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viggs20 · May 13, 2012, 07:50 AM

Hey, I'm a 29 year old guy in a relationship of 2 years with my girlfriend who is 23. We've had a happy, compatible relationship and both of love each other deeply. The issue is that I'm at that age where I need to know where the relationship is going. My girlfriend is young and hasn't thought of the future and is actually scared about the whole marriage thing. Its almost like a phobia. While I understand that she is young and needs time which I'm willing to give provided that she agrees to a commitment. I've suggested that we can get engaged after a year and then wait till she is ready for marriage. But she is not willing to do that. Now she says that she wants space and needs to be alone for a while. What should I do ? I really miss her a lot and can't help calling & texting her but she refuses to meet me. Is she over me ? She keeps saying she loves me but can't fix this problem and doesn't know what to do about us.

DoulaLC · May 13, 2012, 08:02 AM

She's not at the same stage as you are, and is likely running scared. She may love you dearly on one hand, but is not ready to make that decision that you are "it" and be ready to make a formal commitment.

All you can really do is give her that space and time. Let her be alone with her thoughts. She may discuss things with a good friend or with a family member.

Acknowledge that you realize she is not ready to make that sort of commitment at this point and then don't bring it up anymore in hopes of swaying her mind. She knows how you feel, and what you would like for the relationship, so now let her think about what she wants.

She may end up just needing more time of dating and having fun together before her feelings change to something more serious... or she may decide the relationship is great fun, but she doesn't see it being lifelong. Time will tell.

viggs20 · May 13, 2012, 08:18 AM

That's the thing... I understand she needs time. And she is freaked out about the life-long commitment. So I told her to forget about the future for now because I miss her terribly and can't be apart. But she feels that it won't help and the issue needs to be resolved. I just keep fearing that she is getting over me and doesn't want to change her position no matter whatever I suggest doing.

DoulaLC · May 13, 2012, 08:25 AM

Unfortunately you can't really do anything but wait. Difficult to be sure, but she has to decide what she is ready for. Try to keep yourself busy with other things... work, friends, family.

talaniman · May 13, 2012, 06:53 PM

Sorry guy but giving her space means leave her alone to decide what she wants without your influence. You would do well for yourself to do just that.

cain1 · May 17, 2012, 12:39 AM

I'm going through the same thing but I'm not pushing marriage. She brought it up and I agreed now she wants to take 10 steps back and learn to stand on her own because her son doesn't want her to have a boyfriend. It's driven me nuts and she has only text me 6 times since Saturday and that was just to confirm she wasn't getting back with her ex for the kid. Which is what he is up to because she use to support him and the girl he just left told him she couldn't support him when they get married ( they were engaged) so now he is acting like he cares about the kids all the sudden. Man it sucks, I texted her prob 40 times since Saturday and only got 6 text back that were short and vague. All I can do us wait but if I haven't heard anything from her by the end of June I have to assume she either has issues or she just doesn't trust a relationship after telling me she wants me to move in. I've been with her since the first day of jan . New years! I took her in like a wounded animal because she was going through an abusive divorce. Now next week it will be over and she needs some time. I can't figure it out but have decided as of today to not even make contact anymore but I won't wait indefinitely.

DoulaLC · May 17, 2012, 01:50 PM

Originally Posted by cain1

I took her in like a wounded animal because she was going through an abusive divorce. Now next week it will be over and she needs some time. I can't figure it out but have decided as of today to not even make contact anymore but I won't wait indefinitely.

She wasn't ready to get involved in a new relationship. You said it all with the comment that you "took her in like a wounded animal". That is basically what she was. She leaned on you for support and no doubt developed feelings for you as well, but now needs time to rethink where she wants her life to go, including any relationships.

viggs20 · May 30, 2012, 12:31 PM

Hey, so my girlfriend decided that she can't do the relationship thing anymore and basically wants to be alone. We were together for almost 2 years and she was scared of commitment. I love her and want her back but I know I must respect her decision. Well... I've paid her phone bills a few times when she would be short on money and she owes me about 6000 bucks which I never asked while we were dating. But now that she doesn't want to be with me... should I ask for it or is that too petty.

Alty · May 30, 2012, 12:33 PM

You can ask, but if she says no, there's not much you can do about it. You said it yourself, while you were dating you were fine spending the money on her. Now that you're not, you want it back. This wasn't a loan, this was a gift. If she agrees to give back the money, then fine. If not, count it as a lesson learned.

talaniman · May 30, 2012, 09:24 PM

Chalk it up to experience, unless you want to make this a big mess. Unless you have something concrete that can stand up in court, forget it and avoid the useless argument over it.