[brad321]

Hey everyone.
Ok here is the situation, me and my girlfriend were high school sweet hearts. Im 20 and a sophomore in college, she is 18 and a freshman in college and we go to different colleges 20 miles apart. Anyway we dated for almost three years, and then after three weeks of school she decides to break up because she says she doesn't love me anymore.
We both cried and hugged as it was a hard on both of us. Fast forward to today and its been two months with limited contact. I don't talk to her unless she starts to conversation. Anyway I the first month I tried apologizing, and wrote her a letter saying I know where I screwed up in the relationship and how much she means to me. Anyway last Monday my friends called me and told me that they heard from what they called a reliable source that she cheated on me like a week before we broke up.So I called her and asked her this and she said no she didtn and she knows the truth and don't care if I believe her and that that guy is lying. Ido believe her cause she only once lied to me in the relationship of 3 years that I know of. Anyway I asked her if she missed me and cared for me and she said yes but didn't love me and just wants to be friends. I asked her if she has done anythign and she has said yes but just kissing/making out with a few guys. I really would like another chance with her, but I'm trying to move on at the same time. Also, I know she she likes to go the bar and dance and do things that I didn't get a chance to do with her last year, cause I didn't get an opportunity this year to take her dancing and the things she wanted to do. I planned this year to be different now that we are both in college, but she broke up with me at the beginning of the year before I got a chance and I let her know this.
It just seems like a completely different person that I feel in love with. She now parties all the time and I know she gets a lot of attention from guys and hangs out with guys every night I understand that she is beautiful and funny and easy to get along with. Ive tried getting her back and didn't seem to work. What should I do now? I was thinking of just keep giving her space and moving on and maybe she will realize what we had later down the road or what? Any help or comments would be great thanks!

[JohnD212]

I think she's changed but I also think you've changed. You both are still very young my friend. I would say most likely this wasn't going to be your only one true love. Trust me in this. When you're in your 30's and 40's you see people differently. I can't imagine dating someone that I was seeing in my 20's right now.

You need to do No Contact -- 100% no contact. You need time to fully heal for yourself. Does it really matter if she cheated or not? At this point its not going to change anything you're currently dealing with and basically it'll only make things harder. Sometimes people tell us our ex's cheated cause they think it'll be easier for us to get over them if we hate them.

I know there's pain. I know its confusing. She hasn't changed.. she's moving on. She cares enough about you to not want to lead you on. Don't go to places she goes to... esp. clubs and bars. Those are really awful places when you have a broken heart and your ex is at the same place. I wish there was a easy, painless solution but there isn't. It's going to take time, pain and suffering to be through it. But there is an awful lot of people who struggle with this situation everyday.

Wish I had other advice but I think there is already a lot of advice in this forum to help you further. Just realize how young you are... don't think of all the things wrong with you and reasons she didn't want you... just focus on no contact and give it time to heal.

Best of luck!

[brad321]

Also, just some other quick facts, my parents, brother, grandparents and aunt and uncle, loved her to and thought she was a sweet girl, my family always treated her like one of their own. I know that we had arguments and stuff and that yes, when she went to school I got jealous and a little upset that she wouldn't talk to me as much, and this summer I took some of our time for grantide, and didn't show her all the time that she was special to me, but for the most part I believe our relationship was a good one.

[JohnD212]

You keep stating the way YOU saw it. Well she saw it differently after some time. People do change.. especially when there's a life changing event -- like going to college.

Try to keep busy with things that keep your mind off this for a while. I think you're over thinking things and causing yourself more pain.

[brad321]

Well I know I have changed. Ive tried to change, I've tried to be a better person and work on not putting pressure on my friends, being more considerate and etc, I also have lost about 30 pounds and switched my wardrobe a bit. I know most people will say that we are young and all of that, I know doing no contact is for me to heal, but would doing no contact also maybe bring her back? I know that quote if you love something let them go and if they return and that stuff. Also, can a person change that quickly in two months or was she never really herself with me or is this just a phase and she will realize maybe that what we had was special

[jmw0713]

It's good to reflect, but bad to dwell. Stop thinking about this. This relationship is done. Release all hope of getting back with her. It wasn't only your fault things ended. It takes TWO to make a relationship work.

She was thinking about doing this for a while before she actually broke-up with you. Feeling don't change over night.

Go out with your friends and have a good time. Start to talk and date other girls. They are out there. Now get yourself out there with them.

You never know what will happen in the future, but you must proceed thinking that you will never get back with her again!

Don't worry about seeing her... it will be very unlikely. If you do see her, politely waive and smile at her and keep walking.

You can get through this!

[JohnD212]

No contact is for you. It might bring her back.. it might not. You can't be good to anyone until you move past this. She's probably changed a little but my experience is that a broken heart (a little depression thrown in) makes the world seem a little different and a little scary. She's different with you because she probably hurts a little to see you. She knows you're sad and she probably doesn't like knowing your sad. People can still care for each other without wanting to be in a relationship.

The change you describe... while its great... it isn't the change I'm talking about. The change you'll feel in one year or two years when this is all behind you will be something you've never felt before. You're still holding hope that she'll return and that is keeping you from moving forward... from fully healing. Its very hard to let go. I know. She can't comfort you through this. She probably feels pain when she's around you... you make her feel bad. If you start to move forward... start to let go... she just might see you in a healthy light. Right now she just sees her ex who is still longing for her and it doesn't sound like that's what she wants right now... or ever.

100% no contact. If you do 100% 24/7... possibly forever... it'll kill for the first few weeks... but it'll get easier.

[brad321]

I came to the conclusion on that Monday when I talked to her, that there is nothing I can do I know, I also came to the fact that after I heal 100 percent that maybe we will get together down the future, but I'm not going to go with that anymore. Each day that comes is another day closer to healing or figuring out my future. I understand what you mean, that she can't talk to me or anything because you are correct it hurts her to talk to me, and I don't blame her. So what I'm understanding is that if I ever want another chance with her that I need to move on with my life and not hope for another chance, that if it happens it happens

[brad321]

Also I'm a lot better off then I was 2 months ago. I feel like I'm letting go of control, and starting to come around again, I can actually do stuff with out feeling upset all the time.In the 2 months we have been separated we pry only have talked maybe 9 times and she started 4. We usually go 3 weeks with out talking so I know I can do nc

[JohnD212]

Congratz.. you sound like you'll be fine. Love is great... we all know that... but it packs some teeth when it decides to bite back.

[brad321]

Thank you john for your responses. You very true, just seems like this one left a couple of teeth in my skin lol, just curious what other people think keep doing no contact and moving on and maybe once she sees I'm through she will come back?

[LifeChangesMan]

Honestly pal, do NOT worry about her coming back I understand that's the only thing you think about, even when you convince yourself you don't want her back you deep down know all you want is to be holding her at that very second, trust me, been there, still am there.

Act like she does NOT exist do you really want to be with someone who looked you in the face after a 3 year relationship and goes, I don't really love you! Like what the hell kind of crap is that, love does NOT go away I whole heartedly believe love is an everlasting feeling and does not fade or change.

My bottom line advice to you my friend is move on with your life, you can do better then the "hot party girl" go for the "attractive smart chick" that's more up all of our alleys, best of luck to you, I'll be around to help I'll try and stay up on your situation.

[brad321]

The thing is she is extremely smart lol and very attractice also, but I understand what you mean. U said loves does not go away, so is she blind by getting all this attention from other guys, and being in a new environment and she needs time, or do u think she never really loved me?

[LifeChangesMan]

All right, I feel like my situation is VERY similar to yours. I would say she's got a taste of freedom and fell in love with freedom! Like hey look at me I can go out do what I want and don't have to answer to anyone, if you can say that you think she's in some sort of "party phase" it shouldn't last very long for most people, and I think from what I read she just is convincing herself she doesn't have feelings for you because it makes it easier for her to let go.

I mean 3 years right? Not loving someone you better have a hell of a lot of money or be really good at sex. Lol

[brad321]

You I got what you are saying thank you very much. She did say she cares and she wanted freedom so maybe your right its just a party phase. But I know what I have to do is just give her space and go on with life and if she comes back ill deal with that situation when the times comes but I hope it does come lol and I knows she cares and misses me but I don't know how strong those feelings are so maybe she is just lying to herself, but if she is lying to herself eventually she won't be able to hide from her true feelings can she if she is hiding feelings for me?

[jmw0713]

Don't worry about her feelings. Worry about yourself and your feelings.

Worrying and thinking about her all the time will just slow the healing process.

Moving forward is very hard when your looking backward!

[LifeChangesMan]

As much as you think you can control her feelings or influence her, you can not. She can choose to be coldhearted and leave you out of her life forever if she chooses that path, all I'm saying is your young she's young it is OKAY to live for you right now.

Look at it this way if it helps you, we'll go worst case scenario she goes out tonight and sleeps with some dude, do you think that guy means an absolute thing to her? And does he even compare to you? Ask yourself those questions.

Breaks up happen, they are natural, what is important is how you decide how to take care of the situation, you can

A) sit around mope cry and wine that's she's gone
B) go crazy trying to stalk her and crap
C) pester, text, call her, until no end.
D) Live your life for you, and love yourself.

[brad321]

I know I can't control her, and I know I can't make her come back, she HAS to want to come back on her own.and I know we are both young and have a lot of life yet, and have to live my life. Maybe she will have to try a few people until she figures out what we had was special and then she will maybe want to come back, I know I have to move on and if she decides to come back ill see where I'm at in my life, and we would have to take it slow and talk cause there is no way could just jump back into a relationship else we would be in the same boat again, and that is why I feel giving her space might be for the best so she can live her life and I can live mine and maybe she will fell the void and miss me even more.

[LifeChangesMan]

There you go pal. Let her go, go do you and if she does comeback you probably won't even want her back honestly.

[talaniman]

Talaniman rule # 147- Never hold your breathe waiting for an ex to come back, NEVER, ever!