[Divstar]

I'm having a hard time. My ex dumped me about 5 months ago and ever since then I've been trying to heal myself and move on. Sometimes I have good days and sometimes bad. At the moment it's a mixture.

We both lost our virginity to each other, and sex actually meant something when we did it. Now I have been broken up so long I feel like I should be exploring more and possibly engaging with other women on an intimate level.

I'm finding it hard because, from what I can gather, she has completely moved on and is involved with several guys and most likely has slept with one or more of them. I have yet to be with other women and it's holding me back.

I feel like I should be doing more, but the whole process of intimacy is surrounded with anxiety for me. There are a few women I am interested in, but I just have no idea how to suggest to them I would like to take things to another level. Why is it so hard for me? How come other guys can just take a woman they've just met and get them so interested? Most people would consider me physically attractive but my emotional mind is such a mess.

I have the worst self esteem and thought patterns ever since this break up. It's killing me slowly and I can't stop it.

[joypulv]

My suggestion is to continue to take it slowly until you are ready and it feels right, to stop finding out and/or imagining what she is or might be doing, and to stay active and go out with groups of friends, the best cure of all after heartbreak. There is nothing wrong, either, with not being the type of man who can get a woman romantically involved right away, and it will eventually prove actually endearing to the woman you will find. If low self esteem has been a life long problem, you might consider group therapy, where you could help and be helped by others with similar feelings. If not that, then a volunteer group or hobby/sports/music/book club etc group. If you can afford it, round up a few guys and go on a vacation.

I forgot to address the issue of any woman you are interested in! It's so easy - once you have asked her about her interests and shared some of yours, complimented her on just about anything, shown that you really mean it when you enjoy talking with her - then you ask her out. Something casual like meeting downtown on a Saturday afternoon for the proverbial coffee or walk in the park, and if it is all good, would you like to go out to dinner on Tuesday.

[talaniman]

You can have as much fun as you can handle without getting intimate. That will happen if you connect with the right person. Don't worry about that. Worry about rebuilding a life that makes you happy with friends and activities that you enjoy, and look forward too. Then you will have very little time to dwell on what she is doing, nor will you care. Be patient, it does take time.

[Divstar]

Thank you very much for your responses. I am following your advice and feel like I'm heading on the right path but it is taking so much longer than I ever imagined to get through this. Time is a healer albeit a slow one...

[pandead]

I am following your advice and feel like I'm heading on the right path but it is taking so much longer than I ever imagined to get through this. Time is a healer albeit a slow one...

Everyone has a different pace. Yours can surprise you in a good way when you notice how fast you find solutions to your problems, how easily you make decisions and start a new life after a breakup.

But sometimes, it's the other way around. You can realize that the relationship affected you more than you thought it would - and it's perfectly normal. Don't rush into anything until you feel ready. Don't make assumptions about what your ex is doing, you can never know. And even if you see her with someone else, she is your ex, it shouldn't matter - since it's not a race. She may find 10 people to replace you and fail at it, you can find 1 and be happier than ever.

You talk a lot about being "intimate" with other people. Don't let it fool you; if you try taking things to a sexual level too early, it could make everything worse when you are not ready for it. Take it slow, don't panic. You'll know it when you're ready.

[mmresd]

I have the worst self esteem and thought patterns ever since this break up..

This is essentially the main problem here. If you feel like you want to move on from your last girlfriend then you need to give yourself time to get over it. Thinking about her is not exactly the way to get over anyone, period. A relationship with someone who took your virginity is the toughest one to get over apart from the first love of your life, but let me tell you... IT GETS BETTER! As you experience more relationships you will get a better grasp and perspective on things and in return it will become easier and easier getting over them when you need to and knowing which type of people you should be surrounding yourself with.

As to sleeping with other girls, you cannot accomplish it without confidence and high self-esteem. Let me tell you, the first couple girls you will be with will probably not be as emotional rewarding as with your ex but soon enough you will see the light about it again and then enjoy the company of a female as more than just friends again. Good lucks will get you noticed but as you just described yourself an "emotional mess" you are actually not going to get anywhere.

Give yourself time to heal before you go out there and look for something else... remember how you were happy without anyone else having a say on it and try to relive those days, and you will see an amazing improvement in the way you carry yourself and now that you have a bit of experience under the belt it can only get better from here.

Good Luck,

Javi

[Divstar]

@pandead - thanks, I am putting way too much pressure on myself. It's like I'm comparing myself to every other person instead I should be happy with my own pace...

@mmresd - I agree. She was actually my first love, first proper kiss, first everything. We were together for 2.5yrs and prior to her I never had a girlfriend. In school women never bothered me I had no interest until after I left. So in my head my entire definition of love, sex and relationships is defined by her.

I am trying to work on my self-image, but its not something that just clicks on. I have had days at a time when I felt so good, and thought this is what is must feel like to have high self-esteem. But that feeling usually fades out for some reason. I want to find durable fulfillment.


I can look back 5 months and say I have come a long way since then. But **** this is the hardest thing I have ever had to go through emotionally.

[mmresd]

Durable fulfillment doesn't come with working at high self esteem or on other aspects of yourself once... you have to keep working on them on a day-to-day basis.