[baller19]

I have been dating this girl for about 2 months after being just friends for 9 months. As friends we spent a lot of time with each other, I was teaching her how to drive and she was helping me with my separation from a 10 year marriage. We had developed an attraction to each other and spent every weekend together. When we first met, her ex boyfriend just dumped her and she was trying to get him back. I asked her if she was over him, and she told me she no. But, we eventually started dating each other anyway. I know, 2 months is a short time, but we really started to care about each other very much. Everything was great until 4 weeks ago he called her and said he'd changed and wants her back. Then one day after a great day trip with her and her daughter, her ex showed up at her house (by the way he is the landlord) and waited for me to leave at midnight and had a conversation with her. So, the next day, she told me she still had feelings for her ex and wanted to try one more time so she can be sure and not wonder what could have been 5 years down the road (her words) and then said she needed space to think. She had told me before that she had known her ex for many years, but that they had broken up many times. She thought she was over him, but I guess not. So, after seeing her ex at her home, the next day, she told me she was very confused and upset, that she didn't want me to continue giving her attention when she knew she still had feelings for him. She says she still loves me, but that she can't watch me hang on until she figures out if what she wants. She told me that she would always have feelings for her ex. She had pushed me completely out of her life, but still says she doesn't know if she is going back with him or not. She says she selfish and doesn't want to let me go. I am so confused about this. I want her back. What should I do? I am trying to move on, but it's so hard. Do I give her time or just forget her?

[genericreader]

Do I give her time or just forget her?

I don't think you need to choose one or the other. You do need to respect her wishes, though, and let her pursue a relationship that she has made clear means a lot to her. With kids involved, it gets more tricky and I think it's even more important to maintain clear boundaries even if only for their sake. I get the sense that these are not adult children you are talking about, hence that note of caution.

So what should you do?

You should take care of yourself and move on. Moving on doesn't mean forgetting her, it means getting back to doing the things you used to do, and finding time for things that are important to you. For instance, what are your hobbies? When was the last time you spent some time with your guy friends? Or taking a class in something you've always wanted to learn? Or learning a new skill or a new sport?

Focus on building up who you are and if she comes back at some point and you're single, that's great. If not, it wasn't meant to be. Some times these things work themselves out.

Best of luck to you.

[adviceishere]

She may not mean it but she's giving you false hope, she's telling you to leave her alone but yet saying she can't let you go? I'm even confused by this, well I would just act single, no contact and move on, or tell her you also need time to sort your head out, head in opposite directions and go about your own business. Always remember.. something that's meant to be, will never pass you by. If your meant to be together your paths WILL cross again :)

[talaniman]

When we first met, her ex boyfriend just dumped her and she was trying to get him back. I asked her if she was over him, and she told me she no. But, we eventually started dating each other anyway. I know, 2 months is a short time, but we really started to care about each other very much.

My man, you had all the facts you needed to make a good decision, but you let your feelings get in the way, and ran head first into a brick wall.

Talaniman Rule- Never ever mess with any one who has just dumped their partner

Talaniman Rule- Stay away from any one that has an ex involved in their lives.

Talaniman Rule - Never ever get to close to a person that has a committed partner in their lives.

Talaniman Rule-When they ask for a break, give it to them and do your own thing.

Talaniman Rule- When they need space, give it to them, and disappear from their lives. This allows you to heal.

Talaniman Rule- Never run head first into the unknown, there may be a brick wall behind the curtain.

Talaniman Rule- Never run full speed, head first, into a brick wall, go slowly and see if their is a door, ladder or rope, to get thru, or over it.

Talaniman Rule #2- Never doubt your head, is not as hard as that brick wall.

What should you do now??

Leave her alone, and heal from your 10 year relationship without her.

Quote by genericreader,
You should take care of yourself and move on. Moving on doesn't mean forgetting her, it means getting back to doing the things you used to do, and finding time for things that are important to you. For instance, what are your hobbies? When was the last time you spent some time with your guy friends? Or taking a class in something you've always wanted to learn? Or learning a new skill or a new sport?

Focus on building up who you are and if she comes back at some point and you're single, that's great. If not, it wasn't meant to be. Some times these things work themselves out.

Very sound advice. Follow it, and sorry you had to go through this, many of us in weak moments make mistakes like this.

[baller19]

I'm stunned only because, if there were 40 hours in a week, I was with her for 38 of them for the last 9 months. To me, it would stand to reason that all of the activities and fun we were having would be missed. I haven't spoken to her in a week and I can't seem to fill the space of all of the things we used to do together. Now if I miss it, wouldn't she? She calls me from an unknown number and asks if she can come and give back the money she borrowed and in turn wants me to fix something I broke. If you ask for space why are you calling me for this? What do you think?

[mmresd]

These girl clearly doesn't know what she wants. Personally, I like girls who have an objective in mind instead of ones that are going to beat around the bush for a long period giving you hope that something may happen between you two in the future. Yes, it is hard to let someone go especially because you get accustomed to someone when you spend a lot of time with them over a long period. But, you have to let go and let her do her thing. Don't wait for her and start looking for someone that actually wants to be with you so you are not stuck in a forever lasting lingo of whether she is going to come around to her senses and choose to be with you. Her choice seems pretty clear, while she might appreciate your company and wants you to hang around she knows that keeping you like that is simply mental torture, she has chosen him over you. So save yourself the pain of seeing her with another man while you still have feelings for her, and please don't be silly enough to try to be her friend while hoping to get back together one day because that is extremely exhausting and time consuming. Do your own thing, and let go no matter how hard it is, because over time it will become easier. The sooner you start the sooner you will heal.

Good luck,

Javi

[talaniman]

I'm stunned only because, if there were 40 hours in a week, I was with her for 38 of them for the last 9 months.

People often throw themselves into one another during hard times or great need. She NEEDED a great diversion from her break up, and you gave it to her. Like coming upon a cool lake, after wandering the desert. You are grateful, and just jump in and enjoy the euphoria. You both had a great NEED.

To me, it would stand to reason that all of the activities, and fun we were having would be missed.

Oh trust me, they were indeed, fun and happy times for her, but those two have unfinished business. So she let you go. Despite the fun you shared though, she also had other things on her mind that was triggered by him re entering her life.

I haven't spoken to her in a week and I can't seem to fill the space of all of the things we used to do together. Now if I miss it, wouldn't she?

Normal for attachments to be made after a short period of mutual enjoyment. She felt the same, I believe, but fair warning in the future,

Talaniman Rules-Never assume that your feelings are shared by any one else.

She calls me from an unknown number and asks if she can come and give back the money she borrowed and in turn wants me to fix something I broke.

Her way of keeping you in the picture?? Or staying in the front of her mind?

If you ask for space why are you calling me for this? What do you think?

She may be giving this guy a chance, she does have kids, and history, and she still wants you to be available as a safe secure place to bail, as is often the case. That's why its very important to recognize when two wounded people get together to help each other heal, they may not feel the same after they start feeling better.

You both had NEEDS and were hurting, and you sir are going through withdrawal pains. Your feelings are normal, so don't deny them, just cope with them doing what the other posters suggested, STAYING BUSY, and basically away from her. She is a stranger still, even though you are very attracted to each other,

Talaniman Rule-Never follow your heart when it’s so broken, it makes the brain feel like mush

Talaniman Rule- never be in a hurry to give your heart to a stranger. Wait until they have proven they deserve it, and know what to do with it.

Talaniman Rule- Doesn't matter how intense the feelings, or how much fun you have, never give your heart to someone you don't know well, and that’s only after the lust has worn off for you both.

So don't be confused, and assume or presume what her motives or thinking is, and don't let it distract you from taking care of yourself. Your healing has to be the first priority no matter what hers are. That's the bottom line. And lets be real, you both got carried away by your own individual needs and wants and it didn't work the way you thought. Next time keep yourself an emotional safe distance until you know what you are dealing with.

Talaniman Rule- leave girls with boyfriends alone, and don't hold your breathe waiting for them to fail.

Talaniman Rule- If one person isn't available, there are millions that are. Don't get stuck on one who is BUSY with other things.

Talaniman Rule- Get your own partner and leave the other peoples partners alone.

Talaniman Rule - Don't miss other opportunities and options because your stuck on someone who is not as stuck on you, that’s just plain crazy.

Talaniman Rule- Don't play games with your heart, and don't let somebody else play games with it either.

Talaniman Rule- Don't get sucked in the confusion of being friends, at the expense of your healing

Talaniman Rule- Don't play games with your heart, and don't let somebody else play games with it either.

Talaniman Rule- Don't get sucked in the confusion of being friends, at the expense of your healing

Talaniman Rule- Give yourself 6 months of dating and getting to know someone, before you decide together to be DATING EXCLUSIVELY, and having fun getting to know each other.

[baller19]

I have a new development, I've adhering to the NC rules, however because we work together contact has become necessary for work. I've noticed that she will contact me on the guise of work related issues but turns it into her doing something for me. For instance, she calls about toner and then tells me she cooked dinner last night and brought me some. She says she wanted to call me this weekend but didn't want to bother me and said she wanted to buy me something that was "so me". The whole time I DO NOT MAKE CONTACT. What is she trying to do here?

[talaniman]

She is just staying on your good side in case she gets unconfused, and finishes with her personal business. Bet if you ask her, she would say she was just being friendly. Don't ask, and don't ponder, just say thank you. Brief, polite, but emotionally unavailable.

That's the best way to keep your mouth shut, and your eyes open. That's how you get facts, and not assume, presume, or wonder what she"s up to.