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Jayjay027 · Oct 25, 2009, 09:05 AM

I agree, you can't sit and analyse everything. You just have to move on with your own life, otherwise, you will go insane.
Like you say, you don't see where it went wrong between the two of you, so you should be happy that it wasn't you personally that was the problem, it's him, his job, his image etc. Those are things that you can't control, so there's no point in analysing things that you have no control over! I also don't think that you should sit and wait for a text from him saying he has changed his mind, it might never come.
When you told him he had a month to decide, you might have just given him a reason to get out of the relationship altogether - when the month is up, he might say "my feelings are still the same so we should go our seperate ways", and he doesn't really have to explain anything else to you, because you set a deadline.

All you can do from here is focus on yourself. You are the only thing you can control, so focus on making yourself better.
Like I said, you will only drive yourself crazy over analysing everything.

benson1 · Oct 25, 2009, 09:22 AM

Yeah u are right so should I text saying forget about the month thing as its unrealistic to assume it will be OK or just leave it?

Jayjay027 · Oct 25, 2009, 10:07 AM

No don't text him at all. Just leave it.

benson1 · Oct 25, 2009, 10:08 AM

Yeah good plan! I do need to just open up to the fact that its over!
Feel good today! Hope it sticks though! X

benson1 · Oct 26, 2009, 10:13 AM

Ok so the ex just text me. I was managing a big event on Sunday and his flatmate was the front man for it! He text saying sorry I know we said no contact but was wondering how the event went? Do I reply? Help!

amicon · Oct 26, 2009, 10:30 AM

Don't reply-if he wants to know he can ask his mate!

Jayjay027 · Oct 26, 2009, 10:58 AM

No don't reply to him at all!
You replying only assures him that you're still speaking to him, and that's only going to make him feel better, and make you feel worse.
Don't text him!

benson1 · Oct 27, 2009, 02:45 AM

My ex called me lastnight. It was on my house phone so I was unawre that it was him. We had a long chat about how I was feeling and how he was feeling.

He said because he is turning 30, he keeps thinking about what people think about him, That he should be settling down getting married and having kids, but that he is not sure that's what he wants and does not want to waste my time.

I explained to him that I don't know if I want those things and that I am only 25 just out of uni and got a proper job. I explained that marriage and kids has not even crossed my mind, that I'm not sure if it is something that I want or not.

Then we started talking about love, We talked about how we did not know if we were in love or not. I told him that I never felt pressured into having to say that I loved him and assumed he was happy that I was not expecting it from him.

We do this thing as a couple, where we say I appreciate you to each other and for me it was not me trying to say I love you because I think if your in love you need to say it you can't hold it in. But because we were both unsure we would say that.

He thought that maybe I was saying it because I couldn't say I love you, and I told him that sometimes I feel pressure to say it because all my friends are going on about beinging in love and only been with their boyfriends for like 5 months and we have been together 10 and not said it! But that I never felt pressure from him so was happy.

We were kind of both stumped at the end I said we should have no contact for a while and that if he feels like he NEEDS to be in love right now then it wouldn't work , but if he is happy to see where things go then it might. I explained I have no plans when it comes to marriage and kids, all I'm concentrating on is a career and hopefully seeing more of the world.

I told him that we need to decide whether we are happy to see where the ride takes us or go our separate ways as there was no between, as I would not just be his friend.

He says he is happy with that and I feel a lot more comfortable too. I just want to know what you guiys thought? Do you HAVE to be in love after 10 months? Is there set rules? Can you be happy not knowing how you feel but see where it takes you?

Please help!

amicon · Oct 27, 2009, 03:09 AM

Generally speaking Id say that ten months isn't a very long time.
There s no rule that says you HAVE to be in love or love after any specific period.
Taking things nice and slow is to my mind always a good idea.
I hope you re feeling better now.

benson1 · Oct 27, 2009, 03:18 AM

Yeah feeling better now, do u think I have done the right thing by taking time out?

amicon · Oct 27, 2009, 03:29 AM

Yes you need it for yourself. Be your own priority.
Concentrate on your career for now and look after yourself.

benson1 · Oct 27, 2009, 04:14 AM

Yeah I will, so from now is on it nc until someone decided what it is they want?

amicon · Oct 27, 2009, 04:19 AM

Good idea.
Good luck.

benson1 · Oct 27, 2009, 05:18 AM

Is there danger that he just wants to be friends from what he was saying on the phone?

amicon · Oct 27, 2009, 05:24 AM

Benson we can't know what he thinks or means. You re better off not trying to secondguess him as it is a waste of time. You have your life to lead and don't put it on hold for him.

talaniman · Oct 27, 2009, 05:49 AM

Don't make the same mistake many of us do. We base our decisions on the confusion our ex feels, and that gives us false hope. That's why we do NC, to avoid false hope, and confusion, so we can make better decisions based on facts.

His actions are clear, he wants to keep you close as a friend, but doesn't want anything beyond that, and he doesn't want you to move beyond him. Then he has what he wants, but all you will have is the false hope for more.

Its time to leave him alone to come to his own conclusions now, and end this limbo your in, stop second guessing your own decisions and ignore his attempts to keep you in his life, so he won't feel lonely. He is afraid to take a risk to work with you any longer, and won't let you go to be happy.

That's not a healthy situation for you, nor is he a good bet for a relationship. His actions says it all, so no further contact whatsoever is my advice. Misery loves company, and that's not what you want, more misery and pain.

benson1 · Oct 27, 2009, 05:57 AM

I'm not looking at it as a break I know it's a break up and I feel a lot better than I did lastweek and I'm feel happier everything is out in the open. I'm happy to leave things as they are until I know if I'm better with or without him

But am I wrong for believing him? I mean I'm only 25 but I'm not sure how I would feel if everyone around me was getting settled maybe I would feel pressured too.

talaniman · Oct 27, 2009, 07:08 AM

What good does it do to want what others have? When you have the right partner you will have it too.

He was honest with you, he doesn't feel the love. That's the fact you deal with. Its easy to envy what others have, and want it, but quite another thing to go through the changes of getting it. You two are just not on the same page.

benson1 · Nov 1, 2009, 02:35 PM

OK my ex contacted me lastnight. He text saying I miss you. I had had a few drinks and told him I missed him too. Then he asked if he could come over. I told him no because I had people over. He simply said "no problem have a good night". I didn't reply

Then this morning he text saying sorry for texting you lastnight I do miss you and I'm sorry I shouldn't have text (we agreed nc for a month) hope you had a good night otherwise"

I left it for a few hours then text back saying. its a bit long winded

" I miss you too but you clearly are not able to decide if its enough to be with me and that's why you need to think hard about whether you want me in your life. These issues just don't exists (he thinks he is wasting my time because he is not sure if he wants kids, marriage etc) U know how I feel about you so you need to think about how you feel about me. Until then I'm moving on in a way because I also need to accept that you might feel so unhappy with yourself for awhile and I can't wait. I told him that I wished we could get through this together but I kind of understand he needs to sort himself out alone.

Have I done the right thing?

He text back and said he it is up to him to sort his head out and find out what I want but understands he can't just hang around waiting.

He then explained that although it has nothing to do with me he needs to figure out about going back to uni before he can make any decisions.

Sorry to harp on guys but I'm struggling a bit? Do you think he does want to get back, he is just a bit "messed up" ?

HELP!

Jayjay027 · Nov 1, 2009, 03:01 PM

He seems messed up to be perfectly honest.

He tells you one thing, waits a while, then tells you something different!

To be honest, that's what my boyfriend did to me before we got back together. And that's why I kept ignoring his texts - u don't speak to him for a while, and then you reply, and you're right back to square one.
If you're going to go the NC route, you have to stick to it no matter what!
My boyfriend told me he missed me too, and he said "maybe there could be a chance of us getting back together" - but until he actually asked for me back, I kept ignoring him, because replying only made me feel worse.

You can't keep setting yourself back by replying. You aren't doing yourself any favours!