[paxe]

Volunteering is a great idea! Actually I'm also starting soon in September to volunter. It helps us get better and it helps other people, what more can we ask for? Besides we meet people that have the same goals.

He is living his life, so you should live yours and try to stop thinking about him. It's hard but get occupied, get busy all the time. It's easy for him because he is the dumper and you are the dumpee, it's much harder for us.

[bella99]

I've done OK this week. I was kind of a mess on Monday night because there were a bunch of pictures posted of him having fun with a bunch of my friends, but I got over it. I decided I was going to go see a councelor to see if that might help. She was OK, but I guess she kind of thinks there isn't anythign all that wrong with me. There isn't but I just feel like I'm letting this hurt me too much.

Today is the 20th day of NC. It seems to be getting a little harder. I just found out that one of my friends isn't going to invite me to her birthday party because my ex will be there. She is his best friend's girl friend. I told her I wish she didn't have to make a choice between us, and that it hurt me.

When he and I broke up it wasn't like something horrible happened to make us break up - he just wasn't into it anymore. I don't understand why he has to be a jerk to me now when he never was before, and why it seems like I can't get invited to things because he might be there. Not fair...

I still don't want to talk to him - this weekend I have to see him each day for my friend's going away party. I'm going to do my best not to talk to him and just stay away. I guess I'll see if I'm any good at it. I just wish my friend's didn't have to shaft me each time because they don't want us together.

I just don't get why htings have to turn out like this - why can't we be civil with each other?

[paxe]

I've done ok this week. I was kind of a mess on Monday nite because there were a bunch of pictures posted of him having fun with a bunch of my friends, but I got over it. I decided I was gonna go see a councelor to see if that might help. She was ok, but I guess she kinda thinks there isn't anythign all that wrong with me. There isn't but I just feel like I'm letting this hurt me too much.

Today is the 20th day of NC. It seems to be getting a little harder. I just found out that one of my friends isn't going to invite me to her bday party because my ex will be there. She is his best friend's girl friend. I told her I wish she didn't have to make a choice between us, and that it hurt me.

when he and I broke up it wasn't like something horrible happened to make us break up - he just wasn't into it anymore. I don't understand why he has to be a jerk to me now when he never was before, and why it seems like I can't get invited to things b/c he might be there. Not fair...

I still don't want to talk to him - this weekend I have to see him each day for my friend's going away party. I'm going to do my best not to talk to him and just stay away. I guess I'll see if I'm any good at it. I just wish my friend's didn't have to shaft me each time because they don't want us together.

I just don't get why htings have to turn out like this - why can't we be civil with each other??

You don't really need a counselor, you're in pain and it's normal. Why do you even want to have any kind of relationship with him? It's hard because he is there but just enjoy yourself even if he is there. Don't look at him. You're doing good with NC just keep going with him. NC is about everything, don't check Facebook with him in the pictures as it will only give you pain.

[Jake2008]

I don't know too many people who can break up, and maintain cordial relations with mutual friends, without making the friends uncomfortable in a situation you described.

I think it is an unfortunate fact of life that friends will change after a breakup, especially couple friends. Eventually you, and your ex, will both have new mates, and it might be different then, but for now, this has changed the friendships.

Maybe it is because he is not as bothered about all of this by you are, that your friends are being thoughtful. I know that sounds strange, but to invite you, they may be thinking the breakup is still too fresh, and they don't want to put you in an awkward position.

The next time you fall in love, he will have friends, and couple friends, and any that you have lost you will regain again, and maybe even more.

Think of it not as being left out or snubbed, but that your friends are also on the spot, and not intentionally trying to hurt you.

[bella99]

I've got to see him tonight and tomorrow at a going away party. But I'm determined to hold it together. Just do my own thing - keep away - and if he says hi - say hi back but keep it short and move on.

Anyone have any good tips to keep me from wanting to monopolize his time? I'm determined not to, but it's always harder to do things than it is to say them. I want to keep myself frm lingering around him.

I promised myself a massage if I can make it through these two days with out drama. Sounds reasonable right?

[talaniman]

Stop worrying how you'll get through the night, and if you can handle yourself. You'll do fine, and have a great time, because that massage idea is some good motivation.

[tickle]

Threads merged




Q1. How do I get him out of my mind - its starting to affect my work.
Q2. With so many mutual friends - how do I deal with this?
Q3. What do I say when I see him out? He's sometimes nice, and sometimes its like he doesnt want me around
Q4. Is there smoethign else I can be doing to move on?
Q5. I dread being home alone now - how do i get over that?

Sorry about the long post and all the questions. I appreciate your help.

You have to answer all these questions yourself, bella, no one can do it for you. You can't let an s/o who has moved on, obviously, effect your livelihood. He doesn't want you around. If they are good friends they will support you, if not, leave them be. Q4, yes take a trip, a vacation, get away, who knows maybe you will meet someone in Jamaica, Bermuda, Mexico. Q5. Get a dog or cat to talk to. They offer unconditional love and actually look at you when you speak to them. Just think positive, maturely, give it a break. He isn't the only fish in the sea.

IMO

Tick

[bella99]

Stop worrying how you'll get thru the night, and if you can handle yourself. You'll do fine, and have a great time, because that massage idea is some good motivation.

Thanks. Yea I think I'll be OK - Just haven't talked/see him in a few weeks so I'm a little nervous. I'm just going to enjoy hanging out wth my friends and not worry too much. Anyway tomorrow I get to go to a bachelorette party after the other party I have to se ehim at - so that will be fun - and he def won't be at that one hahaha.

[talaniman]

Unless he is a male stripper, Hehehehehe!!

[Jake2008]

I hope he's not a male stripper- my husband tried that once, and made $1.00

To Bella, you can't ignore him, you will be faced with at least saying 'hello'. But, after that, keep on movin'. If you stop, or hesitate, and he jumps in with conversation, it will just be harder and harder to walk away.

Good luck, stay strong.

[bella99]

Thanks guys. He didn't show up tonight. I was kind of happy about that, but at the sam time I know its my friend Mandy's going away party - stinks he didn't show, but he always has been kind of selfish. Oh well.

He probably won't show up to her party tomorrow, although I'm going to go. I may be forced to say hi to him, but tahts it - I doubt he would jump in with conversation - he's more of the person who would rather not be faced with talking to me.

He will most likely be at the birthday party I'm supposed to go to after the going away party tomororw, but I already committed to going to a bachelorette party, so I don't have to see him. I might go to the birthday party for an hour, and I already explained it to those guys - they are fine with it.

Sort of a huge load taken off my shoulders, but part of me wishes he would have gone so I would be able to see how I would have handled hanging out in a controlled environment with him. All of his friends LOVE me, so its kind of weird - they were there but he wasn't. Oh well - just lets me go to sleep peacefully tonight. Thanks for your help everyoen!

[paxe]

If he didn't show up then great! Believe me it's MUCH better not to see him. You are still healing, you shouldn't test how much you've "healed". A lot of time I have to go out with my friends, my ex is there... and that doesn't help even a couple of month later. You're doing great! Just keep continuing what you are doing!

[bella99]

Ugh - I hate Facebook - he is now "in a relationship" 4 months to the day we broke up. He's going to both of the parties ill be at this evening - I really hope isn't bringing the girl. I'm pretty sure its this girl he was in class with last semester - and I kind of wonder if that is why we broke up. As soon as spring semester started he started to be weird. Ugh - I'm not really sure how to react to this.

He told me he wasn't looking to be in a relationship with anyone, and here he is already in a relationship with someone - it really hurts me. I know he couldn't care less about me now - and it stinks because I've had him on my mind the entire summer - and I can't get him off my mind. But I'm apparently easily replaced. I'm really hurt right now. Kind of devastated. I know we are both allowed to go out with other people, but why so quickly in another relationship.

[paxe]

It's basically part of life... the pain that is. Just in case you haven't completely understood NC, you should delete everything from everywhere that would be related to him. That means delete him from Facebook, block him and block any email that he could send.

It's common sense, if you have some information about your ex, the pain will not go away. If you cut everything, the pain will go away slowly, but it will go away.

As hard as it is, it's now his life and now it's yours... you shouldn't ask yourself those questions. I understand it is painful... my ex cheated on me, lied to me, used me, then I have to see her from time to time, go to night club with her with a group of friend, and see her give advise to a girl who broke up with her boyfriend because he cheated on her... while my ex cheated on me.

With all that I still manage to be myself and really not to think too much about her. Life is way too short to be thinking about the why's and the if's of people who could just hurt us that easily. Basically you can say you have to redo NC from start... since you've checked his Facebook. Try to avoid him, if you can't try to be concise and don't look at him or think about him during a party. It's hard but it's possible.

[amicon]

This is what people do-and as we are not with them anymore we must accept their choices.of course you are hurting and I feel for you.you know that day by day it DOES get better.try to continue moving on- I understand from your posts you re doing well.

[bella99]

I know I need to delete him from Facebook - that is the source of all of my frustrations - but its hard because part of me wants to know what's going on in his life. Plus we have so many friends in common that I can always see the pics they post of him.

I think I need to stay away from Facebook altogether for a while. I wish I had some more friends that weren't his friends. I hung out with all his friends last night in fact - I've been tryng to make new friends - its just hard.

I was doing kind of well actually before this happened. One of you guys said this to me before but at least rock bottom is firm ground to stand on and start over from.

This still hurts though...

[Jake2008]

It's not easy Bella, but you will live to see another day, and at some point in the near future, you will rest your mind at ease, knowing that what you DO know, is enough to let go of.

You will never have all the answers. Maybe what you are left with is just knowing that you loved him so much, and that is the part that hurts so much to let go of. It is easy to remember the good times, and the bad times may not seem so bad, but it is over, and you have to think of only you right now.

When you are feeling overwhelmed, one thing I like is writing in a diary. Get a notebook, and every day write something about when you thought about him that day, and why. Write it out whether it's a good memory, or a bad memory. If you are angry, write that out. Stuffing either the good or bad, or not realizing the good and bad, will only keep surfacing until you face it. It will also help you, in weaker moments, to realize how far you've come, when you do happen to run into him and his new girlfriend somewhere down the line.

It is a loss. A loss of what you thought your future would be, a loss of confidence, a loss of emotional control, rational thought, etc. We have all been there Bella, and it is natural. To not go through all this pain will leave you in the future, with doubts when you are thinking of commitment again. That's called baggage; don't let it happen to you. Keep your perceptions of this relationship incheck, not all men, and not all relationships will be like this one.

Celebrate your freedom Bella, that is what you have now. You are strong, and getting stronger every day. Think of all the good things about yourself that you will bring to the next relationship, including experience. Better to have loved and learned, than never to have learned to let yourself love again.

As to Facebook, you can 'delete' your account, which only de-activates it, for a few months if you want to. Or, you can keep things as they are, and when you come across pics or notes of him, get that diary out, and say how you feel about it, or how its affecting you.

My guess is, before you know it, you'll have a hard time putting a sentence about him together, because you'll be over him. :)

[paxe]

There is a feature on Facebook where you block and delete him. You SHOULD NOT want to know what is going on with his life! It will only give you more pain and suffering. NC is all the way or you're not doing NC at all. It is tremendously hard but NC is the only way to get better. Look at all the threads and the only people who were able to get better are the one doing completely NC and taking care of themselves.

And yes Facebook is quite an addiction this is why I hate it. I believe that people are passing too much time on it because a lot of them are bored. What matters is our own life and if we are bored then she should get into more activities.

And actually being at rock bottom is a good thing, you can rebuild from scratch. Making new friends should not be so hard. Take is slow.

[bella99]

Yea this is pretty tough for me - not going to lie. I really want to just start over with a clean slate - just move on - I'm going to make it happen. I haven't been able to convince myself to delete him as a friend or block him, but I did block her so at least her pics and posts and stuff on Facebook won't pop up. I'm also going to stay away from Facebook for a few months.

Now I just have to try not to run into the 2 of them out. Its so hard to believe that he is going out with another girl - theya re having fun together while I'm just miserable. I don't want to be, and I'm going to try hard not to think about them.

I still just want to cry - I'm so good at giving advice - and I know what I SHOULD do - its just so hard to get your heart to start believing it too. Its hard not to obsess over someone. But he isn't mine anymore - its done - time to move on. So much easier said than done.

[paxe]

Hey bella,
Well it's actually good you're saying to yourself to get over him. It's so hard to follow your head when your heart is misplaced... but our emotions do calm down after a while and you do get better. It's a good thing you are getting off Facebook for a while, it will help you heal. The first day of healing and NC are very hard ( I guess you have to redo them again ). The best way to do it, is to make a list of things, in your head or in paper and follow them.

For example, you would go everyday to the gym and work out hard whatever mood you are in. You plan on getting out once every weekend at least and try to get in contact with all friends. Talk to your family about your problem, your friends, this board...

In order to heal and get better you need to take an ACTIVE part and set yourself some goals. He is gone and now you have to accept it. Indifference should come later as you continue healing. If you are having trouble getting new friends try to talk to random people or people in your class, work... that you've never talk to. Day by day you DO get better but it requires lots of work.