because I thought that he was going to cheat. After a year of putting myself tthrough this I finally had enough and I left him. About one-two months after we broke up I started dating my current boyfriend. I know now that it wasn't long enough, I needed more time to get over my insecurities. About 6 months after I left my ex I discovered that he was cheating on me with several other girls throughout our entire relationship. I suspected it all along but I found out for sure that he was in fact cheating. It hurt me to find out about it but at the sametime it didn't because I don't care for him anymore. However, it made me feel even more insecure.

My current boyfriend has never done anything to hurt me. He's never lied, he's never hidden anything from me, he's never done anything to make me not trust him but because of my insecurities, I can't. One of the problems is that when I was just friends with my boyfriend I used to talk to his ex-girlfriends. They used to tell me about the sex they had with him and at the time it never bothered me but now it kills me. I can't just accept it. I didn't even realize how insecure I was until my boyfriend and I sat down and really talked about why we fight so much. Every fight we have is because I bring up something from his past or because I can't trust him. We have been close for years and he's always been there for me. Hes never done anything bad to me and now I'm scared that my insecurities are going to ruin our relationship. How can I get over this? And how can he help me? I was cheated on and lied to for so long and now I've brought the problems from my previous relationship over to my current one. I really want to learn to get over this and how to trust my boyfriend but I have no idea where to start.

ZoeMarie · Dec 31, 2008, 02:29 PM

It sounds to me like some counseling would help you out tremendously. For the time being, tell your boyfriend you're sorry and to bear with you, that you want to get help.

I know what it's like to be cheated on and lied to, but I also didn't take it personally (why? I have no idea) but I know that not everyone is the same and there are a lot of good people out there. If your current boyfriend is putting up with this, I would guess he's one of them. Hang in there, but see if there's someone you could talk to about your insecurities other than your boyfriend, because that will get old quick. Sounds like it might have already. You'll get through this.

debdoes · Dec 31, 2008, 02:30 PM

Good question! I would like to know how to get over those insecurities as well. Although I never would check up on my ex or read his emails, or look through his phone, I was constantly worried that he would cheat on me or find another girl and leave me. My ex before him cheated on me and I brought it into my last relationship, and basically ruined it. I'm single now, he wants nothing to do with me and really it all came down to was me not trusting him. And I had no reason not to, won't do that again!

Bonita-- · Dec 31, 2008, 02:49 PM

Originally Posted by ZoeMarie

it sounds to me like some counseling would help you out tremendously. for the time being, tell your boyfriend you're sorry and to bear with you, that you want to get help.

I know what it's like to be cheated on and lied to, but I also didn't take it personally (why? I have no idea) but I know that not everyone is the same and there are a lot of good people out there. If your current boyfriend is putting up with this, I would guess he's one of them. hang in there, but see if there's someone you could talk to about your insecurities other than your boyfriend, because that will get old quick. sounds like it might have already. you'll get through this.

Thank you for your advice. I would love to get counseling but I'm currently a student and I don't have a lot of money. I don't have any close friends that I can talk to either. But you're right, I need someone to talk to other then my boyfriend, I just need to find someone who I can talk to.

ZoeMarie · Dec 31, 2008, 02:50 PM

Is there anyone at your school? No counselors there? Maybe you're in college but when I was in high school there was a counselor there that I would sometimes talk to. It helped a lot.

ja77 · Dec 31, 2008, 02:54 PM

Originally Posted by Bonita--

Thank you for your advice. I would love to get councelling but I'm currently a student and I don't have a lot of money. I don't have any close friends that I can talk to either. But you're right, I need someone to talk to other then my boyfriend, I just need to find someone who I can talk to.

Bonita it is good to see that you can see the issues that you need to address, my advise would be to visit your local doctors and seek some counseling, I'm sure that they could point you in the correct direction if you explian your situation regards being a student they should be able to help still.

NItEMArE129 · Dec 31, 2008, 03:00 PM

Have you ever tried meditating? It's a wonderful stress reliever and I use it a lot ^^. When you start getting too worried that he's cheating again, try to calm down before it gets too big. You have to think about the other times u felt the same way and how those turned out WITH YOUR CURRENT BOYFRIEND!! If you keep thinking back to your ex, you're going to think that your current boyfriend will be like him. But if you only worry about how your current treated you before when you felt the same way, then you need to be able to use that to realize that chances are, he's not cheating or doing anything to hurt u.

Bonita-- · Dec 31, 2008, 03:06 PM

Originally Posted by ZoeMarie

is there anyone at your school? No counselors there? Maybe you're in college but when I was in high school there was a counselor there that I would sometimes talk to. It helped a lot.

Yes I'm in college. I don't actually start college until January, so I don't know if there are any counselors, but I will look into it.

Bonita it is good to see that you can see the issues that you need to address, my advise would be to visit your local doctors and seek some counseling, I'm sure that they could point you in the correct direction if you explian your situation regards being a student they should be able to help still.

That's a good idea. I don't like my doctor though, I'm in the process of trying to find a new one. Once I find a new one I can talk to them about it.

Bonita-- · Dec 31, 2008, 03:13 PM

Originally Posted by NItEMArE129

Have you ever tried meditating? It's a wonderful stress reliever and I use it a lot ^^. When you start getting too worried that he's cheating again, try to calm down before it gets too big. You have to think about the other times u felt the exact same way and how those turned out WITH YOUR CURRENT BOYFRIEND!!!! If you keep thinking back to your ex, you're going to think that your current boyfriend will be like him. But if you only worry about how your current treated you before when you felt the same way, then you need to be able to use that to realize that chances are, he's not cheating or doing anything to hurt u.

Nope, I've never tried that before. I actually don't worry that he's cheating on me, I just think about his past and his ex-girlfriends I and start to feel bad. I have trouble accepting that he's had sex with them before me and a lot of that has to do with the fact that when we were friends his ex's would tell me about the sex, and now I can't get over it. I have trouble trusting him, but it's when it comes to his past. I think he hides things from his past. I really don't believe that he is hiding anything but something inside me makes me convince myself that he is hiding something because I'm too scared to trust him.

liz28 · Dec 31, 2008, 03:47 PM

I understand the hurt and betrayal you feel from your ex and his cheating, I been there and lived part of your story in the past.

However, you must realize every guy isn't the same. Before you enter a new relationship you've to let go the old baggage and if everything keep your guard up otherwise you can lose the one your with over your past.

Your ex was just a dog but again all guys aren't dogs. The relationship you had with him was unhealthy and I am glad you remove yourself from it. Now you have to work on yourself in order to let another guy in your heart because he broke you down.

Counseling is a good idea and there are free clinics out there. You can Google some in your area.

I'll come back and comment further because I've to go now because my baby just woke up. I'll be back.

liz28 · Dec 31, 2008, 04:12 PM

False alarm.

What you need to do is first open up to your new boyfriend and let him know about your pain and ask him to be understanding and supportive.Tell him how much your ex’s betrayal has left you scarred and let him know that even though you don’t want to you may be putting up a wall between you and him in an effort to keep those old wounds closed.

Secondly, remind yourself at all times that your new boyfriend isn't your ex. And that until he proves you wrong you need to trust him because he isn't your ex and deserves a chance.

Once you’ve faced the pain of your past you can move on. It will take work and you’re likely to falter at times but in the end you can get better and learn to trust again.

Also, maybe you did jump into a relationship too fast without healing from the last. However, I think your insecurites would've still been drill in you regardless on how long you waited so the only thing you can do ks work on them and it's good that you recongize them because most people don't. Being that your boyfriend was your best friend before the two of you enter into a relationship he should be understanding because I am pretty sure he know about your insecurites.

talaniman · Dec 31, 2008, 05:03 PM

Takes time for you to learn to cope with your feelings, but you can control your actions, and just don't act on the feelings.

One thing you can do is to plan ahead, what you will do to when you have those feelings. Let say you get to thinking of his ex, your ex, whatever, have a preplanned set of activities to change your focus, such as clean the mirrors, or sweep under the bed, or something to change your focus, and kill the impulsive actions those feelings bring.

If nothing else you'll have some clean mirrors, or a mighty tidy bedroom.

ThatGuy2 · Dec 31, 2008, 06:12 PM

The past is just that, the past. Not much you can do but accept it. You can let it linger in your head or you can accept reality. Just remember that your boyfriend is with you now because he loves you. Make sure you communicate with him and don't just dump him out of the blue. He deserves more than that. There should be subsidized counseling available to you since your in school. (maybe free) Start with that.

Bonita-- · Jan 1, 2009, 04:09 AM

Originally Posted by liz28

False alarm.

What you need to do is first open up to your new boyfriend and let him know about your pain and ask him to be understanding and supportive.Tell him how much your ex’s betrayal has left you scarred and let him know that even though you don’t want to you may be putting up a wall between you and him in an effort to keep those old wounds closed.

Secondly, remind yourself at all times that your new boyfriend isn't your ex. And that until he proves you wrong you need to trust him because he isn't your ex and deserves a chance.

Once you’ve faced the pain of your past you can move on. It will take work and you’re likely to falter at times but in the end you can get better and learn to trust again.

Also, maybe you did jump into a relationship too fast without healing from the last. However, I think your insecurites would've still been drill in you regardless on how long you waited so the only thing you can do ks work on them and it's good that you recongize them because most people don't. Being that your boyfriend was your best friend before the two of you enter into a relationship he should be understanding because I am pretty sure he know about your insecurites.

Thank you for your advice. Something you said really got me thinking. "Once you’ve faced the pain of your past you can move on". I have never really dealt with the pain that he put me through. When we broke up that was it, I moved on almost right away. I think I need time to get over what happened because I never really did. And yes my boyfriend is very understanding. He wants to know how he can help me but I don't know what to tell him. You see my insecurities are coming from two different things. One of which is what I went through with my ex, and the other is because of what I heard from his ex-girlfriends. They used to tell me about the sex they had with him and now I have those thoughts stuck in my head and I can't seem to get over it. I think if I wasn't so insecure then it wouldn't bother me as much as it does, but I don't know how to stop being so insecure. I'm assuming that's what makes me unable to accept his past, because of the fact that I'm so insecure.

Bonita-- · Jan 1, 2009, 04:24 AM

Originally Posted by talaniman

Takes time for you to learn to cope with your feelings, but you can control your actions, and just don't act on the feelings.

One thing you can do is to plan ahead, what you will do to when you have those feelings. Let say you get to thinking of his ex, your ex, whatever, have a preplanned set of activities to change your focus, such as clean the mirrors, or sweep under the bed, or something to change your focus, and kill the impulsive actions those feelings bring.

If nothing else you'll have some clean mirrors, or a mighty tidy bedroom.

Haha, that would make my dad very happy. I can try doing that the next time though. I really want to learn how to get over this and I'll do whatever it takes.

a la king · Jan 1, 2009, 04:26 AM

Forgive me... I quickly scanned some of these posts. Did you say you current bf's exes talk to you about when they had sex with him?

Bonita-- · Jan 1, 2009, 04:44 AM

Originally Posted by a la king

Forgive me... i quickly scanned some of these posts. Did you say you current bf's exes talk to you about when they had sex with him?

They used to, back when we were just friends and he was dating them. This was years ago but the things they said are still stuck inside my head.

vexation · Jan 1, 2009, 04:45 AM

Hello Bonita,
At your age I guess to be around 20 yrs life and relationships should be a adventure. There will be good times and bad times and you will meet all types of people good bad and the ugly. My advise to you is to focus on who you are and come to a better understanding of the bigger picture of life with you in the centre.
You state that you have no friends so this is a area you shoud and must develop. You are far to concerned other having a single boyfreind ( or freind)
Go out and make a group of friends for yourself both boys and girls -- look at the big picture and focus more on College and develpoing more friends you will learn that our situation is not uncommon
Life is a learning process
Trust in yourself taste all that life has to offer.

Bonita-- · Jan 1, 2009, 04:48 AM

Originally Posted by ThatGuy2

The past is just that, the past. Not much you can do but accept it. You can let it linger in your head or you can accept reality. Just remember that your boyfriend is with you now because he loves you. Make sure you communicate with him and don't just dump him out of the blue. He deserves more than that. There should be subsidized counseling available to you since your in school. (maybe free) Start with that.

I wish it were that easy to just accept it. I used to be able to accept things for how they are, but I can't anymore. I guess that's another thing I'm trying to fix. I would never leave him though. I have too much respect for him to just leave him.

talaniman · Jan 1, 2009, 07:42 AM

Vexation has a very good suggestion, as building a life that you enjoy with friends, and activities that make you happy, is a sure confidence, and self esteem builder.

Ever notice that truly happy people who loves themselves, and treat themselves well, have no time for insecurities or memories of the past as they cope from a position of confidence, because they look forward, not back.

Full makeover any one?