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Chillaxguy90 · Mar 9, 2009, 11:21 PM

About a month ago my ex-girlfriend broke up with me. While we were dating we got along great. We never had any major fights, just a few quarrels here and there. I love every minute I was with her. Even our break up went well. She told me that she didn't share the same feelings as I did, and it would be easier to break it off now than later. I agreed. Afterwards we decided to remain friends because she still wanted me in her life.

Everything was going good between us. We actually helped each other through our hard time and even mutually hung out a few times. Then a couples weeks after we broke up, she started dating a guy she works with. Because she saw me as a best friend, she told me about him. Although it pained me because I wasn't 100% over her, I accepted it and stayed happy cause she was happy. I was even supportive.

Then I met a girl and we started talking. However, I knew things would never work out between us unless I could focus on her and not be torn between her and my ex. So one day I asked my ex if we could take a break from talking. I explained to her that I met someone and I needed to focus on her, and not talking for a bit would do so. I expected her to do the same as I did with her new boyfriend, but instead she blew up on me. We got into a huge fight, which ended with her telling me she doesn't want to be friends anymore. That she never wants to speak or see me again. I asked her why she wanted that, that we stayed friends when she started dating. Her response was that we lived too far away and she just didn't have time for me anymore.

So I'm asking, is my ex just jealous cause I found someone as well? And if she is, why would she, since she already has a boyfriend and I'm just talking to someone? Or does it seem she is using me? That she is angry because she doesn't have me to go back to if her new relationship doesn't work? I hope my information was clear enough for you to answer. Thanks. -Chillaxguy90

artlady · Mar 9, 2009, 11:33 PM

I get the feeling it is the latter.She was keeping you on as plan B and now that those hopes are dashed ,she is feeling the pinch.So in essence she was indeed using your friendship to keep you tied to her.Of course this is all just speculation and she could just be feeling the pangs of jealously.

So one day I asked my ex if we could take a break from talking.

Even in the break-up you were allowing her to have the upper hand.
I think you are wise to move on as it seems she does not have your best interest at heart ,only her own agenda.

asking · Mar 9, 2009, 11:36 PM

Don't spend too much time on this. She is being unreasonable and she probably knows it as some level. It was all too good to be true. Maybe she still saw you as a back up in case things didn't go well with the new guy. You have behaved honorably throughout.

That she is angry because she doesn't have me to go back to if her new relationship doesn't work?

That, yes, and also that you are over her enough to move on with someone else. But you have done nothing wrong. It's too bad she cannot be as mature as you have been, but I think on the whole you are better off without her in your life if she is going to be this way. It sounds disappointing but healthier to have a clean break now.

starbuck8 · Mar 9, 2009, 11:43 PM

I think you know the answer to this. She wanted to show you that she could move on, but the minute you did, she felt threatened. Like the saying goes, she wanted to have her cake, and eat it too. You were still under her thumb until you met someone else, and then she had to back up and say... whoa... he can do this to me too! This isn't cool with me! She is being selfish. Let her go, and focus your attention on someone that wants to be with you, and not someone who is going to play these games with you.

talaniman · Mar 10, 2009, 11:02 AM

This was not equal, you agreed to be a friend, but when you met someone you decide to back away, for whatever reason.

Why didn't you just tell her you met someone, as she did, without slapping her in the face, by backing away? Then you would know how she really feels, and if your truly were friends.

Oh, well forget her now. Life goes on.

liz28 · Mar 10, 2009, 11:59 AM

You already knew what type of person she was and you had to be familiar with her behavior because after all you was with her.

She could've been jealous or maybe she didn't want to see you happy or she wanted to keep you as her lifeboat, etc. The list can go on and on so I wouldn't lose much sleep behind this because you owe her nothing. Sometimes you have to keep the past in the past.

Chillaxguy90 · Mar 10, 2009, 03:48 PM

Originally Posted by talaniman

This was not equal, you agreed to be a friend, but when you met someone you decide to back away, for whatever reason.

Why didn't you just tell her you met someone, as she did, without slapping her in the face, by backing away? Then you would know how she really feels, and if your truly were friends.

Oh, well forget her now. Life goes on.

I agree with you, and at the same time I don't. See, us taking a break from any contact was originally her idea. This only lasted about a day and a half before she contacted me again. This would actually continue as a pattern, cause she would realize talking to me wasn't making the break up easier for me. For some reason though she couldn't go very long without talking to me. I even offered her a break when she started dating her new boyfriend. However, as before, that didn't last very long. I realize now that I should have originally stated that in my question. I knew though that I when I started talking to someone else, that I would have to have a break from talking, one that would actually last. I just wasn't over her, and talking just kept the break up alive. I tried to explain all this to her, or at least tried. She just wouldn't listen, and to make it worse, she kept bragging about her new boyfriend and how much they care for each other.

It's just all my friends and family kept telling me I needed to stop talking to her, and I finally decided to listen to them, in the hopes of moving on.

starbuck8 · Mar 10, 2009, 05:56 PM

Your friends and family were right. It's easier to see what's going on when you are not the one in the middle of it. It's a lot easier to see when you're on the outside looking in. Your friends and family saw things that you didn't see. Be fair to your new girlfriend, and don't worry about the other girl. She has moved on, and just wants to rub it in your face. It's not worth your energy.

asking · Mar 10, 2009, 06:17 PM

I think you were right to back away when you started seeing someone new. Not only for your sake but for the new woman.

I hope this new relationship is a happy one for both of you.

talaniman · Mar 10, 2009, 08:21 PM

Thanks for clearing that up, as the added info paints a clearer picture.

Don't take this as a knock, but one thing that we see a lot of is people holding on, when they should let go, just to heal without the exes influence.

Now that you have closed that door of your life, you can see what's behind another that's opening. Good Luck, keep us updated.

Chillaxguy90 · Mar 11, 2009, 06:06 AM

Thanks everyone. I just found out some disturbing info about my ex from one of her close friends. e.g. That I was only a fling (for 5 months), that my ex has been talking to her new boyfriend longer than my she told me (possibly even while we were still dating), and my ex only had sex with me cause she felt bad that I was a virgin.

I'm not sure how much of this I can believe, cause after all it is my ex's friend. However, instead of turning me against my ex, wouldn't it be the other way around? Either way I know I'm not going to get answers because for one, we aren't talking anymore, and two, I'm sure if any of it were true she would lie about it.

I don't see her the same way as I did before, it's like she is a completely different person now. I'm just not sure if my new found anger will make it easier to forget her or harder.

Plus, I'm already having problems with this new girl I'm talking to. It's nothing between us personally, it's actually an outside force. To prevent myself from getting to long here, I'll just describe this issue on another thread. Life just can't be easy can it?

rabbit13 · Dec 3, 2011, 12:15 AM

The same happened to me, my girlfriend dumped me after meeting someone new and I tried to do the grown up thing and remain friends, even if I killed me every time we would meet and she told me about him. Not easy when you love someone seeing them in the honeymoon stage of a new relationship all loved up with someone else, but I tried this pretense for 3 months till I met someone new and told my ex about her. To my amazment you would think I had just dumped her,texts phone calls telling me how she still had feelings for me and even though she was happy with her new guy she was jealous. I realize now she was only using me as backup is case things didn't work out with him, how can people be that sick to use someone who loves you like a spare part