This is the second day of my break up, yes for the time being I have stopped crying but I keep asking why? And like most people over analysing!
I have been going out with my boyfriend for eleven months, everything seemed fine! We had went through the normailitys of meeting friends and parents but there was no pressurem
I'm 24 and he was 28 I just finished uni and got a job, and a new flat. I was just starting. He was working in a call centre and was applying to fire brigade/ police/ and evern considered RAF.
He was also a traveler and new before he met me he wanted to travel. At first I was reluctant however having had a year in the real world travelling sounded like
A great idea! We talked about traveling america after saving and seemed happy both relaxed and enjoy each others company. I am not looking to be married or moving in and it was not mentionedm

Then suddenly Sunday he does not want to be with me! As I understand he had went to his friends to watch his wedding videao( his friends are all married , living with a partner or have kids) then
Suddenly after this visit things between us were too serious and he left under pressure. After a indepth conversation when I asked about how I was pressuring him he could not come up with an answer.
Instead he started crying, he says he feels like a failure and it bringing me down, that he can't help with my friend who is dying with cancer and that I deserve better!
I have told him that he makes all this better althogu he can't take the pain away he makes it better!

He says he feels the relationship should be going somewhere but he has nothing to offer. I know he is down about his job and miserable that he is 28 without a decent job, but that's not how I saw things and feel
If he is so sad why makes things worse by splitting up?

But he won't budge he says his head is all over the place and he nneds time to fester alone, he says he needs a new start go travelling uni or collage and he needs to be alone to do this. He has told me that if he
Didn't feel so rubbish we would still be together. We spoke about a break but he thought that was unfair.
I am now just lost I don't want this to happen however I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that there is nothing I can do.

The reason I am posting this is I need some outside perspective. Do you think he will come roung after a few months or am I living in a fantisy world?
And why lose something due to a bad feeling? Is this an example of male pride or does he just not want me? GOD questions questions! Please help! I want to appologise from grammar and spelling its hard writing this on a phone rather than computer!

You know him, is this really it, or could there be someone new ?

But a real relationship if there was one to start with, has to have communication, and part of that is, learning that the other partner is there for you no matter what.

Did he perhaps have other plans when you graduated, of the two of you living together perhaps,

Benson,it looks like your boyfriend is balking under pressure.From what you said,he has loads on his plate and if you go by many of the posts on this forum,a lot of relationships have had to go through unhappy endings due to these kind of pressures.

Maybe it would be a good idea to just let him be at the moment.After all,if someone has gotten it into his head that he's loaded and his head is all over the place,then convincing him otherwise seldom works.He's in a different zone right now where he isn't capable of thinking of you or the relationship,let alone give you any peace or joy or love.If you want to drag your heels and carry on,you won't find much to get out of the relationship.He's already been upfront about that part.So you can't say he didn't tell you.If he's willing to let go off the special bond that you share,its only because he has a good reason.You may not find it acceptable but that's just the way it is.

Back off,let him be.Let him figure out stuff on his own and understand what he wants.In the meantime,you just think of it as an episode you enjoyed while it lasted but nothing more than that because it takes two to make a relationship work.Lead your own life,get busy in activities and Don't WAIT FOR HIM.Move on.

Thanks for getting back to me. I know he is not seeing anyone else I don't know why I just know that's not it!
I know what your saying and I know your right about leaving him be and no one want someone who does not give 100% I'm just really struggling with it all the now
I keep asking if its me? Am I not ebough which I know is not healthy. He text me there asking if I wanted concert tickets he bought me I said for him to keep them and he said he can't go he will get too upset.
I just think why do this then? Over analysing I know but its driving me mad!

The shock that comes with a break up brings to the surface all the insecurites we thought we didn't have.

Someone we loved and trusted and made plans with has thrown a spanner in the works,left us reeling and they then have all this guilt for the hurt they caused,making them ring and make contact,confusing us more.

In my own experience of breaking up with someone, it was never a spur of the moment thing,but something I considered for a while,one small row later,and its over.

This may have been something that was on his mind for a while.

As staryynights mentioned,his head is all over the place at the moment,and really there is nothing you can do about it..

Allow yourself time to play the sad songs and cry and be miserable, then,pick yourself up and get on with your life, he is making his own plans now without you, you need to do the same.

If he does contact how do you know if he genuinly wants to get back? I know I have to move on but what if thibgs change? How do I know he means it?

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Originally Posted by benson1

If he does contact how do you know if he genuinly wants to get back? I know I have to move on but what if thibgs change? How do I know he means it?

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Because he will say.. I love you,I made a terrible mistake, I got scared about the commitment and ran away,forgive me... or words to that effect,anything else is just a smoke screen for his guilt.

So I should just leave him be and not contact him until he contacts me?I know this sounds silly but when someone asks for their stuff back or offers your back does that mean it's a clear sign there is no chnace? Cause that's not happened yet or am I just clinging!
I feel he is doint the wrong thing cause he talking about traveling and uni because "he is running out of ideas" not because its something he wants that's the hard thing about all this!

Sometimes the stuff does not matter,only getting out of the situation.

Don't contact him.

The thing is,as much as you feel you know him,no one can truly know why people do the things they do,it's a lifetime of experiences,education,nature,nurture that help bring about the choices and decisions we make.

You can't know what he's thinking,as far as he is concerned, he is probbaly doing the right thing for him.. who knows?

He may come back,but for now,you need to focus on you.

And no contact is a good starting point.

Ok thanks so much for the advice I know what your saying is right and I can't contact him cause it will just
Make it worse I need to give him his space. I just want to feel better now I don't
Want to feel so sad anymore which is so hard!

Try not too sink into the misery,even though there's comfort in wallowing..

Call some friends,or go home for a while,being around family,even if they drive you nuts,can be a welcome distraction.

Get busy,exercise so your tried at night.

You may feel bad now, but we all do after a break up. Don't take it personally, he is confused about himself, and not ready for the adult relationship you are, and is finding himself. Let him, and leave him alone.

You tried, but had the wrong partner, at the wrong time, is all. All break ups suck, but they open the door to better options and opportunities.

Ok so the ex just txt me he says he is taking his relationship status down on fb but he misses me, then he was going on about staying in contact!but on my terms (when 3 days ago he told me to leave him alone) His head is all over the place. He told me he feels like he is having a mid life crisis and can't shift it. I told him he is confused and when he straighten's things out to contact me and that I think we both need space to sort things out. He said he thought that's fair. Do you think that was the right thing to do? Why txt me to say he is changing fb why not just do it?is it guilt or is he missing me?

Basically your letting a confused individual confuse you. When people act wacky, it makes you wacky, so don't leave the door open for his confusion, simply close it and keep it closed until he makes rational sense.

That's what cutting contact, and being unavailable do for you.

I told him he is confused and when he straighten's things out to contact me and that I think we both need space to sort things out.

Great job there Benson... you did the right thing.Dont have any second thoughts about whether you did the right thing and go and undo it.Its always right to put across your own thoughts and opinions in a relationship.Shows that you are capable of taking mature decisions even if the other person is trying to confuse the living daylights out of you.

Now begins your real challenge of sticking to your mature step,i.e of backing off and going NC.Thats very important considering that your ex is quite clearly going to keep reaching out to you and confuse you even more.So,stick to your guns and behave like a horse:D--i.e see only the road ahead of you and nothing else that distracts you.

You can do this.We will help.

Thanks guys your advice has been great every time I feel the need to contact him I just read it!
I am starting to feel a little lonely but I know that will take a wee bit longer to pass and I need to stick to nc.
Just wish he would sort himself out now! Abd see sense! Why is he reaching it out? Does he just want it both ways? To see me but not to feel attached?

Why is he reaching it out? Does he just want it both ways? To see me but not to feel attached?

Don't even go there,questioning yourself as to what's happening inside his mind and all that.Thats dangerous because it just takes you around in circles,without giving you any answer.Just know that you tried and gave it your best shot but if the other person just isn't there,all the way,there's no point in being together,is there?

Quit analysing,replaying the whole thing over and over again in your mind.That just drags you back.Instead,focus on yourself,dig out things you want to do,hobbies you wanted to pursue and keep yourself busy.One fine day,you will realise you are happy you took a decision in moving forward.You'll have a whole new life that would be more exciting.

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Originally Posted by benson1

Thanks guys ur advice has been great everytime I feel the need to contact him I just read it!
I am starting to feel a little lonely but I know that will take a wee bit longer to pass and I need to stick to nc.
Just wish he would sort himself out now! Abd see sense! Why is he reaching it out? Does he just want it both ways? To see me but not to feel attached?

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You may be onto something there, he wants the benefits that go with a girlfriend,example,the support and friendship,but,he has no responsibility for your emotions or hurting you..

Great for him,not so great for you..

Nothing but confusion comes from trying to figure out their thoughts or analyzing their behaviour.
Focus on you now-do things that make you feel good.
Get emotional support from people who care about you and keep busy.

I know I will keep busy, but from what you guys have read do you think he will get it together? And want to start a fresh? I know I can't think like that, but I feel I need a straight answer