[Kitsune3]

Hello!
I have a problem with my relationship and it is tearing me apart. I have been trying for a long time to analyze it rationally but I feel that I need help from an expert.

My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 months, we are both 22 years old. He has been under a lot of stress with his job, family and friends. I have been supportive and caring. In July he got even an erectile dysfunction and lost appetite for sex so we have had sex for three times since. This shows that his stress is really bad. I have taken any pressure off him, thinking that he will get intimate again when he is ready. He has an appointment scheduled with a psychologist in November. I don't think that he has depression yet, because I study psychology at university and have personally had this disease before, but of course I am not sure, so I hope that a psychologist will suggest him going to psychiatrist if (s)he will think he might have it.

But there has been an issue for me I cannot put my mind at ease with. Right from the start he has been rather reserved and not passionate, although we have talked about our lives a lot. He would kiss me only when we met and said goodbye. He wanted to take things slow right from the start, he wasn't sure about relationship. I gave him the time he needed and we ended up together. Now, after 5 months I finally asked him, what he felt for me and told him that for me to feel secure in a relationship, I need to know where we stand. We didn't have a fight, we discussed it for an hour, because I figured it was best being honest. During this hour he told me he didn't know what he felt towards me and it was complicated for him to open up about feelings. I asked him to think about it. Then we had this conversation again in a week. I told him about my fears about our relationship and that we have different personalities and commitment styles. I told him I would try to cope with our differences but I didn't know how long I could do that. He was very understanding and told me he understood well that I wanted him to communicate his feelings and he would try to do that, so I could help him with that. I agreed and was happy.

A week after that he sent me text message that said "I still don't know what I feel towards you, but I am happy with you and I hope it will suffice in the mean time". I was heartbroken, because I have always had a fear of one-sided love and right now I feel like I am the only one in love. And I am not sure I can continue in this relationship, as I can't know for sure, if he'll ever love me. I have thoughts that if he really liked me, he would have known by now how he feels. I don't believe in everlasting love and we want different things in the future, so we don't have all the time in the world. He trusts me a lot and tells me about himself, he just doesn't know about his feelings towards me. We are very honest.

Right now I'm thinking that I cannot be in a relationship, where my boyfriend acts just like a friend: he likes me and spends some time with me, but that's it (doesn't show his affection physically or verbally). I can feel that my need for more intimacy is not the same with him. But because he is under a lot of stress I can't even see a possibility to take a break or end a relationship without his stress getting worse.

What do You think? (Thank you for responding.)

[smoothy]

If you even have to think about this only 5 months into a relationship... the answer is going to be... run for the hills. At this point everyone is still on their best behaviour so its only going to get a lot worse a few years down the road when everyone has gone to the " The hell with it I'm doing what I want" stage.

[talaniman]

If you cannot see this isn't working for you and staying with him to save him stress, then you are in this for the wrong reason anyway. I doubt he changes, no matter how you help him and so far, you haven't helped him at all.

It's not your job to fix or change him anyway. You sure aren't his nursemaid or doctor. If you were really honest you would tell him the truth, he isn't the boyfriend you want, and just be friends.

You will hate him and yourself for wasting time on a romance with him since there is none.

[Oliver2011]

"I don't believe in everlasting love and we want different things in the future, so we don't have all the time in the world."

You planned not being with him anyway, so why not not be with him?

I do have to say approaching a relationship with a negative spin on everlasting love may not be the best for said relationship. I do believe in it.