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s_cianci · Sep 12, 2009, 08:18 AM

I'm sorry you were abused as a child. But you seem to have bounced back from that remarkably and you're obviously a very friendly and loving woman. That's going to attract people. And having a sex drive is perfectly normal, so when someone is attracted to you they naturally will want to have sex with you. Now that doesn't always mean it's right and proper to do so. Married men, bosses, other peoples' boyfriends, etc. are off-limits of course, even if they feel attracted to you. And as for being "no great beauty", you may be more attractive than you realize. Perhaps the abuse you sustained as a child has decreased your sex drive. You may want to consider talking to a counselor.

zippit · Sep 12, 2009, 08:41 AM

You mentioned not looking a man in his eyes
I wonder if that coulod be part of the proublem if its not sending a message of weakness so he feels you as a mark?
Two things a hard firm look may help and
Do you wear a ring on your wedding finger?

Oz_Elder · Sep 12, 2009, 11:04 PM

Reply to Excon

Originally Posted by excon

Hello Oz:
I've been reading... And, I'm a bit confused...
excon

Hiya Excon, what are you confused about?
Also, why do I have an UNNATURAL view of hetrosexual relationships?
And yes, my latest partner would like sex ever time he comes over...
And sometimes (in fact more and more frequently) I do not feel like it - because I am not a prostitute... I do not expect favours for sex.
I like his company, I like our conversations, though every time he comes over he gets turned on and I feel like crap if I say no.
I guess I don't particularly like the pressure, so I would rather he didn't come over very often.
Also, I do not like the way you insinuate that I have a mental problem.
I am quite sane.

Oz_Elder · Sep 12, 2009, 11:08 PM

Reply to s_cianci
Very nice post :-)
Want to have sex ;-)
Hahahahahaha (JOKE)!

MsMewiththat · Sep 12, 2009, 11:15 PM

Originally Posted by Oz_Elder

reply to s_cianci
very nice post :-)
wanna have sex ;-)
hahahahahaha (JOKE)!

? If not a troll, get some help

Oz_Elder · Sep 12, 2009, 11:18 PM

Reply to zippit

I do not look many people in the eyes... male or female.
I find it a very strong and powerful means of communication.

I takes quite a while for me to be around someone (I need to be very comfortable with them) before I can look them directly in the eyes, and even then it remains difficult.

I have to either be very angry with them, or very attracted to them, or needing to stress an important point in my conversation... or something like that... to be able to give others total eyeball contact - one on one. I have spoken in public on a number of occasions in front of large crowds of people, that is when I give direct eye contact the most frequently, I seem to move people (a lot) when I give eye contact.
I guess it is a big fear of mine to be honest, always has been.
Something I am trying to grow above - and yes I have had professional counselling in the past, fairly recently and can go back for further session should I feel the need to.

Thanks everyone for your replies...
Quite a bit to think about :-)

Oz_Elder · Sep 12, 2009, 11:20 PM

MsMewiththat
Grow a sense of humour

MsMewiththat · Sep 12, 2009, 11:26 PM

I have a sense of humor. However, you are here asking people for help. Jokes like the one you made, might threw people off. How can we tell? So I apologize to you. Perhaps it was way too harsh, but your comment really threw me off. How sincere are you about growing?

excon · Sep 12, 2009, 11:28 PM

Originally Posted by Oz_Elder

Also, why do i have an UNNATURAL view of hetrosexual relationships?

i guess i don't particularly like the pressure, so i would rather he didn't come over very often.

Hello again, Oz:

I say you have an unnatural view of sex because you DON'T LIKE sex, and that is UNNATURAL. Women in a relationship, who have a natural view of sex, DON'T feel pressure to HAVE sex. If anything, they're APPLYING the pressure.

excon

MsMewiththat · Sep 12, 2009, 11:33 PM

Excon you know I love you in a really stalkerish kind of way... I had to spread the rep, but you know we apply lots and lots of pressure...

Oz_Elder · Sep 13, 2009, 12:15 AM

Hi Excon and Ms
Firstly Ms,
My apologies to you for not acknowledging your first post, it was good advice and I took it on board. I answered everyone else (I think) and missed yours as it was the first one I read...
So I am very sorry about that. My non-acknowledgement actually shows my agreement and understanding of your good words.
My mood has changed and lifted, I wrote when I was feeling quite down. So to s-cianci...
I guess I liked your post so much (great words - thank you) that I made light of the whole thread by giving you the "come on", it was meant to be lighthearted and shows my sik and twisted sense of humour, but I guess it WAS a bit of a weird thing to say...
So I also apologise to both s_cianci and you Ms...
I am sorry to both of you for causing confusion.

Secondly, excon,
You wrote:
"I say you have an unnatural view of sex because you DON'T LIKE sex, and that is UNNATURAL."
Where and when did I ever say that I did not like sex?
I did not ever say that... YOU said that.

And when you say, and I quote "Women in a relationship, who have a natural view of sex, DON'T feel pressure to HAVE sex. If anything, they're APPLYING the pressure."
That is a very large generalisation. You do not speak for ME, and I am a WOMAN.. and I do feel pressure to have sex with my partner, as HE gets turned on very easily, and I do not.
So when next you generalise like that, I suggest you ask the opinion of all women before you have any right or responsibility speak for them.
excon, I find your input neither helpful or supportive.

Finally, I would like to admit to everyone that I was assaulted in my home and hurt 2 weeks ago. I went to hospital via ambulance and my injuries were recorded. The police were informed.
I do not know who the person was, so I cannot name him, he told me he would put a bullet through my dogs heads if they bit him. I do not want to make a formal statement and take this thing through the court systems, as even if he was charged and I was dragged through numerous court cases, the chances are he would just be fined and he may come back.. a whole lot angrier, with his guns.
I think I am still a bit traumatised from this assault.
I am not looking for sympathy.
Though in total honesty, a little bit of understanding and compassion is what I had hoped to receive when I began this thread.

zippit · Sep 13, 2009, 08:18 AM

Originally Posted by Oz_Elder

Reply to Excon

Hiya Excon, what are you confused about?

.

Now I am confused
Are you here for help or to brag?

I see a lot of bragging.

Oz_Elder · Sep 13, 2009, 08:26 AM

Bloody hell...
Just how the is talking about being assaulted bragging...
Do you comprehend compassion zippit
Goodbye to this place...

Cat1864 · Sep 13, 2009, 08:31 AM

Originally Posted by Oz_Elder

Finally, I would like to admit to everyone that I was assaulted in my home and hurt 2 weeks ago. I went to hospital via ambulance and my injuries were recorded. The police were informed.
I do not know who the person was, so I cannot name him, he told me he would put a bullet through my dogs heads if they bit him. I do not want to make a formal statement and take this thing through the court systems, as even if he was charged and I was dragged through numerous court cases, the chances are he would just be fined and he may come back.. a whole lot angrier, with his guns.
I think I am still a bit traumatised from this assault.
I am not looking for sympathy.
Though in total honesty, a little bit of understanding and compassion is what I had hoped to receive when I began this thread.

Oz, I am going to address this first because it is time sensitive. I realize that you are scared and traumatized by the assault on you as well as the threats to your dogs. I sincerely hope that you are talking to someone who can help you. No one should go through something like that feeling that they are alone. Please remember that any decision you make is yours and no one Else's, but I do want you to think about it.

I realize that you don't know who assaulted you and at this time don't want to know. I am glad that the police were at least "informed", but I, personally, feel that you should make a full report. This "individual" is counting on you and probably other victims (there rarely is just one) staying quiet. He might only get probation for a single case, however, if ALL of his victims come forward it changes to hard jail time for him.

Back to the original problem:

I think you really need to sit down and discuss your relationship with your boyfriend. There seem to be a lot of mixed messages that need clearing up. You may not "have sex" for "favours", but it does sound like you may be (on a subconscious level) enjoying making him "work for it". That isn't healthy for any relationship.

I think a good bit of what you have talked about comes down to control issues. You taking full control as this statement makes it sound:

I do not date anymore as I am in a relationship.
When I am not in a relationship I find something turns up pretty quick. i.e. I meet someone whilst out somewhere and we finish up in a relationship either with or without dating.
I don't tend to beat around the bush or play games (if I am single), if I am physically attracted to someone I admit it, and we have sex. The time frame of meeting to getting between the sheets depends on how close I feel to the person... could be hours... could be days... could be never... depends on their persistence and my sense of security/closeness/attraction to them.

Or feeling like others are taking control (for example the groping and comments).

You seem to be seeing the world as "sex mad" when you aren't the one doing the controlling. I think you really need to think about your perceptions, where they come from and how they influence your view of other people's actions.

zippit · Sep 13, 2009, 08:42 AM

Originally Posted by Oz_Elder

bloody hell...
just how the is talking about being assaulted bragging...
do you comprehend compassion zippit
goodbye to this place...

I owe you a apology your reply #31 either didn't load or I skipped it

I wrote that before reading 31 sorry

excon · Sep 13, 2009, 08:50 AM

Originally Posted by Oz_Elder

Finally, i would like to admit to everyone that i was assaulted in my home and hurt 2 weeks ago. i went to hospital via ambulance and my injuries were recorded. the police were informed.... i do not want to make a formal statement and take this thing through the court systems, as even if he was charged and i was dragged through numerous court cases, the chances are he would just be fined and he may come back.. a whole lot angrier, with his guns.

Originally Posted by Cat1864

I am glad that the police were at least "informed", but I, personally, feel that you should make a full report.

Hello Cat and Oz:

The criminal laws of our land are not based upon whether a victim wants to complain... There is no distinction between "informing" the cops and making a "formal statement". If a crime is reported, it is going to be investigated. The cops don't need your permission... If a perp is found, he will be tried. If you, Oz, don't want to go to court to testify, you can be subpoenaed. If he gets off, it's not because SOCIETY let him out, as you suggest. It's because YOU let him out!

I believe you came here looking for agreement, and you didn't find it. When that happened, you brought up this assault, which of course had NOTHING to do with your original post... I have NO idea why you would mention it, OTHER than you were seeking sympathy.

I know we're not buddies... But, I'm speaking some truth to you...

excon

MsMewiththat · Sep 13, 2009, 11:09 AM

You need to get in a place where you value yourself more. A lot of what is said here is just flat out disturbing. I don't know why, but you are doing far more danger to yourself than you can imagine. STOP and plase Learn to value yourself

Fr_Chuck · Sep 13, 2009, 12:46 PM

I would say you need to report an assult and deal with what happens from that. If not you allow them to make you a victim.

For the other issues, if "every" man is doing this, then perhaps it is something in your nature that is sending some wrong signals to accepted norms in today's society

smoothy · Sep 14, 2009, 04:46 AM

As was said... assults should be reported. Assuming they are still within any statute of limitations.

As far as guys putting the make on you. Attribute this to one or more of the following.

You are attractive.
You have a pleasant personality.
You ooze sex appeal (true this is personality related but its not always tied to a pleasant personality, many have one or the other but not both.)

None of those are negatives on their own. Most women lack one or more of those, few have many of them. But also add that as one grows older the available pool of single people decreases up until mortality starts overtaking us. If you aren't wearing a ring it is assumed you are available.

Most people will not know about your past traumas. So keep that in mind.