Can a friendship go back to normal after a weird tension?
I feel incredibly weird doing this, but I don't know where else to go. I think I really messed up one of the best friendships I had. We met last year in grad school and hit it off right away. I ended up moving in halfway through the year, and we spent tons of time together. We had a lot of classes, and hung out when we got home. Even this summer we chatted like every day. It was never too much.
At the end of the summer, there was one night where I wasn't invited out with the rest of the group. I totally got inside my head and thought "well maybe they don't want to be around me." When they got back and asked me to go out, I stupidly said "sure, i've just been sitting here alone all night." I didn't mean to, but I did. And that was the beginning. Things started to get weird . I was just having a bad few weeks in general, but it doesn't seem like she understood that. I found out that she and some of my other friends were talking about me, calling me "crazy" , etc. I know I can be clingy, and I think that was the case at the end of the summer, but I tried to correct that behavior. We talked 2 weeks ago and I apologized for being weird and all, and she also acknowledged the tension. I thought that was it and everything would be okay, but I recently saw a text message that indicated differently. I know that things are still being said about me. I'm trying to just brush it off because honestly, if I were in her situation I would probably say some things about myself, too. The problem is that we had the same friend circle and I'm worried that the talking behind my back is just fueling the fire.
I don't want her to think that she's my only friend, or that she can only hang out with me. I've said this. I understand. I'm not crazy. But tonight, I found out she lied to me again--she said she was going to hang out with one of her old friends for the night, but really went to a mutual friend's house. I couldn't care less if they want to hang out without me--that's pretty normal, right? But the fact that she lied makes me really uncomfortable with the situation. Then again, she might be just trying to avoid stirring up the tension again, you know? Which I can understand. I feel like she's waiting for me to slip back into what I term "the bad place," which I have no intention of doing. But because of that, I think every little thing I do is viewed in that lens, which isn't good.
Despite this, things had started to seem back to normal-ish since last week... although we definitely don't have the same relationship we did where we didn't annoy each other and genuinely liked the company of one another. And this is the part that kills me, because we had such a fun relationship and I'm worried that it won't be back to normal.
I tend to be one to try to "fix" things, but I'm trying very hard not to do that because I know it probably isn't the best idea. I know space is good, but at the same time I'm afraid the space is just going to lead to her talking more about me and hating me. Which may just be my insecurity.
I suppose I'm just looking for some advice. In my heart, I feel that this person is a good friend, someone who I can count on. And I know what I did to strain the relationship, but I'm wondering if it's possible to get back on track, you know? Any sort of help would be greatly appreciated. Thank you very much!
