[bella99]

Threads merged


Wow this site really has hit the nail on the head with how I have been feeling, and everything I have gone through since my EXBF broke up with me. I'm hoping you will be able to give me some more great advice.

My ex and I broke up almost 3 months ago. He said he just didn't have romantic feelings for me anymore. He thought he was just going through the motions. We had been going out for a little more than 6 months - he said he had felt that way for the past month.

Since then I have basically done (almost everything) that one is tempted to do after a break up. I cried - didn't sleep - didn't eat - wrote him a few emails - ran into him everywhere - cried some more - texted him when I said I wouldn't.

He said he wanted to be friends, and I thought he really meant it. Last month he went with me to a baseball game for work - we had planned this prior to breaking up. I wasn't pleasantly surprised that we had a lot of fun - joking around and just generally having a good time. We hooked up afterwards - bad idea I know - I knew it was only because we were both drunk at the time - not that he wanted to get back together. Well at the game he said he thought we could continue to hang out -yet he never called.

Well last Thursday, I had asked one of my good friends if she wanted to go out with me that night - I told her to invite whoever ( I didn't think she would invite him) she invited all of our friends, and apparently he wanted to come. There were just a few of us and him. Instead of treating me like a friend like he had the time before this time he said hi but basically didn't really want much to do with me. It really hurt my feelings.

Now I'm conflicted - I really want him in my life and to be his friend, but its incredibly hard on me and probably not a good idea. I know I need to keep my distance from him, but we have about 40 of the same friends, so I always see their pictures of him on Facebook, and hear about them all hanging out. I know I'll run into him again. It just tears me up inside to not be able to hang out with him anymore - to know that everyone else is.

I think it hurts so much because he was the first guy that I've seriously dated after college (I'm 25) and that I felt I could probably spend the rest of my life with. I know I need to institute the NC rule, but every time I try I fail. I've been trying to get him off my mind, but he's on my mind CONSTANTLY even after 3 months. How do I end this? Ive been going to the gym a few times a week, I've also taking up jogging and I'm taking golfing lessons, I've joined a kickball league and made some new friends. I go out every time someone invites me out - I'm bsically never home anymore Im so busy, but he's always in the back of my mind.

Q1. How do I get him out of my mind - its starting to affect my work.
Q2. With so many mutual friends - how do I deal with this?
Q3. What do I say when I see him out? He's sometimes nice, and sometimes its like he doesn't want me around
Q4. Is there smoethign else I can be doing to move on?
Q5. I dread being home alone now - how do I get over that?

Sorry about the long post and all the questions. I appreciate your help.

[I wish]

A few things to keep in mind. Though no contact seems like a good idea, you have to understand why you need to implement no contact.

First of all, you have this idea that you're going to be friends. So you've set some sort of expectation, which is prolonging your healing process. This is how the process works. You have to completely heal from the break up first and foremost. To heal, you need to worry about yourself. You need to take care of yourself.

If you feel that reminders of him is hindering your progress, that's when you implement no contact. No contact is used because you are having a difficult time getting over him.

If one day you get over him, then you can try to be friends. But until you've fully recovered, you have to stop having the expectations that the two of you will try to be friends.

If you feel that you've tried everything to get over him, then you're going to have to take some more extreme measures. Here are some suggestions:

1) Since you have 40 friends in common and instead of blocking everyone, it's probably better to deactivate your Facebook until you get over him. Once you've recovered, you can reactivate it if you want. During that time you can keep in touch with friends via phone or IM.

2) Block him on IM and email, so that he cannot contact you. If you want, you can even change your phone number, so he can't call you.

3) You have to let your common friends know that you need to recover from this breakup, so you would prefer not attending the same social gatherings. So if your friends respected you, they will take that into consideration when inviting people out. Until you've fully recovered from the break up, you'll have to sit out a few social gatherings where he's present.

4) Hang out with more friends and family. Keep your mind occupied. It's easier said than done, but just find other hobbies. Meet new people. Just do something to get your mind off him.

I'm sure others will have more suggestions. But you can start with these.

[talaniman]

Last month he went with me to a baseball game for work - joking around and just generally having a good time. We hooked up afterward - bad idea i know - i knew it was only because we were both drunk at the time - not that he wanted to get back together.

Even though you have been broken up for 3 months, you have never broken the attachment, and even had sex. Your right bad idea all around and being drunk is a big excuse, that doesn't wash.

Well at the game he said he thought we could continue to hang out -yet he never called.

But you sure expected him to, and are highly hurt he hasn't. That's no way to heal after a break up. Take the hint, he ain't into you, as you are to him.

Q1. How do I get him out of my mind - its starting to affect my work.

Stay away from him. Find something else to do.

Q2. With so many mutual friends - how do I deal with this?

You need a life beyond your friends. How old are you??? Only school kids run in packs.

Q3. What do I say when I see him out? He's sometimes nice, and sometimes its like he doesn't want me around

Hi, and bye. Thats enough. No conversations, no matter what.

Q4. Is there something else I can be doing to move on?

Read the stickies at the beginning of this forum, There is a link in my signature, and you could stand to read my signature also, just food for thought.

Q5. I dread being home alone now - how do i get over that?

Have things you enjoy to keep you busy, Hmmm all those friends and nobody to talk on the phone with, sometimes?? You know girl talk? Your not trying.

Give yourself the time it takes to get over him and get your life and feelings back together. It takes time, and you need patience, and a plan to get yourself busy.

[Romefalls19]

I'll tell you one really important thing when dealing with a break up, there is no such thing as "mutual" friends. They will always be partial to one persons side, to avoid this, you simply cut ties with "mutual" friends and get your own

[Torrid13]

It's best to not be friends. It will eat you up every time you see him, and "healing" will be a magical, impossible term that only seems to show up in stories like The Lord of the Rings... or something else magical. >.>

Also, besides the great idea of deactivating your FB, I would ask your friends not to talk about him around you. They should understand. If they are jerks about it, maybe you shouldn't be friends with them, anyway.

Honestly, he's going to be in the back of your mind for a while. My Ex broke up with me 4 months ago, and I still have days where I think about him constantly (although it's angry thinking, not "I want to be with you" thinking). But since we never talk anymore, it makes things so much easier, and I've healed so much faster than I expected. I've seen him a few times, too (thank God he didn't see me), and it made me angry. But I figure as long as I don't want him back like I did originally, I'm making progress.

My point is, you're going to have to take this NC thing really seriously if you want to feel better. And you WILL get better if you're serious. You'll find someone (or they'll find you) and you'll be so busy being happy, your ex won't find room to be in your mind. :)

Good luck.

[zippit]

Instead of treating me like a friend like he had the time before this time he said hi but basically didnt really want much to do with me. It really hurt my feelings.



.

I think he was just hurting to and that's why he acted like this,if/when you run into him in the future there always going to be a different reaction.

[Gemini54]

Three months is only a really short time for a relationship in which you'd invested your hopes and dreams. Your feelings of grief about the break up just do not pass that quickly.

I agree with the others - you can't get him out of your head while you still want or need to be friends with him. It just prolongs the agony and deep down keeps you hoping. Stop thinking that you can be friends and think about him as someone that is not good for you at this point in time. Avoid him if you can.

However, I also think that you need to accept that he'll be in your thoughts for a while and that a part of you is mourning the loss of the relationship. These feelings do not go away overnight and having them is part of the healing process. In other words, you can't process this ending unless you feel what you're feeling.

It's actually OK to feel lonely, conflicted and afraid. It's part of being human and it's part of our emotional growth. There are some things that we just don't 'get over' that quickly, nor are we meant to regardless of whether we'd like to!

Stick with what you're doing and take the advice of the other posters - you're doing good - sure, you may be doing it hard (we all do at some stage), but I promise you it does pass.

[bella99]

Thanks guys for all of the quick responses! Just as I was on day 2 of no contact yesterday (I had texted him on Sunday about a baseball game I was at), he texted me last night. First time in a few weeks where he texted me with out me prompting him. He and I have a lot of great baseball memories - we would always watch our favorite team (Phillies) together, and they won the world series last year, so every time I'm at a game I'm tempted to text him (I usually give in).

Yesterday was the All Star Game, and I knew he was probably almost expecting to hear from me, since so many of my favorite players were in the game. I decided right when I woke up that I wouldn't text him about it, and I was going to watch it with my friends, and not alone. Well - he sent me a text when it was almost over to ask if I was watching it. Stupid me, couldn't resist answering him. We had a short exchange - nothing emotional just about the game - I told him I was out with a bunch of friends watching it.

I think he may want to be friends with me - he is at least not mad at me, and I want to be friends with him too, but I think that has to wait until all of my feelings for him have passed. I wish they would go away more quickly so we could be friends again.

So today is now day 1 again. Ugh I miss him so much though. I was sitting in a meeting for work earlier kind of day dreaming and wishing I could ask him to go get a drink or even just a snack with me after work. I just want to catch up with him. I'm not going to do it however much I want to. If I did ask him tonight, there is a good chance he would say no or not answer at all and my feeligns would be hurt even more.

So I'm going to go to the gym and then jog by myself. Maybe clean or meet up with some friends. It's so hard to keep myself from missing him though sometimes, just going to keep plugging away.

[Torrid13]

Thanks guys for all of the quick responses! Just as i was on day 2 of no contact yesterday (I had texted him on Sunday about a baseball game I was at), he texted me last nite. First time in a few weeks where he texted me with out me prompting him. He and I have a lot of great baseball memories - we would always watch our favorite team (Phillies) together, and they won the world series last year, so everytime I'm at a game I'm tempted to text him (I usually give in).

Yesterday was the All Star Game, and I knew he was probably almost expecting to hear from me, since so many of my favorite players were in the game. I decided right when I woke up that I wouldn't text him about it, and I was going to watch it with my friends, and not alone. Well - he sent me a text when it was almost over to ask if I was watching it. Stupid me, couldnt resist answering him. We had a short exchange - nothing emotional just about the game - I told him I was out with a bunch of friends watching it.

I think he may want to be friends with me - he is atleast not mad at me, and I want to be friends with him too, but I think that has to wait until all of my feelings for him have passed. I wish they would go away more quickly so we could be friends again.

So today is now day 1 again. Ugh I miss him so much though. I was sitting in a meeting for work earlier kinda day dreaming and wishing I could ask him to go get a drink or even just a snack wiht me after work. I just want to catch up with him. I'm not gonna do it however much I want to. If I did ask him tonight, there is a good chance he would say no or not answer at all and my feeligns would be hurt even more.

So I'm gonna go to the gym and then jog by myself. Maybe clean or meet up with some friends. It's so hard to keep myself from missing him though sometimes, just gonna keep plugging away.

You're going to miss him for a while, but never fear! You are doing the right thing by keeping busy and going out with friends. STICK to NC this time! Seriously. Even if he texts you 32943294 times, just say NO.

You can do it!

[Romefalls19]

I'm a Phillies fan too, delete his number from your phone and stop answering his texts, it's only going to delay recovery

[bella99]

Well I'm glad I at least went out with some other friends that he doesn't know to watch it. I only saw half of it because then I went out with some other friends to see Harry Potter. I'm glad that at least I didn't text him about the game - he sent it to me first - sad that I responded though.

I was just at the gym, and just wasn't in the mood today. I was getting myself all upset because I was thinking how if he wanted to hang out with me he would call me (which is true) but then I took it in a different direction that I guess he doesn't want to hang out with me anymore - and that was getting me upset.

Ugh - all day today I felt pretty good then the end of the day I just fell apart. I guess some days are better than others. I wish I felt good consistently every day. I wish I knew what it felt like to feel good every day like I was when I was single before he and I started dating. I get jealous of him sometimes when I think that he probably feels fine, and can go about his days normally, while I'm out there being miserable or upset.

Side note: (oh and what were the phillies thinking signing pedro? We need halladay)

[bella99]

We were good friends before we ever started dating. That's how we started dating - we would watch sporting events together go see movies once in a while. Just hang out. I never felt an pressure around him and we would just joke around. I secretly had a crush on his friend, but I thought he was handsome and a nice guy as wel, so I was shocked when eventually we found ourselves dating. Then I realized I had fallen for him and not his friend. We had a great time going out or just staying in - we never really fought - maybe 2 times but it wasn't anything earth shattering. Then something changed.

I think it was stress from school - I'm going to school for my MBA and he was finally about to finish his bachelors after a bunch of years trying. Our dates ended up being in the library, or go see a movie, then go to the library. I felt the lack of intimacy, and said something to him hoping we could work on it. Well 2 weeks later he decided we should break up because he felt like he didn't have the same feeligns for me anymore. I (obviously) was devastated. Not the outcome I wanted at all from talking to him about how I felt :(

He's also 2 years younger than me - so maybe it was stress coupled with him wanting to do single guy things. Maybe he just wants to get all that out of his system - so its not his time for a relationship.

I'm just trying to move on - but its hard. I've been broken up with before and it was never this hard. I went out with one guy for 2.5 years and we were fine afterwards. I guess this time I didn't see it coming. Oh well. I know there is some reason for all of this - a lesson - or maybe now that he's out of the way I'll meet the real man of my dreams - or maybe our paths will cross another time when we are both ready.

No matter what - I just want to be happy being me - happy with who I am. My feelings for my ex are really the only bad part in my life right now - I have a great job, house, friends - I just need to learn to be happy on my own again. Ugh :( I wish I didn't miss him.

[Romefalls19]

I won't touch the God subject but going through my break up I had one saying that I found online. It's still taped to my wall in my room

"If this world doesn't take your hand, it will only knock you down. If you won't pick yourself up, maybe you don't belong on your feet"

[bella99]

Is there a Quote thread somewhere with quotes that help people get through breakups or tough times? If not - maybe I'll start one

I have 2 favorite quotes that help me when I'm feeling down

There are things we don't want to happen but have to accept, things that we don't want to know but have to learn and people whom we can't live without but have to let go.

There are things we don't want to happen but have to accept, things that we don't want to know but have to learn and people whom we can't live without but have to let go.

(unfortunately I don't know who to give credit to for either of the quotes).

If you believe in god - or even if you don't I found that reading St. Theresa's Prayer helps to calm me down too. I guess it just reminds me that there is a point to all of this.

May today there be peace within you
May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be.
May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith.
May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you.
May you be content knowing you are a child of God.
Let this presence settle into your bones and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for every one of us

[bella99]

I feel like absolute crap today. I had written him an email back on July 2nd after hanging out with him and some other friends. He had treated me like the bottom of the barrel while hanging out with everyone else. The email said I still wanted to be friends, but that I hated being treated like he could care less about me. We had hung out a few weeks prior and had a good time, and that I couldn't understand why he would treat me so differently one time to the next.

He didn't respond until this past Thursday (july 16 - said he didn't check that email address frequently) He said he's sorry that he does want to be friends with me and that maybe in time it will be easier. That he owes me a lot and that we would hang out soon - on his birthday on the 31st.

I didn't respond, but I guess it gave me some kind of false hope that maybe everything would be OK. I was in a great mood on Friday. I was incredibly busy this weekend - went to NYC for a few nites - went to PA to visit my family - went to philly. I had fun but he was in the back of my mind.

Today, I feel lonely and upset. I really miss him. I really wish everything would be OK between us again. I hate not having him in my life - I hate not being able to call him whenever I want or just contact him in general. I'm totally afraid to cut off contact completely because I'm afraid he really won't ever get back in touch with me and he'll be gone from my life forever.

I guess I just feel like I'm in despair right now, and that there is no hope.

The last few weeks I have kept myself so busy - and I've done a lot of fun things like sky diving, going to NYC, going to VA Beach, Baltimore, Philly, the beach, just hanging out with friends. But I feel like I can never look forward to anything. I'm going on vacation this weekend to the beach and I just could care less. While I'm doing all these things I just wish he were there.

Is there anyway to get out of this rut and start being excited for things again? I just want my life back again.

[Gemini54]

I feel like absolute crap today. I had written him an email back on July 2nd after hanging out with him and some other friends. He had treated me like the bottom of the barrel while hanging out with everyone else. The email said I still wanted to be friends, but that I hated being treated like he could care less about me. We had hung out a few weeks prior and had a good time, and that I couldn't understand why he would treat me so differently one time to the next.

He didn't respond until this past Thursday (july 16 - said he didn't check that email address frequently) He said he's sorry that he does want to be friends with me and that maybe in time it will be easier. That he owes me a lot and that we would hang out soon - on his bday on the 31st.

I didn't respond, but I guess it gave me some kinda false hope that maybe everything would be ok. I was in a great mood on Friday. I was incredibly busy this weekend - went to NYC for a few nites - went to PA to visit my family - went to philly. I had fun but he was in the back of my mind.

Today, I feel lonely and upset. I really miss him. I really wish everything would be ok between us again. I hate not having him in my life - i hate not being able to call him whenever I want or just contact him in general. I'm totally afraid to cut off contact completely because I'm afraid he really won't ever get back in touch with me and he'll be gone from my life forever.

I guess I just feel like I'm in dispair right now, and that there is no hope.

The last few weeks I have kept myself so busy - and I've done a lot of fun things like sky diving, going to NYC, going to VA Beach, Baltimore, Philly, the beach, just hanging out with friends. But I feel like I can never look forward to anything. I'm going on vacation this weekend to the beach and I just could care less. While I'm doing all these things I just wish he were there.

Is there anyway to get out of this rut and start being excited for thigns again? I just want my life back again.

The thing is, sometimes you've got to feel bad so that you can feel good again. It's life and it takes time to get over things. Understand that there has been an ending, and you're mourning the loss of a relationship. You'd be much better off if you cut off all contact with him, because it only makes you feel worse.

[Romefalls19]

One thing I always told myself when I felt like I hit rock bottom, it's solid ground to start climbing back up and that a dead end road is a great spot to turn around at. Keep moving forward, leave the past in the past. You can try to raise a sunken ship from the depths but it's still wrecked.

[bella99]

Thanks guys - I like the rock bottom idea (well I don't like it but it makes sense). Some days I just feel so much better than other days - today was not a good day :( Its been 3 months to the day tomorrow - and sometimes I don't feel like I am any better than the first week. I eat and sleep and go out and all but just emotionally sometimes I don't feel any better.

And he seems to be having an easy time of it - he has maybe sent me a message 2 times on his own accord - not provoked by me. He has otherwise not contacted me - god I wish it were that easy for me! I just miss him all the time.

Today my roommate asked if I would be home for dinner (frequently I'm not since I keep so busy), but I was able to make it - she invited our couple friends over and her boyfriend was there and me - all was well until after dinner when everone was all cuddly and I just went upstairs. She must know that it bothers me still - ugh.

I have to go to a birthday party that my ex will be at next Saturday - its my friend Mandy's birthday, but its also his birthday - each year they do a joint party. I've known mandy longer - that's actually how I met him. I want to go, but I just don't know how to act around him. I don't want to seem like I still let this get to me - because that won't help the situation. I don't want to seem like a heartless - although I should be - but I don't want to hang all over him. Its hard to be around him and watch him hanging out with all of our friends and not me. I can hang out with other people there and I'm sure I will - I'll just wish he wanted to hang out with me.

I might go see a counselor - its been 3 months and this stuf is still always on my mind - it makes it hard to get my work done - and just hurts so much sometimes - then other times - I pretend it doesn't bother me. Im starting to feel like I can't talk to my friends because I've exhausted their patience. Anythoughts? Has couceling helped anyone at all?

[bella99]

Threads merged

So I have been having a tough time letting go of my ex. I've realized that most of my hurt isn't because I miss his love, but more that I am hurting from feeling rejected. I'm also just scared to let go because it means giving up on the possibility of him coming back to me. I miss his friendship, but I can find that in other people if I look.

So, I've been doing lots of digging, and I found a great blog with great words of advice. I hope it helps others as much as I hope it will help me.

How to let go of a relationship when you don't want to
http://www.lovecoachblog.com/let_go/

How to deal with heartache
http://www.lovecoachblog.com/dealing_with_heartache/

I'm sure there are probably other great articles out on her blog that would be helpful too.

I hope this helps others in my situation.

[tickle]

Bella, that was very kind of you to offer words to help others heal.

Tick