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somegirlsdo · Dec 8, 2008, 10:59 AM

I met this awesome man and fell in love with him. He has told me from the beginning he needs either A) an open relationship or B) threesomes/foursomes because he knows that after a while he gets a wandering eye and wants to have sex with another woman. He says that he loves me and wants to build a life with me but this is something that he needs to be happy.

I knew this full out from the very beginning of our friendship when I decided to get into a relationship with him. Being bisexual I figured I would be okay with threesomes/foursomes being part of our relaitonship... I have had them before. But now that push is coming to shove I am really uncomfortable with the idea of watching him having sex with other women.

We are going to be moving to another country for over a year in the next month. He is very concerned about getting "it" out of his system before we leave. I am terrified of the 3/4some in case I become upset during it. He told me then that he would like to change this to an open relationship then until I am ready. This is tearing me apart.

I know what he needed before I got into this relationship and now I am worried that I have made a terrible mistake because I don't know if I can give him what he needs.

Our contracts are signed and we have changed our lives to make this move... there is no turning back now about moving.

What to do? I feel sick thinking about this.

xshorty_jessx · Dec 8, 2008, 03:01 PM

I would do aswel he shouldn't even think about these things I couldn't live with all that if my boyfriend asked me to do all that its just the same as cheating, because love is created for 2 people and sex should definitely not be involved with more then two I'm saying its like cheating because it is its going to be as hurtful as him going behind your back he seems like he wants his way and is trying to make out he's really good at getting more then one girl into bed that's how lads like that work. That's my opinion. You shouldn't have to put up with this just try and talk to him about your feelings and explain how him wanting other females involved upsets you he would be the same if you wanted lads during the relationship tell him its either just you and him or not at all I know it will upset you but you will feel so much better after hope I've helped even if its just abit I tried good luck.

Dragonfly1234 · Dec 8, 2008, 05:54 PM

I don't think he's wrong in this situation. He was honest from the start. He didn't pretend he didn't want something and then stray once he entered into a relationship with you.

Honestly, if you don't think you'll be comfortable with the 3-4somes, there's nothing you can do to overcome that. That said, you have to decide what's the lesser of the two evils... or three in this case; getting on board with the 3-4somes, having an open relationship or leaving him.

If I was in your position, I would do something that most people would qualify as playing games but here goes; I would call his bluff. I would tell him that if he doesn't want to be in a monogomous relationship, then we both want different things that are incompatible and it's over. But again, in the event he did realize that you were more important to him that sexual escapades, the issue could always come up in the future, and it might actually take him a long while to realise that.

As hard as it is for you, you really, really need to be honest with yourself right now. If you can't accept this now, you will never be able to accept it. Especially after you have a history together and you're feeling the need for a normal relationship, and maybe a family? There's no easy way to solve this. There's the hard way and there's the prolonged hard way.

Something you may also want to consider at this point is if it's worth wasting all this time? Be honest with what you think the outcome may be and really think about the time that you are investing in this relationship.

As for the contract you both signed. People sometimes have more ties than this to the other person, and if they need to end the relationship, mortgages, jobs, shared bank accounts/vehicules/dogs/cats (even children sometimes) have to be put aside in making this decision. Yes, it will be complicated to address the issues that will arise but the longer you put it off, the more complicated it becomes. There is just no 'good time' to decide you may want to separate from someone.

And although he was honest from the start, his need is very selfish which is why you should really be putting yourself first in deciding what you want, you are entitled to that in this situation. Think about what you want, what you need, what makes you happy and what doesn't.

talaniman · Dec 8, 2008, 09:08 PM

If you already think you've made a mistake, then correct it, and be true to yourself.

Crap, or get off the pot.

somegirlsdo · Dec 9, 2008, 09:12 AM

If we didn't have to move I would do what dragonfly said and tell him we can just be friends... that I have decided that a monogamous relationship is what I need. BUT I can't back out of moving now. We have accepted this job... and we can't get out of it now... if we do it will cost us both thousands of dollars. He didn't do anything wrong. My friends who put their necks out and got us this work and a place to live and stuff would kill me if I backed out now. We both left our jobs and sold our houses and all of our belongings to make this journey together.

Im thinking I should just try the 3/4 some and if it doesn't work out then say... we go on this journey as friends only. Bad part is we will be living together.

talaniman · Dec 9, 2008, 09:46 AM

Until you decide what's more important, and what you want, no amount of advice will help.

Maybe just being honest now, will allow you to avoid doing what you don't want to do (?) and just be room mates with a working relationship.

I suspect though that even though your not sure, your up for the lifestyle.

somegirlsdo · Dec 9, 2008, 10:01 AM

Originally Posted by talaniman

Maybe just being honest now, will allow you to avoid doing what you don't want to do (?) and just be room mates with a working relationship.

I suspect though that even though your not sure, your up for the lifestyle.

This "roommates with aworking relationship" could work but we only have 1 room with 1 bed between us.

Im having a really hard time with my sexuality... I know that I am attracted to women but am having such a hard time accepting this. I find it embarrassing or something?

I know that I can have sex with people and its just sex. If I know these things about myself then why can't I know this about him?

jmw0713 · Dec 9, 2008, 10:10 AM

Because you have now formed an emotional connection with this guy. That's what happens with casual sex. After a while someone will always form feelings and get hurt. I don't think this a healthy situation for you emotionally and you need to either go, or accept it for what it is.

roxypox · Dec 9, 2008, 11:47 AM

Its different now, between you that is. You have an actual relationship, with a bond between you.

Could it be that you are uncomfortable with your sexuality b\c its (at times and in some places) regarded as not acceptable? I have a sister who's gay, but who is also a homo-phoebe. Drives her crazy. (not towards insanity, but in a general way)

Even though you were okay with the 3\40somes in the beginning, doesn't imply that you have to be okay with it now. Its okay to change your mind! Besides in the beginning you were friends, and you liked it as well and that probably made it seem okay, but now you're more serious and you're even moving to another country together and you'll be living together and that changes things!

Is it possible for one of you to live in the living room? Or to have two single beds in the bed room? Or to possibly get a bigger apt?

roxypox · Dec 9, 2008, 04:28 PM

Besides isn't there an ikea in e vefry country? (I don't know which country you're moving to) but either it's cheap to start with or there is an ikea... that's my philosophy :P