[ahenus]

My father has put me down and insulted me my whole life. He thinks it is funny. Often the insult comes in front of other people and he says it like a joke. Growing up, I didn't realize the affect it had on me. I would call myself a loser, fat, stupid or whatever. Luckily, someone told me how awful it is to say those things about myself. It didn't even occur to me that I was doing it. The minute I stopped, my life changed. I have really come to love myself and I have an amazing husband and beautiful child. Recently, I moved back to the same area as my parents. I tried to have a healthy relationship with my father. I told him how his insults affected me. I asked him to stop. I set my boundaries. I thought he was making progress when he admitted to me that he is passive aggressive and that his father treated him this way. After being back only 3 months, the insults came back and now they included my husband and son. That crossed the line for me. I don't know that I can even have a relationship with him. It is clear he doesn't respect me or my family. I feel very alone because my siblings and my mother act as though it is my fault. They are not supportive at all. I feel depressed and as though the wind has been let out of my sail. How do I get it back? How do I have a relationship with my family and not my father? Can I STOP his behavior? I know you can't change people but I can't have a relationship with him unless he changes his behavior. With Thankgiving approaching, my whole family will be at my father's house, and I will be not. I'm devastated that I made this huge move and am still left out.

[shygrneyzs]

Your Father was a victim and now is the victimizer. A familiar pattern. Your Mother enables him to act that way by not challenging him to be more appropriate. Perhaps he intimidates her. You cannot fix that situation. What you can do, is what you have done, tell him how you feel and how his words have affected you and your family. You do not have to keep in contact with him and you can tell him and your Mother and siblings why.

Time to make your own traditions with your husband and family. Thanksgiving can be special for you. You can be as creative as you want in making that day meaningful for your family. Same with Christmas and birthdays and any other occasion. You can invite your parents - WITH the expressed condition that you will not tolerate any verbal/emotional abuse from your Father - whether he directs it at you or your husband or your children. The minute he would start in, he HAS to leave. No exceptions. Zero tolerance. This is where you take control and keep your boundaries.

Wishing you the very best. It would not hurt if you sought some counseling for all that is bottled up inside you. It would reaffirm that making healthy choices for yourself and your family is your priority. Take care.