[confused2504]

Hey,

My problem is I had been with my partner for three and a half years. We even got engaged in December 2003. However being from a ethnic background, my father disapproved of my choice of partner. However from our love for each other we conquered all. But we broke up four weeks ago. We fought like cats and dogs the past few months and would basically go overboard with our fights. Most fights were over my father because he wasn't so accepting (all my other family was) and other fights were how we treated each other. We got to a point of being that complacent with each other we thought we could do anything to each other (not real bad like cheating or anything, but just treat each other really bad and not respect eachother). My ex fiancée was the one who broke it off and I was devastated. I don't think there has been a day since I have not cried. Well a lot of factors came into it, and he basically said to me that he wasn't happy and didn't think we would last. I didn't accept it, I mean which relationship is fun and flowers everyday. But he said it was best we end it because he didn't want us to end in divorce. Well in the end I had to accept it because he was serious. It has now been four weeks and he has called to try and work it out. I have been reluctant and because its been a month I'm scared to go back into the relationship and go back to how we were. He says that I'm giving up and not giving it a chance. (But he broke it off with me, and I was begging him not to go but he did, who gave up then?)Why didn't he want to work it out then? Now he has put the ball back in my court and saying we should give it a chance. I told him I didn't want to go back and I was confused, he said he respected my decision but then he started crying and was saying sarcastically I should be a good little girl and listen to my dad and marry someone who my dad approves and basically being cruel to me. I think I have fought for him. I mean going against my fathers wishes was a big thing for me, and besides my dad was coming round to accept it. Every one in my family thought he was great guy and showed he loved me by sticking it out. Other guys would run a mile at the first site of hard obstacles. But my ex doesn't think that it was a big deal, and he doesn't understand. There are so many other things with our relationship that were good and bad, but I don't know when love is not enough for a relationship to work.

I know he was acting out because he was upset,(about the comments above) but its really making me question whether I have done the right thing. Is he right? I don't care what my father thought in the end. I loved this guy and did all that I could for him. Im not perfect, I stuffed up big times on some issues too. (My ex reminds me of them also when we are fighting.) I mean we had a lot of great times and some bad times, but all I can think of is how scared I am to give it a chance again. I mean we have broken up a few times over separate issues, and a part of me is also thinking it shouldn't take a person over a month to realise they want to be with someone!! Why would he do that? He said that he had time to think? Well why did he break it off then? He said that he was 100% sure when he thought we should break up, but now he isn't? Will he in four weeks time again tell me its best if we break up again and not call me until he thinks he we should try again? And we will keep on being on this rollar coaster? My heart can't take this up and down. I'm really confused. My heart is broken and I'm crying all the time, and I don't want to go through it again. I'm scared to take that chance.. but then I'm also scared I'm missing out on one. Why does love have to be so hard? Please help me. Im really depressed.

[chicki]

Wow.. that's a really tough situation... who wouldn't be scared? Who would really want to risk it all?

I know I was.

I mean, my boyfriend and I have been together for four years when we started fighting and arguing so bad. We finally broke up, well he broke up with me. I was devastated. So much drama went on but when he asked me back, I really questioned myself if I want to risk being hurt again.

The question now is how much do you love him?

Do you see yourself spending your life with him and no one else?

If the answer is no to both questions then you made the right decision. Move on, stay strong.

But if the answer is yes... then, you have to take that risk. I understand that you're hurt but if you love him, then by all means get back with him. It's going to take a lot of work from the both of you, and there's going to be pain... as well as great times. You said it yourself, a relationship is not all "fun and flowers."

He was confused. He needed time, that's why he needed that break. I know he hurt you and I know you feel like, there was really no point to that break up. But everyone makes mistakes.

Maybe, if you're really not ready. Tell him the situation. Explain to him how much your break up hurt you. Ask him if he's willing to wait until you're ready to commit your heart and soul again...

I really hope everything works out. I hope I helped. Let me know if I misunderstood anything. I really think he loves you. Sometimes it takes a "break" for someone to realize what they have. A year after me and my boyfriend got back together, I can't say that its perfect.. but it has definitely improved. But it's a work in progress. Love may not be enough to make a relationship work, because there are other factors to make it work. Love is the central foundation, but you need respect, trust, patience and understanding. You know all this... its just that sometimes, pain and anger blocks all the great possibilities. Who can blame you though for being so cautious... no one can. Its understandable.

But if you love him, think about it. Sometimes, true love only comes around once in a lifetime. What if he's the one? Then you have lost him forever.

Take care.

[confused2504]

Thanks very much for your advice. It was a big help.
You hit the nail on the head. I have agreed to talk to him. It will be slow process and I'm not jumping fast into anything. We have a lot to talk about. I just know if I don't find out answers to my doubts and questions I will be living my life with "what if's" At least if I talk to him and find out what went wrong and if we can fix our relationship, we both will be better people for it and be able to sleep at night.

I couldn't bare the thought of not being able to say I tried my hardest to give the relationship that last go. And although Im scared.. I know that if we were meant to be togther it will work out.. if not then I will know that to. I won't have any regrets for not trying, and be able to walk away with satisfied that I did all I could. I have nothing to lose. Your right in saying it could be my last chance. Sometimes people aren't meant to be with each other but you have to visit all aspects before totally giving up. Maybe he was confused when he wanted to break it off? so talking about our issues will be the best thing for us and which ever way it goes we will have no regrets.

Thanks so much for your advice.

[chicki]

Glad its slowly working out. Let it be a learning process but don't dive in so quickly. Don't make it as a getting back together process, but try the getting to know each other again approach. Don't expect a happily ever after love story.. but I've always seen things to be as its not the end unless it's a happy ending as corny as that sounds. Even if lets say you don't end up with him, you will have a happy ending because you will learn more about yourself, you may find the one somewhere down the road right? Anyway take care.

[Jahiem28]

Hello there sorry to hear your having trouble in your relationship life. Being scare to start all over again is normal. Your heart was broken and you do not want to experience that pain again. I think u guys have a lot of issues to work out. Whenever your family members get involve in your relationship it going to cause many problems. Your family is your support group and should allow u to be happy and live your life. Sit down and talk about it take thing slow and take one day at a time. Take care good luck!