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zeeniee · Feb 8, 2009, 06:46 AM

I have a friend in the UK- that world with the social services- she has been my friend for 15 years- would you like me to give you her email- maybe she can help you- as she works in this field- or at least she will be able to point you to a right direction and this way your options will open up?

zeeniee · Feb 8, 2009, 06:48 AM

I think my friends advice would be useful to you- as I am no expert. Let me know if you would like that and I will forward you the email and I will drop her a email as well, letting her know I recommended her to you.

zeeniee · Feb 8, 2009, 06:52 AM

I tried to send you a private message- but it said you choose not to have any messages- maybe you need to change your settings?

Ambreen28 · Feb 8, 2009, 06:53 AM

Originally Posted by zeeniee

I think my friends advice would be useful to you- as i am no expert. Let me know if you would like that and i will forward you the email and i will drop her a email as well, letting her know i recommended her to you.

I have a social worker, she helped me so much she got me away from everything and also put me in a ashram before and from there I got a house and I am settled I rather be alone away from a lot of people.
But can you advice me zeenie I want to leave him I can do it today but Should I let him have contact with them on a regular basis?

zeeniee · Feb 8, 2009, 06:55 AM

Okay so you have a safe place to live?

If that is the case - do what is right for you and your kids.

I think regarding the contact situation, you may need to seek proper advice from your social worker- what has she advised you?

zeeniee · Feb 8, 2009, 06:58 AM

It sounds like this man has not treated you fair and so I would leave him on that account. But as you have kids with him, that you will need proper and legal advice and of course what you think is the right thing to do for your kids. Think about YOU and the KIDS for the long term and make your decision.

Good luck.

Ambreen28 · Feb 8, 2009, 07:06 AM

Originally Posted by zeeniee

It sounds like this man has not treated you fair and so i would leave him on that account. But as you have kids with him, that you will need proper and legal advice and of course what you think is the right thing to do for your kids. Think about YOU and the KIDS for the long term and make your decision.

Good luck.

He is not violent and he does support the kids, food, money clothing etc I will have to sit and talk things through with him. I have changed settings so you can try now and thank you so much.

zeeniee · Feb 8, 2009, 07:20 AM

Just tried and I got the below:

Maybe the administerator can help?

I will email again later. Take care

Ambreen28 has chosen not to receive private messages or may not be allowed to receive private messages. Therefore you may not send your message to him/her.

zeeniee · Feb 8, 2009, 07:23 AM

Just sent you an email- and I think it went through

talaniman · Feb 8, 2009, 07:34 AM

I know you have no family, and I wonder is that your choice or theirs? I think an older trusted female to talk to could help a lot, and maybe bring you out of that isolation your in, and more independent, and show more love for yourself.

Just me, but your adopted family is still a source of love, and support, and you don't have to accept the attentions of a married man to be loved. What's going on with them and you?

Ambreen28 · Feb 8, 2009, 09:29 AM

Originally Posted by talaniman

I know you have no family, and I wonder is that your choice or theirs?? I think an older trusted female to talk to could help a lot, and maybe bring you out of that isolation your in, and more independent, and show more love for yourself.

Just me, but your adopted family is still a source of love, and support, and you don't have to accept the attentions of a married man to be loved. Whats going on with them and you?

Well I left and after a while we got in touch with each other and I thought things would be OK, on my 19th birthday my real dad came looking for me and I am sure you understand at this point I was angry with every one and every thing. The family told him where I lived and he came obviously I was in shock, never ever saw him in my life before. We spoke but I got no answers about my mothers where abouts, after a while he told me she had passed away and he had another women and kids elsewere, I felt even hurt I thought he is able to bring them kids up but then why not me?

He was always drunk and would get angry at any questions I would ask him about my mum. We stayed in touch for abit but he kept going awol then coming back. He would be violent towards me he even threw a broken beer bottle at me and scard my face. Even after that I let him in again and again and we kept arguing and he was violent wenever we'd argue.

I moved from that house only becau7e I had a daughter and I didn't want her to witness all this, if he really cared he would have made a effort but no he would rather drink and look after hi7 kids elsewhere.

Ambreen28 · Feb 8, 2009, 09:31 AM

Sorry there are afew spelling mistakes.

talaniman · Feb 8, 2009, 10:02 AM

I can really understand your situation, and feel that being single, and working to make your own life is a better plan than the one your in. Not easy to overcome all that pain, and disappointment you have been through, but loving yourself, and getting busy on you, is the way to go.

Alty · Feb 8, 2009, 12:09 PM

Originally Posted by zeeniee

Just tried and i got the below:

Maybe the administerator can help?

I will email again later. Take care

Ambreen28 has chosen not to receive private messages or may not be allowed to receive private messages. Therefore you may not send your message to him/her.

As a newbie she cannot receive PM's yet. Just fyi.

firmbeliever · Feb 9, 2009, 10:29 AM

Assalaam alaikum Ambreen,

I am sorry to hear you had such a hard time growing up and being with a family other than your own parents.

It must be hard looking after your children on your own,but it is wonderful that you are trying to give them a better life by being there for them and not abandoning them for any reason.

About your situation with a married man-
I am not sure if it is the right decision to be looking to marry even before you are properly divorced.Maybe this would be a right time for you to sit back and look at the situation.

Whether a muslim can marry more than one wife or not, it is not right for the man or woman to be having a relationship while married.

If this man is having an affair while married, how can you be sure that he will not turn to an affair with another woman after marrying you?
If he was a good muslim, he would wait until your divorce is finalised, and then marry you and provide for you as his legal wife.

Marriages with more than one wife is a complicated matter in any situation,in your case there is so much more to be considered with the kids and your emotional needs.
If you could go in for counseling or therapy I would recommend it,as you have emotional issues that needs to be addressed before going into another marriage.

Some questions for you to ponder.
Is it right for your kids to be introduced into this new situation?New dad at this moment in their lives?Are they ready for this?
Is it the right time for you to be in a complicated relationship right after a divorce?
Is there any need for urgency in marrying another man?Are you in financial distress?

Hope you will think this through,get professional help and then make an informed choice whether to marry or not.

Wa alaikum salaam

Ambreen28 · Feb 10, 2009, 02:22 PM

Originally Posted by firmbeliever

Assalaam alaikum Ambreen, I am sorry to hear you had such a hard time growing up and being with a family other than your own parents. It must be hard looking after your children on your own,but it is wonderful that you are trying to give them a better life by being there for them and not abandoning them for any reason. About your situation with a married man- I am not sure if it is the right decision to be looking to marry even before you are properly divorced.Maybe this would be a right time for you to sit back and look at the situation. Whether a muslim can marry more than one wife or not, it is not right for the man or woman to be having a relationship while married. If this man is having an affair while married, how can you be sure that he will not turn to an affair with another woman after marrying you? If he was a good muslim, he would wait until your divorce is finalised, and then marry you and provide for you as his legal wife. Marriages with more than one wife is a complicated matter in any situation,in your case there is so much more to be considered with the kids and your emotional needs. If you could go in for counseling or therapy I would recommend it,as you have emotional issues that needs to be addressed before going into another marriage. Some questions for you to ponder. Is it right for your kids to be introduced into this new situation?New dad at this moment in their lives?Are they ready for this? Is it the right time for you to be in a complicated relationship right after a divorce? Is there any need for urgency in marrying another man?Are you in financial distress? Hope you will think this through,get professional help and then make an informed choice whether to marry or not. Wa alaikum salaam

Wa alaikum salaam Firmbeliever.. Thank you for your advice. Everything you mentioned was right. I have thought about all those things, I don't think I will ever be ready to marry again, now I just want to sort my life out and try and forget the past for my Kids sake. I am sure you understand at every point in your life your past comes to your head and sometimes sets you back. Talking about my boyfriend he told everyone about us even his wife and now when I told him I don't want you, he has been missing for a few days he has not been to his wife's house and neither has he come here, so that's situation helped itself out. Thanks once again.

Saphire_2 · Jun 24, 2010, 05:30 PM

I am not a muslim, but I have a lot of friends who are. I can only say, choose another man, preferably someone without a wife! He obviously lied and it is very convenient in his situation. You do come across as being a bit insecure about yourself and the whole situation? I honnestly think that if he disrespects yr home by coming in and out whenever he pleases.. I know it sounds silly, but move somewhere else.If you keep being around him and his wife, you will always have problems with them.Especially if he thinks it it´s OK, despite yr complaints.
Find another area and work on yr selfesteem! If you keep falling for married men,despite yr intentions, then maybe you think it is comfortable being w a married man. Try to make a list why you like married men in oppose to unmarried men. Maybe it seems scary for y to engage w unmarried men for whatever reason, which you should find out why. Face yr challenges dear, one of them being w an unmarried man. When y face yr problems the fear goes away and y become stronger.Make up yor mind whether y want a married man or not, and stick to that decission! Life is too short to walk in circles.
Ciao