[Misshersomuch]

Hello everybody.

First of all, I want to apologize if something is unclear, but so are my thoughts. Please don't hesitate to ask if something is unclear!

Okay, I will try to take this from the start and keeping it as short as possible without letting out anything important.
I'm 16 years old, and so is my girlfriend.
On Monday (30th November 2009), we will have been together for a year.

Basically, I had a crush on her for two years before we got together.

We have been happily together through most of the time. Of course, we have had some minor argues, but nothing major.

The time that I have spent with my girlfriend, truly is the best time of my life so far. Over the time, my love to her has only grown.

Not only do I love her looks, but the way she thinks, acts, everything. She’s so sweet, and so cute, so amazing and I just love her so damn much.

She has stated, many times, that it’s just too good to be true that I love her and that I’m perfect. This just blows my mind, as that’s exactly the way I feel towards her.

Over the last 6-8 weeks, she has told me that she don’t feel quite the way she used to do. Actually, she more or less used the (classic) line “I love you, but I’m not in love with you.”
I told her that whatever she felt right, I would respect and understand, and the one thing that I want the most is for her to be happy. I would give everything to be with her, but the most important thing for me is that she is happy.

As a result of this (love you, not in love with you), she has asked me to not tell her that I love her so much. This probably has three reasons.

One: I do (or at least did) say that a lot. And I mean a lot. But it’s really because I do. I truly do, and I want her to know, and I myself feel that the best feeling in the world is to hear the one you love tell you that he or she loves you.

Two: Her ex (the one that was two years older), used to tell her that he loved her, but has later revealed that this was only to be nice, which really felt horrible to her, as she meant it when she told him, and it made her feel used.
Three: The fact that she doesn’t feel the same way for me, might make it hard for her when I tell her, because she might feel that she’s “obliged” to tell me the same back, and she doesn’t want to say something that’s untrue, but also doesn’t want to hurt me by not saying anything.

I respect this, although it somewhat breaks my heart. I sometimes feel that she doesn’t believe that I love her, which really is a horrible feeling - because I love her to death.
She tells me that she doesn’t want to feel this way, and that she wants to try and “fix it”, or to try and pursue our relationship. I reassure her that if she wants to end it – I’ll understand and respect that.
Things you should know:
She is a musician, and works a lot with music, which sometimes stresses her. She also feels stressed from school work, as that stuff don’t come as easy to her, as it does, for example to me.

In addition to this, she has quite a strict and mean mother. They quite often argue, and believe me, she (her mother) can tell her (my girlfriend) the most horrible things. Her dad is also a musician, and travels a lot, so she really doesn’t enjoy staying at home.

All of this together, makes her quite depressed at times, and also very stressed.

I do my best to help her with all of this. I comfort her when she is upset because of her mother, help her with school work and helps her relax when she get’s stressed. She has told me many times, she really appreciate this.

Now, over the last two weeks she has developed feelings for my best friend, although I only learned this a week ago.

I should perhaps give you some background info on my friend. He has social anxiety disorder, and (to my knowledge) I’m his only true friend, the only one that he talks about personal stuff with (and vice versa).

We are really good friends, go to school together, listen to the same music, have the same humor, think the same way, play in a band together, basically do a lot together.
He is a really, really good guy.

He found out that our relationship wasn't at it's best (with her losing her feelings), and Iin his extreme niceness, he decides (without my knowing) to try and help us to fix this by talking to my girlfriend (starting less than two weeks ago).

While he and my girlfriend are talking about this, she tells to him how she feels towards him. He becomes quite shocked, and says he only wants things to go back to “normal” (me being with her, we being friends). After this talk, he follows her home.

In a matter of moments, they kiss, very briefly. No one of them really knows (or so they say) how it happened, but it did.

They both become really broken down by this, and both feel like they have betrayed me.

They come to me that same evening, both are shattered by this, and they tell me everything. They both cry a lot, and so do I. I was shattered by this at first, but at the same time I felt I had to comfort them, and not blame them.
I truly know, that they were both really, really broken down by this whole thing, it was easy to tell.

My girlfriend took this whole thing really hard (when she is upset she often has problems talking). The most I could get out of her was “Sorry”, “I’ve let you down” and “You deserve better”.

It would be easy for me to just sort of hate both my girlfriend and my best friend, but the fact that they told me the way they did (honestly, immediately and with total regret), the fact that they are really great people that I wouldn’t be able to hate in that way, and the fact that I feel like even though it in one way would kill me to see them together, I can’t control their lives. I can’t tell them not to kiss, I can’t tell them not to be together (Well, I sort of can while I’m in a relationship with my girlfriend, but that get’s “sorted” by the way they told me and acted about this).

All of this made me feel like I had to forgive them, and they really looked like they needed to be forgiven. So I told them both how I felt. I said that I could understand that this could’ve happened, and that I don’t feel any hatred towards any of them. I also said that no matter how this gets sorted, I want all of us to be friends in the end.

After a while, my girlfriend had to leave (it was getting late and her mother was… well, being her mother), and I strictly tell her that she can’t walk home by herself.
(The last bus had gone, and it’s a thirty minute walk to a somewhat dodgy area to get to her house).
I tell her that I insist on walking her home, but that it would be okay if we don’t talk, if that’s what she’d prefer.
As I follow her home, we talk a little about the stuff that had happened, and she asked me if what I had said was true. I said it was. I said that no matter what she wanted or how she felt, I would completely respect that and understand that. I told her that they way they had told me about it, really meant a lot to me, and I told her that I just love her so damn much, and care so damn much about her that I can’t go around hating her. That would make me hate myself. So yes, I told her, I forgive you.

She told me it was too good to be true, and we kissed for about a minute. Then we had to sort of rush home to her, because of her mother.

This all happened on Monday the 22th of November. The first couple of days with my friend have been awkward, but we have sorted this now. As far as I can understand, he doesn’t want to “go after her”, and even if he would, I wouldn’t hate him.

On the 23rd I asked my girlfriend (via text message), if she wanted to be with me that day and at the same time I told her it would be okay if she needed some time. At first, she wanted time but about 30 minutes later she asked for my company. I spent the day with her, and everything seemed sort of fine. When I went home that evening, I felt horrible. I felt that I was being selfish by being her boyfriend as if nothing had happened just the day after.

That evening, she called me, saying that she needed some time. Some time alone. I told her that I completely understood that, and that I would respect that. I apologized for being selfish that day, and told her that I would respect any decision she would feel would be right for our relationship. I also told her that I would not contact her for the next couple of days, but that if she wanted to talk to me she should feel free to contact me, this to give her the time and space she felt she needed.
The last thing I said before we hung up was how I feel towards her, and that she had my support throughout this.
I’ve talked with her twice since this, both over MSN. Once, we very briefly asked how the other was doing.

The second time, which was about 24 hours ago, we talked a bit more. She told me that she felt bad about not seeing me any lately, but that she wasn’t ready. She told me she had seen me the other day and wanted to talk to me but just couldn’t do it. I told her not to feel bad about neither of that.

We also talked about our anniversary. We were planning to go out on Monday the 30th (at our one year anniversary), and had already booked a table. She told me that she simply was not ready, and I told her that I understood and respected, and that I would cancel the table.

She told me that she didn’t want to cancel it, just move it to a later date when she felt ready. I think she really feels a lot of guilt. I told her that she can have all the time that she needs, and if she feels like she won’t be ready, ever, I’ll respect and understand that as well. She told me that she just needed time.

All of this is making me really confused. I’m not any good at reading signs, but now I of course see that her losing her feelings towards me and asking me to tell me I love her less could be ways of trying to fade out our relationship without hurting me. However, I still believe, at least partly, what she said about getting told that I love her.

I really feel like we’re a good match, and so does she, at least she used to. We enjoy the same movies, the same music, the same food, we laugh at the same stuff, we think the same way, and we even often say the same thing just at the same time.

For the first few days, I was absolutely sure that she would end our relationship, but as I said, I’m really confused by all of this. In one way, I believe that she is trying to break up with me without hurting me, but a couple of things make me doubt this, like how she made it clear that she wants to move our anniversary dinner, and not cancel it.
She also has sent me a short message on Facebook, where she basically quotes a love song – a song that always have been sort of “our song”. The line really makes me feel like she still wants to be with me.

The way she has spoken to me lately, it seems like she wants to but isn’t able to be with me quite yet.

I don’t know what to think, and to expect. She has asked for time on a prior occasion, and came back to me after three days that time. Now it’s been six days with merely any contact.

I am ready to give her the time she needs, whether it will be three days or three weeks, and I will respect any wish she would have towards our future together. I don’t want her to be in a relationship with me if she isn’t happy. I know that I can't make her want it.

The first days for me, were very hard. I was absolutely convinced that I would never be with her again. Because of this, after a wile, I was able to start letting her go a bit, or at least realizing that I might have to do that, which really as helped a lot.

I realize that if we break up, I will experience later loves after this, but I really, really love her a lot and don’t want to lose her.

I also know that being this young, a relation ship ending is not the end of the world, but still.

The worst part for me right now is the insecurity.

If you're this far, thank you for reading all of this, hope it wasn't too much, and I appreciate all answers!

PS: Hope you guys understand my English, it's my second language so I hope you understand the most of it. Again, don't hestitate to ask if anything is unclear.

By the way, I’m considering leaving a dozen of red roses by her door on our anniversary (on Monday), with a note saying that I really care about her, and wishing her all well, or at least something amongst those lines. Is that a bad idea? I know it might break the “oath” of giving her time, but I think it might also cheer her up. I know she really likes getting stuff like that, she is very romantic. She loves getting roses.

[jmjoseph]

Mhsm, I have no idea what she is feeling, or how this will end, but I must say that you are a very intelligent, and an extremely considerate, young man.

For you to forgive them both, and want her to be happy at all costs, says so much as to the type of man you are, and will become in the future. You will be just fine no matter what happens, I just know it.

The thing is, at 16 years of age, you need to experience more in life before you settle down with one girl. In today's time, there are many distractions that interfere with relationships.

Go live your life to the fullest. I know I did, and have no regrets .

And if English is your second language, you write it wonderfully.

If it is meant to be, then it will happen.

I wish you the best of luck, and hope that my two young sons are as grounded as yourself when they get your age.

GOD bless you my friend.

[Misshersomuch]

Thanks a lot, I really appreciate that!

I know that I'm still very young, and have most of my life ahead of me. I also know that it won't be the end of the world if I lose her, and that if I do, I will find later loves.

But I know that right now, she is the girl I love, and that's all I care about right now. I will do all I can to keep her/get her back, but even more to keep her happy and do what's best for her.

I think I should add, that I truly love this girl. I can really see a future with her, and I know that she does the same for me, or at least she used to.
(Don't misunderstand me here, I'm not planning to spend the rest of my life with her already).

Do you think giving her a dozen of roses on or anniversary day is a bad idea?

I'm thinking of doing it in a subtle way, just leaving them on the doorstep and sending her a message so that she finds them. I don't want to be disrespectful to her wish of time and space, I just want to tell her that I care about her in a nice way.

[jmjoseph]

Thanks a lot, I really appreciate that!

I know that I'm still very young, and have most of my life ahead of me. I also know that it won't be the end of the world if I lose her, and that if I do, I will find later loves.

But I know that right now, she is the girl I love, and that's all I care about right now. I will do all I can to keep her/get her back, but even more to keep her happy and do what's best for her.

I think I should add, that I truly love this girl. I can really see a future with her, and I know that she does the same for me, or atleast she used to.
(Don't misunderstand me here, I'm not planning to spend the rest of my life with her already).

Do you think giving her a dozen of roses on or anniversary day is a bad idea?

I'm thinking of doing it in a subtle way, just leaving them on the doorstep and sending her a message so that she finds them. I don't want to be disrespectful to her wish of time and space, I just want to tell her that I care about her in a nice way.

I think that it will be just fine.

We all know that you love this girl.

And I personally am pulling for you. You are the most mature 16 year old I have "seen" on this site, and in the flesh for that matter.

[mdoli]

Wow I must say you're quite wordy and I can totally understand that you're running on so much emotion at the moment. In regards to your flower question I strngly suggest you don't do this because it's a bad idea that will push her away from you. She seems confused in some areas of your relationship at this time and I really suggest you just give her what she wants if it's a break, break up or things alon that line. Trust me on this you're the prize in this relationship, now I'm not saying she's a bad person but later on you will realize it. So I suggest you relax cool off and take som time to use some logic rather than full on emotion. As for losing her, don't worry about that, you were fine before her and you will be fine without her. That's just life.

[Jake2008]

I think the flowers are a bad idea too. Maybe mark the day with a quick phone call, or a card, but nothing more.

I sort of get the impression that she is feeling smothered. By her mother, school, pressures of performing. Maybe she is feeling pressured to maintain the relationship, and it is all just too much.

While you have so respectfully kept your distance and not pressured her, she may simply just need time as she indicated with moving the dinner/anniversary date. My impression is, she needs a breather.

My only other observation is to not let this go on forever. Wait a while, keep in touch to let her know you still care, but don't overdo it. If you find yourself in the same place with her in a few months, then I'd say it is time to move on.

I wish you well, you're a smart, kind, considerate person.

[summer7]

Hi,
I read every word (by the way your English is excellent). I don't like this situation for you. From the beginning it seems like you are doing everything for her, taking care of her, homework etc. You are the one saying I love you all the time. What about you? A relationship is about two people. Both people take care of each other. You're doing all the work here. Also, she and your best friend kissed each other behind your back and you're comforting them. This is all very noble and it's absolutely wonderful that you forgave them but you are setting yourself up to be taken advantage of. They also need to know very clearly that this is not OK behavior... This will sound harsh... "You need to respect yourself".

You are a wonderful, loving guy. You have so much love to give. This situation where you are "rescuing" her and you're making all these excuses for why she is stressed and why she doesn't have time etc. make me wonder why this is OK with you. What about your needs in the relationship?

I think perhaps she has felt a bit smothered by all the attention. Some girls like this attention but it seems she is pulling away from it. Don't send flowers... It will be too much. My suggestion is to back off a little bit. Also, I don't see her as being the one for you.

You are a great guy. You need to "realize your worth" and that you deserve a great girl!!

You are so nice and gracious, I hope I wasn't too harsh with you. :)

[Dustin2239]

Dude to be honest and to save you the trouble just being honest you will probably have to figure this out on your own let it go. If it's meant to happen then it will if it anit then it won't. A wise man once told me that time heals all wounds Good Luck to you

[Misshersomuch]

Wow I must say you're quite wordy and I can totally understand that you're running on so much emotion at the moment. In regards to your flower question I strngly suggest you don't do this because it's a bad idea that will push her away from you. She seems confused in some areas of your relationship at this time and I really suggest you just give her what she wants if it's a break, break up or things alon that line. Trust me on this you're the prize in this relationship, now I'm not sayin she's a bad person but later on you will realize it. So I suggest you relax cool off and take som time to use some logic rather than full on emotion. As for losing her, don't worry about that, you were fine before her and you will be fine without her. That's just life.

Yeah, that's why I'm having doubts with the whole flower thing, I mean I can't force her (neither do I want to) back into a relationship with me, which I'm afraid she might take this as an attempt to, I simply want to do something nice for her on a special occation, while she's going through a rough time.

Thanks a lot for the good words, they really help!


---

I think the flowers are a bad idea too. Maybe mark the day with a quick phone call, or a card, but nothing more.

I sort of get the impression that she is feeling smothered. By her mother, school, pressures of performing. Maybe she is feeling pressured to maintain the relationship, and it is all just too much.

Yes, I agree, a quick phone call or a card might be a better idea. I think I might go for the card, as she have already stated that just seeing me (on the street) is hard for her right now, so my thoughts originally were to just sort of drop it off, so that I don't make this time any worse for her. I will definitely consider giving her a card.

While you have so respectfully kept your distance and not pressured her, she may simply just need time as she indicated with moving the dinner/anniversary date. My impression is, she needs a breather.

That's what I'm thinking as well, but I'm just getting so confused. I guess the best thing I can do is just give her the time she needs until she contacts me.

My only other observation is to not let this go on forever. Wait a while, keep in touch to let her know you still care, but don't overdo it. If you find yourself in the same place with her in a few months, then I'd say it is time to move on.

Yep, that's what I'm thinking as well. While I'm ready to giver her, really, all the time she might need, I realize that if the weeks fly by with no change, it would be better for all parts if we end it.

I wish you well, you're a smart, kind, considerate person.

Thanks a lot! Thanks for for you kind words, and a great reply. It really helps me out.


---

Hi,
I read every word (by the way your English is excellent). I don't like this situation for you. From the beginning it seems like you are doing everything for her, taking care of her, homework etc. You are the one saying I love you all the time. What about you? A relationship is about two people. Both people take care of each other. You're doing all the work here.

Thank you.

The thing is, she used to tell me that she loved me a lot earlier, before the whole I love you but I'm not in love with you thing happened. I may be naïve, but I choose to believe her when she says that, and also when she says that she wants to be in love with me, because I feel like I know her, when she is being totally sincere. And I also told her I would understand and respect it if she felt that a break up would be for the best.

Also, she and your best friend kissed each other behind your back and you're comforting them. This is all very noble and it's absolutely wonderful that you forgave them but you are setting yourself up to be taken advantage of. They also need to know very clearly that this is not OK behavior...This will sound harsh..."You need to respect yourself".

Yes, I realize that. And I considered being angry with them, but I just couldn'd do it.
I'm not sure if they being together still is what they both really want, but I can tell that neither of them wanted it to happen this way. They were both totally shattered that evening, neither of them could really talk for the first hour.

As I said in my post, the way they told me really had a lot to say as far as how I reacted. I mean, if they had been going behind my back and kissing etc. for let's say a week, and then come and tell me like "Hey, we are together now, which I guess is just too bad for you", I know I would've handled it different. But the fact that they both felt horrible, and told me everything and asked for forgiveness not two hours later, I really appreciated that.

You are a wonderful, loving guy. You have so much love to give. This situation where you are "rescuing" her and you're making all these excuses for why she is stressed and why she doesn't have time etc. make me wonder why this is OK with you. What about your needs in the relationship?

Yes, well, my post were already quite long, so I sort of cut that part out. I should say that I'm getting a lot out of this relationship. First of all, I'm always happy whenever I'm with her. She always makes me feel better.

She has also helped me regain my self-esteem a lot. She have made me believe more in myself, both as a person and as far as looks etc. go. (I should mention that I at least used to have a pretty bad picture of myself).

She is also very loving and caring, and helps me out with everything that I ask from her. I also have a sort of an issue with my father, where I feel that he's never been here for me (even though my parents aren't divorced), and I feel more like he's my stepfather than my actual father. She really has helped me a lot through this, which I appreciate a lot.

I think perhaps she has felt a bit smothered by all the attention. Some girls like this attention but it seems she is pulling away from it. Don't send flowers...It will be too much. My suggestion is to back off a little bit. Also, I don't see her as being the one for you.

You are a great guy. You need to "realize your worth" and that you deserve a great girl!!!

You are so nice and gracious, I hope I wasn't too harsh with you. :)

Okay, thanks for the advise, I don't think I will give her the flowers. I might write her a card though, where it says something among the lines that I love you and wish you all the best.

Not to sound so arrogant over your great and helpful reply, but I feel while she may not be the one for me for the rest of my life, she is the one for me right now.
I may however be very naïve about this.

By the way, she really is a great girl. Believe me.

Thanks a lot for all the great and helpful posts! I really appreciate it.

[amicon]

I can only add the very best of luck,I hope it goes well,and your English is brilliant,much better than mine! :-)

[Misshersomuch]

Thanks a lot :)

[Misshersomuch]

I'm getting second thoughts on just giving her a card as well, I really don't want to ruin anything by not giving her time and space, but not having contact with her is getting so damn hard.

I can't stop thinking about her even when I'm busy doing other things.

Every time my cellphone rings or I get a message, I run to it, in a combination of hope and fear. Hoping that she is calling or sending me a message, saying she loves me, or wants to be me. Fearing that she is calling or sending me a message, saying she doesn't love me, or wants to end it.

One thing is giving her time by herself, but all this insecurity is making me crazy!

[amicon]

What you're feeling is normal,which doesn't make it less painful.
Staying busy helps,talking to friends and family helps as well,as do physical activities.
As for the card-maybe not?
Hang in there,it gets better.

[Just Looking]

I am also quite impressed by what you have written. You are so mature and well-spoken. I don't know that I have a lot to add as I think what others have said is right on - she needs time and space. I agree the flowers are too much and a phone call would be too much as it will put her on the spot. If you send a card, keep it very simple. The last thing she needs is to feel any kind of pressure. You might consider just a quick message on MSN.

As for you, I know this is quite stressful and you are handling it very well. I'm glad you are doing your normal things and staying busy. If you aren't already doing some sort of physical activity, you should. It will help with your anxiety levels. If you can, get away from your phone - turn it off, or go for a run or walk and leave it home. Give yourself some time to relax.

Best of luck. You seem like a great guy, and like everyone else here I'm sure it will all work out for you in the end. Good luck.

[Misshersomuch]

Thanks for the replies everyone!

I will probably start going to the gym again next week, both for my bodys sake and for my minds sake. Thanks a lot for the great tips, and your support :)

[amicon]

That's a great idea-it will lift your mood,as will watching funny films if you want to give that a go.

[Misshersomuch]

I want to tell her in a subtle way that I miss her, and that I care for her.

I know this it's kind of individual, but what do you think about me posting a song quote that I see really fit as my Facebook status? Would that be a bad idea? I know she will know that I mean her, but I don't know how she will react.

I can say that I did do that, though a little more subtle than this one earlier this week, I posted a quote from a Bob Dylan song, a love song, about wanting to show someone all the colours they have in their mind, and she replied with the line "Stay lady stay, stay with your man a while", and later with more quotes from the same song.

What do you think about posting the refrains from I Miss You by Randy Newman as my status?

I Miss You Lyrics by Randy Newman

I'm thinking of using the refrains only, just that I repeat the I miss you part as many times as he does.

Bad idea?

[talaniman]

Hats off to you for being a classy young guy, now keep your word and give her space as you said you would, out of love and respect

That means no flowers, calls, or music from you.

Stay classy, and say what you mean, and mean what you say. You have done that. Let go now.

[Misshersomuch]

Yeah, I realize that you are right, it's somehow easier to realize it when someone tells it to you.

You're absolutely right, I gave her my word to give her the time she would need, and to not contact her - to let her contact me. I will drop all of my plans about flowers, cards and music.

[amicon]

Yes you should. You should do that for you,you need space as well, to clear your own head .