Hi Everybody. I broke up with my ex 17 months ago. We were together for about 3 years. I broke up with her during a big argument. Basically, I did not feel that I wanted to marry her, and she wanted it. I was cool with the break up for about 4 months, and then I found out she had moved on with a new guy. I went back to her but she rejected me. I was devistated, and became deeply depressed. I developed insomnia, and could not sleep for months. Some part of me felt as if I had thrown away the best thing that ever happened to me. Clearly she had some great qualities, and loved me a lot, but my gut did not feel it would work 24/7. Our 3 year relationship was only on weekends. I'm still hurting 17 months later (but less than before). Can anybody please tell me how to get over this, and if you think I truly made a mistake in breaking up with her? Thanks for your comments!

She's been with the new guy for 14 months, is it time for me to forget and move on?

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Originally Posted by help4me2200

She's been with the new guy for 14 months, is it time for me to forget and move on?

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Obviously.

The reason you continue to suffer is because you haven't implemented the no contact rules. Every time you speak with her again, you reset all the progress you have made.

I'm sorry to say, but without blocking her out of your life, you will just prolong your pain. It's time to let her go and block her out of your life until you have recovered (before you can speak to her again).

Here are the no contact rules for your reference: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...qs-332732.html

Pay attention to what you are saying. You had fun, but didn't want to get married, so you both split. She found some one else to fill the void, much like a cociane user she was looking for her next fix. While she was with you she was receiving regular releases of Dopamine in her brain from her appatitive pleasure center, as were you; however, since you have not found another you are entering the depressive state that most if not all enter after losing the source of their "induced dopamine high" we call love.
This is not me just making stuff up either, if you read the book "the brain that changes it's self By Norman Doidge M.D." look at chaper 4 Acquired taste and love. (I think, it's something like that.) Any way, this book explains how Freud, founder of Analitical Psychology, used cocaine, not realising it's negative affects, and described the feelings he got from the high as the same feelings he got while around his wife. Doidge goes on to explain that Cocaine, Love, and A manic episode have the same ability to release dopamine in our brians giving us the same euphoric effect. As we all know a junkey goes through with drawls, so do people who loose their lover.

To get through this, and get over her, accept that is going to take time, you're going to want to keep your attention on you, and start living your life for yourself again. Get involved with different things, clubs, groups, get counseling (nothing major but just to sort a few things out. After all, they are just an extreamly useful source of inforamtion and self discovery.), try volunteering with an organization (try giving back to the community, if you aren't already.), avoid Bars, night clubs, drugs/alcohol so you can get your head straight. Then just give it time and your' brain will rewire for other things and not be hard wired into suffering over thoughts/feelings of her.

Trust me, the hurt never leaves. It's been since 2006 of June or July since my ex left me, we were together for 4 years, I still hurt every day. Difference is I leared to focuse on myself and discovered there is more to life than just girls/lovers, and I've got a lot to explore before Im ready to start focusing on things that make me sad, depressed. Mind you, this is after ten years of 'depression", but acctaully was bipolar. Don't wast what time you have trying to get over her, simply spend it enjoying, learning, exeriencing, and generally just BEING.

Good luck brother.

May peace and kindness be with you.

But I broke up with her, I really thought I would be fine. Is my not being fine a sign that I made a mistake, or that I just did not move on properly??

You made the right decision. She moved on with another guy so fast doesn't it tell you something? She just doesn't love you as much as you thought she did. Stop thinking about it, its not worth it. Once you get over her, someone better will come along!

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Originally Posted by none12345

You made the right decision. She moved on with another guy so fast doesnt it tell you something? She just doesnt love you as much as you thought she did. Stop thinking about it, its not worth it. Once you get over her, someone better will come along!

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OK, but she always told me she really loved me. In the end, I asked her to leave and she went ballistic. I REALLY felt that I made the right decision by letting her go in that instant. Why do I still hurt?? Is the hurt a sign that I made a mistake?? Please explain to me what I am going through. By the way, I broke off several shorter relationships (1 year or so), and I never looked back. They did not hurt like this. What gives?

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Originally Posted by help4me2200

OK, but she always told me she really loved me. In the end, I asked her to leave and she went ballistic. I REALLY felt that I made the right decision by letting her go in that instant. Why do I still hurt??? Is the hurt a sign that I made a mistake??? Please explain to me what I am going through. By the way, I broke off several shorter relationships (1 year or so), and I never looked back. They did not hurt like this. What gives?

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What are the reasons you broke up with her and the reasons you thought it was right at that time?

You're still hurt because you can't turn feelings off like a light switch. She told you she really loved you, so did my ex but she still left me for another guy. She probably has the urge to be with someone that's why she moved on with another guy so fast.

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Originally Posted by help4me2200

Hi Everybody. I broke up with my ex 17 months ago. We were together for about 3 years. I broke up with her during a big argument. Basically, I did not feel that I wanted to marry her, and she wanted it. I was cool with the break up for about 4 months, and then I found out she had moved on with a new guy. I went back to her but she rejected me. I was devistated, and became deeply depressed. I developed insomnia, and could not sleep for months. Some part of me felt as if I had thrown away the best thing that ever happened to me. Clearly she had some great qualities, and loved me a lot, but my gut did not feel it would work 24/7. Our 3 year relationship was only on weekends. I'm still hurting 17 months later (but less than before). Can anybody please tell me how to get over this, and if you think I truly made a mistake in breaking up with her? Thanks for your comments!

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Are you aware that your feelings changed when you found out that she was with a new guy? That as soon as you found out, you "went back to her"? Were you trying to regain her, or trying not to lose to another guy?

Tao

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Originally Posted by taoplr

Are you aware that your feelings changed when you found out that she was with a new guy? That as soon as you found out, you "went back to her"? Were you trying to regain her, or trying not to lose to another guy?

tao

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Tao, you are wise. I did go back to "NOT LOSE'" to another guy. However, I feel like she WON by moving on, and I got caught in a lot of muck. I will tell you that we dated for three years, and I left her 3-4 times over her bad treatment of me (harsh words that were not called for). I felt like I might not EVER find somebody as pretty, or with the same good qualities again. I'm afraid...

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Originally Posted by stopbanningme12

Classic case of you want something you can't have. Just going to have to let her get through her relationship now before you can ask her out again. Besides, you broke her heart, she won't take you back that easy.

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Amen to that.

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Originally Posted by help4me2200

Tao, you are wise. I did go back to "NOT LOSE'" to another guy. However, I feel like she WON by moving on, and I got caught in a lot of muck. I will tell you that we dated for three years, and I left her 3-4 times over her bad treatment of me (harsh words that were not called for). I felt like I might not EVER find somebody as pretty, or with the same good qualities again. I'm afraid...

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You win by having a happy life without her. Simple as that. Everyone felt that at one point but you ll just have to believe that you will find somebody better.

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Originally Posted by help4me2200

OK, but she always told me she really loved me. In the end, I asked her to leave and she went ballistic. I REALLY felt that I made the right decision by letting her go in that instant. Why do I still hurt??? Is the hurt a sign that I made a mistake??? Please explain to me what I am going through. By the way, I broke off several shorter relationships (1 year or so), and I never looked back. They did not hurt like this. What gives?

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DUDE!! Did you not read what I wrote! :p Silly guy, I just explained it in very scientific Psychological terms.

You feel like that because you crave that dopamine release in the brain, that she gave to you for how long? So you then associated that feeling/release of dopamine with her. Now you can't have that, so you hurt, feel suffering, fear, confusion, depression, (maybe enven as far as) empty.

If you did make a mistake,then you lost your chance to fix it, as she is with some one else and I imagine avoiding her pain, unless she simply accepted the situation and moved on. You can try to get back with her, but I can not stress enough how painful that will be for not only you but her as well. If you care for her at all, then get yourself back together. So if you made a mistake then you must learn from it, and not maybe pay more attention to how you are feeling. You sound like you could use some soul searching time, as you seem genuinly confudled about this. Which is natural, but brother take the time to sort yourself out.

Good luck.

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Originally Posted by help4me2200

Tao, you are wise. I did go back to "NOT LOSE'" to another guy. However, I feel like she WON by moving on, and I got caught in a lot of muck. I will tell you that we dated for three years, and I left her 3-4 times over her bad treatment of me (harsh words that were not called for). I felt like I might not EVER find somebody as pretty, or with the same good qualities again. I'm afraid...

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I must say I felt the same with my ex, the only women I've known that didn't go out every weekend and get wasted, she and I shared many of the same values, and enjoyed a lot of the same things. But she still was cold, harsh and rude in the most frustrating way. She was high maintinence, and so freeking beautiful, every one asked me, "Is that your Girl!!:eek:" They didn't believe me when I said she was hot. I used to get so bugged about her being so hot and I was not, but all I had to say was, "yeah, but she loves me and not you guys. I'm the one sleepin with her." haha, funny now that I think of all that.

Point is, there are many women out there, no I'm not with any, though that's not because I didn't have the option, boy was I one luckey guy, any way they are out there, but you have to find yourself before you can find your mate. Make sense?

Get girls off your mind and one day some girl with be into you, just as much as you into her. Give it time.

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Originally Posted by help4me2200

Tao, you are wise. I did go back to "NOT LOSE'" to another guy. However, I feel like she WON by moving on, and I got caught in a lot of muck. I will tell you that we dated for three years, and I left her 3-4 times over her bad treatment of me (harsh words that were not called for). I felt like I might not EVER find somebody as pretty, or with the same good qualities again. I'm afraid...

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OK, so it was "not lose" with her, not him; I was close. But you knew it wasn't 100% between you, and you can trust yourself where that part of you (the part that knows) is concerned. Where you are better off being skeptical, even challenging, is with the part of you that gets you to project
That you "might not EVER find somebody as pretty, or with the same good qualities again."

Yeah, Boye! It's a vast wasteland out there. Not a pretty girl in sight. Too bad...

Oh, wait. There are beautiful, wonderful women nearby, wanting to know and be known. If you realize that you are afraid, (Do you?) you can interrupt your internal programming long enough to transcend your fear. And go meet some.

I'd be happy to elaborate, if you find it useful.

Tao

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Originally Posted by taoplr

OK, so it was "not lose" with her, not him; I was close. But you knew it wasn't 100% between you, and you can trust yourself where that part of you (the part that knows) is concerned. Where you are better off being skeptical, even challenging, is with the part of you that gets you to project
that you "might not EVER find somebody as pretty, or with the same good qualities again."

Yeah, Boye! It's a vast wasteland out there. Not a pretty girl in sight. Too bad...

Oh, wait. There are beautiful, wonderful women nearby, wanting to know and be known. If you realize that you are afraid, (Do you?) you can interrupt your internal programming long enough to transcend your fear. And go meet some.

I'd be happy to elaborate, if you find it useful.

tao

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Thanks everybody for all of the help, it has been amazing!

OK. I understand that it is fear. I am basically a shy guy. I do not really go after girls the way I should. Anyway, what is the part of me that knows? I did have serious reservations about marrying her, and I could be in a living hell if I did it. I am just really confused as to why I experienced all of this when it was me that initiated the break up. I want to move on, but a part of me wants her back. Is that part of me that wants her back actually living a lie? or do I really doubt my decision? I did not try to go back to her until 6months after the break up. If I really loved her, do you think I would have waited so long?

Help4me2200,

Only you can know...

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Originally Posted by Nestorian

Help4me2200,

Only you can know...

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I knew clearly when we broke it that it was the right thing to do. In fact the break up was coming for months. Is it NORMAL to have doubts about it later?? especially since I did not meet anyone else yet?

As I have said, "only you can know."

In other words either you allow it to mess the rest of your life up, or, you work through it and take your life back. What's done is done, so focus on yourself and being.

These things are not said with out there being a need for them to be said, so you have to wonder, how many others have been where you are and felt like you feel. Is it normal? Depends on what you are asking when referring to normal. Normal as in, do others feel like this, do this, yes. Normal as in behavioural for you, probably not. Normal as in Normal questions, once again depends on the person.

You are like ever one else, but not every one is the same. It's OK to think these things as 've done it too, to the point of just feeling empty, I took it to the point of not normal and allowed it to take over my life. Very ill advised.

Does that help?

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Originally Posted by Nestorian

As i have said, "only you can know."

In other words either you allow it to mess the rest of your life up, or, you work through it and take your life back. Whats done is done, so focus on yourself and being.

These things are not said with out there being a need for them to be said, so you have to wonder, how many others have been where you are and felt like you feel. Is it normal? Depends on what you are asking when refering to normal. Normal as in, do others feel like this, do this, yes. Normal as in behavioural for you, probably not. Normal as in Normal questions, once again depends on the person.

You are like ever one else, but not every one is the same. It's ok to think these things as 've done it too, to the point of just feeling empty, I took it to the point of not normal and allowed it to take over my life. Very ill advised.

Does that help?

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OK. I understand. Time to move on, no more looking back. It's hard to reconcile the emotional heart and the logical brain- they sometimes do not understand each other. I know it is counter productive, and detremintal to my well being to keep looking back. What's done is done. Thanks to everybody for their inspiration and words of wisdom. May you all find true happiness! - Justin 06/08/09 :)