[bluedog9]

Try: A Shrink for Men

Might ring some bells.

Yeah. Wow. I've looked at Borderline before... and I can't tell you how many times I've sat in her room on Saturday morning, trying to start/plan the day, and she just talks away for an hour on the phone. No problem, I am understanding. I tell her I'm going to run make lunch, be back in an hour... and all hell breaks loose cause I just 'left'. Abandonment. Rejection... because I wanted to make her lunch...

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Chief among these is splitting, in which a person or thing is seen as all good or all bad.

Note that something which is all good one day can be all bad the next, which is related to another symptom: borderlines have problems with object constancy in people -- they read each action of people in their lives as if there were no prior context; they don't have a sense of continuity and consistency about people and things in their lives. They have a hard time experiencing an absent loved one as a loving presence in their minds. They also have difficulty seeing all of the actions taken by a person over a period as part of an integrated whole, and tend instead to analyze individual actions in an attempt to divine their individual meanings. People are defined by how they lasted interacted with the borderline.

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Thanks, Gemini!

I've been able to tell her, and she hear, that I think that what has happened is that no matter what I do, it is wrong.

She looks as this as my fault... my lack of confidence, I'm not being the confident 'me' I used to be, etc, etc. If I would only tell her my honest feelings, it wouldn't be this way, but I 'hide' them. Yeah, I guess I've learned to!!

[bluedog9]

Try: A Shrink for Men

Might ring some bells.

And... this is the gold star winner.

Especially describer her 'clinger' phase --- how myself, and every other boyfriend I've heard about, is so very, very trapper and allured by her initial attentions...


How a Borderline Personality Disorder Love Relationship Evolves - Roger Melton, M.A.



Agree??

[Gemini54]

And.........this is the gold star winner.

Especially describer her 'clinger' phase --- how myself, and every other boyfriend I've heard about, is so very, very trapper and allured by her initial attentions.....

How a Borderline Personality Disorder Love Relationship Evolves - Roger Melton, M.A.

Agree???

I don't know her, so I can't tell. Only you can. From what is posted on this Forum however, women with these personality disorders are either increasing, or are being increasingly identified. Men too. Scary.

[bluedog9]

I only post this as some type of sharing catharsis...

We split up... and eventually started the blame game. Eventually I told her what I thought she had done. I left out the IM's and emails with her words saying she cheated on me. I laid out that I saw her with someone out, that I saw her car parked at another guy's house... that I know she lied about certain things that are simple facts.

And this is her response:



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I don't know why you are sending this now, if it's a closure thing or just a now that I have nothing to loose I can say all this stuff type of thing...

In the end I just know that I had completely NO idea you had all this junk in your head... and I can see clearly why you came to the conclusions you came too... I'm sorry you have been so tortured and could not tell me... and so the cycle goes... and what brought us to this point is forever immortalized in an email... lack of honesty...
I'm sorry if anything I did made you believe these things... I was faithful to you until last week... my explainations were not satisfactory, the reasons my feelings were running short were not satisfactory, the truth was not satisfactory... in the end there was no other person destroying us or invading your territory... as much as your doubt...

My feelings, where I kept trying to put you, was an genuine attempt to save our relationship, not for me to cat around. I see now that many questions I asked you, while trying to see where you were emotionally have just led to fortifying your position about what I 'must have been asking'... when I posted that song... it was about how I felt about you...

It's easier to loose than keep fighting you
I've got nothing left to prove
She said and gave in

Had absolutely nothing to do with anyone but you... wow

"i reach ahead in front of me and all i get is nothing..."

You were supposed to hear something else... and true to our relationship... that was not the case... and so after reading you letter, know I don't hate you... I don't regret, I know beyond knowing... we are SO wrong for each other...

We will never be able to be the relationship either of us wants... you want approval and I just want the damn truth... I am not you... I am not anything like you've seen before... the normal rules don't apply to me... I don't think like you or anyone else... so yeah I can see why you think what you think... but I'm looking for a man that doesn't default to that every time his feelings get hurt... and maybe that doesn't exist in which case I'm happy to be alone not to have to deal with this ever again. I would rather have my autonomy all day long then continue to defend myself against the assumptions of the scarlet A... and maybe you can understand that... not saying you are wrong for feeling like you do... but I am looking for someone who is capable of giving the gift back to me... acceptance approval unconditional love and a strong belief in where my heart lies... someone who sees the level of my dedication and trusts it... if I can't have that I don't want anything...

So I feel like you were exactly the stranger I imagined you to be... all things I didn't not know about how you felt... and I don't sleep with strangers... I don't risk getting pregnant by strangers... this was not ever about me finding anything anywhere else... what we lost we lost all our own.. there is no man or lack of morality you can blame this on...

We did this... I am sorry you could not trust me, and that I could not bring you the comfort necessary to do that...
I understand you far better than you think... one day you will realize... one day you will realize this was never about what you were hiding from me... I could see it clearly... it's about what you never saw in me and what you are unable to give at this time... and what you chose to see and believe... what you can't help believe... and what I do not have the strength or fotitude to compensate for...

What you need I can not give, and what I need you can not be

I need a secure man
And you need a woman more like your ex-wife than me.

I love you dear heart... you are a good and loving person... the demons I speak of all this time are not the demons you imagine from my end... but the demons that were there long before I arrived... what I say you imagine as fantoms in the mist is not because you might not have had reason to feel the way you do... but the difference in how a healthy person would approach those doubts... these are the demons I speak of not men in the misty waters of my privates... in the end it's a lot of conjecture about things I've said and done... without every really knowing how or what they meant...

In other words a deep sense of feeling like you never never knew me, and you never will... and a million 23 page emails can not fix what has gone unnoticed for over 2 years... me the me inside... I can read your email and know you do not know me... I am the shadow of the demons that rest in your head... I am that ex-gf that cheated on you in college, and every other girl that must have done you wrong... because deep down inside you can not believe you are worth being loved... and until you find your way past that demon... no one will be what you need... these are the demons/fantoms in the mist...

Your power rests within yourself... and I hope you find it one day...

Much love

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Completely denied everything - ignored it other than 'i understand why you came to that conclusion' - and then admitted to sleeping w/ someone last week. So... she was lying in her emails and IM's to people? I can't believe there is a person this dishonest that I actually know. I'm questioning my own sanity. If I didn't make copies of the emails, I would think I made it up. She sounds like she believes what she is saying.

OMFG.

[Synnen]

Just LET IT GO.

Stop with the contact.

Move on.

[talaniman]

Doesn't matter what she says, or thinks, or does, any more. It just matters what you do next. Break ups suck, no matter the reasons, or circumstances, but a least the wondering is over, if you take the time to let it go!!

Sorry for your loss.

Talaniman Rule- Never expect some one to admit to being a lying, cheating fool! Its never going to happen.

[Devorameira]

I don't think you can eliminate the insecurity because the insecurity is not in the relationship - it's in you. You knew she was a stripper when you met her, so don't try to blame her for what she does for a living.

Try to see it for a moment from her point of view. She met a guy (you) who really interested her, a guy she thought accepted her for who she was and what she did in life. Then suddenly you're treating her as if her job and past is like leprosy.

I feel you should start to look for a therapist to work on your insecurity issues before it has a chance to derail a wonderful realtionship. Lots of luck!

-------------------------------------------------------

:)

[Synnen]

I don't think you can eliminate the insecurity because the insecurity is not in the relationship - it's in you. You knew she was a stripper when you met her, so don't try to blame her for what she does for a living.

Try to see it for a moment from her point of view. She met a guy (you) who really interested her, a guy she thought accepted her for who she was and what she did in life. Then suddenly you're treating her as if her job and past is like leprosy.

I feel you should start to look for a therapist to work on your insecurity issues before it has a chance to derail a wonderful realtionship. Lots of luck!

-------------------------------------------------------

:)

Please read all the way through a thread before responding.

The relationship has been over for a while now.

[bluedog9]

Doesn't matter what she says, or thinks, or does, any more. It just matters what you do next. Break ups suck, no matter the reasons, or circumstances, but a least the wondering is over, if you take the time to let it go!!

Sorry for your loss.

Talaniman Rule- Never expect some one to admit to being a lying, cheating fool! Its never going to happen.

Thanks for the sentiments. And I love your rule.

Just had to share. Immediately I started thinking she continues to lie to protect my feelings. You would think at some point I would quit attributing selfless objectives to her selfish, lying, manipulative behaviors. I just want to believe.

We sanctify when we say goodbye and grieve. I've got to stop. It's a long road back, but I'm on the right path I believe.


Thanks again for everyone's comments.

I do have a therpaist... I'm in good hands. I will accept donations for that fund however. PM me. ;)