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450donn · Oct 2, 2008, 08:53 AM

I really think you have gotten some really poor responses to your question. There is something in her past or something physical with her body. I tend to think the former. If she had some sort of trauma in her past that is associated with her sexuality that could cause all sorts of problems. She needs some counselling to understand what the problems are. Preferably before marriage. Also she needs to see a good doctor to be sure that there is not any physical problems preventing her from enjoying the sexual experience.

kochi · Oct 2, 2008, 08:56 AM

I really appreciate all your time and effort with this.

Here is my idea.
Sex is basically the only issue we have to be honest, as big as it is and as much as its effecting us in other ways. And I have tried different things to see if they have an impact. Thinking that maybe she's not in the mood because she is stressed about work, or the house , etc.

And the thing is yes, her x's have left because of sex, but I am not going to. I hope you can understand that. Its just a decision I have made, right or wrong.

For this reason. She can leave. IF she decides that she can not make it work, that's fine.

whatever I do or not, its still going to be about sex which is going to bring about tension. I think I am just trying to hard you know, making it my problem when it is not. I have tried to do what I can to make it work. So I am just not going to try anything. Minimal effort. Passive aggressive. I am not going to discuss anything, we are not going to talk about anything. Its about what you do, not say.

We can not keep doing what we are doing because its obviously not going to work. So the idea is that I am going to remove sex (for a while) from the equation. So I will refuse to have sex which will obviously create issues, because "why don't you want sex." If I do explain the reasons then its going to be the same ol story as before. Im not going to make her do anything because she has to see that there is a problem. So I am just not going to try, not discussing it, not being angry or upset. Its dropped.

She has to figure out how to deal with this issue. If she needs my help I am here to do whatever I can. Counseling anything she needs me to do. If nothing that's fine to. IF she doesn't want to deal with it fine. As far as sex is concerned, I am not doing what we have been doing because its not helping.

kochi · Oct 2, 2008, 09:24 AM

Well she went to see a doctor and apparently she is super sensitive and it make it hurt to the touch.
2) In her past sex has always been and issue with all her boyfriends so she has a problem with it.
3) she has problems with her body etc. She is not even able to sit in bed naked for 3mins.
4) every time we are about to have sex you can just see the stress on her.

450donn · Oct 2, 2008, 02:58 PM

That is so sad. A person with inibitions about their body are in real trouble without help. The best thing you could do for her is to try and convince her to go see a good counsellor. Then she should ask her gynocologist about medications to reduce the sensitivity. And it might ultimately take a sex theropest to help her through these issues.

Revival · Oct 2, 2008, 06:31 PM

If you ask me something happened when she was younger in order to A) affect her self esteem in such a manner, B) create such sensitive sensations down there.

You can always take the first step in kind of nudging her into being open with you. But you can't be incredibly direct about it. If you were to ask my opinion, something on a very physical, and violent manner happened to you're would be faince when she was younger that has completely totalled her brain around the idea of sex. Phantom pain, for example maybe the reason she's also so stressed, and sore whenever it comes down to the intercoarse, or any form of touching. Every so often, make references to how you two want to spend your whole life together, secrets are something a healthy marriage can't go with. I agree with 450 and synn in that she's hiding something traumatic. You yourself can talk to a counselor, or a therapist to see what it is you can do to kind of help her out in this situation, make you more better prepaired.

kochi · Oct 3, 2008, 09:24 AM

Yeah I know that for sure as we have talked about it. She doesn't feel anything, it hurts a lot etc.

I have been dealing with this for a while and I made it clear to her that I was not going to give in or anything. We had a talk/fight about it and I explained to her that she needed to understand that I was dealing with this too and that it effects me. I made it clear to her that we not her are dealing with this.. Doesn't mean I'm leaving etc.

I mean how does it feelt that every time you want to or are having sex with your girlfriend its you feel horrible. IF we are going to make it she has to be able to trust me and let her guard down.

Even talking about it is an issue but we are and that is my goal as well to talk about it with fighting or being afraid to end the relationship.

Its really really really hard sometimes.

Revival · Oct 5, 2008, 12:28 PM

Oh relationships... what would life be without them.

Alty · Oct 5, 2008, 01:02 PM

Kochi, I was molested as a child and raped as a teen, so I understand a bit of what other people are saying might be the problem in your girlfriends case.

It is very possible that she was molested or raped, have you asked her about this? It's also possible that there is a medical condition, she needs to see a specialist in order to make sure that there isn't anything physically wrong with her.

I myself went the opposite way she is going. I was extremely promiscuous because I no longer cared about myself. Better to give sex then to have it forced on you, that was the way I lived my life.

Along came my husband and all that changed. Not overnight, in fact, I tried everything in my power to push him away. I didn't feel that I deserved love and understanding, I couldn't accept that he wasn't only after one thing. He didn't budge, stood by my side, and eventually I realized that I did deserve to be happy. We've been together for 18 years.

Seems to me that your girlfriend is dealing with some issue from her past, that she isn't comfortable with anyone touching her. She needs professional help, help that you cannot give her no matter how patient and understanding you are.

I could be totally wrong, and if I am then you really need to realize that you are setting yourself up for a sexless marriage. If you can live with that then fine, but the fact that your wrote on this site leads me to believe that this isn't something you can live with, no matter how much you want to believe that you can.

Good luck.

ordinaryguy · Oct 5, 2008, 01:10 PM

Originally Posted by kochi

I have been dealing with this for a while and I made it clear to her that I was not going to give in or anything.

What do you mean, "give in"? Does that mean break up with her, or does it mean resign yourself to a sexless, emotionally barren relationship?

We had a talk/fight about it and I explained to her that she needed to understand that I was dealing with this too and that it effects me. I made it clear to her that we not her are dealing with this..

No, "we" are not dealing with this, you are dealing with it, and she is hiding from it instead of dealing with it.

Doesn't mean I'm leaving etc.

I mean how does it feelt that every time you want to or are having sex with your girlfriend its you feel horrible. IF we are going to make it she has to be able to trust me and let her guard down.

Even talking about it is an issue but we are and that is my goal as well to talk about it with fighting or being afraid to end the relationship.

Its really really really hard sometimes.

Don't be a hero, man. You can't force her to confront her demons by refusing to leave no matter how much hell she puts you through. You need to ask yourself what you are getting out of this, that keeps you banging your head against the brick wall she's got around herself. I seriously doubt that your approach will ever convince her to dismantle it.

kochi · Oct 7, 2008, 10:51 AM

YOu guys are totally right, when I mean not giving in, i.e. not giving up or running away like all her x's did. I made a decision that I wanted to be with her cause there are a lot of great things besides sex as well.

She realises that she can not be in a relationship and not have sex regardless of who she is with. I have been chipping away and she has made efforts. She recently told me that she had (after going to the gyno) Vulvodynia. It is really painful to the touch and that is why she "dreads" having sex or doing anything relating to sex like kissing etc.

She says she doesn't mind having sex 2-4times a week but obviously that is just going to irritate the issue over time. She was not molested or anything, she's just had a lot of female problems (connstant perioids) etc. SO there are issues, but it makes it tough when I don't understand what is going on and only hear it from the outside looking in.

I told her that I would like to go do the doc and see if we can get some help on how to deal with this whatever the professinals decide.

I hope that we can find a long term solution together. I am aware that it will be difficult and I will not have a normal sex but maybe we can find a solution.

unknown 19 · Oct 9, 2008, 07:50 AM

I have a sexless relationship and I have been with my boyfriend for two years. I was abused when was younger so I am scared. I'm not saying your partner was abused but maybe there is a reson why that she is not telling you. I am only saying this because my partner don't know why I want have sex with him