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mudweiser · Sep 15, 2009, 07:42 PM

Since the threads have merged now it makes more sense now.. to break up!

Unless of course BOTH you and him WANT to work out the relationship with a counselor.

In my opinion this relationship should have been over a long time ago.

Time to move on.

Sarah

Starry nights · Sep 15, 2009, 11:31 PM

Originally Posted by mudweiser

Since the threads have merged now it makes more sense now.. to break up!

Unless of course BOTH you and him WANT to work out the relationship with a counselor.

In my opinion this relationship should have been over a long time ago.

Time to move on.

Sarah

Its so heartening to see this forum's regular people take so much effort in addressing the prioblems of someone in pain and confusion.Seriously,you guys and gals,you rock totally and I really thank my lucky stars I found you all out when I needed you the most.

But yes j_ely,there's a lot of thinking you need to do about this relationship you are in.If someone is forever coming back to you with shrink-talk about YOUR insecurities and not being able to DISCUSS issues maturely and instead acts DEFENSIVE and tries to make you feel GUILTY about trying to sort things out,then there's definitely a liot of ATTITUDE issues that need to be dealt with first.A lot of analysis,finding ways and means to get through to him,allowing him to come to you than you having to always take the lead and so on and so forth.Are you ready to take on so much stress in your relationship?Are you prepared to deal with his cheating ways,willing to give a LOT of TIME and PATIENCE to make this relationship work?

j_ely823 · Sep 16, 2009, 12:58 PM

Update; So yesterday I wasn't quite able to communicate to him exactly how everything was making me feel and he got a headache, so I let him go to sleep. As a means to alleviate all the issues that arise regarding his internet/computer usage and talking with others, he attempted to modify his contact list, which by the way wasn't enough, but I appreciated the effort. I told him so as well. Anyway, I just feel like he doesn't understand what his lying and cheating has done to our relationship. Its not that it can't be fixed its just he needs to put A LOT of effort into it. Whether he's capable of doing so I don't know... I guess I should work with a time frame?

Cat1864 · Sep 16, 2009, 01:06 PM

Originally Posted by j_ely823

Anyway, i just feel like he doesnt understand what his lying and cheating has done to our relationship. Its not that it can't be fixed its just he needs to put A LOT of effort into it.

Remember that you have to work on it too. He isn't the only one who messed up so it is unfair to make him do all the "fixing".

j_ely823 · Sep 16, 2009, 01:12 PM

I know, but if you read the other post; its like a 2:1 situation and he seems more prone to fault or something, I'm not sure why; I don't even really have to try to keep from doing anything wrong, and if I do, I realize it and apologize. But, just recently, I asked him a question for assurance, and he replied as if he didn't want to answer it or like he didn't care. And even if we do split; he said he will hate me for a while and not want to talk to me unless we are in a relationship again. I don't understand that because he says he loves me and I'm most important to him, yet I don't agree with that attitude. I feel the same way in terms of loving him as a person, but I would like to remain friends... =/

zippit · Sep 16, 2009, 01:59 PM

Originally Posted by j_ely823

And even if we do split; he said he will hate me for a while and not want to talk to me unless we are in a relationship again.

Everyone deals with a split-up differently,this is just his way of a N/C
You two really should find better things to talk about than what if's.

Romefalls19 · Sep 16, 2009, 02:02 PM

With your rationale it's no wonder why he has a headache. I don't care if he has cheated 30 times and you have only once, cheating is cheating. There is just as much damage done regardless. You continue to rationalize your cheating by his number of times. He tries to compromise with his contact list, and still you aren't happy.

People may get mad at me for this, but I'd be gone. If you cannot compromise in a relationship, then you don't belong in one. It's 50/50 not any other numbers.

j_ely823 · Sep 16, 2009, 03:52 PM

I know compromise is necessary. But my question would therefore be, what are we compromising?

Romefalls19 · Sep 16, 2009, 03:56 PM

I don't know everything in the relationship so I can't say. He tried to do something with the buddy list, and now you still aren't happy.

j_ely823 · Sep 16, 2009, 04:05 PM

Ok. Well for instance, I don't drink anymore, I don't smoke anymore. I don't hang out with guys alone anymore. These are all things I yielded into doing so he would trust and be comfortable with me. Only when I brought those things to his attention did he concede his efforts in fighting me, and decide to do the same thing. What else can be compromised on my behalf, I feel like I've done everythng for some reason and he never knows, if I ask him.

zippit · Sep 16, 2009, 04:20 PM

J-ELY I just went through the hole thread and re-read it paying special attention to your comments (and I invite you to do the same) I have to say I think you are just wearing this guy out,I actually feel sorry for him.you are very intellegent and have good arguments but good gosh girl let it go.. take some time off from the issues to re-invent the relationship. ALSO
It seems to me you enjoy attacking him at night when he is tired and wants to sleep and I have to warn you that, that is a form of abuse,it's a wear down tactic and is not healthy.chill out for awhile take things slower

j_ely823 · Sep 16, 2009, 04:25 PM

When you say chill out, do u mean a break? Ive tried to initiate but he won't accept. How long do u think long distnce can last?

zippit · Sep 16, 2009, 04:36 PM

What I'm saying is just reside with him without making a fuss on ANY issues for a little while.
Put everything on hold to give yourself a break.
You know I'm not working right now but when I was there was not a lot of issue solving going on during the week,all I wanted to do was come home eat dinner watch some TV and go to bed.how about letting it rest until you can get him away for a drive,or walk and talk a little then.do you really have a time sensitive agenda to get these things solved so quickly?

j_ely823 · Sep 16, 2009, 04:40 PM

No. I think I'm a just letting my OCD get a hold of me; I hate not resolving conflict. Well I guess I just hate when people don't want to do it my way

zippit · Sep 16, 2009, 04:47 PM

Well that's understandable and obvious and is why I gave the advise I did,sometimes when you step away from a conflict you give yourself a chance to clear your head and when you come back to it you find yourself to have a different set of issues based on your reflection,these new set of issues tend to be based more on the core of the proublem where as now you know something is not right and you are obsessed with making it better but your jumping around on your issues pick one and work on it for starters

zippit · Sep 16, 2009, 04:50 PM

Originally Posted by j_ely823

Ok. Well for instance, I dont drink anymore, I dont smoke anymore. I dont hang out with guys alone anymore. These are all things I yielded into doing so he would trust and be comfortable with me.
.

These are things that benefit you the most and you should have done them anyway for yourself.how long ago did you do all this?

talaniman · Sep 16, 2009, 06:30 PM

Not surprising two cheaters not getting along. Hard to build a relationship with no trust, no communications, no willingness to work together. There can't be much love then. At least not that I can see.

j_ely823 · Sep 17, 2009, 10:53 AM

Well, I let you guys in on something. I believe I cannot leave him, and I wish to resolve everything because when we are together, just having fun, spending time, and always when we have sex/make love--It is the most amazing feeling. When we aren't fighting, debating about anything--i feel so much love emanating from him, and so I too re-invest it back into him. And if you bo back on the thread... the user named Lstfly... that was him.

talaniman · Sep 17, 2009, 01:20 PM

And he ask you some good questions too.

j_ely823 · Sep 17, 2009, 02:02 PM

Yes... and we both capitulated to some things... but you don't think me asking him to not go and hang out with girls indivually, and keeping women he used to flirt with on his contact list--was proptitious for our relationship? I mean I stopped smoking( weed) and drinking (altogether) when he told he he didn't like that... When I asked of him he made big deal out of it