[ohheythere]

I feel incredibly weird doing this, but I don't know where else to go. I think I really messed up one of the best friendships I had. We met last year in grad school and hit it off right away. I ended up moving in halfway through the year, and we spent tons of time together. We had a lot of classes, and hung out when we got home. Even this summer we chatted like every day. It was never too much.

At the end of the summer, there was one night where I wasn't invited out with the rest of the group. I totally got inside my head and thought "well maybe they don't want to be around me." When they got back and asked me to go out, I stupidly said "sure, i've just been sitting here alone all night." I didn't mean to, but I did. And that was the beginning. Things started to get weird . I was just having a bad few weeks in general, but it doesn't seem like she understood that. I found out that she and some of my other friends were talking about me, calling me "crazy" , etc. I know I can be clingy, and I think that was the case at the end of the summer, but I tried to correct that behavior. We talked 2 weeks ago and I apologized for being weird and all, and she also acknowledged the tension. I thought that was it and everything would be okay, but I recently saw a text message that indicated differently. I know that things are still being said about me. I'm trying to just brush it off because honestly, if I were in her situation I would probably say some things about myself, too. The problem is that we had the same friend circle and I'm worried that the talking behind my back is just fueling the fire.

I don't want her to think that she's my only friend, or that she can only hang out with me. I've said this. I understand. I'm not crazy. But tonight, I found out she lied to me again--she said she was going to hang out with one of her old friends for the night, but really went to a mutual friend's house. I couldn't care less if they want to hang out without me--that's pretty normal, right? But the fact that she lied makes me really uncomfortable with the situation. Then again, she might be just trying to avoid stirring up the tension again, you know? Which I can understand. I feel like she's waiting for me to slip back into what I term "the bad place," which I have no intention of doing. But because of that, I think every little thing I do is viewed in that lens, which isn't good.

Despite this, things had started to seem back to normal-ish since last week... although we definitely don't have the same relationship we did where we didn't annoy each other and genuinely liked the company of one another. And this is the part that kills me, because we had such a fun relationship and I'm worried that it won't be back to normal.

I tend to be one to try to "fix" things, but I'm trying very hard not to do that because I know it probably isn't the best idea. I know space is good, but at the same time I'm afraid the space is just going to lead to her talking more about me and hating me. Which may just be my insecurity.


I suppose I'm just looking for some advice. In my heart, I feel that this person is a good friend, someone who I can count on. And I know what I did to strain the relationship, but I'm wondering if it's possible to get back on track, you know? Any sort of help would be greatly appreciated. Thank you very much!

[ohheythere]

I didn't write this in there but I really don't want to lose this friend. And I'm terrified about this.

[happytohelptoday]

"At the end of the summer, there was one night where I wasn't invited out with the rest of the group. I totally got inside my head and thought "well maybe they don't want to be around me." When they got back and asked me to go out, I stupidly said "sure, I've just been sitting here alone all night." I didn't mean to, but I did. And that was the beginning."

Honestly, I would have been hurt if my group of friends went out and didn't invite me either. I don't think what you said was bad at all. Sounds like you were getting your point across that you were a bit upset the group went out without inviting you. I suggest asking your friend to lunch or dinner and discussing your concerns / friendship.

All friendships are mendable :)

[ohheythere]

Thanks for the quick response! Well, after we discussed the issue, it turned out that she wasn't in charge of the inviting and didn't really know what was going on, so that's where I think I got inside my head too much. It really wasn't her fault--I just made it a big deal. And if I hadn't, none of this would have happened.

I believe all friendships are mendable, I just don't know how to go about it. And if I talk to her again, it annoys her because we technically worked things out. I don't want to be "that girl" who keeps bringing up stuff from the past. I don't know what to do. Maybe I'm just stressed out over nothing.

[happytohelptoday]

Probably space and time. I know you said a concern is the "talking bad" as you are giving her the space. Maybe try to compliment her, bring up past fun times once in a while, if you are going to the store see if she needs anything. I would think treating someone so nice would make it a bit harder for them the bad mouth you when you are not around.

[talaniman]

Back off, and reassess this situation while the emotional dust settles. Balance your life with other things besides this circle.

[ohheythere]

That's my plan. It's just so hard, because I have no idea what will happen. I wish I could see how things will turn out in the future, or could go back and fix that one night. And then I wonder how much space is appropriate--we live together, and things in the apartment are okay as of now. I don't want to back off completely in a really weird way, but I also don't want to invade space.


I just want my best friend back.

[Boristheblade]

Can I ask if you're a boy or girl please? Because I think slightly different dynamics would be at play regarding what gender you are..

[ohheythere]

I'm a girl. Sorry about that. And I'm a grad student, though this whole scenario seems so high school, which is completely lame... I know.

[Boristheblade]

Ok, if you were male it would have different dynamics in my opinion. In that case I agree with advice given, mainly by Tal and leave some space and time before trying to adress/re-adress the issue.

[Guidostern]

That's my plan. It's just so hard, because I have no idea what will happen. I wish I could see how things will turn out in the future, or could go back and fix that one night. And then I wonder how much space is appropriate--we live together, and things in the apartment are okay as of now. I dont want to back off completely in a really weird way, but I also don't want to invade space.


I just want my best friend back.

It sounds like you're worried about controlling what happens with this... the thing is, neither one of you has control over it. Don't live with the regrets about that night... just learn from it and go on...

I can tell you from personal experience that happy is exactly right, all friendships are repairable... I gave up on one of my friends about 3 years ago because he was abusing his girlfriend... now it's three years later and he's helping me through my breakup... don't worry about it so much... things will work out...

Just find some friends outside of this circle... go out with them a couple nights a week.. that's going to give the two of you the space you need, plus they will all wonder what you're up to... after a few weeks, things will probably be back to normal... just don't beat yourself up about it.