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JessG_ · Feb 1, 2009, 03:01 PM

My ex boyfriend broke up with me about 3 months ago as "he doesn't want to be tide down, and is afraid of commitment". (He's 25 and has never had a girlfriend for more then a year) but we have never really stopd hooking up.. I really care about him so sort of tolerated this situation for a while..

Lately it felt like things were finally turning around we were getting on very well and I can tell that he still has strong feelings for me. But no matter how much I try and 'harden up' and not care that he still wants to hook up with other people I just cant!

Soo last weekend we had a bit of a falling out and I told him that I can't see him anymore because its too hard for me and if he really doesn't want to be with then we should keep our distance.. To which he just agreed to!

The point is I don't know how long I can go without seeing him because I know I'll miss him a lot.. He is going away for a month soon which will be good.. out of sight out of mind.. Not really true but anyway. This has happened before though and when he came back we just fell back into the old situation.. I'm going around in circles! And even though its hurting me I can't stop seeing him altogether!

What should I do?? I want to be with him, he is actually a really good guy and I don't know what to do because I try and pretend I'm fine with the situation" I think it'll be fine I'll just keep seeing him until I find someone better" but I never meet anyone else because no matter how many guys ask me out I can't give them a chance because I keep comparing them to him... Please help :(

zeffur · Feb 1, 2009, 03:19 PM

As hard as it may be for you to do, start seeing other males. Your current ex boyfriend is a waste of your time.

Note: The average female marries at 27 & the average male marries at 28 or 29. Look for a male in that age range who is finished with his education, who has a good income, & who is looking to settled down. Don't waste your time on players who could potentially infect you with an STD from someone else they are sexing. Remember.. condoms sometimes break or come off during intercourse. Value your life more & choose a better breed of male. Happy dating!

N0help4u · Feb 1, 2009, 03:27 PM

You want commitment
He wants 'booty call' or friends with benefits.
As long as you melt for him he is going to keep taking advantage of your vulnerability to him. He is your addiction. You need to realize that you are not doing anything much more than being used and allowing it to happen. Sure he might care for you and feel ties with you but he is not any more interested in getting attached to you than any of the other girls he hooks up with.
You need to get out and meet other guys, get more friends and interests to take your mind off him.
If you continue the way you are going you are going to be in the same place you are now in 5, 10, 20 years from now. Do you really want your life to be that stagnet??

JessG_ · Feb 1, 2009, 03:36 PM

I know I just don't know what I did wrong.. because in the beginning he was just perfect and then he suddenly just decided that he doesn't want to be with me anymore!

I'm just scared that its going to happen again with another guy.. I don't want to be hurt anymore. Maybe I should be more tough about this but this has happened to me 2 times now in a similar way..

At first the guys are sooooo into to me and as soon as I start liking them back they are happy for a while but then start losing interest in a few months.. ( I have had a 4 year relationship before but I ended that and this has happened since).

I don't know if I'm doing something wrong or if I just go for the wrong type of guy (I do have a specific type) or if both??

jenn4094u · Feb 1, 2009, 03:39 PM

Get a copy of the book "He's Just Not the Into You" and read it. Good guy or not, he cannot possible have the love and respect for you that you do for him. This is a no-win situation and you are most likely wasting your time. It is never easy to let go of people we care about, but ultimately you are only hurting yourself by continuing this "relationship".

N0help4u · Feb 1, 2009, 03:41 PM

You didn't do anything wrong except fall for a player. Guys always put their best image forward when they meet a girl they want to get. Then after the girl is hung up on them then the alter ego comes out.

I have had three bf's in the past 12 years that I really cared about and that is the way it was with all of them. They throw out the fishing rod, we take the bait, they reel us in and then we get sunk!

JessG_ · Feb 1, 2009, 04:12 PM

Ahh its so true! And the sad part is that I know this is a fact but yet I still can't stop seeing the good in him! I think maybe if we keep hanging out he will realise that what we have is real.. How dumb am I!

And every time I tell myself that it is the last time and I'm going to stop.. He says he tells himself he's going to stop seeing me all the time as well but he just cant.. But yet he still doesn't want to be my boyfriend!

Maybe I've got issues with letting go I don't know but whenever I fall for someone it takes me ages to move on.. I just wish I could meet someone else and not care about him anymore..

sully123 · Feb 1, 2009, 04:20 PM

I think he sounds like he doesn't want to commit and wants to see other people. It's just him, some people when they get too close its too much for them, and their then out of the picture. Maybe at one time he was hurt by someone, I don't know. But I would just move on, and if its meant to be, then he will contact you somewhere down the line. But I wouldn't put my life on hold for anyone..

N0help4u · Feb 1, 2009, 04:22 PM

The only possible way he MIGHT realize what he had with you is cut him off----completely. Then when he wants to wake up and grow up MAYBE he will come back. BUT if he really wanted to commit I doubt him coming back in any short amount of time would amount to any more than trying to sucker you back in.
You need to constantly make him out as the bad guy that you are through with to kind of get over the love image and expectations you had for him and get on with your life without him!
You can do it you just need to use will power and be realistic with yourself and your future. Quit living for the here and now and live toward what you want out of life in 5 to 20 years from now.

talaniman · Feb 1, 2009, 06:16 PM

Talaniman Rule-When you break up, don't hook up!!!

JessG_ · Feb 2, 2009, 01:15 AM

I know! I suppose its just a way to still be close to him.. Its like better then nothing.. But as time goes by its only getting more difficult to let go!

Its been only a day since I told him I'm not going to see him anymore.. I miss him :(