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Nestorian · Jun 7, 2009, 10:02 PM

May peace and kindness be with you brother.

taoplr · Jun 8, 2009, 12:00 AM

Originally Posted by help4me2200

Thanks everybody for all of the help, it has been amazing!

OK. I understand that it is fear. I am basically a shy guy. I do not really go after girls the way I should. Anyway, what is the part of me that knows? I did have serious reservations about marrying her, and I could be in a living hell if I did it. I am just really confused as to why I experienced all of this when it was me that initiated the break up. I want to move on, but a part of me wants her back. Is that part of me that wants her back actually living a lie?, or do I really doubt my decision? I did not try to go back to her until 6months after the break up. If I really loved her, do you think I would have waited so long?

Cool. I admire your honesty and courage, both in acknowledging your fear and in recognizing that you went back to "not lose" (to either him or her). Such characteristics mean that you can resolve your issues and will do so faster and better than if you denied what you are doing.

What you are doing seems to be agonizing over having lost a contest with both of them, a loss that means something to you that only you can access. But my guess is that you had something good going with her. You might be lonely and feeling anxious about being alone, but you knew that what you had with her was just not good enough to warrant 24/7 for the rest of your life. You made the right call.

The appropriate principle is: Never doubt in the dark what you saw in the light.

If you want to understand how to access the meaning I just mentioned, read the thread: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...359578-25.html

The "part of you that knows," in this case, can be called your intuition. You had a small voice telling you "Not this one" while the rest of you was ready to marry her. You get clarity about this when you consciously see what your instinctive, intuitive mind has been discerning in the background and making available for you to know. Like the rest of us, most of these discerning functions happen outside of consciousness, and you get to experience them through vague feelings or thoughts.. . a seemingly small voice delivering a huge message. It is in your interest to become adept at listening to it.

Be kind to yourself about all this. You've done nothing wrong. You just got caught in a loop of self-doubt and forgot how mean this woman could be.

My advice: Make a decision to let your suffering finally pass through you. Take the loss with an open heart; let it all happen in your very bones and reach its natural end; let go of your need to not lose. Digest this experience and don't resist it any longer.

Then, learn how to recognize the competitive voice inside of you, the voice of you as lover, and playmate, self doubter, winner/victor and even loser/victim. Pay attention to how you talk to yourself, how each of these identities (Read the thread) communicates with your conscious mind. Teach yourself to reflect on your inner state (mood, emotional atmosphere) and how that state influences your thinking and behavior. Do this well and you will no longer get confused like you did with this situation.

Tao

help4me2200 · Jun 8, 2009, 09:56 AM

Originally Posted by taoplr

Cool. I admire your honesty and courage, both in acknowledging your fear and in recognizing that you went back to "not lose" (to either him or her). Such characteristics mean that you can resolve your issues and will do so faster and better than if you denied what you are doing.

What you are doing seems to be agonizing over having lost a contest with both of them, a loss that means something to you that only you can access. But my guess is that you had something good going with her. You might be lonely and feeling anxious about being alone, but you knew that what you had with her was just not good enough to warrant 24/7 for the rest of your life. You made the right call.

The appropriate principle is: Never doubt in the dark what you saw in the light.

If you want to understand how to access the meaning I just mentioned, read the thread: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...359578-25.html

The "part of you that knows," in this case, can be called your intuition. You had a small voice telling you "Not this one" while the rest of you was ready to marry her. You get clarity about this when you consciously see what your instinctive, intuitive mind has been discerning in the background and making available for you to know. Like the rest of us, most of these discerning functions happen outside of consciousness, and you get to experience them through vague feelings or thoughts. ...a seemingly small voice delivering a huge message. It is in your interest to become adept at listening to it.

Be kind to yourself about all this. You've done nothing wrong. You just got caught in a loop of self-doubt and forgot how mean this woman could be.

My advice: Make a decision to let your suffering finally pass through you. Take the loss with an open heart; let it all happen in your very bones and reach its natural end; let go of your need to not lose. Digest this experience and don't resist it any longer.

Then, learn how to recognize the competitive voice inside of you, the voice of you as lover, and playmate, self doubter, winner/victor and even loser/victim. Pay attention to how you talk to yourself, how each of these identities (Read the thread) communicates with your conscious mind. Teach yourself to reflect on your inner state (mood, emotional atmosphere) and how that state influences your thinking and behavior. Do this well and you will no longer get confused like you did with this situation.

tao

Thank you for so much insight. You are dead on, about this. I hurt because she really did mean something to me, and I lost a friend. I hurt her, and she hurt me, it was just a cycle of dysfunction at the end. While I did love her, I must respect the little voice that told me "don't marry her". Going against that voice would have been a disaster. I must now face and be with my fears and insecurities. This event broght to the surface many emotional difficulties that I had failed to acknowledge or come to terms with, and suppressed over the years. Maybe in some strange way, I needed this to happen, so I could truly heal. I will keep reading the various responses to this post every day to draw strength going forward.

taoplr · Jun 8, 2009, 03:27 PM

Originally Posted by help4me2200

Thank you for so much insight. You are dead on, about this. I hurt because she really did mean something to me, and I lost a friend. I hurt her, and she hurt me, it was just a cycle of dysfunction at the end. While I did love her, I must respect the little voice that told me "don't marry her". Going against that voice would have been a disaster. I must now face and be with my fears and insecurities. This event broght to the surface many emotional difficulties that I had failed to acknowledge or come to terms with, and supressed over the years. Maybe in some strange way, I needed this to happen, so I could truly heal. I will keep reading the various responses to this post every day to draw strength going forward.

Good work! Remember to read the thread at https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relatio...359578-25.html

You will get a lot from it.

Tao

susangpyp · Jun 8, 2009, 03:30 PM

The hurt is a sign that you haven't grieved the relationship. Maybe you haven't let go.

You definitely need to go NC and stay NC. That will help a lot toward healing.

help4me2200 · Jun 8, 2009, 04:41 PM

Originally Posted by susangpyp

The hurt is a sign that you haven't grieved the relationship. Maybe you haven't let go.

You definitely need to go NC and stay NC. That will help a lot toward healing.

She still enters my thoughts every day. She has been gone 17 months, and with another guy for 14 months. I pretty much accept that it's over, but I have a hard time getting her out of my head. I was not prepared for this at all, or I probably would have married her. Why did not marrying her seem so much like the right thing to do, and afterwards I am in such a depression? I did know a few months before the actual break up, that it would very likely come to an end. I never suspected that my looking back would lead me down such a terrible and dark path. One note on this point, she was the one who always came back to me during the several interim break ups we had. I always felt she was wrong, and would not go back to her. Maybe it was my not being sensitive to her, or just not getting out early on. I've gone NC, how do I get her out of my thoughts?

By the way, I have never questioned myself like this before, but this was also my longest most serious relationship. Any advice is well appreciated.

help4me2200 · Jun 8, 2009, 04:48 PM

Threads merged

I have a problem with comparing all my new dates with my ex, and most (just about all) are not as pretty as my ex:(. This is a problem, and it makes me frustrated and causes me to regret the break up. Can you choose to stay with somebody because of looks alone? I guess not. I am concerned that I did not appreciate my ex as much as I should have. With that being said, I still did not think we would have made it on a 24/7 basis. What can I do to help myself with this? I do not want to live a life of regret, that seems foolish and unrealistic.

susangpyp · Jun 8, 2009, 04:49 PM

It sounds like it was a bit of a rocky relationship and she was the one who always caved in. People get tired of that after a while. She's gone and now is the time to come to terms with you... your behavior in the relationship and your reaction after it. Maybe you feel as if you didn't really appreciate her when you had her. That's a tough one but it's a learning lesson. I always suggest a Relationship Inventory where you sit down and get honest about what she did, what you did etc. It works through sorrow, anger, guilt etc. And it's a learning experience. It seems like you're holding on because you haven't really worked through what happened between the two of you.

help4me2200 · Jun 8, 2009, 04:57 PM

Originally Posted by susangpyp

It sounds like it was a bit of a rocky relationship and she was the one who always caved in. People get tired of that after a while. She's gone and now is the time to come to terms with you...your behavior in the relationship and your reaction after it. Maybe you feel as if you didn't really appreciate her when you had her. That's a tough one but it's a learning lesson. I always suggest a Relationship Inventory where you sit down and get honest about what she did, what you did etc. It works through sorrow, anger, guilt etc. And it's a learning experience. It seems like you're holding on because you haven't really worked through what happened between the two of you.

It was rocky. Actually, she told me I was her best boyfriend ever (she meant it). I was very nice to her, and did try my very best. I always took her great places, and loved her as much as I could. It is when she criticized me, or said bad things about me, I shut down and rejected her. When she became aggressive with me, I withdrew. The aggression scared me, and told me to be cautious in a marriage. She was physically beaten by her mom as a child, and I suspect that may have something to do with her aggression.

I was happy dating her, but a marriage just did not feel right for some reason. We spent only weekends together, and never lived together. It was coming to an end because of no marriage proposal.

I only regret that I did not go back one last time to be absolutely sure, but I guess I had three years to decide, and that is long enough.

help4me2200 · Jun 8, 2009, 05:09 PM

Originally Posted by susangpyp

It sounds like it was a bit of a rocky relationship and she was the one who always caved in. People get tired of that after a while. She's gone and now is the time to come to terms with you...your behavior in the relationship and your reaction after it. Maybe you feel as if you didn't really appreciate her when you had her. That's a tough one but it's a learning lesson. I always suggest a Relationship Inventory where you sit down and get honest about what she did, what you did etc. It works through sorrow, anger, guilt etc. And it's a learning experience. It seems like you're holding on because you haven't really worked through what happened between the two of you.

Would'nt I know if I really wanted to marry her? I should feel it, but I just did not.

help4me2200 · Jun 8, 2009, 05:27 PM

3 threads merged

Guys, please tell me if one should have a definite feeling that he has met the right one to marry? And, how long would you know this after dating her?

susangpyp · Jun 8, 2009, 05:28 PM

Originally Posted by help4me2200

Would'nt I know if I really wanted to marry her?? I should feel it, but I just did not.

I agree. I think you made the right call and now you have to make peace with it. That's the hard part.

Nestorian · Jun 8, 2009, 05:31 PM

Would you? Should you feel it?

Wondergirl · Jun 8, 2009, 05:40 PM

There is no "one" person meant for you. How would each of you answer these questions?

*Why are we getting married? Pregnancy, financial security, loneliness or wanting to get out of the family home are not valid reasons to get married.
*What do we as a couple want out of life?
*What do you think we'll be doing in thirty or forty years?
*How often do you drink?
*Have you ever hit someone?
*Do you think it is important to be faithful to one another?
*Do you have a criminal record?
*Are you willing to replace the toilet tissue roll?
*Can we talk about money and sex?
*Do we want children?
*How much time will we spend with in-laws?
*Will you clean the toilet?
*What will we do on our days off?

Megan2345 · Jun 8, 2009, 05:49 PM

Consider that looks are not only on the outside. The more you get to know someone the prettier or uglier you will find them depending on their personality. Have you ever met someone that was really attractive then spent some time with them and start to notice that they're not as good looking as you first thought?

help4me2200 · Jun 8, 2009, 06:23 PM

Originally Posted by Megan2345

Consider that looks are not only on the outside. The more you get to know someone the prettier or uglier you will find them depending on their personality. Have you ever met someone that was really attractive then spent some time with them and start to notice that they're not as good looking as you first thought?

A valid point, well taken. Thank you.

help4me2200 · Jun 8, 2009, 06:28 PM

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

There is no "one" person meant for you. How would each of you answer these questions?

*Why are we getting married? Pregnancy, financial security, loneliness or wanting to get out of the family home are not valid reasons to get married.
*What do we as a couple want out of life?
*What do you think we'll be doing in thirty or forty years?
*How often do you drink?
*Have you ever hit someone?
*Do you think it is important to be faithful to one another?
*Do you have a criminal record?
*Are you willing to replace the toilet tissue roll?
*Can we talk about money and sex?
*Do we want children?
*How much time will we spend with in-laws?
*Will you clean the toilet?
*What will we do on our days off?

More on point. In my last relationship (3 years) I did not feel that I wanted to marry her. After we broke up, I thought maybe that I made a mistake and should have married her. Basically, if she were the one for me, would I have let her go, or would the feeling be strong enough that I would not let her go? I appreciate all input on this! Thanks.

help4me2200 · Jun 8, 2009, 06:33 PM

Originally Posted by Nestorian

Would you? Should you feel it?

I would think that I would feel that she was right to the extent of wanting to be with her all of the time, or permantly. I did not have that feeling. Weekends were enough. It's easy to look back now that she's out of my life, so it's easy to see violins playing.

Wondergirl · Jun 8, 2009, 06:37 PM

Like I said, there is no perfect "one for me."

You did the right thing by letting her go. You apparently weren't ready for marriage.

help4me2200 · Jun 8, 2009, 07:21 PM

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

Like I said, there is no perfect "one for me."

You did the right thing by letting her go. You apparently weren't ready for marriage.

You say I was not ready for marriage. I assumed that I would feel the inclination to do it. I did not feel it, but instead had doubt. Is that not ready, or perhaps being with the wrong partner?