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missparis · Sep 21, 2009, 02:38 AM

I am in a long distance relationship with my boyfriend, and planning on moving to him. I am actually pretty sure that he loves me I mean, he shows it a lot, by telling me he loves me coming to visit me buying plane tickets for me to come and visit him.( He does live in another country). I am just unsure of how exactly to understand his behaviour at times. E.g. I am about to meet his parents very soon, and he didn't bring any girlfriend to his parents house since 8 years. He wants me to look good etc is always very protective but when it comes to being able to accept the fact that I am always going to stay saying I am "insert nationality" and always will be even if I move to your country to be with you he blocks and gets emo and what not. Sometimes I just have the feeling that I am like a doll to show off?

Gemini54 · Sep 21, 2009, 04:59 AM

He wants me to look good etc is always very protective but when it comes to being able to accept the fact that I am always going to stay saying I am "insert nationality" and always will be even if I move to your country to be with you he blocks and gets emo and what not. Sometimes I just have the feeling that I am like a doll to show off?

Could you explain the situation more clearly please? I'm not quite sure what you're trying to say. A bit more about the dynamics between you would be helpful as well. Thanks!

missparis · Sep 21, 2009, 05:07 AM

Well I am russian by nationality and he s from dk. And he just tells me each time that he wants me to be "danish" when I come live with him, which is ofc not possible as doesn't matter how much of danish behaviour and language I ll adapt my heart and mentality will always be russian. So sometimes I am just asking myself whether he does love me as I am or simply the skin and bones

Gemini54 · Sep 21, 2009, 05:14 AM

What you say makes sense, you can't just forget your Russian culture and heritage to be with him. How did you meet him? Have you spent much time together?

If you have any doubts then I would be delaying moving to Denmark to be with him. By all means meet the parents but trust what your intuition is telling you.

If he can't accept that you're Russian, then there may be other things he won't accept either!

redhed35 · Sep 21, 2009, 05:15 AM

He wants you to act and behave in a danish way?

I'm trying to understand what behind his thinking,you are russian,not danish..

I'm irish,if I went to live in france,id still be irish,only living in france!

Does he want you to ignore your nationality? Your roots and your country?

Deny who you are?

I'm sorry for all the questions,I'm just trying to get a better picture of your situation.

amicon · Sep 21, 2009, 05:31 AM

Well Im Swedish though I live in England and none of my exes has had a problem with that .You are who you are-and there s no reason why you should have to act Danish-whatever that is.. Its a big step leaving your own country and settling somewhere else.
Unless he supports you for who you are I think you need to give this some serious thought.

missparis · Sep 21, 2009, 05:45 AM

Originally Posted by redhed35

he wants you to act and behave in a danish way?

im trying to understand what behind his thinking,you are russian,not danish..

im irish,if i went to live in france,id still be irish,only living in france!

does he want you to ignore your nationality? your roots and your country?

deny who you are?

im sorry for all the questions,im just trying to get a better picture of your situation.

Well he tells me he would like me to not be "too open" about the fact that I am russian whatever that means. I mean I won't start to wear russian traditional outfits and sing ochi chernie :/

redhed35 · Sep 21, 2009, 05:55 AM

Is he ashamed that your russian?

What does he think your going to do?

Have you seriously taken into consideration all aspects of this move?

Have you turned the question on him?

Move to russia and pretend that your russian not danish... he'd probably laugh... maybe not,I don't know the guy.

amicon · Sep 21, 2009, 05:59 AM

How much time have you actually spent in each others company and where?
If anyone told me what NOT to wear and what NOT to sing Id dump them.

missparis · Sep 21, 2009, 06:00 AM

Well I am not exactly sure what he thinks I am going to do. I asked him and he said he wouldn t want somebody living in denmark if the person doesn't try to integrate. But I did never plan otherwise. I mean I am almost sure he really does love me. Otherwise he wouldn t try to do everything he does now to help me and get there but sometimes he just says things like that and I can't understand him. E g we were talking about children and I said that I do absolutely want my kids to learn russian. And he doesn't, he says they d be excluded from other kids because of that. And I just can't cope with that, I mean I am russian so what is wrong on teaching the kids both danish and russian :/

redhed35 · Sep 21, 2009, 06:06 AM

Originally Posted by missparis

well I am not exactly sure what he thinks I am going to do. I asked him and he said he wouldn t want somebody living in denmark if the person doesnt try to integrate. but I did never plan otherwise. I mean I am almost sure he really does love me. otherwise he wouldn t try to do everything he does now to help me and get there but sometimes he just says things like that and I can't understand him. E g we were talking about children and I said that I do absolutely want my kids to learn russian. and he doesnt, he says they d be excluded from other kids because of that. and I just can't cope with that, I mean I am russian so what is wrong on teaching the kids both danish and russian :/

OK,this is good,because you have a clearer picture of what your future will be like with this man,I'm not saying he does not love you,but been russain is who you are,how can he say he loves you and not accept the whole package that is you...

Your future children deserve to know both backgrounds of their parents,is it going to be a secret from them too!

You know now where he stands on these issues,its up to you to either stand your ground,or reconsider the move at this stage in the relationship.

missparis · Sep 21, 2009, 06:16 AM

I guess I just hope he will learn to well not accept it but love the fact that I am russian with getting to know my parents closely or my family in general

redhed35 · Sep 21, 2009, 06:19 AM

Perhaps introduce him to the russia you know,the culture,the food the people.. teach him,you are willing to learn for him,I'm sure he would like to return the favour.

missparis · Sep 21, 2009, 06:30 AM

That might be a good idea, at least I ll try that! Thank you

I wish · Sep 21, 2009, 07:23 AM

Moving to another city to be with him is a huge step. But before you do that, it sounds like you have a lot of issues to work out before you make that sort of commitment.

I suggest that you spend more time talking things out with him. Let him know your concerns and try to find a mutual understanding for all your disagreements before you take the next step in the relationship (i.e. moving in together).

If you can't work out your issues, then you can't move forward in a relationship. You can't continue expecting him to change while he continues to expect you to change. It doesn't work that way.

talaniman · Sep 21, 2009, 08:19 AM

Taking a huge step like relocating to another country is NOT something you do HOPING he will change. Your on different pages that will have conflicts later. If he is not going to accept your ideas for the future, what's the point of even moving in with him?

Iron out the issues from the safety of where you are, before investing in someone else's plan. Have your own plan, and put it to work.