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alittlesunshine · Apr 3, 2008, 03:09 AM

Let me start by telling it from the start. I went out with this divorcée whom I meet online. He has been divorced for about 1 year. We both liked each other right from the start and started dating seriously 2-3 months ago. I did tell him earlier on that Im looking for serious relationship only.

He dropped a bombshell one day by telling me that he treats our relationship as casual relationship first and see how it goes from there. He seems to be afraid of being committed. I tried to break up with him twice as I feel insecure about the whole thing.

I've broken up with him last 2 weeks ago but still miss him a lot. I sms him to ask if he still got any luv/feelings for me, he says got feelings initially but now dun know. I miss him so much until I ask him if we can have another try if he really have feelings. He says dun want me to hurt more deeply if I continue on with him.

Since then, I've been trying to forget him but I still care a lot about him. His marriage lasted for 12 yrs of which 5-6 last years turned bad. Do u think 1 yr is sufficient to recover? Should I try to get back to him again? If I let it be, do you think there is a chance he will come back to me after he recovers.. given some time?

What should I really do? I'm kind of depressed now.. Please help...

450donn · Apr 3, 2008, 01:04 PM

First off, just because he is divorced does not make him any different then when he was married. Why did he divorce? If he is interested only in a casual relationship, I personally would not recommend spending any more time with him. If he wants to get serious and wants to get serious with you, he will call and try to make it work.

N0help4u · Apr 3, 2008, 06:06 PM

He could just feel like you are putting the cart before the horse saying you want a serious relationship before he knows you well enough to feel comfortable that he could see himself with you in a serious relationship. I can understand you want a serious relationship but at this point in time he is probably seeing that as a ball and chain with somebody he has hardly had a chance to really get to know.

alittlesunshine · Apr 3, 2008, 09:57 PM

Thanks for replies. I understand where you guys are coming from but the thing is that he doesn't even want to declare me as his girlfriend even though we've shared the same bed already. That is really hurtful. I feel kind of cheated & insecure because that is not what I wanted.

He did took me to meet his mum and family though. I really dun get it... why can't he want a b/g relationship since we already started? Does it mean he wan to consider other choices?

How do I go from here? I keep thinking of him non-stop...

alittlesunshine · Apr 3, 2008, 10:01 PM

And its not like I'm asking for a big commitment from him. I want the assurance that we are in a healthy couple relationship and he really cares/luv me. So far, he has shown care, but nothing more, not even a girlfriend status.. which makes me wonder if he really do...

N0help4u · Apr 5, 2008, 09:17 AM

Basically my rule of thumb is just be friends, enjoy each others company, go with the flow
BUT once they want sex then I want to know EXACTLY where they see the relationship going, the bf/gf status and the whole 9 yards.

familyman20 · Apr 15, 2008, 07:40 PM

Divorces are overwhelmingly tough on any gender. Some people hop right back into serious relationships because they still want/need that connection, and/or have a fear being alone.
Others need lots of time to heal and can't even fathom getting serious. The last thing a divorcée needs to think about is the possibility of going through the hell of a divorce again in this lifetime or the next. I think the one you are with now is actually being honest with you and is doing the right think by taking it slow. The divorce rate for second marriages is higher than the 50% divorce rate for first marriages. Again, my thoughts are that this is a result of people not taking their time to really know someone.

Do yourself a favor and go slooowwww. Have fun with this one and GET TO KNOW one another. Don't push for anything beyond this stage. If the chemistry is there you won't even need to think about where you are in the relationship. If you can always be in the "let's really enjoy each other's company stage", you will be one of the lucky ones.

This is all just a long winded way of saying that divorcées have been through a tough, and at times traumatic, period in their life. Try to understand where they are in the healing process and then give them a little slack. If you show this person you really care, and just spend stress-free time together for now, you will more than likely wind up with everything you could have hoped for in this relationship.

Best wishes and good luck!