[Misshersomuch]

Yeah, well, I really want to get rid of all of this drama now.

I want to keep my friend as a friend, but I will put myself first this time around
(I haven't really done that in my relationship with my ex).

I really like this quote:

"You can't please everyone so you've got to please yourself."

(I'd like to add "first" to the end of the quote).

I will do my very best to avoid her as much as possible, and for sure avoid getting into any friendly relationship with her for a long time. We might become friends some time in far future, but that's far from working out now.

If I feel like there's more drama coming up, I will just forget about both of them and move on for sure. I want to give my friendship another shot first, though.

[CanIBuyAClue]

Do what you think is best, but I think you should do NC with both of them. You have got to get your mind off your ex. I feel that trying to work out the situation with your friend is just going to keep her fresh in your mind and ultimately entangle you further in their web, and lead to further drama. I don't totally understand the female mind (do any of us?), but I must say that by you telling her that he is off limits, yadda yadda, you're actually making him more appealing to her. He is now the forbidden fruit. You need to not care what either of them do (for yourself), and then I'm pretty sure his appeal will dampen to her.

Look at it this way, you can't control what either of them do. If you leave them both alone and he doesn't do anything with her, congrats he has passed the test and deserves your friendship. If they get together right off the bat, then you've done the best thing in saying good riddance to both of them, as he's clearly shown he doesn't value your friendship. All of this while doing what you need to do right now -- heal and rediscover your own independent self again --- free of either one of their influence.

Time to go NC to the both of them. Start up a workout regiment and start busting your arse! :) I am a huge advocate for the gym. Ever since my break up I've been on an absolute tear, and while I was fit before, I'm getting really cut and feeling great. Nothing is better for your confidence than looking and feeling great!

[Misshersomuch]

I can see your point, I really can. I agree that I need to get my mind off my ex, when I woke up this morning I really missed her, you know. But I know I'll get over it in time.

Being away from the both might help my own healing, I'm just "worried" that if I don't talk with my friend, he might feel like I've given up on him already, and might think that it's better to have a girlfriend and no friend than none of both, if you understand what I mean.

But I still agree with you, if he doesn't do anything with her without me having a say, that's the best. And if he does make a move, well, then he's out.

I agree on the part of him becoming the forbidden fruit. I'm still thinking about how I should best "handle" my ex, if she contacts me. I'm thinking just ignoring might be better than trying to explain my feelings for her, and my thoughts on him and her together, I guess you guys agree with that as well.

I will consider leaving everything for him to sort out on his own, but not without talking (briefly) with him first, in that case.

I'm defnitely going to get going to the gym, I guess that'll be (one of) my New Year's resolutions (they're quite usual here in Norway atleast), to get back to training. I was in quite good shape before, so it shouldn't be too tough to get started.

Thanks a lot for your reply!

[talaniman]

Being away from the both might help my own healing

We have agreement. Then you will heal, and not care what either of them does, and that's a win-win situation.

[amicon]

Being away from them both will help your healing. :-)

[Misshersomuch]

This post is actually more of a form of self-terapy, I just need to get this stuff out somehow. It has no real questions or anything, but I'd love to get relpies with opinions anyway!

I think I'll stay away from both of them as much as possible for a while.

But, considering that I'll spend every day at school with my friend, I've decided to talk, briefly however, with him sometime before I'm back at school (4th of January).
Not that I think I can sort everything out now, but I think it's best if he knows what I'm thinking, that I still need to distance a little from him at least for a while.

I'm having a hard time stopping to think about my ex though. I still have feelings for her, I can't deny that.

I'm having trouble convincing myself that I'm doing the right thing. On one hand, a lot of the things she's done is really rejecting me, or at least I feel that way, (I'm listing them a bit for my own sake now)

(This includes throughout my relationship with her, some parts you might not know)


* Whenever I did something stupid, it could be a little, meaningless thing that she didn't like, she got quite angry with me. It happened maybe five times throughout our relationship.

This lasted for anything from one day to one week. All the time throughout these periods, I was on my knees begging her to come back. Because all of these things were just small, stupid issues, we sorted them out every time and things got as good, if not better, between us after this.

However, if she did the same thing, it would always be me just accepting that. So, basically, she could get mad at me but I couldn't get mad at her. At the time, I was so grateful for having this relationship, so I didn't mind accepting some things to make it work.

* I some times got the feeling that she doubted my love to her, even though I spent all my time showing it to her. (I might have spent too much time on her, actually.)

This feeling got even more significant when she asked me not to tell her that I loved her so much. I see now, that this might have been a red flag - a warning of what's happened now.

I have always felt, however, that this was her doubting even more that I loved her.

* Then, of course, she kissed my best friend.

* Then, she cheated on me with a guy she met at a party, kissed him and got to bed with him (only fooling around in the bed, but I mean, still.)

* Then, she broke up with me, thus showing that she wasn't ready to work out all our issues even though I offered her a chance to.

* Then she's been on and off with me, which really, I don't believe is something you do to someone you truly love.

* Then she claimed it was all my fault that we weren't together now, because I hadn't convinced her to stay. I've explained earlier my thoughts on this, but I should add that I really think it should be her asking me to get back, not the other way around.



On the other hand, I just keep thinking of all those great times I've had with her. I know that she loved me deeply once, and I think she might still do it, but that she loves my friend more at this point. I'm having trouble letting her go, really.

There's so much that makes me not want her back. I keep trying to think of all the things that annoyed me in the relationship, even though the list is short. I've also tried thinking about all that she's done, but it's not helping.

I fear that if she came to me today, tomorrow or in two weeks, and told me that she's sorry about all the things she's done, that she wants me back and that she loves me, I wouldn't be able reject her.

The reason I'm fearing this is because even though I still have feelings for her, I feel there's a lot of red flags, if I can use that term in this case. I think that getting into a relationship that was ended because of.. issues, with the issues still being present, isn't a good idea at all.
I'm thinking that it could and probably would very easily end very quickly, and I'll be back at point zero. If not at point minus ten.

But even if she convices me that she's over this crush, and tells me what I need to hear (to ever take her back(which is that she loves me and truly wants me)), what then?
I've imagined that I was in a relationship with her again, and I found (obviously) that I would have a hard time trusting her. Trust can be rebuilt, however, and in my thoughts I'm left with wanting her back, even though I don't think I can take her back. Hard to explain, but it's driving me crazy.

I'm so twisted in my thoughts, I'm changing from day to day from being angry with her and not wanting to see her ever again, to missing her and thinking of all the good times we had.

My point is that I don't want this! All of these thoughts and everything.
I want to get over all of this now, I want to move on, and I know that even if a relationship was possible, I'm not ready anyway. Last night, I wouldn't dream of being with her again. Today, I dream about it.

I don't now why I'm having these thoughts now.
I realize more and more that contact = setbacks, and that it probably was because of all the things she said, not to mention just hearing her voice, that I'm back to missing her this much.
I still miss her, but I want to get over her. I believe it's for the best, but I'm having so much trouble do to it.

I don't even feel like she deserves my love anymore, really. Not to sound arrogant, but I really treated her good when we were together. I believe I was a great boyfriend, I know I did my best to be at least, and she always told me I was too good to her. Too kind.
But she's thrown it away. Not only by cheating, but by the way she treated me a lot of the time afterwards as well. Changing her mood towards me by the day. Telling me different stuff all the time, one second as rejecting as she can be, the next, totally opposite.
I can understand she has a rough time as well, but for a month, to change like that, doesn't exactly shout "love!".

I've tried to keep myself occupied, although I haven't been outside of the house today.

I've spent time with my family, though, and chatting a lot with different people, both of which helped, but I still have these thoughts. I also watched a movie with my family, but couldn't stop thinking about it.

At one point, thought about texting her or calling her, but then I realized that it's probably the contact that have given me this setback.

***

I feel like this has helped though. Just getting all of it out. It makes it easier to get things into perspective.
I would also love any replies, if you've bothered to read all of this!
Don't worry about being to harsh, I probably need it.

Thanks.

[amicon]

Writing things down is a good thing and you can go back and read this to yourself as well as self therapy.
And the thoughts back and forth you're having are normal at this stage-what you need to do ,however, is to not act on them-stick to proper NC. Everything but only confuses you.
The more details you add about her behavior, the flakier she sounds.
She has cheated on you once before- she has been moody, childish and selfcentered.

Let your head rule your heart and don't speak to her again.
Make decisions and stick to them.

[Jake2008]

While it is true that some people can change, have regrets, and try to make things right, there were just too many things wrong to expect that she will ever change enough to have a healthy, serious relationship. She doesn't sound to me that she will ever think of you, the way you fondly think of her.

You will go through stages when recovering from this trauma. They can't be avoided. You can't skip the feelings or tune them out, or bury them. It is frustrating because you know you're going to feel really miserable, and you don't want to, but you do anyway. I think that is nature's way of helping you heal. One step at a time.

Some days you'll feel on top of the world, and then slide back a few steps, then up a couple, down ten, back up again. Eventually though, like any loss, the more extreme ends of sadness/confidence will be short lived, and you'll bounce back so much faster.

Don't be too hard on yourself either, in trying to figure things out. You will never have all the answers. I tend to really obsess about certain things, weigh it all out, over and over again, but even when I know the outcome isn't going to change no matter how many times I think about it, sometimes it is just hard not to do it. Eventually, what will be will be, so try not to get too down and attach more importance to past events, than they deserve.

I agree with amicon that your ex does not seem like relationship material, and its good that you can see her faults realistically, and not be blinded by love.

Keep up the good work.

[talaniman]

You think too much. Get around some good people, and just be a guy for a while, blow off some steam.

[Misshersomuch]

Writing things down is a good thing and you can go back and read this to yourself as well as self therapy.
And the thoughts back and forth youre having are normal at this stage-what you need to do ,however, is to not act on them-stick to proper NC. Everything but only confuses you.
The more details you add about her behavior, the flakier she sounds.
She has cheated on you once before- she has been moody, childish and selfcentered.

Let your head rule your heart and dont speak to her again.
Make decisions and stick to them.

Thanks a lot for your reply!

Yes, I agree with all you've said. I don't know if I have been completely blinded of love, but I think she has changed during that past say two months though. But thinking back at our relationship, there has been so much I accepted to put up with without her doing the same towards me. I had to change, she stayed the same. Now, I didn't (and don't mind) changing myself a little to be with the one I love, but is it really worth it when she's not doing the same thing? I don't think so.

I will try my very best to follow my head throughout this, I'm feeling "better" today, I don't have the same urge to contact her as I had yesterday. These moments come and go, appearantly.


***

While it is true that some people can change, have regrets, and try to make things right, there were just too many things wrong to expect that she will ever change enough to have a healthy, serious relationship. She doesn't sound to me that she will ever think of you, the way you fondly think of her.

Thanks for your reply. I agree on that, that's how I've been thinking latetly as well. Yes, she might want me back at some point, but how can I expect her to return to me all the love I give to her?

You will go through stages when recovering from this trauma. They can't be avoided. You can't skip the feelings or tune them out, or bury them. It is frustrating because you know you're going to feel really miserable, and you don't want to, but you do anyway. I think that is nature's way of helping you heal. One step at a time.

Some days you'll feel on top of the world, and then slide back a few steps, then up a couple, down ten, back up again. Eventually though, like any loss, the more extreme ends of sadness/confidence will be short lived, and you'll bounce back so much faster.

Yes, I've learned what you're saying is true. I'm feeling a lot better just today, the next morning. I just needed to get everything out, and someone to tell me what I really know is true. That I need to stick to this.

Don't be too hard on yourself either, in trying to figure things out. You will never have all the answers. I tend to really obsess about certain things, weigh it all out, over and over again, but even when I know the outcome isn't going to change no matter how many times I think about it, sometimes it is just hard not to do it. Eventually, what will be will be, so try not to get too down and attach more importance to past events, than they deserve.

Yes, as you've probably read earlier in my thread, I have an (unhealty) obsession for closure. But I've realized that by now, I might be better of just leaving things as they are, there's no changing the past anyway, only the future.

I agree with amicon that your ex does not seem like relationship material, and its good that you can see her faults realistically, and not be blinded by love.

Keep up the good work.

Yes, I've realized that myself by now. I have a lot of good memories and had a lot of great moments etc. but the bad stuff that's come up recently is just to overwhelming to ignore. I don't want to be in a relationship in which I can't have any trust, where I know I'm probably being lied to and where I'm the only one really working for the love.

Thanks a lot! I will do:).


***

You think to much. Get around some good people, and just be a guy for a while, blow off some steam.

Yes, you are completely right. It's just that my friend and my ex was the two people I spent the largent percent of my free time with, plus my band, in which my friend plays, so it's been a little of a challenge for me to socialise like normal.

I have however been giving it a shot, with great results!
I spent one of the best nights in weeks with a couple of my friends the other day, and just chatting with people online seems to be helping.

So, I will definitely get out of the house more, and think less. I'm also going to get going regulary to the gym starting in January, I think that'll do good as well.

***

Thanks a lot for your replies everyone, they've really helped me.
It felt good to get everything out here, so I will probably make that sort of a habit, once in a while.

In 2010, I'm going to get going to the gym, get new (and better?) friendships and just have fun. I'm looking forward to getting through all of this.

Thanks again, and a happy new year to all of you!

[amicon]

Keep going you will be fine!
All the best -come back next year! Happy 2010!( Godt Nyt Aar!)

[Llisa]

I really agree with tal's post at 2.20pm. It is what I wanted to say earlier but he put it much better than I could have.

I am kind of sick of listening to your posts because you don't seem to be getting anywhere. You are just going around and around in circles. I think you've been given all the information that can help you, and you are just not ready to implement it and are addicted to this drama. I think you're just going to do what you want, which is be in this situation.

I wish you the best, but only you can change your situation.

[Llisa]

I'm sorry guy, but you have had enough respect from your friend, and enough of the games from your ex. Have some respect for yourself now, and get out of the way, and I mean completely out of the way of their business. Enough, is really enough. Leave them both alone, as she is clearly pursuing him for her own purpose, and you trying to control what they do is not possible.

Your the one who is hurt, and must deal with that yourself, and if by now, you don't have the closure you need to leave her alone, and stop making this a bigger drama than what it is, then thats your misery you bring to yourself.

Whatever role your friend is playing in this game, is his business, and you need to let him deal with it. You sure can't stop it, so leave them alone.

You talk so much of respect, with your artificial deadlines, and guidelines, but it starts with you, doing what your supposed to without imposing it on either of them.

You can't force a girl to have feelings for you, and you can't impose your feelings, or brand of respect, on your friend.

Now get out of everyones business, and get your own. Get on with your own life, and get some new friends. Personally, your friend should tell you that himself, get out of his business. I would.

This is the post by tal that I referred to.

[Misshersomuch]

I really agree with tal's post at 2.20pm. It is what I wanted to say earlier but he put it much better than I could of.

I am kind of sick of listening to your posts because you don't seem to be getting anywhere. You are just going around and around in circles. I think you've been given all the information that can help you, and you are just not ready to implement it and are addicted to this drama. I think you're just going to do what you want, which is be in this situation.

I wish you the best, but only you can change your situation.

Hi! Thanks for your reply!

Have your read my last posts? I've had it with this drama, and I'm removing myself from it now. I won't interfere with what my ex and my friend might and might not do anymore. If my friend stays away from my ex without me interfering, I will give our friendship another chance. If he doesn't, I won't. In the meantime, I'm going NC.

And it might not be much, but at least I'm no longer blinded by love towards my ex. I still have feelings for her, yes, but I'm not exactly on my knees to get her back anymore either.

I feel myself I've had a lot of progress. Yes, I made a mistake breaking NC, and had a setback because of that, but I've learned from my mistake.

I feel stronger and better every day, and I might be moving slow but I know I'm moving in the right direction.

Thanks, and a happy new year!

[Llisa]

Just because you are not on your knees anymore to get her back does not constitute seeing reality and all the advice given to you. To be blunt, she is not into you at all, she is only into you being into her. Obviously she has her own issues to deal with.

You've said you were having talks with the nurse, have you also started seeing a counselor? I think this could really benefit you.

Also I think it might be a good idea to think about joining a new band. Music seems to be an important enjoyable aspect of your life, and being around a group of great new people might be a great thing to expand your horizons.

[Misshersomuch]

I know that, and I agree, it was simply a way of admitting that I'm not completely over her yet, but that I know what I must do. I'm not going to ask her to come back to me, and I'm not going to try to make her want me back. I've realized for real that it's over by now. I'm not denying I have been denying that fact for a while, because it was hard for me to let her go, but I believe I have done so now.

I'm moving on. It's hard for me, yes, because of my feelings for her, but I'm going to do it. It will take time, probably more than it should because I'm so stubborn, but I'm going to do it. I know this.

I've not started to see a counselor, but I do have an appointment with the school nurse for the 12th of January, and an agreement to come sooner if I should need to. Do you think I should ask to get to speak to a counselor (at the 12th)?

Yes, I've actually considered starting a new band. Music is indeed one of the things I enjoy most in my life, I spend big parts of the day listening to it and writing it, and the most fun I have is when I play in a band. I've actually started to talk with two guys I know, and have jammed with and written a couple of songs earlier, and we are definitely in the process of starting up a band together.

I'm also getting more contact with some people from my school (that I didn't have much contact with beyond school earlier), plus some of my old friends. I also went to the gym today, and it felt great.

This is all things I'm going to keep on doing (new band, new friends and going to the gym).

Thanks a lot for your reply and your advices,and don'tworry about being blunt. It's often what I need.

[Llisa]

I think it would be beneficial to see a counselor and that it would be good to arrange it on the 12th. The nurse sounds like she has been a great listener and supporter, so I think you could still talk to her while you see a counselor, like when you need to at school.

A counselor (preferably a psychologist) is important because they are professionally trained to help you with your problems. Even if you are not be having suicidal thoughts at the moment, you need to speak to a professional about it, it is a serious issue.

And belated happy new year to you too :)

[payal_flowergal]

I know that, and I agree, it was simply a way of admitting that I'm not completely over her yet, but that I know what I must do. I'm not gonna ask her to come back to me, and I'm not gonna try to make her want me back. I've realized for real that it's over by now. I'm not denying I have been denying that fact for a while, because it was hard for me to let her go, but I believe I have done so now.

I'm moving on. It's hard for me, yes, because of my feelings for her, but I'm gonna do it. It will take time, probably more than it should becasue I'm so stubborn, but I'm gonna do it. I know this.

I've not started to see a counselor, but I do have an appointment with the school nurse for the 12th of January, and an agreement to come sooner if I should need to. Do you think I should ask to get to speak to a counselor (at the 12th)?

Yes, I've actually considered starting a new band. Music is indeed one of the things I enjoy most in my life, I spend big parts of the day listening to it and writing it, and the most fun I have is when I play in a band. I've actually started to talk with two guys I know, and have jammed with and written a couple of songs earlier, and we are definitely in the process of starting up a band together.

I'm also getting more contact with some people from my school (that I didn't have much contact with beyond school earlier), plus some of my old friends. I also went to the gym today, and it felt great.

This is all things I'm gonna keep on doing (new band, new friends and going to the gym).

Thanks a lot for your reply and your advices,and don'tworry about being blunt. It's often what I need.

Hi there :) I was just reading various forums asnd searching through Google when I came through your post... and was compelled to join this site to reply to you. Your post has tugged at my heart... not because I am going through a similar situation or anything... but from the way you've let out your thoughts I want to compliment you that for a 16 year old you're a very mature person. Focus on your studies and I am sure you will get all that you wish for. I am 20 and I have a boyfriend who says I love you to me a 100 times a day... and even though I reply him back... its not usually how I feel... I do like him a lot... I like him enough to not hurt him by telling him about this... so after reading your post I have decided I won't tell him this... (even though his best friend is very handsome.. lol)... but I guess I'll stick with my boyfriend... daah.. I always knew guys were innocent kids.. lol... girls are so much more... in control!
But anyway dude I appreciate the clarity of your thought and your sense of judgement. Thumps up for your spirit! :)

[Misshersomuch]

Hello everyone!

Long time, no update, sorry about that. I might do an update in near future.

The reason that I haven't updated isn't that I don't need your help or anything like that, far from it. It's rather opposite, really. I have been doing a lot better since my last update, and I set myself a goal to not use this site as much when I didn't need to. Not because you guys don't help, because believe me - I wouldn't be so far along as I am now without you, but I just thought that the less dependent I would be to this site, the better.

As I've said, I'm doing very good now. I'm very happy in general, etc. It's still a little bit complicated, but it'll work out in the end I believe.

This won't be a long update, because I don't have the time (it would be a long update if I got started), and also, I sort of prefer not to think way too much about it right now.

I will update later, but I just thought I'd let you know that I'm all right.

Thanks for all your kindness, and take care.

[amicon]

Hey, many thanks, and good to know.
Keep updating when you want to.
All the best.