[Matteus]

Hi everybody.

Here I'm back again, after some more drama in my life. Its like I can't help myself, but always find myself in difficult situations.
I was married for a short time (kind of 8-9 months) with a girl from another country, and we used to live in my country. I'm not going to speak about my marriage, because, for the truth's sake, it wasn't a marriage, was more like a dictatorship (lots of jealousy, insecurity, untrust, lies, and ending with an emotional cheating from her side). Although I loved her, there was more stress for me than love, sometimes I even stayed later at work, because I hated going home, as I knew there will probably be interrogations, or unreasonable fights. I didn't wanted to leave her, although I was asking myself, is this what a marriage should be like, and on the other side, I didn't wanted to be the one who dumped her, cause she was alone here, and that could bring a lot of problems after. Like 3 months ago, I found out that my "bored", immature, lazy, useless, jobless wife was having an emotional affair with some dude from other country through poker chat on Facebook (for conversation's sake I have to admit she never did anything else, except staying home all day, and playing online poker). My instincts told me something is wrong, but she never admitted anything. After I found out, my first reaction was to leave her just like that, and file for divorce (for which I don't regret), because I was more devastated from her lies than anything else. So I told her what I know, the next day after she left for her country (she even made a story about that, like her mother was having problems, and she needed urgently to be there, which was a way to escape)(we are from different countries, like 7500km away from each other), and that I want a divorce. She was pissed off (probably saying to herself "this is what i wanted too"), and said fine! I had a feeling in that time that she was pregnant with my child, as all the sings were there, so I sent her a message that she better abort the child, because I never wanted a future like that for us, for our family, and for that child, if there is any, and that I knew that that child's future will be damn hard with a father 7500km far away. She is grown without a father since she was 16, and she knows exactly what it means. After that, she told me that I proved to her that I don't love her. Bull. Bull when I and my parents did everything to make her feel home, loved, and was there for her every afternoon, and wanted to do things with her, but she always had to complain about anything, and I mean, even if you feel like doing something, you feel like they will not value it, so you better don't do it). Well, to keep it short, I tried to speak to her, during the first month and the second, after our separation, and in the meantime, I knew she and her so-called lover never stopped speaking to each other, so I said to myself, fine, that's what she wants, that's what she gets. So I told her I'm going for divorce, and she sent me her address. Nowadays, I don't want to have to do anything with her, she has lost any positive values in my eyes, and that love I had, is vanished. Its like I was in hell and just came back from it, and now I'm explaining anyone how hell looks like. What makes it more disgusting, is the fact that her mother created a "passionate" relationship with the brother of her daughter's boyfriend. I mean, come on, what's enough is enough. These two women or are stupid enough and have no moral at all, or they are users who want to leave their country no matter what, and try to find people wherever possible, and possibly with money!! I feel completely free in a way, because I knew my future wouldn't be that bright. Well, unfortunately, I found out, from her mails sent to her "lover" (they NEVER met personally!! ), that, she is pregnant from 6 months. About 6 months ago, we tried for another child, as the first pregnancy was a miscarriage. I was totally shocked, because, the child 99% could be mine (she didn't had any other physical contact with anyone else, except me, during the last year). The thing that puts me down is, I wanted this child, we both wanted it, we planned it (although she admits to her "lover", who out of fear or hurt, or I don't know what else, what's to dump her, or at least it looks like that, because they don't speak to each other anymore, that the child was unplanned and unexpected, which is completely a bull, because she loved to have a child, no matter what), and she even says if she could abort it, she would, but now is too late. A mother who denies her child because of her new lover, scares me to death!! It was a marriage, and not some bull. She never told me she is pregnant with my child, she keeps it a secret, I had to find it spying her mails. Its not good from my side to spy, but, I don't care, when it comes to the truth. The thing is, I'm not sure if I have to tell her that I know about the child (its like I never existed for her, she denied me, she blacklisted me, she never wanted to do anything with me, like I was some kind of damn devil, or something), and if I tell her, she might as well deny it. On the other side, I don't won't that child to be grown by her, because I had to know the devil inside her and her mother. That innocent child needs a father, and needs a mother, and the best thing to do was to keep at least a parentship together, and grow the child, but I feel like I can't tell her that I know about the things. I have been thinking about "the child probably is not mine", because now there is no more enigma for me, nothing she does impresses me, but on the other side, there was no possibility she could have had sex with some other guy in my town, as there was no possibility. I don't know what to do. I know mostly of you can not give an answer, on the other side, I don't know if I'm asking for an answer, or just want to share it with you. I had to know the devil.

[smoothy]

This may sound cold... But look at it this way. She is in another country now... count your blessings.

File for divorce due to abandonment. Eventually you won't even need her signature to get it.

Be smart and pretend she doesn't exist. There are lots of women out there who are not like her. Most of them in fact.

Now if there will be a kid... without DNA proof I would not accept any responsibility. I've known too many guys get suckered into believe a kid was theirs when they found out later wasn't theirs.

There is nothing you can do from that distance, except be the sucker that sends her money so she can continue to be who she is and do who or what she wants.

She isn't worth the stress she has caused.

[talaniman]

I would let her know what you have found, and then back off, as until a child is born, there can be little you can do about it, but make sure its yours, and then make a decision what you want.

Sorry to hear you two couldn't make it, but even though you're divorced, if she is pregnant by you, then you're the dad, whether you can be better parents, than you were spouses, will not change you're being a father, and she a mother, and you will have to do, what you have to do, to raise your offspring, with, or without, each other co operating.

A child should never be made to suffer for the inabilities of the parents, but for now, it's a waiting game to see what happen. Amazing how a divorce didn't cut the ties so you could move on without giving her a second thought, but life is weird that way. So wait and see what comes next.

This revelation should not stop you from enjoying your freedom though, and finding peace within yourself.

[Matteus]

I would let her know what you have found, and then back off, as until a child is born, there can be little you can do about it, but make sure its yours, and then make a decision what you want.

That was my first thought either, and what people suggested me to do. But, thinking again, I feel like she will deny it, as she denied me. She made it clear through her actions that I don't exist for her even in her mind, otherwise she wouldn't have treated me the way she does now. On the other side, I don't know what she has done through the time here, when I was working during the day. I know, its damn negative thoughts of mine, but now everything is no more "something new" to me, so I have to think every single option. And thinking about this, I'm scared to death I will have to know she cheated on me here as well. I know, probably I'm trying to make everything look like an option, but this is how I feel. Trust is gone my friend, so, I have nothing to loose anymore.

Sorry to hear you two couldn't make it, but even though you're divorced, if she is pregnant by you, then your the dad, whether or not you can be better parents, than you were spouses, will not change you're being a father, and she a mother, and you will have to do, what you have to do, to raise your offspring, with, or without, each other co operating.

We are in a phase of separation, and I'm doing the divorce papers ready, but that's the best thing to do. I don't want to have anything to do with her anymore. Im not sure even as a co-parent. Probably I'm too harsh, but this is how I feel in this moment. I don't think I will ever forget her, but if that's my child, I have to deal with my ex-wife every day, and I have to find a way to adapt to the situation for child's sake. You know, its like eating , and saying it tastes like cake. Damn it, hard to do it, man.

A child should never be made to suffer for the inabilities of the parents, but for now, its a waiting game to see what happen. Amazing how a divorce didn't cut the ties so you could move on without giving her a second thought, but life is weird that way. So wait and see what comes next.

This revelation should not stop you from enjoying your freedom though, and finding peace within yourself.

I have to find peace in myself, forgive her and myself, and try to enjoy this new "relation" with her for child's sake, IF the child is mine, and IF she will admit the child is mine, and IF she will let me be a part of child's life.

[talaniman]

I think it's a matter of keeping all the cards on the table, and letting her know the facts. I just feel its important to do the right thing yourself, no matter how she deals with it, good or bad.

It's a tough call but being forthright on your part will make your options better in my own opinion, even though right now, it doesn't seem like it. I understand that.

Dealing from a position of truth, is power. Hidden things can come back to haunt you.

Coping with the reality of truth is a lot better than any deceit or games on your part, even though it may make things easier NOW!

Tough decision you have for sure.

[Matteus]

I think its a matter of keeping all the cards on the table, and letting her know the facts. I just feel its important to do the right thing yourself, no matter how she deals with it, good or bad.

Its a tough call but being forthright on your part will make your options better in my own opinion, even though right now, it doesn't seem like it. I understand that.

Dealing from a position of truth, is power. Hidden things can come back to haunt you.

Coping with the reality of truth is a lot better than any deceit or games on your part, even though it may make things easier NOW!

Tough decision you have for sure.

Well, I just wrote her that I know about the baby. And I asked her to let me be a father to the child, and that when time comes, allow her to know that she has a father who loves her and will be there for her whenever she will need me. I had to beg to my ex-wife, maybe she will come into her senses, and hopefully I will touch her heart (if she has any) in somehow. I told her I'm surprised she didn't told me, but I believe she had her reasons, and that I like to believe one day she would tell me.

Well, now, I'm just waiting for her response, probably she will reply.

[Matteus]

Well, i just wrote her that i know about the baby. And i asked her to let me be a father to the child, and that when time comes, allow her to know that she has a father who loves her and will be there for her whenever she will need me. I had to beg to my ex-wife, maybe she will come into her senses, and hopefully i will touch her heart (if she has any) in somehow. I told her im surprised she didnt told me, but i believe she had her reasons, and that i like to believe one day she would tell me.

Well, now, im just waiting for her response, probably she will reply.

Can you believe how immature she is?? She laughts at it, and she says it was just a 1st April joke, and she is sorry to dissapoint me, but there is no baby. And that she has no reason to lie to me. I told her I really want to believe she has no reasons to lie. I told her I might sound like a fool to her, but she will never ever understand me and how I feel about important things. So, there was no need for "hahahahaha". Anyway. What can I say. Hopefully that was the truth, and if its not, shame on her.

[talaniman]

You have no choice but to drop her from your life!

[Matteus]

You have no choice but to drop her from your life!

Which is my will as well. I don't want to have anything to do with her, and when I got the info about the child, I said, damn it, now I will have to do with my ex the whole life.

[Gemini54]

I remember your original question and if what she says is true, that there is no child, then I would light 100 candles in your local church and thank the Blessed Virgin on a daily basis for the next 6 months..

Your post is full of how horrible this woman was (and I have no doubt that this is true), but remember that you chose her and jumped into this relationship very quickly. You were as much a part of this entanglement as she was - take responsibility for your part, and don't ever contact or speak to her again. It's time to stop the drama and to stop interacting with your devil and hers.

All I can say Matteus is learn the lesson, for there is a huge one here, and tread cautiously when it comes to future relationships.

[Matteus]

I remember your original question and if what she says is true, that there is no child, then I would light 100 candles in your local church and thank the Blessed Virgin on a daily basis for the next 6 months..

Your post is full of how horrible this woman was (and I have no doubt that this is true), but remember that you chose her and jumped into this relationship very quickly. You were as much a part of this entanglement as she was - take responsibility for your part, and don't ever contact or speak to her again. It's time to stop the drama and to stop interacting with your devil and hers.

All I can say Matteus is learn the lesson, for there is a huge one here, and tread cautiously when it comes to future relationships.

I don't know my friend, she told me she has no reason to lie, she told me there is no baby, and that it was only a joke of 1st April, and than on the other side, she tells the other guy, that she is going tomorrow to the doctor and see if the baby is a girl (funny, because from what I know, she knows it's a girl, she even gave her a name). Its impossible to be their baby, because they never met (I know they spoke on Facebook poker chat regularly, every day, during these 3 months, since she left, so I have no doubts about it and she admits it as well-he doesn't even have a face, but a fake picture), or the baby is of someone else she had sex during these last 3 months after she left, which me and this new guy don't know about.
I have 3 possible alternatives to what it might be.

1. Im sure that since we tried for the baby, till she left, she had no menstruations (that was for about a month and a half). All the signs were there, breast pain, feeling of vomitting, back pain, tireness, moody, etc. So if it's the case, than she is hiding the truth from me! And that's called a crime.

2. She was here with me, and cheated on me while I was working, which I doubt it, as I have no facts and my insticts didn't told me nothing about it, and on the other side, I live in a not-so-big and conservator town, and everyone knew that I married a foreigner (we were the couple that made a difference in the town), so, there are a lot of people I know, who respect me and want my best, and I would have been informed.

3. She admits to him, the child is about 24 weeks old, but I was looking at some pictures of her, made like 3-4 days ago, where I can see her belly doesn't look like a 24 weeks size, except one of them where she doesn't show her face, but only the belly which actually is a 24 weeks size but her piercing she had in the belly is missing. If she is pregnant, but not 24weeks, and she got pregnant during these last 3 months since she left, then I feel like she is lying about the age of the pregnancy to the other guy and make him believe the child is mine and the pregnancy is about 24 weeks but it looks smaller because as she didn't knew about it (she said she didn't knew nothing about it?! ) she went on diet tablets, so the child was not feed enough to be a normal size, and that probably the child won't live. This could help her hide the real age of pregnancy, so that possible cheating during these 3 months won't be known from her new boyfriend, and make him think it's a 24weeks in miniature.

I know why she would try to hide the real age of the pregnancy, if that's the case. But if not, and if that child is really mine, why would she keep it a secret from me?

I feel like even speaking about her, is not worth the time. Yes, I know my wrongs, my mistakes, I jumped quickly into that marriage. There was no possibility for us to live together for some time, due to her problems receiving visas, and leaving the country and flying like 7500km every month, and I felt sorry for her, to pay lots of money to come and go here, so I told myself OK, I have to make a decision (that decision was made after 4 months of first contact), so I accepted her (although the truth was that I was constantly asking myself where the rabbit sleeps, and why she wants so much to come here, even after I told her here is not a place for her, and here is not so much money, and I'm not who she thinks I am, and I'm not the guy who has money and car, because deep down I knew she was a golddigger, yet not ready to show off her face), and just wanted to think positive about the future. I was pissed off last night with her and her pathethic laugh about the child and the joke, and when she asked me who knows about her more than she does, I nailed her for the last time, and told her, I know everything, and the truth is that I don't care at all what she does, because she is not worth the stress she has caused.
After that I received a message from her (she only replies when I send these "shi-tty" mails as she calls them) where she laughts maniacly and pathetic about how she never met the other guy, and that I don't know her at all, and that she keeps justifying her actions and emotional affair, by how I left her in a flat for months (ironically she isolated me from my family and my friends, I lost my free time, I had to stay all day with her, except when I was working during the day), and that we never spoke, so I don't know her. Bull. If me going to work everyday, and coming home at 5PM, and than take her out to have a coffee (I had to ask her for it, because if I didn't, yes, we would have stayed home for months) or just a walk (forget about the other things other couples do, because she was too busy with playing online poker all day long), trying to integrate her in this new country, with the language (she started learning some words in the beginning, just to seduce me, but after she didn't gave a , she even complained about how the teacher can't teach nothing, or that it's a lot of payment for a lesson, or any other stupid excuses), with a job (which she didn't wanted it either), even meetings with my parents (and the last months she even complained about it, because "she can't smoke for two hours, as they already knew about the first pregnancy which was a misscarriage), or with my friends (she disliked one of them, and his fiance, she even thought im cheating with her with my best friend's fiance, even tried to isolate me from them, when i had to go out for a walk even when she didnt wanted it), its a "leave her in a flat", and that every day she did nothing but stay in the room (even the house was a mess the last months, because of her lazyass attitude, and play poker since she woke up till she went bed (like more than 12 hours) is called I didn't spoke to her, than, I don't know what to think.

I don't know what I have to do about the child. It's a big mystery, its like there is a child, she tells other people about it, but on the other side, she denies it to me. I don't know how can I find out if there is a child, and if the child is mine. On her marital status on her ministry of home affair's country she is single, but here she results as married. I don't know. I was thinking to write to her ministry a mail, how she abandonet me, and that she is married (I know she wants to marry this other guy, she even calls him husband), and I know she is waiting for a child, but she denies it. I don't know if they will care, and I think I will have to die without knowing the real truth.

[Matteus]

I think I have found a solution to this problem. I asked her to send me documents of her pregnancy test, signed from a doctor, as well what month the child is. After the child is born, she will have to send me child's ADN so I will make the paternity test. I told her I have the right to know and I dotn want to live the rest of my life with doubts in my mind. I told her that if she won't do it, there will be trouble, and she won't have to deal with me anymore, but law. And not my country's laws, but the laws of her country.

[JudyKayTee]

How are you going to do a DNA test with specimens you receive through the mail?

This is an impractical plan.

[Jake2008]

If she is saying there is no baby, all you can assume is, there is no baby.

Make a hard copy of her email denying she is pregnant.

I understand that the marriage seems like an attempt at citizenship, and you got suckered if I read this right, however, you have no basis to believe you are a father.

She could have faked symptoms for all you know of being pregnant, to keep the marriage going longer- who knows.

I don't see why you beat yourself up about all the 'what if's'. You have no truthful answers to any of your questions about her, her motives, her life, her 'pregnancy'.

The relationship with the poker player, could also be another game. Another man, another country- again, who knows.

Immigration fraud comes to mind- just my opinion here, but even that is a moot point because she is back in her home country, and won't be able to return as you are divorcing her.

Unless I'm missing something, I don't see what you are worried about.

The relationship is over, she denies being pregnant by you, pushing her with questions won't result in any answers obviously.

Why not just go ahead with the divorce, put this whole experience behind you, and move on with you life.

[Matteus]

If she is saying there is no baby, all you can assume is, there is no baby.

But I know she is lying, and I don't know why.

Make a hard copy of her email denying she is pregnant.

Good point.

I understand that the marriage seems like an attempt at citizenship, and you got suckered if I read this right, however, you have no basis to believe you are a father.

I have no basis to believe I'm the father, but there were signs of pregnancy, as well she denies it to me that she is pregnant, but she is telling other people she is. Which makes me believe she doesn't want me to know anything about it.

She could have faked symptoms for all you know of being pregnant, to keep the marriage going longer- who knows.

She doesn't want the marriage. From her actions I can see no other reason why she wanted to get married, but leave her country, and move somewhere else, where she can suck other people's blood and money. She admits it by saying that she played poker all day, because she had no life here, and I gave her no life.

I don't see why you beat yourself up about all the 'what if's'. You have no truthful answers to any of your questions about her, her motives, her life, her 'pregnancy'.

I have no truthful answers, but can base my thoughts on her actions, and how she acted during this time. Again, lying about there is no child, when she tells other people that there is a child, makes me believe she doesn't want me to know about the child. Otherwise why do I have to think otherwise?

The relationship with the poker player, could also be another game. Another man, another country- again, who knows.

Oh, I can bet about it. Sooner or later, she will show the real face and motives to her new partner as well.

Immigration fraud comes to mind- just my opinion here, but even that is a moot point because she is back in her home country, and won't be able to return as you are divorcing her.

She doesn't want to come here, and me as well. I don't want her here, even if I made mistakes and wrongs. Whatever I did, nothing can justify her actions.

Unless I'm missing something, I don't see what you are worried about.

Im worried about if there is really a child, and if that child is mine. Im worried about that child's future, and I don't want my child to think I abandoned him/her. This is what my sick ex-wife doesn't get. I want to be a father to my child, if it really exists, but I don't want anything from my ex.

The relationship is over, she denies being pregnant by you, pushing her with questions won't result in any answers obviously.

Why not just go ahead with the divorce, put this whole experience behind you, and move on with you life.

Im not sure about it. Many of you probably think I'm sick, as my ex says, but, I fight for what its worth. And a child is worth it. I don't give a bull about my ex, she can live in hell, if she wants too, but if there is a child, than its my blood. That's why, I believe I can't stop right now. She already blocked me from Facebook. This is the mail she sent me last night:

"hahaha... who needs your divorce papers! Im still single! My signature is requiered for u and not for me! and anyway are u crazy???? there is no baby so why the hell must i see a doctor on my account again! Have nt i paid enough?????? Whatever, have a nice life. No more facebook! Im deleting it! U have to many issues and im sick of it! By the way this is SA the law does nothing for u here! And i dont care what u say.... yes I played poker correct because i had nothing there, you gave me no life... you are the one that must think what u did! Luckily i was not the one visiting men but u visiting other woman! U are out of my life forever!"

She is sick in her brain. The woman she is speaking about is the owner of the house, a 55 years old, in the age of my mother, and I told my ex, I'm going to pay the rent, and the lady asked me nicely if I could fix her computer as well, so I had to visit her at home, and I don't know, but when you go someone's house, they offer you a drink or something, and that's completely normal. But my ex has a perversed mind, to think all the bull- she thought and still keeps think, about me.

[JudyKayTee]

Matteus agrees : I have already moved on with my life Jake and Gemini. But if there is a child, that's another story, and has nothing to do with the problems between my ex and me. Has nothing to do with our relation, as it could be a completely different relation as f

Matteus, please read the rules of the site concerning "agree" and "disagree" - that portion is not the carry on a conversation but to agree or disagree with the advice given.

You are misusing this feature.

[Matteus]

Matteus, please read the rules of the site concerning "agree" and "disagree" - that portion is not the carry on a conversation but to agree or disagree with the advice given.

You are misusing this feature.

Sorry

[JudyKayTee]

Matteus agrees : Yes, but not through the mail, but a hard copy of the results

You are here and she is there - how do you intend to do DNA testing that will give you hard copy results?

Again - this is an impractical plan.

[Jake2008]

You are convinced that she is pregnant, and what does that mean for you.

If she is totally shutting you off from her life, it could be very difficult, and very expensive via a lawyer, to determine if she had a baby, and if the baby is yours via tests. She does not sound like the type of person who would cooperate with either option.

Instead of alienating her, or entertaining the email, or driving yourself mad trying to read between the lines, why not just consider, for now, any contact with her is off limits.

While I agree that this child, if there is one, could be yours, there is little you can do until the baby is born, except start saving money because this will likely cost you a small fortune.

And in the meanwhile, think about the logistics of parenting a child over thousands of miles. It would be a different story if she were in another state, but in another country will only add more difficulty.

Is it possible for you to go and see a lawyer who specializes in international custody issues. Many lawyers offer a free consultation, and you may just get enough information to at least know what your legal options are. I don't see how you will be able to protect your rights and establish paternity without legal assistance.

It might be time to set your mind at ease, knowing what you can and cannot do, and what you can or cannot expect to happen, legally.

And in the meanwhile, try to stop all contact with her, initiated by you. If she has decided that you are a threat to her, with possible custody issues etc. she will only shut down more.

Time and patience for now.

[talaniman]

Leave this alone Matt, as time will tell what happens next, and you should be focusing on what you do with your life, without her in it. Have no more contact with her as its finally over.