[disor25]

I am not married, but I was in a very serious relationship for almost a decade. It started when I was about 17 and though we aren't married, we practically were and had decided that we would formally get married one day. We used to fight a lot but ultimately we both loved one another and I felt my boyfriend was very devoted and a good person.
I started feeling differently some time ago and wanted to leave my boyfriend. I realized that we had both changed quite a bit and the commitments we had made didn't really hold true anymore and I just didn't love him anymore. I made my decision to leave him after I realized that I could may be interested in others. I explored a new relationship but kept it a secret because my boyfriend was still hung up on me and wouldn't let me go. We would fight and fight and he would tell me I was wrong for breaking all my promises made to him and that I am responsible for being with him. I fell in love with someone else throughout all this which made me realize I could not be with my ex-bf at all, but he was still completely in love with me. He can't fathom the idea of being with anyone else and told me that I have to be with him. Eventually I broke off the other relationship because I realized my ex would never understand and not let me go, and that I had to clear things out completely with him first.
Now I am not in a relationship, but my ex-bf found out about my other relationship and says I cheated, which is why our relationship ended. He says I have to be with him or he will make my life miserable because I ruined his life. He says he can't live without me and he can't ever be with anyone else. He won't let me be alone and says we have to make things work and that becaues I committed myself ot him for so many years and led him on, I have to make it work. My heart doesn't love him and I don't know what to do. I am completely turned off from relationships in general and I definitely don't want to be in one with my ex-bf. If I tell him I can't be with him, he will tell everyone about my other relationship which would devastate a lot of people and ruin a lot for me. He says that we were practically married and that I can't just give that up. I want to explore love again one day but I don't think my ex-bf will ever let that happen and I am afraid I'm going to end up having to be with him because I made promises to him and because we were in a relationship for so many years.

What can be done?

[imcurious7]

Tell him off.. He can't control your life.. and that if he really loved you he'd let you go because that would make you happy.. &nd if he really loved you your happiness would be all that means to him.. &nd if he won't let you go ask for your family get a restraining order.. &nd if he wants to tell all the stories.. Everyone will still love you no matter what you did in the past.

[simoneaugie]

You can't worry that other people will have opinions about your behavior. You are not responsible for their feelings. You are responsible for your own feelings.

Your ex boyfriend has a lot invested in your relationship with him. He has expectations and is being controlling and manipulative. That's all his stuff. Deal with your own stuff.

Tell the other people what happened, in your own words. If they are true friends and family members they will listen to you and accept where you are now.

No contact with your ex might be the way to go.

[Cat1864]

You can't live forever with the past hanging over your head. If you gave in and stayed with him then he would use his "leverage" to "force" you to do whatever he wants from here on out. That is not a healthy way to live.

I agree tell friends and family your side of events and move on. Deal with the fallout as it happens.

It might surprise you to find out how many already know or are understanding and realize that your ex (I guess others know he is an ex not a current?) has his own problems to deal with.

The stickies at the top of this forum might help with some of your concerns especially No Contact (NC).

[jham123]

You two are not married. You didn't say if you had any kids with him...

... if not and you are not happy with him... cut off all contact and walk away. You are not obligated to him for things you said when you were a child.

10 years... if He wanted you he would have found a way to put a ring on your finger by now.

Walk away and realize you have started to morph into a woman that knows better what she really wants. When you turn 30 you may be ready to entertain the thought of marriage again.

I say 30 only because you need a couple of years to heal yourself and become a whole person... which means you get your own place and you pay for it all on your own... learn to stand alone as person...

[Jake2008]

It would be a shame to waste your life on living it for somebody else's needs, which is what you are facing.

His needs would be met by having you to himself, not yours. His idea of what a relationship should be like would involve moulding you into a person that you aren't, again his needs are met, not yours.

Unless you are willing to settle for losing yourself to someone else, then you must stand on your own to feet, and get this guy out of your life.

Don't answer his phone calls, block his number. Don't respond to email, and delete him as a contact in any other applications you communicate with. Let him go, and make it clear. The longer you stay in communcation with him, the more he is going to think that you will go back to him.

End it once and for all. It's over.