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Dawn92 · Sep 30, 2008, 07:31 PM

I know its long, but it is for a reason, please read and help me.

Okay so when I was 5 or so I was molested by my best friends dad. This went on for about a year or so until I ended up inadvertently telling my parents. I had thought nothing was wrong with what had been happening to me so I never thought it important to tell anyone.
Anyway, he got arrested and I lost my best friend. I'm 16 now and I'm incredibly confused.
I used to worry about being a child molester myself, due to reports I've read about sexually abused children growing up to be child molesters themselves. Because I was so freaked out, I eventually started convincing myself I was attracted to children. This went on and off for a couple months.
I know now that I am not at all attracted to children, but now I'm getting the same paranoid thoughts about being attracted to girls (I'm a girl).
I've gone through this many times before, even at very young ages. And sometimes I think I am attracted to girls, but I think this could be mainly the same thing as the child molester thing.
I'm also convinced I have OCD. Not the "i have OCD because i only like even numbers and i have to erase my pencil lines completely or it bugs me!" type of "OCD"
I think I have real OCD. I've read a lot about it and I have major symptoms, which would take too much to go into right now.
Anyway, part of OCD is obsessing about being a child molestor and about being gay. Go figure.
Lately I've had multiple guys liking me, which is new for me. I was never the popular girl.
But I always find something wrong with them. I've never even had a boyfriend because I thought I was too hideous for guys to like me growing up.
I've learned that my looks aren't everything and that guys do actually like me for my personality but I never like the guys that like me back.
Does this make me gay? I'm seriously afraid to be gay.
I've liked guys since before I can remember and I know what I find hot on guys and I'm never without a crush.
So... Is it just poor luck on the guys that like me?
Or deep down am I so much in denial that I make up excuses to even myself as to why I don't like them?
Does this have to do with OCD or being abused as a child??
If I didn't know what was happening to me was wrong when it was actually happening to me, would it even effect me now?!
I'm so confused.

70541 · Oct 1, 2008, 12:41 AM

I'm no therapist but I think you have a form of mental paranoia brought on by the prior problem and I'm not saying I know you but I bet you feel disgusted when you think about that and it brings upon unfortunate self hatred and the ocd could just be stress brought about by the thoughts you have been having and the child-raped to rapist its all as you choose however as I was treated as a child I was mistreated and I swore to never become what had made me feel such anger and sadness so look upon that do you want another person to feel as you did ?

But honestly as I said I am no therapist.. so put a little thought into what I said if it accounts to you however it would be a smart decision to ask to see a therapist to discuss these issues

Choux · Oct 1, 2008, 11:41 AM

Individuals have very complicated motives and emotions if they have suffered any kind of trauma or abuse in their lives. Add the fact that you are still maturing, and this makes for confusion. :)

It is really important for you to tell your thoughts to a good therapist so you can get everything out on the table and examine it.

It is easy for a trained person to understand a person than it is for a person who is confused to understand him/herself.

Best wishes, :)

Dawn92 · Oct 2, 2008, 11:19 PM

Well see the thing is, I don't feel hatred or sadness, or much of anything.
Apathy, really.
But I kind of wonder as to why I don't have any emotions thinking about how I was taken advantage of at such a young age.
But I logically know now that I would never do such a thing to someone. Not only because I can't really imagine enjoying it at all, but because its wrong to place that upon someone. I don't want some kid to be all confused later on in life like I am now.
Its disgusting, really.

KISS · Oct 3, 2008, 01:25 AM

Emotional abuse removes emotions and causes all sorts of problems similar to what you describe. A guess on my part.

Lesko04 · Jun 30, 2009, 06:11 AM

Dawn, I first want to tell you that what happened to you was not your fault. He was very sick and disturbed and this was and is still his problem. You did the right thing by telling. You may have kept others from being hurt in the same way. His daughter was young, all she saw was daddy going away. She'll understand when she becomes a parent. I would like to know if you have ever or are you now in counseling? I work for a Mental Health Facility, we see patients for 30 or 45 minutes every other week. I think you need someone to listen to you and help you understand this tragedy that happened to you. I do understand OCD, I am OCD, my husband wishes I was as OCD about housework as I am about other stuff, but we obsess about the things we do for a reason. There used to and sometimes can be a stigma attatched to the thought of Mental Health. It's not a couch and electric shock therapy. It's a place where someone really listens to you and your pain, fears and the reality of what you've been through. Do you have a good supportive family? If not you should look into your Community Health Facility. You could talk to abused girls at shelters, schools, and even churches. If you need to run, jog, punch a boxing bag, or scream into a pillow. Just let it out. I think you are worrying about your sexuality due to your childhood. Just let it happen naturally, you'll know when the time is right for you. Don't think so much about what you are and just be. You'll know when you are truly in love, no matter who or what sex they are. Your childhood took something from you that can never be returned, you can only try to live the rest of your life happier and satisfied with the knowledge you are a good person, you did nothing wrong, and you are going to treat people the way you want to be treated. As sad as it it, even prisoners have their standards, they may murder, steal and kidnap, but they don't like child molesters, they are the bottom of ladder in prison. I'm sure he lives everyday of his life to regret his choices. You on the other hand, need to enjoy life, stop worrying, your sexuality will work itself out, some people try to rush it and make a mistake( after 40 yrs of marriage and 3 kids) just take your time and enjoy your life.

Dawn92 · Jun 30, 2009, 11:20 AM

Well I was in counseling, but I stopped going. For some reason I only worry about all of this every once in a while and lately I haven't been too worried.
I want to thank you though, for taking the time to actually listen to my problem and respond with such a lengthy and lovely message.
I am going to stop worring about it all, and let it all work itself out.

Again, thank you very much.

jasmine24 · Jul 4, 2009, 12:58 AM

This might sound weird but I to was rape when was 5 yrs old and I started having this sexually dreams until I was 15 yrs old.I stop getting rape when I was 12 yrs old.even since then it was like I was a sex prey like half if my mama and sister male family or friends find me sexually attractive at a young age... I been molested by 5 different guys in the family.I love guy's.but it different guy I feel like uncomfortable.get scare.I hate everything about me... so what you need to is to read a book,watch a movie,do some you like to do...