[Hathor]

Great advice Chey and Thank you Talaniman; late reply is always better than none.
We've lived together before so the whole distance/dependence on internet thing doesn't mean that we don't know each other like those LD couples on the dating sites who never meet.
Actually I think the distance (for now at least) is actually perfect recipe to this particular relationship of ours. As I mentioned earlier, we used to have our arguments in the past when we were in the same country. Now apart, we don't have to drown ourselves in the same problems always. We talk about different things, what's happening in our life, our countries, how was our day, etc. We've started using the L word (and be sincere about it) everyday when we talk on skype. We use webcam and we normally talk for at least an hour daily. We use sms to inform each other when to be online.
Where do I see this LD relationship going? Well, for one thing we can never really tell the future, right? Even in normal same-town relationships , even with the most stable couple (in outsiders' opinion) alive, people break up all the time, decades of marriage, having kids and all. On a practical level though, it's always been my dream to work for international organizations either in NY or Europe (like UN Geneva, where we met). The UN job is extremely competitive, so there's nothing available for me at this stage; and since I got the TV anchor job back at home in Thailand and as my Europe visa also expired, I've got no choice but to come back, which, in a way, I'm very glad to be doing this job. As for him, he's older and there's much less chance for him to find a job in my country; so the chances are that, he will continue living in Geneva. As for me, I'm younger, with great education/work background, it's easier (as far as the crisis allows me to get some jobs) for me to try 'again' for the international organization thingy in Europe. UNESCO Paris is opening for junior professionals this December, so that's my goal. Paris and Geneva, that's still much better than Bangkok and Geneva. Also, as I've been in the English-language media field for a while, I can also get into the Swiss media as well. So the point is I've always planned (since teenage years) to work professionally in Europe . So I guess we can just be LD for a year, seeing how things turn out.
As for the 'growing love' part, as I'm still in my twenties (however late that is), I'm still a sucker for romantic-comedy/chivalry stuff and my boyfriend is thus not at all my type…his older age, his cynicism turns me off, and is actually the main cause why we had arguments in the past…we misunderstood each other. He misunderstood me for being very strong, demanding, adventurous and a bit promiscuous (as I've traveled the world, and neither a virgin nor submissive like many other Asian gals…), while I misunderstood him for wanting to be some sort of sugar daddy (he's not that much older, but old enough to be considered a sugar daddy if he wants to be). As time went by, we're tuning into each other. We've actually learned much more about each other being LD. Actually, with my age and experience, I've never experienced this kind of feeling before, I mean having the feeling growing slowly like this. Before, when I was dating guys closer to my own age (like 3 year difference maximum), I fell in love quickly for my 'prince charming', how they're cute boys and all that…but the feeling (of infatuation) faded away quickly as well. But this time, it's the reverse, it's like love growing out of appreciation after knowing each other better…of course love is extremely subjective/relative, and there're many different layers/levels to it, so when I said I'm not totally totally in love with him, it means that I'm neither blindly infatuated nor simply using him to fill in my loneliness (well, actually to a small extent, but aren't we all? Since love is a mixture of different feelings, in my opinion anyway).
Sorry for such a long post, but do you think I'm on the right track of finding my 'balance'?

[talaniman]

What did you think of the sight I provided? It lays out pretty much the ways to best approach a LDR. One of the main points to consider, the goals of you both, and how you define your relationship. One of the pitfalls is the trust issue due to the feelings brought about by the distance, and how you cope with them.

Sometimes when absence makes the heart grow fonder, we get carried away by that feeling, and sometimes build a fantasy world with high unrealistic expectations, or worse, we are blinded to things we need to see.

All in all, any relationships has risks and rewards, but the ultimate factor is are the partners willing to work together, through honest communications to resolve their issues, to the benefit of you both. If you can do that, and find happiness, through interaction, then it can work.

But even if all things are done, and it doesn't, well that's the risk we take. Sorry there are no magic formulas, just a lot of hard work, and constantly adjusting, and coping to whatever life throws at you. That's what life is about, growing, learning, coping, and adjusting and through all that doing what makes you happy.

Can this work, sure it can, but only time will tell you if it will make you happy. So if you have the time to find out, go for it. If not, do something else.

My only concern is can you cope with what you will continue to learn about your partner, and can he do the same, as 6 months is such a very short time to really know a complex human that well, or that thoroughly. Have fun finding out, and then making a good decision how to proceed.

[Hathor]

A month ago my boyfriend confessed to me that he lied about sleeping with his ex during our previous 'break' just to test my reaction and my jealousy level... The thing is when my boyfriend told me this 'lie' I was just so appalled by it... cos that ex disappeared for like 10 years now... he had another long-term girlfriend of 10 years before me... so I'd been having this nasty idea/images in my head that they were some sort of long-term f#ck buddies, which drove me even farther away from my boyfriend (after that fight and break of ours)... He told me the truth that he lied because I pushed him with specific questions like who called whom first etc... That was why he decided to tell me the truth... and how he was applying the idea of his best friend that they (the guys) should push us (the gfs) to our limits to see the 'real' us and what are they getting themselves into...

Just today, after I told him I saw some old dude negotiated with the hookers and how it disgusted me (in non-religious way, just that I think guys who 'pay' are pathetic and how the hookers are all ugly and anorexic in this country). I asked him (frankly, out of curiosity, without an intention to pick a fight) why he did it in Amsterdam and Thailand, long before he met me, like 10 years ago or so... he told me today he didn't, just wanted to see my reaction... he said he never 'pays' in his life...

The ex thing was a bit far-fetched so I believe him, but the hooker thing, I don't know. The issue isn't about the 'sex' thing (especially when it's all in the past, nothing to do with me), but about honesty... I feel like I'll never know whatever he says is actually true... and trust is a very important thing in the relationship... do you think his 'lies' are acceptable?

[s_cianci]

No, his lies aren't acceptable. And if he thinks he's "testing" you to see the "real you" he's very foolish. What he really needs to be considering is the real you when he's not testing or provoking you in any way. That's how he'll really get to know someone. I'm sorry, but this doesn't sound like a healthy situation.

[danielnoahsmommy]

If he were my husband I then would say in that case

Size does matter!
No you are not the best lover!
No it doesn't happen to everyone!
You are the only man for me!

Then I would say, do you think I'm lying or telling the truth.


Since he likes playing games... a little taste of his own medicine. Since prostitutes have been an issue I would suggest you both get tested for aids and any other std.

[talaniman]

I really believe this speaks more to your insecurities, and fears, than whether he is honest or not. It really doesn't matter if he lies or not if you don't trust him to begin with. Especially if it leads to more questions about the same thing (past sex life). There is no proof of his lies any way, unless he comes clean, and for whatever reason he isn't honest with you, find out why. Maybe he doesn't trust your reaction to the truth about himself that happen long ago.

I think it's a bad idea to dwell on what happened, before the two of you got together.

[jmjoseph]

If he were my husband I then would say in that case

size does matter!
no you are not the best lover!
no it doesn't happen to everyone!
you are the only man for me!

Then I would say, do you think I'm lying or telling the truth.


Since he likes playing games...a little taste of his own medicine. since prostitutes have been an issue I would suggest you both get tested for aids and any other std.

Do two wrongs make a right? No, it just perpetuates the problem. She needs to find someone else who doesn't play childish games. When SHE plays them, she's stooping down to his level . What good comes from that?
However, I do agree with the blood test.

[isunny369]

Well in a relationship trust is very important. I may be young but I know some really neat things! I think you should confront him about it and tell him what you are thinking about you trusting what he say's! You should not hold to that trust issue any longer! If he doesn't understand or get's mad I'm sure you will work it out! But just remember tell him before it's too late! I hope the for and your relationship!

[N0help4u]

I agree that she needs to find someone else that doesn't play games but reversing things back on the other as DanielNoahsmom said does work sometimes to get others to realize how their behavior is doing more harm than good.

''Testing'' somebody shows me that they do not know how to have a good healthy relationship and they are treating you like some sort of puppet on a string and not considering or respecting your feelings.
True love does not test by lying
I'd dump him.

[inertia]

Ummm, you're testing him too. I dated a girl that judged me very harshly for past indiscretions and flings. It made me wish I had never told her. If you can't provide a safe place for him to be his honest self, this is what you will deal with. He'll bait you to see your reaction in order to rewrite his own history accordingly. I'm afraid you started it. This same girl also tested my faithfulness far too often. I eventually grew tired of it and ended the relationship. Her true colors came out and she was far nastier, far more promiscuous and far more devious than I ever was. Lesson learned.

You won't meet a priest turned lover specially constructed for you. Your obsession with his past has empowered him to use it any way he sees fit. Either stop caring or move on.

[Hathor]

I've been in an LDR for 2 months (we started dating the beginning of this year and I moved back home in March, before going back to visit him twice in May and June - so it's been 2 months now since June). We have plans for him to visit me at the end of September and perhaps NY, and again in either March or April. We have had rocky patches in the past but things were going great lately before I started to think to myself these past few days... what am I doing with this guy? Bad memories (past arguments) resurfaced and I'm not sure I'll be able to keep this up until next year. I'm very confused right now. He's commitmentphobic (or perhaps never met the right person) because he's now 50, never married, but has had a couple of long-term live-in girlfriends... one of them moved back to her country and he didn't have an intention to follow her there. Now, we started talking about him getting a job here in my country (which is of course, hard)... and although he's been traveling the world, he's never really left his country long-term. He basically lives his whole life there. So, that means he's committed to me now right? I've been overworking and exhausted and started to lose patience, but I still love him, or at least love his voice and face on the webcam chat and flashes of memory when we were physically together. Any advice?

[talaniman]

I can understand you not being happy, or satisfied with this LDR, because it seems to be going no where. So far you have been in limbo wondering what comes next and if you will get to the next level with this fellow. That has to be confusing. At some point you will need more from him, but for now you both need to talk and define what the future holds in concrete terms and not just wishful thinking.

At some point actions must match the words, or it just won't work.

[Hathor]

He was the one who said he would try to get a job here in my country. And when I asked him if it's really OK for him leaving his friends and family just to be with me; he said living here could be nice (he's been to my country several times already long before we met). But his expertise is in cars and photocopiers, mechanical stuff, and he can't speak the language, so we don't know what he can do here.

I do agree with both of you, we need to have serious talks. But he's a laid-back kind of guy and sometimes when I want to talk serious he thinks I'm just being demanding and pushy. I'm not clingy or pushy but I'm a person who needs to be clear on everything. I don't want to have doubts. I've struggled to communicate with him on the level that I want (being clear on everything) but I think it might be a bit harsh to call it quit just because of it because he has his own way of thinking about me and us without expressing it... to me.

[Hathor]

I'm in an LDR with a guy who will come see me in just a couple of days... and I was so excited about that... all seemed rosy but there were these past fights popping over in my head and I'm not sure I even want him to come anymore.

I've been struggling to get over the past because my boyfriend is really a good guy. He always does things "my" way and I've been told (by everyone in my life who knows me well) that I'm a demanding person... I'm Asian and my boyfriend is European and he told me occasionally that I'm so American for being like "you have to do this you cannot do that, otherwise...etc".

But anyway, the past "agony" is hard to get over. The thing is when we started dating, he already broke up with his ex but still let her stay in his apartment, sleeping on his couch in the living room. At that time we didn't do LD but I was in his country for a short specific period due to my work contract... we didn't think we would become serious... so at first I couldn't just demand him to kick her out... but then when we became serious she was still there (not all the time, some nights she would be at her own place for some weird insane reason). I know that since we've been together he hasn't cheated on me because we were always together, we even worked together. But this manipulative (and perhaps insane ex) kept coming back and my boyfriend couldn't do anything about it. My boyfriend said he couldn't kick her out because they were together for 10 years (I have never been in a relationship that long myself) and for us it's been like 9 months now. He affirmed repeatedly that they didn't even talk for a year (despite living under the same roof) because they have totally different work schedule, let alone having sex. He confirmed repeatedly that I'm the only one since we met. It's just that this lady (an uneducated housekeeper as opposed to me a Master holder uni lecturer, I know that's not the point, but I just hate her so much), she's 40 and never had any relationship before she met my boyfriend, even now he's her only one... and he went on and on about how she has a good heart, the type that she can die for everyone in the world (I mean, c'mon, BS, a nice gal will never try to steal an ex back and hurt a new girlfriend like me). He said he's never really in love with her but he just feels sorry for a person like her and he just feels compassion blah blah. And for the past 10 years, he had a few other gfs besides her because they couldn't communicate well (due to her limited education and traditional upbringing) so he feels too guilty for cheating on her many times to just kick her out like that (but what about my feeling).

That insane woman kept leaving and coming back a few times before she returned my bf's apartment key a few months ago. It's been months yet, but I'll never trust that manipulative woman since they're in the same country and I'm not. I'm not a jealous person, he can have as many female friends he likes. But obviously his ex doesn't think of him as a friend!!

He assured me repeatedly (this is the main cause of our fights) that she was always the one to call him and now she hasn't contacted for a few months... but I still hate her and am angry with my boyfriend so much I can't even concentrate on the good part of our relationship.

The reason why it affects me so much is that he was the one who offered that I could move into his apartment, but that never happens because she was always there, and now I come back to my hometown. He caused me to change my plan to come back home instead of staying there for a while because she was still there!! I went back to visit him once and he took me to his holiday house because suddenly (after leaving) she decided to come back again!!

How can I stop thinking about this and just moving on, the rest of this relationship was so good except this bit that's been eating me alive!!

[pixiegurl]

If he wanted to move on his life with you then he would put stop to the relationship with his ex. If he uses the excuse that he just can't kick her out because he was with her for ten years then he is obviously still carrying a flame for her, otherwise he would just get rid of her - she isn't his responsibility anymore, yet he keeps making excuses for it.

Save yourself the agony and move on while you still have our dignity.

[Hathor]

Now in LDR we talk for an hour everyday (despite both of us being extremely busy with work). He will come visit me for a month this coming weekend. We even started talking about him moving permanently to be with me (not just occasional visits)... He never thought about moving to be with his other ex(s) before... so it def gets serious. Things seem so good now, but suddenly the whole past conversation about how he couldn't kick her out to spare her feelings just make me cry. They def broke up because most nights he was with me... and he even pushed his ex to marry his friend... but the past pain, I even think about not going to the airport to pick him up.

[Hathor]

If he wanted to move on his life with you then he would put stop to the relationship with his ex. If he uses the excuse that he just can't kick her out because he was with her for ten years then he is obviously still carrying a flame for her, otherwise he would just get rid of her - she isn't his responsibility anymore, yet he keeps making excuses for it.

Save yourself the agony and move on while you still have our dignity.

Thanks pixie, but the point is that everything is in the past now. His ex returned the apartment key in his mailbox and she stopped calling him for 3 months now. Everything is over. But the problem is me, I can't get over the past pain. It's kind of too late to just pick a fight with him and break up over this because it's in the past. I should've done that 9 months ago.

[Hathor]

Referring to my long question How can I get over the past? I have an urge of not picking my boyfriend at the airport after 16 Hours plus flights to see me... he has my address but there can be a confusion/misunderstanding. A big part of me wants to see him hurt by what he's done to me, while another part really wants to let go of my past anger and should just be happy to see him.

Has there been any case you've heard of that a significant other in LDR didn't come pick the other up and that person has no idea how to reach you? My boyfriend has already booked the flight and now I'm plotting my revenge, either just stand him up or pick him up but punch him in the stomach later.

[talaniman]

You are confused and unable to reach a decision because you are not ready in your own mind to define who you are or what you want. Listen to I wish, as he points out you have a lot of growing and learning about yourself to do at this point in your life.

[Hathor]

You are confused and unable to reach a decision because you are not ready in your own mind to define who you are or what you want. Listen to I wish, as he points out you have a lot of growing and learning about yourself to do at this point in your life.

Wow, now I feel like an idiot with all threads are merged like that. But thanks anyway though. It makes me see things a bit clearer, in a bigger picture. I started the thread about depression because it was what I felt at that time and I did hope that I would be helped here, which I was somewhat. But it doesn't mean I'm delusional, deranged, etc. I do feel a lot of pressure in life in general though, as a perfectionist. And now I'm having 2 full-time jobs, as TV anchor and uni professor. I really can't afford to "lose my face" talking about my innermost feelings with people I already know. So I just hope I won't be judged by strangers on the internet.

I'm confused about certain things, yes, but I don't think I have a lot of growing and learning to do. I'm the young one in this messed up relationship, yes, but I do think my much older boyfriend is the one who seriously needs to grow up. He lied to me about having sex with prostitutes in the past and his other ex while we had a break. I found out later that it was all lies and he just wanted to test my reaction. He cannot let go of his long-term ex and subsequently damage our new and supposedly fresh relationship. I'm confused because he's a great guy, but the whole ex package thing is too much to handle. I'm not a jealous person. I'm not the kind of insecure girlfriend who keeps chasing after and disrupting her boyfriend every time he talks to a female. I think talking to an ex, esp long term one, is acceptable, but when that ex becomes stubbornly delusional and never leaves and gets upset when he has someone new, that's extremely fishy. As I said, it's not about jealousy, but about doing the right thing (monogamy/fidelity) and my own pride. I know for sure that they're not an item and I didn't steal him for her. But the point is that the way he refuses to hurt her when he's willing to hurt me is unacceptable.

The problem right now is that I'm unable to let go of the bad past. I was able to let all those bad feelings go for a while. Things seemed great, much better between us. That ex def left for good because she already returned the key, I saw that. But all the past pain and misunderstand came flooding back, and now I'm not so sure anymore.

You're right, this relationship is messed up from the start (but at that time I was alone in a foreign country so I thought I would give it a try). But as time passes, I love him, and he loves me. He said that all the time now that he knows he hurt me before... and I can see it from his eyes as well. Now he's coming over to visit me and planning to live here with me for good, provided that he's got a good job.

I'm not confused about who I am. But yes, I'm confused and torn between these feelings, continue to love him and do my best to let go of the past problems... or have a revenge on him so that I can have a closure and he learns the lesson.

Your constructive input would be greatly appreciated.