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vanheart · Sep 22, 2009, 05:38 PM

Thanks all.

Tal, I know all too well about talking to myself, as I work independently and spend the majority of my time alone. Good days & bad days, sometimes the combination of both.

Reactor, I appreciate your kind words and feel for you as well. I can't imagine having depression and a breakup on top of everything. Don't blame yourself. I, in know way wish to compare.

NC has removed the drama, yes. But has also been an internal battle that still goes on. It's the thoughts that pop up. Sometimes I can can deal with them straight away, other times debilitate me.

And johvanna,
I like your quote "God's delays aren't Gods denials"
Not looking for anything "coming back" in regards to her, but...
Patience. Yes. And more strength.

vanheart · Sep 22, 2009, 10:41 PM

Reactor,

You are doing the right thing by getting help.

I got to say, Ive had a really low week. Wanting to cash it in.
Tired, exhausted actually of this and everything.

I think I need to seek some therapy as well. Feeling weak, I can't do it alone anymore. I know Ive gained, but can't seem to get it together.

I was hoping time and work would get me there, but I guess I haven't been working hard enough. Im sick of this. Feeling pretty worthless lately and replaced.

amicon · Sep 22, 2009, 10:52 PM

Van I think you re right about going for therapy it s a good thing.Even though all the emotions you re going through are normal it seems to me that you re a bit hard on yourself?Someone once said to me when we get stuck at least there s something there that can move forward if we allow ourselves to let it become unstuck-I rather like that one.

vanheart · Sep 22, 2009, 11:04 PM

Thanks, I haven't found that something yet.

Reactor · Sep 23, 2009, 09:24 AM

I'm honestly surprised you haven't yet spoken to a therapist yet.

In Vancouver, I can imagine there being more than enough capable and established/respected therapist's within comfortable driving distance. Go for it.

As for me, I'm on the brink of self-destruction. Lost my girl to greener pastors, lost my job, and lost myself.

Quite sure therapy will be excellent for your situation Van.

talaniman · Sep 23, 2009, 09:39 AM

No doubt your still changing patterns of behavior, and thinking, that the time with the ex has led you too. That's okay, as it takes time, and there will be many things that will trigger good/bad memories.

As I work independently and spend the majority of my time alone.

This is something you can change, and should, as there is nothing like people, and activities, to overcome the triggers that bring haunting thoughts, and feelings, and make NEW memories and motivations.

I cannot tell you how volunteer work is a remedy, for many ills. One day a week can change your whole outlook, and give you something to look forward too.

I'm not saying make yourself into a social butterfly, but, do not isolate your self from human input, and feedback, for long periods of time. Not while your healing the hole in your soul!

vanheart · Sep 23, 2009, 05:55 PM

Thanks, Reactor.
My story is very similar. Lost my job in March, girl in May to greener pastures, and myself slowly in the past 5 years. I feel your pain in those regards.

Haven't spoke to anyone professionally, thought I could do it myself and with all of yours and others help. Plus zero health insurance right now.

Tal, thanks.
I know Im changing and that brings more heartache at times.
I do engage, and am not a hermit. But, you're right, Changing lifestyle is something I need to work on. Sometimes, its just me & my mind.

Thanks guys...

Reactor · Sep 23, 2009, 06:39 PM

Currently, I'm paying $85 a session (1 hour).

Though it's true, through Tao, Tal, and everyone else here, you have been getting excellent advice and feedback. I assume this thread isn't rated 5 stars for nothing.

Not to push, but how long has it been since you last heard word from your ex.

Are you proud of how long the NC has been, or has the time without contact gotten you more down and 'bloated', as it were. Odd question, but I'm curious.

tara1 · Sep 23, 2009, 06:39 PM

Hello Van,

You could try reading some books like "conquest of happiness" by Bertrand Russell. It is a very easy read, not meant to be theoretical or scholarly, even though written by a very prominent mind. I found it very engaging. You are now figuring out the next stage of your life, and times like these are very important for growth. You are just building a new life. Think of it as a new life.

Once again, at the expense of repetition by everyone, DO stuff - go out, say hi to new people, volunteer (you must try this!), read, watch happy movies, run, jog, exercise, swim... and be patient with yourself. Therapist won't do anything for you - he will just urge you to take charge of this situation by doing these things.

Tara

Reactor · Sep 23, 2009, 07:05 PM

"Therapist won't do anything for you"

I agree, and disagree. It's all in which therapist you choose, really. It can also be invigorating to share your inner most feelings with a face to face human being, rather than continuously typing/reading feedback vicariously throughout, which is definitely a helpful & healthy thing, no doubt.

Figure if this has helped you this far, speaking to someone respected/educated in the field could be that extra yardage you need to jump over this hell hurdle.

Such as life.

vanheart · Sep 23, 2009, 07:30 PM

We all may be going or has been through similar things, and can give advise until the cows come home
But..

The point is its different for everyone.

For me it all helps.
Whatever it takes to break through.

Glad to have you all with me. And vis-versa

vanheart · Sep 23, 2009, 11:02 PM

Reactor,

To answer your question about the last time.

Was a week & a half ago. A 2 ring hangup call on my cell.

The last time was and email & later a text wanted me to get together when she strolled into town. A month ago. "Id really love to see you" "I hope you will" kind of sh**t "Love, etc."

In between some attempts in contacting my closest friends.
"It would be helpful to know if hes ok.." "Can I call u 4 2 min?"

But first:
"Dont know where youre at, but Im ok"

Before that (the first one): "Not sure if youre working, but, I wanna say hi" "Let me know when I can call"

This was after our last conversation. As she hung up on me, left me sobbing & booked to visit her family to escape, a trip that was never planned for me.. 4 days after she dropped the bomb.

Dumped me over the phone, lied, then booked. Fix it later in her mind.

That's when I went NC and proud at least for that, as hard as it is. Thanks to the advice here. Yes mon.

Don't wish her or anything she touches to involve me physically ever again. Only if it helps me spiritually.

Im still working on that part.
Van
Hope that answers.

vanheart · Sep 24, 2009, 12:55 AM

And, thanks tara1, don't mean to neglect you.

Read your thread. Some good advice about not worrying about your ex.
"all it does ist hurt you and make it so you can't heal and move on."

Your right about thinking of this as a new life. Well put. Thanks.

How's your healing going?

talaniman · Sep 24, 2009, 06:33 AM

You have had 6 trigger points in the last 30 days! Your handling it great!

Was a week & a half ago. (1)A 2 ring hangup call on my cell.

(2)The last time was and email &(3) later a text wanted me to get together when she strolled into town. A month ago. (4)"Id really love to see you" "I hope you will" kind of sh**t "Love, etc."

In between some attempts in contacting my closest friends.
(5)"It would be helpful to know if hes ok.." "Can I call u 4 2 min?"

But first:(6)
"Dont know where youre at, but Im ok"

Before that (the first one): "Not sure if you're working, but, I wanna say hi" "Let me know when I can call"

Edit/ No your doing great since May!

tara1 · Sep 24, 2009, 09:34 AM

I am doing better since I last wrote about myself. Thanks.

Here is something to keep you amused:
http://www.ted.com/talks/helen_fishe...n_in_love.html
Helen Fisher tells us why we love + cheat | Video on TED.com

vanheart · Sep 24, 2009, 11:54 AM

Thanks, tal.

There's lots more. Just a matter of learning to not let them hurt me.

Tara:
Interesting stuff thanks.

vanheart · Sep 24, 2009, 06:48 PM

Forgive me incessant posts lately.

Having a rough week.

Tapes are running tonight & talking in her voice. Sorry, Byron Katie.

"Ive been here for 5 yrs & never got a chance to be single in this city. I can't move again without experiencing that. Im over him, been there, done that. There's nothing more he can give me. Feel sorry, but this and my freedom is way more important than him.

Trying to get rid of this sh**t.
I guess we suffer, make progress and suffer some, or maybe that's just me.

Reactor · Sep 24, 2009, 07:38 PM

"I guess we suffer, make progress and suffer some, or maybe thats just me."

Same boat boss... same boat... the constant struggle.

vanheart · Sep 24, 2009, 07:55 PM

Sometimes I want to mirror her bad actions & justifications to end this pain in my head & heart.

The coldness, plan & composure, the silly jabs. "Can u check me in to my flights, youre the best boyfriend."

Me doing the same, in terms of emotional void. Sounds right many times.

Not caring.

My battle.

Reactor · Sep 24, 2009, 08:28 PM

It seems we both need a little Rage in our emotions against 'them'.

I'm numb to rage, hence why I suffer.