[puccini]

I'm an investigator. I conduct surveillances all the time. Some people cheat once, learn a lesson, never happens again.

Others are serial cheaters.

It's hard to know the difference.

Well it's not hard to know the difference: you defined it yourself - some people cheat once, others are repeat offenders.

If you mean its hard to tell a serial cheater from a one-off cheater then I would disagree, even at times on a superficial level. But fortunately, those needing to be informed will have access to deeper levels of intimacy to make that judgement and be provided insight into the circumstances of its occurrence.

[talaniman]

This would be a good time to separate yourself from the situation just to let the dust settle and get your head and feelings together. You have done enough hardcore decision making for yourself.

As to cheaters, man you can only know what you know now, more will be revealed later, but no matter what she was thinking, you don't just jump back into a boiling pot once you have escaped. Hurt feelings and regrets aside, fact is she did cheat, and it may take years of hard work and effort to get over it, and that's without her. Do nothing until YOU are ready, and you are NOT!!

Rebounds feel good for you but not fair for anyone else in the state you are in. But still have a good time, why NOT? Just be honest, and don't get carried away by the feel good of distraction, or lead them on until YOU, feel a lot better. That's simple, and don't force it.

Most things in life we cannot control, but you darn well CAN control what you do about it, so mourn your loss and move it forward, because you both need to heal, learn and understand to grow.

In short, the message is don't make it worse with more bad decisions based on just feelings, and no facts. You seem to have your head on straight, maybe the mind is hazy, but that clears up, as you regroup, and adjust and rebuild a happy life without her.

And personally, I wouldn't throw her a bone to feel better, she can do her own healing process, and her own learning, however way she can. Time to be selfish a bit here and focus on you. She kicked you in the balls.

[adenwestart]

Yea true. You all know how it goes. People get on here, they say a lot of stuff... they do a lot of different stuff... then eventually they move on because they just have to. I do have a mental handle on it, but I have indeed screwed up. Ive messaged her, we've talked, I've rubbed it in.. asked why... all the bs. She finally said I shouldn't let myself miss her. I thought about that for a minute. Haven't texted her since, had to force myself to delete her number without thinking. Feels like I'm naked now, vulnerable... Like I don't have something Ill need. Truth is itd be a b**** for me to get her number again without making a fool out of myself. So I think that will repel me... but I know it gets worse before it gets better... so well see what happens I guess. I know time is really all that does it, that and discipline. Its hard to not beat yourself up over it though when you make a mistake, when you give in. We all know what we should do... but there are so few that really make all the right calls. Im trying to not screw up anymore. Thank you all for the help, it has been great to have the encouragement. As far as rebounds I would not want a relationship or something. I just meant hooking up really... but at the same time I don't think I could stomach that right now.

[JudyKayTee]

Well it's not hard to know the difference: you defined it yourself - some people cheat once, others are repeat offenders.

If you mean its hard to tell a serial cheater from a one-off cheater then I would disagree, even at times on a superficial level. But fortunately, those needing to be informed will have access to deeper levels of intimacy to make that judgement and be provided insight into the circumstances of its occurrence.

All I know on the subject is hundreds of surveillances over the years, hundreds of reports to Attorneys, testifying in Court.

How do you tell a serial cheater from a one-off (off?) cheater? As I said, I've done many, many of these cases and I can't tell.

I don't know what "deeper levels of intimacy to make that judgment and be provided insight into the circumstances of its occurrence" means.

[talaniman]

The gym is a better outlet than another female. Just saying. That and two aspirin after a work out, for those night aches.

All I know on the subject is hundreds of surveillances over the years, hundreds of reports to Attorneys, testifying in Court.

How do you tell a serial cheater from a one-off (off?) cheater? As I said, I've done many, many of these cases and I can't tell.

I don't know what "deeper levels of intimacy to make that judgment and be provided insight into the circumstances of its occurrence" means.

How do you tell a serial cheater from a one time thing? You can't, so why take a chance that they ARE a serial cheater? I knew a few couples who have overcome it, at least on the surface, but they were all changed by the experience, and not necessarily for the better. Not an easy call at all! Its always in the back of your mind, just below the surface, and carries into other relationships once you have been burned ONCE!!

Forgiveness is the easy part, forgetting is impossible.

[JudyKayTee]

I was asking Puccini how she/he can tell the difference based on: "If you mean its hard to tell a serial cheater from a one-off cheater then I would disagree, even at times on a superficial level. But fortunately, those needing to be informed will have access to deeper levels of intimacy to make that judgement and be provided insight into the circumstances of its occurrence."

[adenwestart]

Well I am really hoping this is not going to affect my other relationships. As much as I cared about this girl, I've always known something was a little off with her emotionally. Its just not all there, she's not truly confident and happy and strong. Some of it is there but the rest is a front. She's just missing this genuineness. For these reasons I think maybe I won't be affected, its like part of me knew what I was getting into and wanted to try anyway. It was like I was learning from someone, learning about people. She's so different from anyone Ive ever dated and although Id be suspicious sometimes Id be wrong and I just got to thinking maybe Im wrong about a lot more and part of this issue is with me. I think I was half right, I think I allowed myself to be too concerned with suspicion... but I also think she was just plain sketchy. Even her friend has said that. I think I reacted appropriately, I would ask questions and drill in issues... she was just willing to take the lying really really far and I was a good boyfriend and would believe her eventually. There was really no way I could've found out without severely violating her privacy... and I never did... until I got to the point where I knew the relationship wouldn't survive unless I knew for sure. What sucks is as you're moving on you try to prevent yourself from thinking about it... but now as I look back and remember all those times she wouldn't be able to talk because of whatever reason or times I wouldn't get a text from her in the morning... its like... I can't help but wonder just how many times it was because she was hiding her alternate little relationship.

[talaniman]

I have learned not to dwell too much into the mysteries of anothers personality, when you are moving on from them.

[JudyKayTee]

After I moved on I really never much cared why people did/said what they did/said. If you want to get past this you need to think about something else, not old news.

[puccini]

Recently I stumbled across a quote from Bertrand Russell:

When a man tells you that he knows the exact truth about anything, you are safe in inferring that he is an inexact man.

When operating in the complex domain of human emotions and the choices they lead to, I find myself at stark odds with dogmatic statements akin to:

“How do you tell a serial cheater from a one time thing? You can't…”

I find such certainty and confidence both surprising and disturbing. It is presented as a statement of fact, not an opinion crafted from experience alone. It is incredibly charged with subjectivity especially as our in-depth insight into relationships is an overwhelmingly small and biased sample (they contain us). I find a one-size-fits-all broad-brush advice to be disappointing and unprofessional. The information initially provided by someone seeking help may be light, and general, but this should be just the start of the process, not as a basis to offer complete advice - skilful elicitation of relevant information is needed. A simple rule of thumb may help make decisions easier, but will serve to delude and construct a distorted view of reality and develop a failed understanding of people.

In any case, I simply disagree that that one cannot discriminate between the opportunists without respect for their partner, those who are routinely weak, over those who have done so under very specific conditions: either to themselves, their partner or the relationship, who have, in addition demonstrated a high level of introspection.

Understanding matters. For someone who has felt the body blow of infidelity, they may find themselves unable to resolve the tension between the recollections of what seemed genuine love against a sense of calculated betrayal. A contradiction that some can only resolve by believing they were never loved, that what they have lost was not worth having, nor the person. As a consequence they lose confidence in the belief they can detect genuine love in the future and so jeopardise future happiness*.

However to understand what happened, to see that what occurred as a consequence, an outlet, of a failing relationship, the blind actions of a confused or perhaps damaged person or simply an overwhelming desire for someone else - but not the intentional reckless attack on their partner. To not be blinded to the causes and to see that past acts (or current ones) of love were acts of love, and the pain suffered was a by-product, of complex causes, not the end product, the end goal, is, I believe, an extremely important part of the healing process and liberating. There isn't much pain we do forget in life: that's kind of the point, we're supposed to learn from it – but the right lessons.

Aden - it will affect your future relationships, you will be a different person, just try to grow from it (as you appear to be doing) try not to be bitter and reflect on you could better yourself and have bettered your last relationship. That's what we all must do from every relationship, however, they end.

Needless to say my thoughts and opinions are just as subjective as others, biassed, subject to change and based on limited experience..

Good luck.

*or falsely attach specific personality traits as a cause and so guard against it in the future.

[talaniman]

I have a great idea, let people give advice, and you give your own, and we can stop this debate about style, and experience. Let the OP glean what helps them, and what doesn't.

[Cat1864]

Aden, talking to people isn't rebounding. Trying to get involved with someone is. With all that can happen I don't recommend 'hooking up' with someone you just met or don't want to be involved with. Too much chance of an unplanned pregnancy (birth control isn't 100% effective and Nature seems to be very lucky when it wants to be.) Also, some diseases don't go away. A person can look healthy when they aren't.

At this point don't look to replace her. Instead, work on communicating and getting to know people. Work on learning how to spot what you like in a person and what you don't like. Learn to look beneath the surface and pay attention to details. If words and actions don't match up, walk away.

If you have learned one lesson, I hope it is this: If you have reservations about someone before you get involved with them, then don't get involved. They may be the greatest person on earth, but if you don't trust them, it isn't going to work.

[adenwestart]

Yea all this information has been extremely helpful. It is true, each experience is by far unique. Sadly mine does fit into a box, and I couldn't agree more. I didn't trust her from the beginning and that sorely affected our relationship. I wanted to trust her... that was the thing... I wanted and tried... and as I got close to her I can honestly say I did. I know it is possible to gain that even after suspicion, but my suspicion hurt her, made her feel insecure about us and her reaction was a result of not properly dealing with her emotions. When you feel insecure about something... you have a mature talk about whether its going to work... then you make changes or you don't and end it. Instead she kept me around and explored other avenues. Thus confirming my suspicion and making all trust gained before irrelevant. This makes me wonder if people really change or just control themselves, form habits to overwrite what they would normally do. It really just makes me wonder if she was ever trustworthy or just would be as long as she had what she wanted. But enough of that, I'm doing pretty good and moving on. This has all meant a lot to me.