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blueshadow_393 · Oct 19, 2006, 07:36 AM

Entire story merged

Hi, my question starts with a story.
Me and this guy have been hanging out a lot. We talk on the phone every night and we hang out and do stuff together, but just as friends. He has a girlfriend, but he never talks about her. One night we went out and just hung out as friends together, but the next day rumors started floating around about us. That night he calls me and makes sure were on the "same page" and that we are only friends and he wants to be only friends for a very long friendly time. After that sure I was crushed, but we bacame closer than ever, our talks on the phone grew longer and more intimate, and he would leave his other friends to talk to me. He is amazing and everything we do we have in common, I love him, but I'm so confused about his feelings. What do you think?

shygrneyzs · Oct 19, 2006, 07:45 AM

Originally Posted by blueshadow_393

Hi, my question starts with a story.
Me and this guy have been hanging out alot. We talk on the phone everynight and we hang out and do stuff together, but just as friends. He has a girlfriend, but he never talks about her. One night we went out and just hung out as friends together, but the next day rumors started floating around about us. That night he calls me and makes sure were on the "same page" and that we are only friends and he wants to be only friends for a very long friendly time. After that sure I was crushed, but we bacame closer than ever, our talks on the phone grew longer and more intimate, and he would leave his other friends to talk to me. He is amazing and everything we do we have in common, I love him, but im so confused about his feelings. What do you think?

Whatever you do, do not push the relationship for more than "just friendship". That would be the most quick way to end the friendship. Count it as a blessing to have someone llike this guy being able to relate to you and you to him on what seems to be a best friend level. Females and males can be great friends without being more than that. Enjoy the relationship and do not limit yourself in seeking another male relationship that might grow into love. I believe that if something is supposed to happen between you and your friend, then let nature take it's course. Good luck to you.

Mahlia513 · Oct 19, 2006, 08:12 AM

You're totally going to end up being "the other woman" in this situation and I've been the girlfriend here before and it sucks. You don't know how much in love they are or what kind of girl she is. Be honest with yourself about whether you have more then "friend" feelings for him. You need to let them be and maybe you could still be friends like talk on the phone once in a while but no hanging out. If he really likes you then he'll break it off with the other girl and go for you. You should deff back off though

s_cianci · Oct 19, 2006, 06:05 PM

Well, you say he has a girlfriend. You don't want to be "plan B" ; that's not fair to you. Also I'm, not at all sure it's reasonable for you to expect him to leave his girlfriend for you. He really just isn't available, pure and simple. Actually that may be just the reason you're so attracted to him. I'd back off for now and leave some space between you. See how he reacts to that. He may start becoming all the more attentive or he may just likewise back off himself. Either way, you'll have your answer.

Skell · Oct 19, 2006, 10:27 PM

We can only go on what you tell us Blueshadow and it certainly appears as though you are his 'other girl'. Is that what you want?

You say you have intimate phone conversations with him? Does he tell his girlfriend about these? I bet he doesn't!

If you love him and have true feelings for him then you need to tell him as such. I'm not usually one to advise people coming out with there feelings straight up but I think in this case he probably already knows. I think you just tell him the truth. That you like him a little more than friends.
He certainly isn't somoene id be too keen on though. He has agf but spends a lot of time with you. And a lot of his emotional outpouring seems to be with you.

Why not his GF?

If he doesn't share these feelings for you then you need to cut contact with him straight away. You can't be friends with him if you love him.

It sounds as though you two have the basis of a good relationship. You get on well and are 'friends'. There is one massive problem though. He has a girlfriend...

How old are you two? Young I'm gathering?

Oh yeah and don't get angry with Mahlia just because she said something you didn't want to hear.
Her advice was actually very good!

talaniman · Oct 20, 2006, 02:32 AM

I understand having friend of the opposite sex but just my opinion, you want more. What happens when his g/f insists he leave you alone? I can see he spends way too much time with you and I don't think its fair to his g/f at all. How can he spend all this time with you and have a g/f? Something is not right here and I hope you will set boundries for this friendship, and you don't let your love for him lead you down the wrong path. I know what you really want to know is does he feel the same for you as you feel for him. NO!! Sorry.

blueshadow_393 · Oct 24, 2006, 05:56 PM

I was just wondering, how do you know when I guy is interested in you? And how do you know when he isn't or simply when he doesn't want to see you anymore?

Skell · Oct 24, 2006, 06:28 PM

Is the same guy as the one in your other thread that has the girlfriend??

I say back off. Did you take th advioce in the other thread.

talaniman · Oct 25, 2006, 12:10 PM

If he is interested he will be on best behavior to impress you.
If he isn't interested then he acts like you don't exist
If he runs when he sees you that would be a clue he wants nothing to do with you.

If he has a g/f and is pursuing you then he is a player and anything that happens is totally your problem (I almost said fault)
I'll just throw in some free advice - They can only treat you as bad as you let them -

Sentra · Oct 25, 2006, 12:15 PM

Look at it this way: Many men will treat the next woman as they did the last; you better like what you see before you start worrying about something that could end up turning into nothing.

velvetjones · Oct 25, 2006, 02:18 PM

Ask him, but be ready to take the "good" or "bad".

blueshadow_393 · Nov 11, 2006, 12:17 AM

For all of you who read my other one, guess what, he broke up with his girl friend, so I was wondering how long you guys think we should wait before getting into anything relationship wise, my friend says 2 weeks, do you agree?

If you have any questions, ask away.

talaniman · Nov 11, 2006, 08:56 AM

I read your other post,
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ove-37950.html
I didn't think it right at that time for you to be spending so much time with some one who was already committed as he seemed to be cheating on his g/f with you. (just friends? Yeah right) The likely hood of the same thing being done to you is quite high, so I advise you to leave him alone. You of all people know what he is capable of, and would you as his new g/f mind if he was just a friend to another female, as he was to you? Think hard about this. Do you see any red flags here or not? Be honest with yourself.

valinors_sorrow · Nov 11, 2006, 09:21 AM

It is wishful thinking at best and your belief in what I call "terminal uniqueness" that says, "Oh, but not me!" It is foolish to say "But this time will be different" when there is nothing substantially tangible supporting that premise. This is supposedly how "love makes us blind" but I contend we blind ourselves first by willfully squeezing our eyes tightly shut just before we dive right in. LOL It's a kind of "I want what I want so be damned the reality of it" approach. Forgive me but I have yet to see that work out... it certainly didn't for me. If becoming aware of the bigger picture and learning to accommodate that is what you mean by "smart ones", then perhaps we are -- is it not better to hear this from those who succeeded since they obviously did what worked? (Winks at Tal)

blueshadow_393 · Nov 11, 2006, 10:42 AM

Well first things first, I love him a hundred times more now then when I posted my first question. Also things with his girlfriend had been pretty bad for a long time, we never did anything "more then friendly" when we were together. Also I'm the only one he's done this with, so please take this into consideration, and no that I'm not going to leave him, and definanlty not now. Also to point out neither of you answered my question.

Geoffersonairplane · Nov 11, 2006, 11:12 AM

Hi Blueshadow,

Read your previous thread..

To answer your question, I don't believe that him entering into a relationship with you 2 weeks after he splits from his ex is a sensible option. Could this then be a rebound relationship. He needs time to sort out his feelings, why rush from one relationship to another? What issues are there in his current relationship which are going to be automatically solved by simply jumping into a new one so fast.

I am not questioning the fact that you may be a good alternative to his current partner, because I don't know enough about the situation to give a critical opinion about it.

I think you cannot ignore the fact that he has been at least in an emotional sense, cheating on his current g/friend with yourself. I am not suggesting anything more is happening but when someone is showing so much attention to another person while still in a relationship, this is certainly not a good sign for future behaviour.

What I am saying is that the character traits he is showing now by not being honest with his current girlfriend, are a good indication of how he would treat you in similar circumstances in the future should things start to fall apart.

At the end of the day, it is your choice if you start a relationship with him so soon, but beware of the signs and try to step back and view this from the point of view of his current girlfriend and perhaps put yourself in her position?

Take Care whatever you decide to do!!

talaniman · Nov 11, 2006, 11:56 AM

Originally Posted by blueshadow_393

for all of you who read my other one, guess what, he broke up with his girl friend, so i was wondering how long you guys think we should wait before getting into anything relationship wise, my friend says 2 weeks, do you agree?

No. This is too build up your emotions by having you count the minutes. Sorry but I've seen too many people played like this before. But you love him and believe anything he says so only you can find out the truth. Pay attention to the red flags. Sorry you don't think I answered your question before or you didn't want to hear what was written. He is a player and a good one. Be careful.

If you have read my posts, my advice is about healing from disastrous relationships. Getting healthy is so important to making good decisions about ones life and happiness. If you've read other posts in the relationship forum, the posters come here to know what they should do to get over a lost love or how to recover. In your case, if you reread the other responses they see it as I do. From what you have posted you have been hanging around as a friend, because you were hoping for more. The same with your previous posts. Reread them both and the responses you got and then tell me I am the only one to come to the conclusion that this is not a healthy friendship let alone has a chance for a happy ending as a relationship. Seems everyone can see the red flags but you. Sorry No on is here to tell you what you want to hear but everyone will give their opinion based on what you have written. In the end it is your call. So don't be upset with me or anyone else because they don't see it the way you do. All I want is for people to know that they can be healthy and happy.

blueshadow_393 · Nov 11, 2006, 11:59 PM

Again you neatly dodged my question well done. And also I'm not upset by your replys, don't think I haven't seen these flags too and I worry also about how our realationship would work out and if it would last, but I guess I came here looking for hope and all a found was reason to despair.

JoeCanada76 · Nov 12, 2006, 12:46 AM

Your question was is two weeks too soon. Damn straight it is too soon. Yes, it is too soon. You wanted an answer and now you have it. Right. Well I think you should wait. Longer. Although it is your final decision on what decisions you make for your life just remember. The decisions you make now will have an effect on your future good or bad.

Joe

Even if there are bad experiances. I do believe it creates character as long as there is learning involved in these life lessons. Some people like to learn the hard way.

talaniman · Nov 12, 2006, 04:11 AM

I came here looking for hope and all a found was reason to despair.

No blueshadow, there is no reason to despair at all Just think about what you do before you do it. Information is always there for us to use, but we have to use good judgement and we must be healthy to begin with. I actually hope some one comes back and tells me how wrong I am, and how happy they are. That would make my day. Again I say do what you must, its your life, just be careful. As for my story ,Just click on my name and read the information.