[Hathor]

My previous questions about my relationship with my then boyfriend were merged here but I just thought it'd be less confusing if I just a post a new question on a new thread.

My LD boyfriend (now ex) came all the way (12 hr flight) to visit me for a month, he carried my things for me, plus tons of nice Swiss chocolate for me to give to my colleagues here. He came when I'm now a bit sick and he did take care of me, well, for just 2 days before I kicked him out. Why? It's for revenge. Our relationship was anything but smooth and there was one time when I flew all the way to visit him, we had a big fight, and he dropped me and my luggage in front of a hotel, in the city where I knew no one... but then he felt guilty and sent me another plane ticket to visit him again, and I did. Well everything was much smoother these past couple of months that we were apart doing LD, and when he decided to visit me here, I was torn between the urge for revenge and the love feeling/attachment I feel for him. I sought revenge because he never really apologised for what he did to me but I took him back without an apology, so I never had a closure... so even if things were great later on, I couldn't put everything behind, and he's not a very sensitive guy to know how much I need closure.

My friends and family say they thought it's the best idea that we break up. I think so too, and I'm now liberated from the urge for revenge and from this toxic relationship. The only thing that still bothers me is the way I broke up with him. Well, actually it was my plan to give him the same medicine... he kicked me out, so now I kicked him out too. It was revenge for the past, for my closure, but not for now because he was so nice to me later on and I felt very guilty for the way I kicked him out now. He flew all the way here, put everything behind and had a month off to be with me, taking care of me and this is what he got. My friends who know the whole story and how hurt I was before said he deserves it and I should stop feeling guilty.

I've never done such a thing in my life, so it sort of breaks me too... but I admit having revenge did free me from hatred, I'm no longer angry with him. But he was so angry at how I treated him like a dog (his word) and even took back his tons of chocolate with him.

How do I go from here? I mean I think now I have a semi closure with the revenge, but since my ex never understands how the past broke me, he never gave me closure that I needed, so we can never sit down and talk about how he can do his bit to help me recover from the bad past, he would think I was just manipulating him to feel guilty.

Now everything is over, and since he seems to hate me now, we can never sit down and talk again. So I just have to deal with the fact that we have a bad ending right? No more closure, but I'm still torn between feeling guilty and want to let everything go once and for all not caring how he's hurt.

[azif]

Probably best you stay away from one another. End the game playing.

What closure do you need. You obviously didn't care for him if you did that.

Move on and don't make the same mistakes.

[Sariss]

Wow.

Just wow.

[I wish]

You're right, this is a toxic relationship from the first time you posted and you're better off going your seperate ways. Closure comes from within yourself. It's when you are ready to let everything go and not want to put anymore effort.

[talaniman]

Trying to hold on to someone to get closure is insane. What you want is him to make you feel better, which he won't. That's trying to control another.

As I wish points out so well, closure is you accepting the end of this relationship, and moving forward with your life. That requires your actions, not his.

While its normal to have intense feelings for an ex, both good, and bad, expecting someone to give you closure, is merely an excuse people use to justify, holding on some more to that person.

Let go, and start healing.

[Hathor]

A question about healing and closure

I'm trying to heal and most of the time I feel great with my super busy careers that are going just great. The jobs keep me so occupied I didn't have so much time to think, but then I still think about it. I'm not heartbroken like that, I was the one who dumped him and kicked him out. He traveled across continent to spend a month with me, and even thinking about finding a good job to move here permanently and change his whole life for me. Now I left him stranded somewhere on his own in my country.

I know this relationship is toxic and I'm glad I'm out. But I'm still torn between the anger/hate toward him (and I already had my revenge kicking him out, his own medicine) and the guilty feeling. I feel like I've lost a great friend, and I wholeheartedly know he hates me now. I shattered his love and his hope for this relationship (although toxic)

Most people talk about healing for dumpees, but what about dumpers?

[amicon]

It takes time for dumpers to heal as well as there are always regrets when a relationship is over;just try to let go of the anger and pain and be good to yourself.
Past mistakes belong in the past-leave them there.

[talaniman]

You did what was right for you, and that's should ease the guilt. I think any good caring human would feel bad about putting some one through a rejection, and break up. That you feel bad, is a testament to your own caring, and proves you're a GOOD person. Never feel guilty for that.