[Ziggurat2009]

Unlucky and McKenzie, your posts were very helpful and gave me some food for thought. I will take the road you described UnluckyDucky. I have heard that before, that just carrying on with myself and my life is best either way you look at it. I have been doing that the best I can thus far. Truthfully, yeah, I have trouble making close friends. I seem to have a lot of aquainatinces here at school. So it was her and me for three years. Both of us were fine with that (althougth we tried going out with other people and being social). My family is completely split apart too. I live with my Mom back home and we rely on each other to live and get by. She is quite negative and I think she rubbed off on me and in turn that pushed my girlfriend away from me. She did mention this once or twice. I tried not letting my mother and her problems get me down but when you live with that one person, you can't avoid it. I'm trying to regain the passion I had for my art before I met her. Its hard to focus on my work though. I never thought I'd meet such a great girl back then and I was happy with just me and my art. So in a way she showed me how great life can be outside of my art studio. Anyway, so now I'm having to settle back into my old ways of being satisfied with being a sort of social guy who is very involved with his art and career. I'm trying to go out running a few times a week too.

No reply is necessary here, I just thought an update was needed.

Thank you all.

[Ziggurat2009]

Threads merged and edited again- Overworked moderator!


Hello everyone,

I can't believe I wrote this much. I apologize for the length of this post. I guess I needed to vent and get it all out...? Wow, I'd really appreciate anyone who takes the time to offer me help.

I posted back in March when I was at school in GA. I live in New England and go to school down there. Here is the link to my previous post from back then. It can help catch you up if you are interested.

So, in 2006, my first year at college, I met a girl. I'm old fashioned and picky so meeting her was really special because most people my age don't agree with the way I live my life. I'm an idealist, a Christian, and I try to live to be the very best man I can be. So I have trouble meeting girls that appreciate that. I should point out, I'm not stuck up, I don't think less of people, and I love enjoying life and all that. So we hit it off, we go out for three years. It was really the very best time of my entire life. Just good clean romance and fun. Unique times in my life. I'm not just glamorizing it. So on January 3rd right after my birthday, she drives me to the airport to return to school in GA. She spoiled me and bought me three video games and it was a real fun holiday season with her. At the airport, we hold each other for a half hour straight before I head to the gate and onto the plane. I give her a long kiss goodbye and we talk about how we can't wait until Summer to be back together. I get to my dorm in GA and 4 days later she breaks up with me via a Facebook message. She is cryptic and doesn't answer anything and doesn't return my phone call until 9 pm at night. So three years of bliss then that... I immediately consulted the internet for tips and advice and decided to go with the no contact gig.

My goal here has always been to get her back. Not to "move on". To be honest, aside from sitting around and working on my artwork and playing video games there isn't much to move on to. My mother and I live together, she is very negative and depressed and places a huge burden on me to keep her happy. She just broke up with her 3rd serious relationship right when my occurred. Her unhappiness drives me crazy and makes me that much more unhappy as well. I'm getting tired of working on crap alone in front of my computer! I like being social. All of my friends have moved away unfortunately.

SOO, back to my ex, I don't beg her and plead. Believe it or not I played the game from the start. I thought she would work a couple of those 12 hour overnight shifts at the factory she works at and then she'd remember how much she misses having someone who loves her. Weeks went by, I wouldn't hear from her. She took it well... WAY too well. I sort of knew something was wrong with that. That's not normal... 3 years together, talking to each other every single day, then over night nothing?? She sent me a text one night while I was riding the bus back to my dorm room in GA. She said "Hey I had an eventful day, how are you?" I tried to play it cool and said "I'm doing real good! Tell me about your day sometime." Weeks go by. I wrote the first post here. Then I get nervous. She was just taking it sooo well, aren't breakups supposed to be painful? I certainly was in pain, and still am actually. So when April starts, I decide to cut NC and see what happens. I call her twice during a week. I get zero response. I left no voicemail. So that didn't even make her curious. She signs onto AIM and I say hello, and just act very neutral and friendly. She says something like "We shouldn't be talking" and I'm like whoa what? She reveals that she thinks we should stop talking because she is trying to "deal with feelings she has for someone". I then crap my pants and fall over dead. Then I inquire politely even, trying to maintain my composure. She tells me his name and I ask how she managed to get so serious over someone in just a month and a half. I lose it and ask to hear her voice and she said she'd call me soon. She calls... and she's crying her eyes out over this guy because he told her he didn't like her and thinks nothing special of her. I pretty much don't know what the hell to do or say. After every sentence of hers she said something like, and I don't want to get back together! I wouldn't even ask! She would just fire that off at me! I'm trying to act cool and calm this whole time. I inquire some more, as fragile as possible. She says she met him at work. Then I realize that's the answer. She got the factory job maybe a year ago. And has been working 12 hour oever night shifts there ever since. She was just tired and grumpy when she came to see me all the time. She met this new guy there! They've been working together 12 hour shifts ever since last August! She even mentioned him once! I remember her telling me that she didn't mind work anymore because there was a friend she could joke around with to pass the time!

My time at school comes to an end. I cry myself to sleep every night. She says hi to me maybe twice by AIM and never calls me once! She just said hi once asked if I was OK. I said I'm fine but having a tough time at school focusing. I try to tell her my feelings finally. Since I was holding them in for months. She then says "Ok, well is there anything else you wanted to know? I just wanted to give you some answers and try to treat you better than I have." If I keep the conversation going she just says it again "Was there anything else you wanted?" As if this is a drive through window and she is supposed to be able to just enter and out of my life as she wants to and I'm supposed to be like "okay, that'll be it, have a nice day now, ya hear?"

She contacts a week before I come home on an airplane. She sounds happy/friendly for the first time since the breakup. She says things are going well with the new guy and was just wondering if I still wanted to meet up finally to talk and get closure when I get back home up North. She tells me she "misinterpreted" what the guy said about not liking her and they are "taking things slow". I'm reading that and thinking what the heck? I say "I think he sounds like he doesn't care about you." I asked "Why would you date someone who told you they don't think you are special?" She says "Hes getting better."... Can you believe that crapp? She is acting TOTALLY unlike herself and COMPLETELY out of her own character. Its like this is some different version of my old girlfriend. So she suddenly says "I was thinking we could maybe have lunch when you get back?" I agree calmly. We set a date to meet and a place to have lunch. I haven't seen her in 5 months remember. Last time I saw her I was giving her a long passionate kiss goodbye in January. I go to bed and sleep better than I had for the entire time I was at school. It was bliss and I had a burden lifted from me for one night... 8:00AM the next morning I get a text, I reach for my phone and its from her! I thinks its GREAT for a split second. She says "Hi, I dont think you and I can meet at all, we are dating now and I don't think its fair to him to see you. sorry bye." I call her right away hurt beyond belief. She picks up... I hear her voice for the first time in months. It was like talking to a stranger. I'll admit it, I was a nervous wreck. I couldn't maintain my calm and cool anymore. I asked her why she would make plans just to cancel them the next morning. She had zero valid answers. They were all very selfish answers. She just kept saying I'm dating W(the new guy) now and not you. I'd say that's not fair! You aren't even going to see me to give me a well deserved face to face conversation? She says no, no , and no. I break down start crying, wondering where I went wrong. She starts the whole drive through thing asking "is that all?" and it pisses me off every time I hear it. I try to remind her of the three years we had. She says stop thinking about the past, there's nothing let for us. I don't care for you anymore. I told her "if you keep treating my like this, you may never hear from me again." she just said "I'm fine with it." I'm pretty much dumbfounded. Sitting there wondering where three years of my life went. And who this girl was on the phone.

I get my finals in and make straight A's. So friggin what. I get to fly home soon. I'm all packed soon and have nothing left in my room but my laptop sitting on the floor at 1AM the day I go home. I get a text on AIM from her right before I shut the computer down. "Hey, are you home yet?" I hesitate for 10 minutes. I reply "no." she comes back with "Oh ok" I decide it's a good idea to pretend I don't care anymore. Even though I do, the same I always had. I don't want her thinking I'm clingy or desperate. I pack up my laptop and fly home the next day. That's he last I heard from her.

I get off the airplane and see the very spot where I last saw her with my own eyes. I nearly break down. My depressed mother was standing there instead. She tells me I look really thin and unhealthy. I found out later I lost 15 pounds while at school. And uh, I'm already a really thin guy so this was kind of a big deal. I know my mom, first thing she is going to do is force me to apply for jobs all around town before even taking me home to relax and pull myself together after traveling all day. She does just that. I eventually get home to my room.

Every day since then, I wake up, apply for jobs online and every now and then go in town to search for jobs then comeback home and eat dinner alone in front of my PC. I've repeated that every single day since May 29th. I still can't get someone to hire me. I have heard nothing from my ex girlfriend.

I met a cute new girl online (I know that's kind of lame but I can't seem to meet girls in person that I think are a likely match for me) and we had a date set up to meet and go have fun at the beach. We seem to hit it off and talk on the phone for hours every night for about a week. She canceled the date the night before and told me she is thinking of getting back together with her ex who is 28 years old and has two kids. She's only 23 and a single college student. She loves him still she tells me, even though he took advantage of her for her money and never bought a gift or even a greeting card during their entire relationship. So I pretty much roll my eyes. Tell her she's making a mistake. And to spare me anymore details because it's a bad decision and I don't see how someone can be so connected to a guy who treats them like crap anyway.

I don't care about her. I just wanted to meet her and see if there were any sparks. But now she too doesn't want to meet me, not even for the first time. I'm over that, didn't care too much. I'm getting used to rejection.

That just left me thinking, "wow, I treated my ex so wonderfully, bought her tons of things, supported her ideas, her business ventures, drove her places, took vacations together, I thought we were emotionally in tune with each other, and both managed our own money. We had a really picture perfect relationship and I KNOW I was a great boyfriend. The contrast between this new girl going back with her crappy ex and my ex leaving me for a guy who doesn't even like her... it just makes me feel like I'm insane. I'm some kind of crazy person in a world where people don't ever see things the same way I do.

Truth is, nothing has gone right for me since the year 2009 began.

What am I doing wrong? Can anyone offer me advice of any kind pertaining to anything here?

I pray to God everyday to point me in the right direction. My mother is soooo depressed and comes crying to me every single day about HER breakup. I can't leave the house because I don't have gas money. My mother gets upset if I mention having a friend come up here to see me. I'm 22 years old by the way. Yes, I live with my mom, I'm a college student and not yet prepared to live on my own. I'm not a Mamas boy or whatever, I just look out for her because no one else does.

How can I stop this awful cycle?

After all these months, there's no light at the end of this tunnel! I miss my ex sooo bad, every day. I tried forgetting her. I tried being social and distracting myself. I try leaving it up to God. But I just exist here, feeling dormant. I can't seem to get it out of my brain. It stuck there tormenting me. I'm forcing myself not to contact her. Its like you all say, if she's interested, she'd contact me.

Thanks for taking the time to hear all this.

-Zigg

[ajGambino]

1. I'm some kind of crazy person in a world where people don't ever see things the same way I do.

2. Truth is, nothing has gone right for me since the year 2009 began.

1. That sentence right there is what EVERYONE that has been dumped, goes through. You are not the only one, there are tons of good people out there that get screwed over. It's the sad fact of life, but it makes us stronger.

2. You're tellin' me. This year is by far the worst of my life. My ex left me after 9 years (we were living together), my brother is a drug addict and needs to rehab, my job has recently been cutting hours which cut my paycheck pretty deep, one of my best friends is moving out of town and the Lakers are about to win another Championship. Ouch.


Point is, as hard as it is right now, you shouldn't dwell all the time. You should be thinking about plans for yourself and for the future to better something in your life. I understand all the negativity that you're going through, I've been there and still am. It's been almost 2 months since she left me and I'm glad to say that it's getting a little better. While you stick to NC, just remember the fact that she dumped you for someone else. You do not deserve that man, you should be telling yourself to move on but not necessarily with someone else... be happy with yourself. It will take time and it will hurt. You will have the ups, you will have the downs... but when days go by, it'll get easier to deal with bit by bit. By telling yourself to move on, you will be doing yourself a huge favor for your life, because you deserve your life back man. Shed this skin and start living for yourself now. Good luck man, work hard.

[FakeShades]

You probably already know this, but NC is no doubt the way to go. Read the guide on maintaining NC and all the success stories that have come from it.

I don't have any advice about your mother, I never been in that situation, but keep yourself busy, working out usually makes people feel better about themselves and it helps relieve stress.

And when you catch yourself thinking of her, don't think of her as this perfect being you used to have but focus on how uncaring she truly is, and how she isn't worth your time/feelings.

[FakeShades]

1. That sentence right there is what EVERYONE that has been dumped, goes through. You are not the only one, there are tons of good people out there that get screwed over. It's the sad fact of life, but it makes us stronger.

2. You're tellin' me. This year is by far the worst of my life. My ex left me after 9 years (we were living together), my brother is a drug addict and needs to rehab, my job has recently been cutting hours which cut my paycheck pretty deep, one of my best friends is moving out of town and the Lakers are about to win another Championship. Ouch.


Point is, as hard as it is right now, you shouldn't dwell all the time. You should be thinking about plans for yourself and for the future to better something in your life. I understand all the negativity that you're going through, I've been there and still am. It's been almost 2 months since she left me and I'm glad to say that it's getting a little better. While you stick to NC, just remember the fact that she dumped you for someone else. You do not deserve that man, you should be telling yourself to move on but not necessarily with someone else...be happy with yourself. It will take time and it will hurt. You will have the ups, you will have the downs...but when days go by, it'll get easier to deal with bit by bit. By telling yourself to move on, you will be doing yourself a huge favor for your life, because you deserve your life back man. Shed this skin and start living for yourself now. Good luck man, work hard.

LMAO, that's awful, I strongly agree.

[chuff]

Part 1 of 2


First let's address this ugliness.

the Lakers are about to win another Championship.

Disturbing isn't it. I've driven to Orlando twice this week and then driven 2 hours home and got up the next day to go to work very tired and am going tomorrow to watch them lose probably again and probably in overtime after giving the game away and will be tired again Monday morning at work after only a few hours of sleep.

Let's get down to business.

I'm old fashioned and picky so meeting her was really special because most people my age don't agree with the way I live my life. I'm an idealist, a Christian, and I try to live to be the very best man I can be.

And you still are. So you've come through a trying time in your life stronger then before.

So I have trouble meeting girls that appreciate that.

Aren't there girls at your church looking for the same thing? I'm just saying don't put limits on yourself.

My goal here has always been to get her back. Not to "move on". To be honest, aside from sitting around and working on my artwork and playing video games there isn't much to move on to. My mother and I live together, she is very negative and depressed and places a huge burden on me to keep her happy. She just broke up with her 3rd serious relationship right when my occurred. Her unhappiness drives me crazy and makes me that much more unhappy as well. I'm getting tired of working on crap alone in front of my computer! I like being social. All of my friends have moved away unfortunately.

Your mother has to make her own happiness. Happiness does not come from somewhere else, it comes from with in. You have to express that to her.

As far as your friends moving away, can't you make new friends? You said you were Christian, I assume that means you are going to church. Don't they have functions you could go to? How about volunteering for something. Even yours truly has volunteered at a dog shelter before. Granted the dogs are not human, but they are social.

She reveals that she thinks we should stop talking because she is trying to "deal with feelings she has for someone". I then crap my pants and fall over dead. Then I inquire politely even, trying to maintain my composure. She tells me his name and I ask how she managed to get so serious over someone in just a month and a half. I lose it and ask to hear her voice and she said she'd call me soon. She calls...and shes crying her eyes out over this guy because he told her he didnt like her and thinks nothing special of her. I pretty much dont know what the hell to do or say. After every sentence of hers she said something like, and I don't want to get back together! I wouldnt even ask!! she would just fire that off at me! I'm trying to act cool and calm this whole time. I inquire some more, as fragile as possible. She says she met him at work. Then I realize thats the answer. She got the factory job maybe a year ago. And has been working 12 hour oever night shifts there ever since. She was just tired and grumpy when she came to see me all the time. She met this new guy there! They've been working together 12 hour shifts ever since last August! She even mentioned him once! I remember her telling me that she didnt mind work anymore because there was a friend she could joke around with to pass the time!

What I think you missed in all this was you had been moved into the friend zone by her. She no longer looked at you as a lover, but a friend. The fact that you were listening to her go on about another guy is not only insulting, it's a reflection of her perspective about your relationship. To her, you were the guy she was going to dump her problems on. You made yourself available for this and instead of backing off you kept getting more and more information. But you digging was her dumping the emotional baggage.

My time at school comes to an end. I cry myself to sleep every night.

I understand you were upet. But in these situations if you put yourself to sleep upset you wake up, upset. You have to do something positive for yourself right before bed so that it floats around in your brain for 8 hours like that.

She contacts a week before I come home on an airplane. She sounds happy/friendly for the first time since the breakup. She says things are going well with the new guy and was just wondering if I still wanted to meet up finally to talk and get closure when I get back home up North. She tells me she "misinterpreted" what the guy said about not liking her and they are "taking things slow". I'm reading that and thinking what the heck? I say "I think he sounds like he doesn't care about you."

This not your concern. Don't you see what happened? She got you to be plan B. She's got you as back up because he doesn't care about her. If and when he dumps her, she's got you waiting the background.

I asked "Why would you date someone who told you they don't think you are special?" She says "Hes getting better."

He's a challenge. You are the sure thing.

....Can you believe that crapp??

Pretty much, yes.

She is acting TOTALLY unlike herself and COMPLETELY out of her own character.

To me it sounds like she's acting like a woman. What I mean by that is, women want a challenge, they want someone who doesn't give them everything. They may tell you differently and Oprah may tell them men are pigs, but if you pay attention to what they respond to this is actually in no way surprising.

Its like this is some different version of my old girlfriend. So she suddenly says "I was thinking we could maybe have lunch when you get back?" I agree calmly.

Why? You are prolonging your own pain.

We set a date to meet and a place to have lunch. I haven't seen her in 5 months remember. Last time I saw her I was giving her a long passionate kiss goodbye in January. I go to bed and sleep better than I had for the entire time I was at school. It was bliss and I had a burden lifted from me for one night... 8:00AM the next morning I get a text, I reach for my phone and its from her!! I thinks its GREAT for a split second. She says "Hi, I dont think you and I can meet at all, we are dating now and I don't think its fair to him to see you. sorry bye."

So she's a coward and does it via text.

I call her right away hurt beyond belief. She picks up... I hear her voice for the first time in months. It was like talking to a stranger. I'll admit it, I was a nervous wreck. I couldn't maintain my calm and cool anymore. I asked her why she would make plans just to cancel them the next morning. She had zero valid answers.

Because stringing you alone as plan B doesn't sound nice. However it would have at least been honest.

They were all very selfish answers.

Yes, because she is selfish.

She just kept saying I'm dating W(the new guy) now and not you. I'd say thats not fair! You arent even going to see me to give me a well deserved face to face conversation? She says no, no , and no. I break down start crying, wondering where I went wrong.

You kept talking to her.

[chuff]

Part 2 of 2.

She starts the whole drive through thing asking "is that all?" and it pisses me off everytime i hear it. I try to remind her of the three years we had. She says stop thinking about the past, theres nothing let for us. I don't care for you anymore. I told her "if you keep treating my like this, you may never hear from me again." she just said "I'm fine with it." I'm pretty much dumbfounded. Sitting there wondering where three years of my life went. And who this girl was on the phone.

I'm sorry you are upset about this. But I just reread that last paragraph twice and the only question I have is, why would you want this woman?

I get my finals in and make straight A's. So friggin what.

I'll tell you so friggin what. You education will last you to the day you die. That's what. This is one dumb cheating b!tch who is not more important then you, your future, or you education. That' friggin what. She is not the end all be all of human existence and you better start realizing that. She's done nothing but use you since last August and once the holidays were over and a new year started she followed through with her plans to start something new. She then kept you on the merry go round because plan A wasn't as available as you are. Once you came she was forced to end the game. Do not tell me for one second that your life and your education is somehow less important then this low class cheating slut. There are people on this planet right now who would give their own lives to send their children to get an elementary education and you got a college education. Do not give me so friggin what when you accomplish all A's. She, nor any other of the 3 billion woman are more important then that. Do not insult yourself, me, or those people who will never get to your level with this BS that a woman, especially this one, is more important then that.

I get off the airplane and see the very spot where I last saw her with my own eyes. I nearly break down.

I flew in to Tampa about two month ago and saw a 3 or 4 year old little girl go running into her father's arms, who just happened to be a soldier. Not going to lie, I almost shed a tear. That guy could die for me, and leave that little one behind for a cause bigger then himself. Different airport different experience, your girl isn't worth breaking down for, but next time you go to airport you'll probably see men and women serving you getting greetings like that or with banners or big groups waiting. Maybe you ought to start asking yourself what's really important a girl screwing with your head or something like that. If your going to be moved by something at least let be worth it.

My depressed mother was standing there instead.

Depressed or not, she still loves you, and she still cared enough to show up. Can't you find the positive in that? Maybe your mother isn't emotionally well, but she at least cares enough not to purposely screw with your head and to give you a ride home.

Every day since then, I wake up, apply for jobs online and every now and then go in town to search for jobs then comeback home and eat dinner alone in front of my pc. I've repeated that every single day since May 29th. I still can't get someone to hire me.

It's not that you can't get anybody to hire you, it's that there are so few jobs available. This economy sucks, tax rates are going up so business has to cut back and jobs are the easiest to cut. Unemployment is now close to 10% and going higher. I'm not saying don't use that as an excuse to not look, but also be aware there aren't jobs a plenty out there. Also, two weeks isn't that long when job searching.

I have heard nothing from my ex girlfriend.

Thank God. Literally, I mean you should be thanking God.

I met a cute new girl online (I know thats kinda lame but I can't seem to meet girls in person that I think are a likely match for me) and we had a date set up to meet and go have fun at the beach. We seem to hit it off and talk on the phone for hours every night for about a week. She canceled the date the night before and told me she is thinking of getting back together with her ex who is 28 years old and has two kids. Shes only 23 and a single college student. She loves him still she tells me, even though he took advantage of her for her money and never bought a gift or even a greeting card during their entire relationship. So I pretty much roll my eyes. Tell her shes making a mistake. And to spare me anymore details because its a bad decision and I dont see how someone can be so connected to a guy who treats them like crap anyways.

Great news!! You didn't waste a dime on this one before she told you she likes being an abused victim. You lost nothing.

Having said that, I'm not suggesting you treat woman like crap, but you do come off as the nice guy who always listens to a woman's problems and tries to correct them. Let them correct their own behavior. You can not be the guy who is always available to talk to. That will continue to put you in the friend zone.

I don't care about her. I just wanted to meet her and see if there were any sparks. But now she too doesn't want to meet me, not even for the first time. I'm over that, didn't care too much. I'm getting used to rejection.

Two girls out of 3 billion does not equal rejection. In fact 2.9 billion girls saying no does not equal rejection. All you need is one to say yes. I will let you in on a Chuff secret. I have been rejected. No, It's true, it's true. But that's there loss, not mine. I've been rejected by girls who I later found out got beat by boyfriends, other's who I found out had been cheated on and they knew it, other's who were psycho. My point is you may not know who is "rejecting" you and if you did you might not consider it rejection. Usually when a girl turns you down there is something wrong with HER not with you. In this case, you already know there is something wrong with her.

That just left me thinking, "wow, I treated my ex so wonderfully, bought her tons of things, supported her ideas, her business ventures, drove her places, took vacations together, I thought we were emotionally in tune with each other, and both managed our own money. We had a really picture perfect relationship and I KNOW I was a great boyfriend. The contrast between this new girl going back with her crappy ex and my ex leaving me for a guy who doesnt even like her... it just makes me feel like I'm insane. I'm some kind of crazy person in a world where people don't ever see things the same way I do.

You were a great boyfriend. You are starting to base some things on two girls.

Having said that, you are a little inexperienced in dealing with how a woman's mind works. Using your two examples what both guys give those girls is challenge. Those guys do NOT buy them everything, do NOT treat them great all the time, are NOT always available, and most important they put themselves above the girl.

You need to apply all these things to you life with woman. YOU are the most important person, not her. Do not buy her everything. In fact, insist she buy you things. If she says I want to go see such and such movie, say "if your buying and available at 6:00 pm" I can give you two hours." That lets her know
A. she's paying and you are not an open wallet.
B. You give direction by giving the time.
C. Your time is valuable and you will give her two hours of yours as a gift that is not to be taken for granted.

If she starts complaining about something shut her down immediately. The thing I noticed you did is allowed you ex to ramble on with you for 5 months about stuff that not your problem. They get one chance to complain about something. If they don't make any improvements and continue to complain flat out tell them you aren't going to listen to her go on and on about it. She'll pretend to be mad, but she'll really respect you for standing up to her whining.

Do not always be there. When she calls and says call back just to talk. Don't. When you tell her you'll pick her up at 8:00 wait until 8:10. She's on your time, not the other way around. When she's on the phone talking about nothing important get off the phone. Make is short. Less is more.

Truth is, nothing has gone right for me since the year 2009 began.

Really? Because I remember when you wrote this...

I get my finals in and make straight A's.

Which is funny since this is the most important thing you can being doing for yourself, so I'd say in the importance dept 2009 has been very good to you.

Truth is, you are choosing to make sure nothing goes right because it's easier to stay at the bottom then to climb up. It is easier to look at all the negative and say "life sucks I'm not going to do anything." You come with a brain that is designed to stay negative for as a protection mechanism and it's easy to overlook accomplishments when the negative is the focus.

What am I doing wrong? Can anyone offer me advice of any kind pertaining to anything here?

Hopefully I have.

I pray to God everyday to point me in the right direction.

Maybe God has brought you to me. Watch out AMHD.com members, I have connections.:eek:

In all seriousness, how do you know God hasn't put these situations in you life to see what you learn from them. You either grow from pain or repeat it. Maybe you need to grow.

My mother is soooo depressed and comes crying to me every single day about HER breakup. I can't leave the house because I don't have gas money. My mother gets upset if I mention having a friend come up here to see me. I'm 22 years old by the way. Yes, I live with my mom, I'm a college student and not yet prepared to live on my own. I'm not a Mamas boy or whatever, I just look out for her because no one else does.

You mom has to solve her own problems. Again, you can offer advice but if she doesn't take it then tell her, "I told you what to do, and you didn't listen, there is no more advice I can give you." There's nothing wrong or mama's boyish about taking care of you mother either.

How can I stop this awful cycle?

Recognize the behavior patterns you have. Life is the same situation replayed hundreds of times. How you behave in those situation is what matters.

Also, quit beating yourself up. Quit being negative about everything and start seeing the positive in everything.

After all these months, theres no light at the end of this tunnel! I miss my ex sooo bad, every day. I tried forgetting her. I tried being social and distracting myself. I try leaving it up to God. But I just exist here, feeling dormant. I can't seem to get it out of my brain. It stuck there tormenting me. I'm forcing myself not to contact her. Its like you all say, if shes interested, she'd contact me.

It was over for her last August or before. You are just now entering NC. She had a long head start which is why it's so easy for her. Give yourself some credit. You fought through all this and succeeded at school, you succeeded at getting some help, and you are now succeeding at NC and making good life choices. The positives are there, start looking at them.

[Ziggurat2009]

Whoa, that is some fantastic advice. I know I am probably being very negative. I try my best to be optimistic and happy but then it just feels like I'm acting.

A few things I wanted to point out that seemed to be lost in my story. I am a Christian yes, I grew up as one and try to maintain a connection with God. I do no go to Church. I used to. But when my family broke apart we stopped going. I don't really feel like getting all involved and what not. I know those people are supposed to by my type of crowd (according to society) but I never feel quite like I fit in.

I should point out, I realize I did change for the worse during our relationship. But because of other influences. My family... they are all negative people. Yes my mother is the source for all that. She is so overbearing. But I was taking her for granted, thinking she'd never leave me and things seemed fine to me back then. I would snap at her, I was stupid. I would ignore her sometimes when she is trying to get my attention. Just things like that. Nothing major like cheating or kissing other girls. And she put herself in this position where if I was trying to talk to her seriously about something, she would just give the impression that she is being lectured when I am just trying to have a heart to heart talk. This would be about other stuff in the world not our relationship. Well, apparently, according to her (she told me this during one of our very few talks post-breakup) that I treated people as if they are inferior. And her too. I don't think that is true. I just am an idealist, I guess that's the word for me. So she just started hearing me sound like I am better than everyone or something. I DO get easily angry and irritated with the general public. So did she though. Anyway, I did make some mistakes that are worth mentioning.

The other thing is, she and I were both our firsts loves. She technically isn't a slut by the way. She only had me and we didn't actually have sex. Not t glorify her but just so you guys understand what type of person she WAS... she once bought flowers for an old man that worked in the toll booth she always passed at night coming home from classes. The guy cried and thanked her, he was very moved. She was quite considerate of others and always sure to be compassionate. Chuff you asked why would I want this woman? Truth is, our three years together were just really great times. We had maybe one or two fights over silly things. Great chemistry and made each other laugh every single day. She didn't become this selfish b!tch until she broke up with me. So its like I miss my girlfriend, not this selfish person she turned into afterward. I guess that's why I still love her, because 2006-2008 was just a great time in my life because of her. I suppose I want that back.

Another thing, you might be painting a picture of her in your mind that she's some typical hot blond or something. She absolutely beautiful to me, don't get me wrong. But to others they might notice her weight issue, she's not the most fit, and she's very self conscious. I know most girls are but she was quite overweight for her height. I don't care, I grew to love that about her. Sounds stupid but its true. She's seriously the cutest thing ever though, she has dimples and has a very silly personality.

Chuff, I am familiar with the game and being a chase is exciting. I did not keep in contact with her while I was at school. During those five months, we had 3 phone conversations and maybe 4 AIM chat conversations. I only made the effort to contact her once! That was when she told me about the new guy. By the way he's 30 and never went to college. I saw a pic of him, he looks like a mess, nothing like me. She has big plans to be an entrepreneur and start businesses, I REALLY don't see how she thinks this guy fits in... Do you think she is really just looking for excitement? Its so contradicting, she used to go on and on about when we move in together and what kinds of foods we'd buy and what our place will look like. Her mother left her father for another man. She used to tell me how much it disgusted her... and we would talk about why people do those types of things. And LOOK she went did just that! So yeah I tried being scarce and unavailable to her. We went a whole 2 months without hearing from each other during that time.

Chuff, yes she is a coward. I know that. She has never quit a job face to face. I knew if she ever broke up with me she would probably call me or write me. I have tried helping her overcome her social anxiety and fear of conflict. Its her biggest flaw, hands down.

That's also (I think) what caused our relationship to fail. She doesn't say anything when she is mad or upset. She just stays quiet for hours or even the whole day. She DOES NOT communicate AT ALL. She was somewhat physically abused as a little girl, her father used his belt on her. I thought that might've messed with her head growing up or something.

Any other thoughts folks?

[chuff]

That was a great read about her and her and her. Luckily for you I don't really care about her. What I care about is you and getting you back on track. I understand how easy it is to look back and romantize certain times and sometimes the woman gets wrapped up in that and we romantize her instead of the time. But she's not who she used to be and you are better then you are allowing yourself to be.

Your life's journey allowed her along for the ride for 3 years, 2 1/2 of which were good. But now you are going in another direction and you are doing it with the most important person and the only person you will have a lifetime relationship and that is yourself. What can you today, this moment to start being positive and put positive things into you head? Now is the time for you to be selfish and there is nothing wrong with being selfish when it comes to creating a better you. The stronger you make yourself the better prepared you can be for the next one and life in general. But it starts with you, and starts from the inside. Chasing your emotions from 2006 doesn't mean a thing in 2009. You need to bring the focus to now and to you.

[talaniman]

Well done Chuff!

During those five months, we had 3 phone conversations and maybe 4 AIM chat conversations. I only made the effort to contact her once! That was when she told me about the new guy. By the way he's 30 and never went to college.

I find this amusing frankly, you down playing the contact you have had with her, but failing to see how that limited contact has impacted your feelings, and attitude, for the worst. Not her fault, since you allow it, right?

Take some advice for a change and cut the girl from your life so you can eventually stop torturing yourself, and tripping about her and her life. That's borderline sick, and insane, (which you are, but you can heal) and you could have already been at a place you can see the glass is half full.

All that writing about her, you make us read, but you ignore the suggestions you have asked for.

Congrats on the good grades, keep looking for work, and have some fun without putting conditions on it.

My gosh dude 2 females down, millions to go, life is short, so get busy. Ya ain't got time for crying

[snow124]

Coming from another 22-year old computer geek that doesn't drink or smoke and recently got out of a three year relationship where he made his ex his entire life: NC is the way to go. While it's easier for me as my ex had devolved into a lying cheater, there's one certain similarity between our situations: our exes don't feel the same way about us. In order to make the same true of you, you need her to be cut out of your life. Dwelling on it, romanticizing every aspect of the relationship, and writing these long posts isn't helping. Keep yourself as distracted as possible and realize she's gone.

[Ziggurat2009]

Hi everyone. I am not sure what I'm here for. I suppose just to vent. I got home from school a month and a half ago. It has been so boring and life has become more difficult actually now that I do not have any school work to distract me. Also, I'm home, I could drive 20 minutes to see her (my ex) and its just so tempting to contact her. I thought I would be over her by now.

I went out on a date (sorta) with a girl last night. I wasn't exactly excited about it. I am low on cash but I agreed to meet her just because I figure I need to get out and have some kind of life. We were meeting with a few of her friends to have dinner. I was the odd man out. I didn't know what the heck they were all talking about and she wasn't paying any attention to me. She kept fooling around with her friend. I realized she is probably too young and immature for me.

My ex seems completely happy with her new relationship. I think it is a rebound. She asked him out 40 days after breaking up with me through Facebook! Hes nothing like me. I am irritated how she pushes me away so very much, and I don't understand why, I treated her so well. Spoiled her, was always reliable, and helped her with what little money I had. She appears to have ZERO remorse. ZERO regret. She doesn't even hint at missing me or thinking about me. It makes me feel like the three years I spent loving her were in my imagination. She behaves like she's doing perfect. She tells her cousin this new guys a "keeper" on Facebook. As if... I'm not?? I do not contact her (one exception I'll get to that in a second). I have had zero luck finding a job for the Summer which really sucks. I find myself sitting here doing my artwork and even additional school work at my computer. I of course can't resist checking her Facebook. Her new boyfriend doesn't ever leave her anything there. He must not be a computer person or something. He has a picture, and he looks old enough to be her dad... it sickens me. She was never a girl to be into older men. She acts so silly and childish, its part of her humor and it just makes this whole new relationship of hers seem very far out of character for her.

On the 3rd and 4th of July she contacted me (just phone texts and AIM chat, she never calls). Just "hi how are things" and "whats new, anything?" I was neutral and answered her questions with limited details. I asked how she was after that and she replied with just "good" then asked me again "whats new with you?" She knows I tend to over explain and share details (don't laugh) so I purposefully kept things very short but just enough. So the next day at 10:00PM I was watching fireworks on the beach. I couldn't stop thinking about her of course. I had bad heartache. I texted her "Happy Fourth Terri." I didn't care if she responded but she actually did. "Thank you, you too. What did you do today?" she asks back. Later on I just told her where I saw fireworks and how many people were there. Just one sentence.

So nothing else since then. I've watched every movie I have. I watched the Dark Knight 4 times. I beat all of my Xbox games. I'm really dying to have some kind of fun. I'm broke. I miss her. I do not want to return to school down south without at least seeing her once this Summer. I do not know what I hope to achieve by doing that. Perhaps some peace of mind.

Again, I do not know what I'm posting for. Perhaps some shared experiences or something of the sort?

I am wasting every day of Summer it seems. I see friends when they are available and I have gas but that isn't very often.

[kctiger]

I have had zero luck finding a job for the Summer which really sucks. I find myself sitting here doing my artwork and even additional school work at my computer. I of course can't resist checking her Facebook. Her new bf doesn't ever leave her anything there. He must not be a computer person or something. He has a picture, and he looks old enough to be her dad... it sickens me.

Once you devote AMPLE attention to your own life and remove her from yours, perhaps things will start looking up. Call me stupid, but just me, I wouldn't want to be keeping tabs on someone who dumped me. You can't really expect to get out of your funk until you make the effort to do so... ridding yourself of Facebook (her profile) is one of the first steps.