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missinher · Aug 23, 2010, 03:05 PM

My girlfriend and I have been together nearly a year, she went out on the weekend and her ex happened to be at the same party, nothing happened between them but something was set off inside her. She came home that night and was in a great mood until he called at 4am yelling and abusing her for leaving him behind at the party, she defended herself by saying "I wasnt there with you, i saw you there, why arent you calling your mates and yelling at them" she then went silent as his ranting continued. She got off the phone and I could tell something was wrong, she was extremely upset and then broke down to me and said "babe I love you sooo much, but i still have feelings for him also and I dont know what to do." We talked about it for awhile then got sleepy so we said we would try to sleep and talk about it tomorrow. She was meant to be here until 2pm Sunday but upon waking up she said she wanted to leave at 11 to see her friend. Before leaving she cuddled me and cried her eyes out for what seemed like eternity, then she kissed me very passionately and said "I DO LOVE YOU!!" Upon dropping her at her friends she looked me in the eyes and said "I LOVE YOU, I WANT TO SORT THIS OUT FOR US" Not long after she texted me saying "Babe when I say I love you i mean it, i dont want you to doubt my love for you, i will call you later and we will talk." She did call me later but only to say that she called her ex and they were going to talk about things (he has been in a relationship for 9 months, and my girlfriend and I could not be open about our relationship because there is a substantial age gap and it worried her, although she did say it wouldn't worry her by years end, and we would always count down to that date together). Anyway she went and saw him and they talked for hours, when she got home she called me and was silent on the phone, I asked her how it went and she said "babe i lvoe you but this is gonna hurt you" I told her just to let me have it. She said that whilst talking to her ex he kissed her and she kissed back and she hates herself for it. She then said that she needs space and if somebody comes into my life in that time to go for it because I deserve true happiness. She said she wishes she could be with me right now because I do make her so happy and I am an amazing person, but that she needs time to clear her head. She told me she loves me but has feelings for him and it is unfair to be with me when she is confused.

This all occurred on Sunday night and it is now Tuesday morning. We used to talk every morning and every night but I have not heard from her. I want to give her the space, but at what point do I make contact, I really love her and I was so happy in the relationship. I heard from a mutual friend that she has been really upset since everything that happened on Sunday. Do I call? Do I text and ask how she is? Or do I leave her to sort her head and contact me. Part of me says If she truelly does love me, then giving her a chance to miss me will make her realise that.

As we led a very discreet relationship only her closest friends knew, not even her parents knew about us, but she had talked recently about wanting to tell them but she was scared about how they would take it. She has a very close relationship with them and did not want to break that apart, I tolf her that when she was ready she could tell them and until such time I wouldn't push it, she said to me "I just wanna be with you for everyone to see NOW, i dont want to have to wait" do you think maybe the worry about her parents has forced her to try to end this? Maybe she thinks if she ends it then she never has to tell them?

I am really confused and really, really missing her. I am trying to keep myself ultra busy but it is sooo hard, I just want to call her and be there, but maybe by not calling I am also being there because I am giving her the space she needs.

Sorry about the massive question, but hopefully someone out there can help me

TheThinker · Aug 23, 2010, 03:32 PM

First off, I'm sorry to hear about that. I've found from personal experiences ex's (even past flings) can bring out holes in a relationship. Our minds have a way of erasing the bad moments in our past relationships and magnifying the good moments.

And I think I know how you're feeling. You want to be there for her, reassure her that they broke up for a reason and you're there for her. But no matter how much you tell her that, she needs to figure that out for herself. I'm in a somewhat similar situation right now, and I've realized my girlfriend needs to figure things out on her own. Trying to be there for her before she's ready will cause her to push you away.

I think you're doing the right thing, as hard as it may be. She will contact you if she wants to be with you. If you need to convince her you're the right choice then maybe she shouldn't be in a relationship with you. Its hard to come to that realization, but if she feels as strongly about your relationship as you do, she'll realize what she's missing without you.

So give her space and let her come back to you. If that happens, you can resume the relationship on your own terms.

CarrotTalker · Aug 23, 2010, 04:03 PM

What are your respective ages?

I'm not in the most creative writing mood today, so I'll put this bluntly.

I think she's full of crap. She could have chosen not to communicate any further with this ex, instead she intentionally sought him out and "hung out". What's to "talk about things" with her ex? Sounds like BS to me! She shouldn't have any thing to talk about with him. Especially when she is with you and claiming to "love" you.

Sorry, this girl doesn't understand what that word means and is simply using you in her set of boyfriends.

talaniman · Aug 23, 2010, 04:25 PM

she loves me but has feelings for him

That's enough for you to bow out gracefully, and keep your dignity and self respect, and disappear forever from her life, and rebuild your own without her, after you have healed properly.

Healing starts with accepting its over forever, and strict and complete NO CONTACT, no matter what.

kaka67 · Aug 23, 2010, 11:18 PM

Agree with Talaniman.

Id bow out gracefully before you get kicked out... to the kerb.

You isn't the man she really loves or she would have told the ex to get knicked. If it was you in her shoes what would you of done? The ex would have been long gone I'm sure.

missinher · Aug 25, 2010, 02:37 AM

Sorry its taken me so long to get back to you guys, thanks for all your advice.

She is 17 and I am 26, I know it's a big age gap and when she 1st came after me I kept saying no but she finally got the better of me. I don't know what to do from here. Her parents did not know about us, however she had planned (the whole time we were together) to tell them yesterday, part of me thinks that she has begun to stress about how all this would be taken by them and has decided the easier option is to end it and never have to tell them. I have spoken to others and they have said that her ex was just an escuse as she didn't know how to tell me that she couldn't tell her parents. I do love her so much and she does love me also. Do you think she will ever tell them? Maybe when she is 18? I know it probably sounds wrong to everyone but I'm not here to be judged, I'm here for advice. How long is enough space before I contact her? I want to have the time of day to discuss our relationship, not just let it go, she is definitely worth fighting for as she makes me so happy. Wish there was someway I could get in touch with her, any ideas?

talaniman · Aug 25, 2010, 06:42 AM

Dude, listen carefully. You can force a talk with her, and make a mess of things, or you can step back, and gather yourself, and give yourself time to get over the shock, and think and plan with the benefit of clear thought, not hurt feelings.

You don't fight for a female, that's a figure of speech for the romance novels. Trust me you end up pushing her away more, and looking very foolish with that fighting thing, and no female, or male for that matter is worth giving up your dignity, and self respect for.

You may be right though, she knew her parents would not approve of you being so much older, and maybe she didn't feel it was worth the hassle to keep you, and that's something to pay attention to, as young girls can be very fickle, and change their minds about many things, and many times.

Sorry but you had your fun, now accept its over, and go about your business, as it really is done, over, kaput.

missinher · Aug 28, 2010, 03:17 AM

The hardest part is trying to move on

vanheart · Aug 28, 2010, 11:51 PM

Yeah, funs over.

Time to be an adult.

"How long is enough space before i contact her?"

Are you ready? Here's the answer:

Still waiting?

missinher · Aug 29, 2010, 12:04 AM

I don't get it

vanheart · Aug 29, 2010, 12:18 AM

Ok,

She young, confused and not ready.

Don't pursue her anymore.
Don't think that this is going to go anywhere.

It was sneaky from the get go.

Leave this & her alone.

Understand that this wasn't & isn't going to be a healthy relationship.

Start to learn who you choose & why.

Being responsible. As an adult.

missinher · Aug 29, 2010, 03:34 AM

Yeah I know it was sneaky, though she did tell people, I haven't pursued her and its not just easy to let her go away either. I guess in a way maybe she is acting more mature than what I give her credit for

silverlining · Aug 29, 2010, 08:46 PM

You got to wait till she comes to you.. Speaking from personal experience she has probably always had feelings for this ex as if she didn't she wouldn't be THIS confused after being with you for a year..

Is he her age? Her being 17 she is still growing up and discovering herself and until she reaches your age she will change a fair bit. What do you want from this relationship? Do you want to marry her? Yes she makes you happy but you got to think about this realistically..

vanheart · Aug 30, 2010, 08:46 PM

Agree.

What was your plan together anyway?

missinher · Aug 31, 2010, 02:12 PM

It's not easy to walk away from the one you love

We spoke and she feels her parents will NEVER approve. It is so hard to walk away from the one you love

Enigma1999 · Aug 31, 2010, 02:21 PM

There will be another in time.

autumnsmom1127 · Aug 31, 2010, 02:23 PM

Okay dude.. you have GOT to let gooo!

Its obvious that she is playing with your head.. and I'm sorry, but no grown 26 year old man needs to be this love sick over a 17 year old child.

missinher · Sep 1, 2010, 12:57 PM

We had talked about our plans, she wanted to marry me at 21 (in 3 years) and have children at 23. This all fitted in with me too as I am still moving forward in my career and don't have time for a family atm. We spoke last night because she msgd me, she told me she is really hurting but she deserves to be because she has really hurt me to, and that she has missed me. If she is hurting and has missed me why won't she get back wit me

Yes 'silverlinin' he is her age, and he has stirred the pot all
Along

Just Looking · Sep 1, 2010, 01:20 PM

I think you are at very different stages in life. At 17, she's most likely going into senior year in high school. She'll want to go to parties with her friends, attend high school events, the prom, etc. How does she do that with a 26 year old? Her ex is her age, probably has the same friends, or at least is more likely to get along with them.

She may be confused - she's young. She doesn't know what she wants or how to tell you. She's afraid of losing you because you are her safety net, but she's not ready to decide what she wants for the rest of her life. Her idea of getting married in 3 years and having kids 2 years later is a teen-age fantasy.

I think you'd be better off to move on, make the final decision for both of you.

Homegirl 50 · Sep 1, 2010, 01:31 PM

She is behaving like a 17 year old girl. It's time you act like a 26 year old man.
The older guy thing has worn off, she wants to be able to date and hang out with her High School friends, and where can you take her but your place and a movie.
Date a woman your own age, leave her alone and let her grow up.
If she contacts you, tell her you two cannot be in touch anymore then go NC. That is the mature thing to do.