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niceprankfarva · Nov 8, 2009, 06:51 PM

Threads merged. Please keep all questions regarding the same issue in the same thread.

I hooked up with a girl a month ago, and at first we both just thought it was a hookup, nothing else. But then she came over the next day, and we hung out. And the next day. For about a week we saw each other everyday and hung out. We really got along, really connected, and started falling for each other.

But she was technically not even broken up with her boyfriend. They had dated for 4 1/2 years, since she was 16, and he was her first and only boyfriend and sexual partner. But she said for the last half year they had been drifting away because he was going nowhere in his life and depressed and stayed at home and didn't even go to school.

So they officially broke up, and we continued hanging out, though we were very honest with each other about her feelings and she said her feelings for me were real, I wasn't a rebound, but she felt pulled, because she still wanted to be friends with him, since they had known each other their whole life, and lived right next to each other.

We have been very open and honest about the situation. We agreed to give her space and let her mend broken fences with him. But we still couldn't keep our hands off each other, and couldn't stop hanging out. We both even felt love after 3 weeks of hanging out, and it was real.

She claimed she couldn't date him anymore because he was going nowhere and their lives were growing apart. Well, he came up this weekend to visit her, and basically professed that he could never love anyone like he loved her again, etc.

Now she's really torn. He was such a big part of her life, their families know each other very well, she even assumed she would be with him her whole life. She's very confused right now, doesn't know what to do, because he has made it clear he can't be just friends with her, and she thinks she can't be just friends with him anymore.

I try to tell her over and over, right now, you can't imagine seeing him in a nonromantic way, but time will help you both, because after the first breakup, its hard to see yourself starting over again.

I know she really cares for me, and she feels real bad about all this.

I kind of foresaw this possibility when I learned she just broke up with her first exbf of 4 1/2 years. I have talked to her, been open, and not demanding and given her space.

What else can I do if I really care for her? Did I dig myself into a hole? Do I need to give her time and hope she doesn't go back to him?

sarahhank85 · Nov 8, 2009, 07:05 PM

Hey ask her how she truly feels about every area of him and their relationship.. and do the same for u.. in a way compare and contrast.. ask her who she pictures spending the rest of her life with? Tell her to go with her heart.. she s also 16 and most 16 yr olds don t really know yet what they want and they kind of go with the flow and do whatever everyone else is doing or go by what other people tell them they should do or how they feel.. give her some time of course because she is young.. but still show her you care about her.. be there for her when she needs it etc.. and that will in the end help her to see what her future may hold. Also let her know you support whatever decision she makes and u will always care about her etc..

niceprankfarva · Nov 8, 2009, 07:09 PM

She's actually almost 20, she started dating him when 15

Thanks though. I've been open, she has told me allll her feelings, she seemed sure they didn't belong together anymore. But now after their talk, she wonders if he improves his life and gets back to his normal self, she's worried she might wonder what might have been if they got back together.

bjohnrupp · Nov 8, 2009, 07:14 PM

Start doing no contact immediately... she will then be forced to choose between you and him. Don't be her back up plan. Make her miss you. Trust me on this- don't respond to any of her texts or calls and delete her from Facebook.

paxe · Nov 8, 2009, 07:35 PM

Leave. You're just adding to the confusing, you don't want to be into this situation.

niceprankfarva · Nov 8, 2009, 07:39 PM

Originally Posted by paxe

Leave. You're just adding to the confusing, you don't want to be into this situation.

I feel I can win her, and she says she never thinks of him when we are together. And I care a lot about her, enough to try and stick through tough times if it means I can win her.

bjohnrupp · Nov 8, 2009, 07:42 PM

Originally Posted by niceprankfarva

i feel i can win her, and she says she never thinks of him when we are together. and i care a lot about her, enough to try and stick through tough times if it means i can win her.

Who cares what she says?? She's going to give you a lot of bs because she knows you'll believe it. There's no such thing as winning her- she has to want to be with you. Blow her off completely and see what her real intentions are.

paxe · Nov 8, 2009, 07:43 PM

It's not a game, there is no "winning" to be done here. She either wants to be with you or she doesn't. You are only giving you false hope.

niceprankfarva · Feb 5, 2010, 03:37 PM

Threads merged

Hey guys, I've browsed these boards before, and its cool how many helpful people there are here. I just need some advice and perspective, maybe from someone who has been through this.

The history of me and my current girlfriend is bumpy, ill summarize.

We met when she was kind of falling away from her current ex, 5 months ago

-her ex was her first serious boyfriend, first sex, and first love, they dated for 4 1/2 years. They were best friends too.

We fell for each other quickly, but it was tough for her to let go of her past. After some flip flops and long talks, she realized she wanted to take the risk with me because I was not a high school relationship (we are both in college), I was a mature person who treated her great and would never cheat on her like her ex, and we could talk about our future together with no worries.

She finally confronted her exbf, and told him she wanted to date other people, which was one of the hardest things she's ever done, and I appreciate her so much for that.

But there's a problem. Most her close friends became close friends because she dated their best friend. And now they are showing who they really care about, her ex. They have said terrible things to her, and refuse to let her move on even though she's been so careful and respectful about it. She wants to keep her ex in her life because he's her first love, and they have that connection, which I understand. But now her "friends" are basically making her choose between them or me.

She has been in a terrible mood, lashed out at me, and then apologized. She said there's nothing I can do or say, because I can't understand what its like to lose her close friends over me. She owns up to the fact she chose me, and said she's not changing her mind, but she needs time to get over all this, time alone. She can't be with me during this because she says she's has to come to the realization she can't have both her friends and me.

I have worked with her through this, been patient, and as understanding as possible. I have told her to take as much time as she needs, and ill be here when she finds her way back, and that I care so much for her.

Is there anything else I can do? Am I missing something? Perspective from an outside party would be much appreciated.

jaime90 · Feb 5, 2010, 05:12 PM

I think you've gone about this in a good, positive way. Make sure that you give her plenty of time and space to make up her mind. Don't put a lot of stock in the relationship, she seems very unsure.

niceprankfarva · Feb 5, 2010, 05:36 PM

Originally Posted by jaime90

I think you've gone about this in a good, positive way. Make sure that you give her plenty of time and space to make up her mind. Don't put a lot of stock in the relationship, she seems very unsure.

The thing is, this isn't a typical 4 month relationship
She is madly in love with me and always tells me. She plans our future. She plans what our wedding will be like. She plans what our kinds names will be, where we will work, and all the different phases of our life.

I'm the same way, I enjoy talking about that future stuff, and that's a lot from someone who isn't too open about that stuff.

She always looks into my eyes and tells me how in love with me she is. So I can't help but put stock in this.

jaime90 · Feb 5, 2010, 07:07 PM

Does she still look into your eyes and tell you that she loves you and wants to marry you, or is she insisiting on having a break?

You have to know that a lot of women are like this. They want to know that the person they are currently dating is the one that they will marry, but right now, she is taking a break from the relationship.

Just give her space and time. The ball is in her court.

I wish · Feb 5, 2010, 08:03 PM

Just go about your life and do your own thing. If she loves you as much as she says she does, then she will find you when she's ready. No need to sit by the phone waiting for her to call and no need to beat yourself up.

talaniman · Feb 5, 2010, 08:32 PM

I have to say after 4 and a half years with someone, to suddenly jump to you is not good in my opinion. You seem to forget after such a long time with someone, she has to heal, and make a lot of adjustments to her life.

I think maybe that even though she tells you she loves you, its more she needs someone on her side, and that's why you have to be cautious as she may need a lot of time, and may not even know it.

Don't be so carried away by words when the actions don't match, and clearly your so taken by her you can't see that.

Do your thing my friend, without her, as right now this is a classic case of being a rebound, if she decides to stay with you. She may well want her freedom for a while, after she has had a chance to think about it. After all she has never been single as an adult.

Naw dude, going from one person to another never works out that well, no matter how you may feel about her, and your already over the top with your feelings right now.

Leave her alone to heal, and see how she feels when she does, but don't wait in limbo.

amicon · Feb 5, 2010, 11:51 PM

She needs to heal from her breakup and shouldn't be in as relationship with anyone until she's well over the ex. She also needs to be secure and mature enough to be happy living as a single person,and not feel the urge to jump into a rebound just to have someone to lean on.

You would be better off stepping away from this and let her get on with it,while you get on with your own life.